After You

JojoMoyes

A F T E R Y O U

Contents
CHAPTERONE
CHAPTERTWO
CHAPTERTHREE
CHAPTERFOUR
CHAPTERFIVE
CHAPTERSIX

CHAPTERSEVEN
CHAPTEREIGHT
CHAPTERNINE
CHAPTERTEN
CHAPTERELEVEN
CHAPTERTWELVE
CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
CHAPTERFOURTEEN
CHAPTERFIFTEEN

CHAPTERSIXTEEN
CHAPTERSEVENTEEN
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
CHAPTERNINETEEN
CHAPTERTWENTY
CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE
CHAPTERTHIRTY
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
FOLLOWPENGUIN

Formygrandmother,Betty

McKee

C H A P T E R O N E

Thebigmanattheendofthe

barissweating.Heholdshis

headlowoverhisdouble

Scotch,buteveryfew

minutesheglancesupand

out,behindhim,towardsthe

door.Afinesheenof

perspirationglistensunderthe

strip-lights.Heletsouta

long,shakybreath,disguised

asasigh,andturnsbackto

hisdrink.

‘Hey.Excuseme?’

Ilookupfrompolishing

glasses.

‘CanIgetanotherone

here?’

Iwanttotellhimit’sreally

notagoodidea,itwon’thelp,

itmightevenputhimover

thelimit.Buthe’sabigguy

andit’sfifteenminutestill

closingtimeand,accordingto

companyguidelines,Ihave

noreasontotellhimno,soI

walkover,takehisglassand

holdituptotheoptic.He

nodsatthebottle.‘Double,’

hesays,andslidesafathand

downhisdampface.

‘That’llbesevenpounds

twenty,please.’

It’saquartertoelevenona

Tuesdaynightandthe

ShamrockandClover,East

CityAirport’sIrish-themed

pub,whichisasIrishas

MahatmaGandhi,iswinding

downforthenight.Thebar

closestenminutesafterthe

lastplanetakesoff,andright

nowit’sjustme,anintense

youngmanwithalaptop,the

cacklingwomenattabletwo

andthemannursingadouble

Jameson’swaitingforeither

theSC107toStockholmor

theDB224toMunich–the

latterhasbeendelayedfor

fortyminutes.

I’vebeenonsincemidday,

asCarlyhasastomach-ache

andwenthome.Idon’tmind.

Inevermindstayinglate.

HummingsoftlytoCeltic

PipesoftheEmeraldIsle,

Vol.III,Iwalkoverand

collecttheglassesfromthe

twowomen,whoarepeering

intentlyatsomevideo

footageonaphone.They

laughtheeasylaughofthe

welllubricated.

‘Mygranddaughter.Five

daysold,’saystheblonde

woman,asIreachoverthe

tableforherglass.

‘Lovely.’Ismile.All

babieslooklikecurrantbuns

tome.

‘ShelivesinSweden.I’ve

neverbeen.ButIhavetogo

andseemyfirstgrandchild,

don’tI?’

‘We’rewettingthebaby’s

head.’Theyburstout

laughingagain.‘Joinusina

toast?Goon,takealoadoff

forfiveminutes.We’llnever

finishthisbottleintime.’

‘Oops!Herewego.Come

on,Dor.’Alertedbyascreen,

theygatheruptheir

belongings,andperhapsit’s

onlymewhonoticesaslight

staggerastheybrace

themselvesforthewalk

towardssecurity.Iplacetheir

glassesonthebar,scanthe

roomforanythingelsethat

needswashing.

‘Younevertempted,then?’

Thesmallerwomanhas

turnedbackforherscarf.

‘I’msorry?’

‘Tojustwalkdownthere,

attheendofashift.Hopona

plane.Iwould.’Shelaughs

again.‘Everybloodyday.’

Ismile,thekindof

professionalsmilethatmight

conveyanythingatall,and

turnbacktowardsthebar.

Aroundmetheconcession

storesareclosingupforthe

night,steelshuttersclattering

downovertheoverpriced

handbagsandemergency-gift

Toblerones.Thelightsflicker

offatgatesthree,five,

eleven,thelastoftheday’s

travellerswinkingtheirway

intothenightsky.Violet,the

Congolesecleaner,pushes

hertrolleytowardsme,her

walkaslowsway,herrubber-

soledshoessqueakingonthe

shinyMarmoleum.‘Evening,

darling.’

‘Evening,Violet.’

‘Youshouldn’tbeherethis

late,sweetheart.Youshould

behomewithyourloved

ones.’

Shesaysexactlythesame

thingtomeeverynight.‘Not

longnow.’Irespondwith

theseexactwordsevery

night.Satisfied,shenodsand

continuesonherway.

IntenseYoungLaptopMan

andSweatyScotchDrinker

havegone.Ifinishstacking

theglasses,andcashup,

checkingtwiceuntilthetill

rollmatcheswhatisinthe

drawer.Inoteeverythingin

theledger,checkthepumps,

jotdownwhatweneedto

reorder.ItisthenthatInotice

thebigman’scoatisstillover

hisbarstool.Iwalkover,and

glanceupatthemonitor.The

flighttoMunichwouldbe

justboarding,ifIfeltinclined

torunhiscoatdowntohim.I

lookagain,thenwalkslowly

totheGents.

‘Hello?Anyoneinhere?’

Thevoicethatemergesis

strangled,bearsafaintedge

ofhysteria.Ipushthedoor.

TheScotchDrinkerisbent

lowoverthesinks,splashing

hisface.Hisskinischalk-

white.‘Aretheycallingmy

flight?’

‘It’sonlyjustgoneup.

You’veprobablygotafew

minutes.’Imaketoleave,but

somethingstopsme.Theman

isstaringatme,hiseyestwo

tightlittlebuttonsofanxiety.

‘Ican’tdoit.’Hegrabsa

papertowelandpatsathis

face.‘Ican’tgetonthe

plane.’

Iwait.

‘I’mmeanttobetravelling

overtomeetmynewboss,

andIcan’t.Ihaven’thadthe

gutstotellhimI’mscaredof

flying.’Heshakeshishead.

‘Notscared.Terrified.’

Iletthedoorclosebehind

me.‘What’syournewjob?’

Heblinks.‘Uh…carparts.

I’mthenewSeniorRegional

Manager,bracketSpares

closebracket,forHunt

Motors.’

‘Soundslikeabigjob,’I

say.‘Youhave…brackets.’

‘I’vebeenworkingforita

longtime.’Heswallowshard.

‘WhichiswhyIdon’twantto

dieinaballofflame.Ireally

don’twanttodieinan

airborneballofflame.’

Iamtemptedtopointout

thatitwouldn’tactuallybean

airborneballofflame,morea

rapidlydescendingone,but

suspectitwouldn’treally

help.Hesplasheshisface

againandIhandhimanother

papertowel.

‘Thankyou.’Heletsouta

shakybreath,andstraightens,

attemptingtopullhimself

together.‘Ibetyouneversaw

agrownmanbehavelikean

idiotbefore,huh?’

‘Aboutfourtimesaday.’

Histinyeyeswiden.

‘AboutfourtimesadayI

havetofishsomeoneoutof

themen’sloos.Andit’s

usuallydowntofearof

flying.’

Heblinksatme.

‘But,youknow,likeIsay

toeveryoneelse,noplanes

haveevergonedownfrom

thisairport.’

Hisneckshootsbackinhis

collar.‘Really?’

‘Notone.’

‘Noteven…alittlecrash

ontherunway?’

Ishrug.‘It’sactuallypretty

boringhere.Peopleflyoff,go

towherethey’regoing,come

backagainafewdayslater.’I

leanagainstthedoortoprop

itopen.Theselavatories

neversmellanybetterbythe

evening.‘Andanyway,

personally,Ithinkthereare

worsethingsthatcanhappen

toyou.’

‘Well.Isupposethat’s

true.’Heconsidersthis,looks

sidewaysatme.‘Fouraday,

uh?’

‘Sometimesmore.Now,if

youwouldn’tmind,Ireally

havetogetback.It’snot

goodformetobeseen

comingoutofthemen’sloos

toooften.’

Hesmiles,andforaminute

Icanseehowhemightbein

othercircumstances.A

naturallyebullientman.A

cheerfulman.Amanatthe

topofhisgameof

continentallymanufactured

carparts.‘Youknow,Ithink

Ihearthemcallingyour

flight.’

‘YoureckonI’llbeokay?’

‘You’llbeokay.It’savery

safeairline.Andit’sjusta

coupleofhoursoutofyour

life.Look,theSK491landed

fiveminutesago.Asyou

walktoyourdeparturegate,

you’llseetheairstewards

andstewardessescoming

throughontheirwayhome

andyou’llseethemall

chattingandlaughing.For

them,gettingontheseflights

isprettymuchlikegettingon

abus.Someofthemdoit

two,three,fourtimesaday.

Andthey’renotstupid.Ifit

wasn’tsafe,theywouldn’tget

on,wouldthey?’

‘Likegettingonabus,’he

repeats.

‘Probablyanawfullot

safer.’

‘Well,that’sforsure.’He

raiseshiseyebrows.‘Lotof

idiotsontheroad.’

Inod.

Hestraightenshistie.‘And

it’sabigjob.’

‘Shametomissoutonit,

forsuchasmallthing.You’ll

befineonceyougetusedto

beingupthereagain.’

‘MaybeIwill.Thankyou

…’

‘Louisa,’Isay.

‘Thankyou,Louisa.

You’reaverykindgirl.’He

looksatmespeculatively.‘I

don’tsuppose…you’d…

liketogoforadrinksome

time?’

‘IthinkIhearthemcalling

yourflight,sir,’Isay,andI

openthedoortoallowhimto

passthrough.

Henods,tocoverhis

embarrassment,makesafuss

ofpattinghispockets.‘Right.

Sure.Well…offIgo,then.’

‘Enjoythosebrackets.’

It’stwominutesafterhe

hasleftthatIdiscoverhehas

beensickallovercubicle

three.

Iarrivehomeataquarterpast

oneandletmyselfintothe

silentflat.Ichangeintomy

pyjamabottomsandahooded

sweatshirt,thenopenthe

fridge,pulloutabottleof

whiteandpouraglass.Itis

lip-pursinglysour.Istudythe

labelandrealizeImusthave

openeditthepreviousnight,

thenforgottentoputthetop

onthebottle,anddecideit’s

neveragoodideatothink

aboutthesethingstoohard.I

slumpintoachairwithit.

Onthemantelpiecethere

aretwocards.Oneisfrom

myparents,wishingmea

happybirthday.That‘best

wishes’fromMumisas

piercingasanystabwound.

Theotherisfrommysister,

suggestingsheandThom

comedownfortheweekend.

Itissixmonthsold.Two

voicemailsonmyphone,one

fromthedentist.Onenot.

Hi,Louisa.It’sJaredhere.

WemetintheDirtyDuck?

Well,wehookedup[muffled,

awkwardlaugh].Itwasjust

…youknow…Ienjoyedit.

Thoughtmaybewecoulddoit

again?You’vegotmydigits

…

Whenthereisnothingleft

inthebottle,Iconsider

buyinganother,butIdon’t

wanttogooutagain.Idon’t

wantSamiratthetwenty-

four-hourgrocerytomake

oneofhisjokesaboutmy

endlessbottlesofPinot

Grigio.Idon’twanttohave

totalktoanyone.Iam

suddenlybone-weary,butitis

thekindofhead-buzzing

exhaustionthattellsmeifI

gotobedIwon’tsleep.I

thinkbrieflyaboutJaredand

thathehadoddlyshaped

fingernails.AmIbothered

aboutoddlyshaped

fingernails?Istareatthebare

wallsofthelivingroomand

realizesuddenlythatwhatI

actuallyneedisair.Ireally

needair.Iopenthehall

windowandclimbunsteadily

upthefireescapeuntilIam

ontheroof.

ThefirsttimeIcameup,

ninemonthspreviously,the

estateagentshowedmehow

theprevioustenantshad

madeasmallterracegarden

upthere,dottingaroundafew

leadplantersandasmall

bench.‘It’snotofficially

yours,obviously,’he’dsaid,

‘butyoursistheonlyflat

withdirectaccesstoit.Ithink

it’sprettynice.Youcould

evenhaveapartyuphere!’I

hadgazedathim,wondering

ifIreallylookedlikethekind

ofpersonwhoheldparties.

Theplantshavelongsince

witheredanddied.Iam

apparentlynotverygoodat

lookingafterthings.NowI

standontheroof,staringout

atLondon’swinkingdarkness

below.Aroundmeamillion

peopleareliving,breathing,

eating,arguing.Amillion

livescompletelydivorced

frommine.Itisastrangesort

ofpeace.

Thesodiumlightsglitteras

thesoundsofthecityfilterup

intothenightair,engines

revving,doorsslamming.

Severalmilessouth,the

distantbrutalistthumpofa

policehelicopter,itsbeam

scanningthedarkforsome

vanishedmiscreantinalocal

park.Somewhereinthe

distanceasiren.Alwaysa

siren.‘Won’ttakemuchto

makethisfeellikehome,’the

estateagenthadsaid.Ihad

almostlaughed.Thecityfeels

asalientomeasitalways

has.But,then,everywhere

does,thesedays.

Ihesitate,thentakeastep

outontotheparapet,myarms

liftedouttotheside,a

slightlydrunkentightrope

walker.Onefootinfrontof

theother,edgingalongthe

concrete,thebreezemaking

thehairsonmyoutstretched

armsprickle.WhenIfirst

moveddownhere,whenitall

hitmehardest,Iwould

sometimesdaremyselfto

walkfromoneendtothe

otherofmyblock.WhenI

reachedtheotherendIwould

laughintothenightair.You

see?I’mhere–stayingalive

–rightoutontheedge.I’m

doingwhatyoutoldme!

Ithasbecomeasecret

habit,me,thecityskyline,the

comfortofthedark,the

anonymity,andthe

knowledgethatuphere

nobodyknowswhoIam.I

liftmyhead,feelingthenight

breezes,hearinglaughter

below,themuffledsmashof

abottlebreaking,thetraffic

snakinguptowardsthecity,

seeingtheendlessredstream

oftail-lights,anautomotive

bloodsupply.Onlythehours

betweenthreeandfivea.m.

arerelativelypeaceful,the

drunkshavingcollapsedinto

bed,therestaurantchefs

havingpeeledofftheir

whites,thepubshaving

barredtheirdoors.The

silenceofthosehoursis

interruptedonlysporadically,

bythenighttankers,the

openingupoftheJewish

bakeryalongthestreet,the

softthumpofthenewspaper

deliveryvansdroppingtheir

paperbales.Iknowthe

subtlestmovementsofthe

citybecauseInolonger

sleep.

Somewheredowntherea

lock-inisgoingoninthe

WhiteHorse,fullofhipsters

andEast-Enders,andacouple

arearguingoutside,and

acrossthecitythegeneral

hospitalispickingupthe

piecesofthesickandthe

injuredandthosewhohave

justaboutscrapedthrough

anotherday.Uphereisjust

theair,thedarkand

somewheretheFedExfreight

flightfromLHRtoBeijing,

andcountlesstravellers,like

MrScotchDrinker,ontheir

waytosomewherenew.

‘Eighteenmonths.

Eighteenwholemonths.So

whenisitgoingtobe

enough?’Isay,intothe

darkness.Andthereitis–I

canfeelitboilingupagain,

theunexpectedanger.Itake

twostepsalong,glancing

downatmyfeet.‘Because

thisdoesn’tfeellikeliving.It

doesn’tfeellikeanything.’

Twosteps.Twomore.I

willgoasfarasthecorner

tonight.

‘Youdidn’tgivemea

bloodylife,didyou?Not

really.Youjustsmashedup

myoldone.Smasheditinto

littlepieces.WhatamImeant

todowithwhat’sleft?When

isitgoingtofeel–’Istretch

outmyarms,feelingthecool

nightairagainstmyskin,and

realizeIamcryingagain.

‘Fuckyou,Will,’Iwhisper.

‘Fuckyouforleavingme.’

Griefwellsupagain,likea

suddentide,intense,

overwhelming.AndjustasI

feelmyselfsinkingintoit,a

voicesays,fromtheshadows,

‘Idon’tthinkyoushould

standthere.’

Ihalfturn,andcatcha

flashofasmallpalefaceon

thefireescape,darkeyes

wideopen.Inshock,myfoot

slipsontheparapet,my

weightsuddenlythewrong

sideofthedrop.Myheart

lurches,asplitsecondbefore

mybodyfollows.Andthen,

likeanightmare,Iam

weightless,intheabyssofthe

nightair,mylegsflailing

abovemyheadasIhearthe

shriekthatmaybemyown–

Crunch

Andthenallisblack.

C H A P T E R T W O

‘What’syourname,

sweetheart?’

Abracearoundmyneck.

Ahandfeelingaroundmy

head,gently,swiftly.

Iamalive.Thisisactually

quitesurprising.

‘That’sit.Openyoureyes.

Lookatme,now.Lookatme.

Canyoutellmeyourname?’

Iwanttospeak,toopenmy

mouth,butmyvoiceemerges

muffledandnonsensical.I

thinkIhavebittenmytongue.

Thereisbloodinmymouth,

warmandtastingofiron.I

cannotmove.

‘We’regoingtoputyou

ontoaspinalboard,okay?

Youmaybeabit

uncomfortableforaminute,

butI’mgoingtogiveyou

somemorphinetomakethe

painabiteasier.’Theman’s

voiceiscalm,level,asifitis

themostnormalthinginthe

worldtobelyingbrokenon

concrete,staringupatthe

darksky.Iwanttolaugh.I

wanttotellhimhow

ridiculousitisthatIamhere.

Butnothingseemstoworkas

itshould.

Theman’sfacedisappears

fromview.Awomanina

neonjacket,herdarkcurly

hairtiedbackinaponytail,

loomsovermeandshinesa

thintorchabruptlyinmy

eyes,gazingatmewiththe

samedetachedinterestasifI

wasaspecimen,notaperson.

‘Doweneedtobagher?’

IwanttospeakbutI’m

distractedbythepaininmy

legs.Jesus,Isay,butI’mnot

sureifIsayitaloud.

‘Multiplefractures.Pupils

normalandreactive.BP

ninetyoversixty.She’slucky

shehitthatawning.Whatare

theoddsoflandingona

daybed,eh?…Idon’tlike

thatbruising,though.’Cold

aironmymidriff,thelight

touchofwarmfingers.

‘Internalbleeding?’

‘Doweneedasecond

team?’

‘Canyoustepback,please,

sir?Rightback?’

Anotherman’svoice:‘I

cameoutsideforasmoke,

andshedroppedontomy

bloodybalcony.Shenearly

bloodylandedonme.’

‘Well,thereyougo–it’s

yourluckyday.Shedidn’t.’

‘Igottheshockofmylife.

Youdon’texpectpeopleto

justdropoutofthebloody

sky.Lookatmychair.That

waseighthundredpounds

fromtheConranShop…Do

youthinkIcanclaimforit?’

Abriefsilence.

‘Youcandowhatyou

want,sir.Tellyouwhat,you

couldchargeherforcleaning

thebloodoffyourbalcony

whileyou’reatit.Howabout

that?’

Thefirstman’seyesslide

towardshiscolleague.Time

slips,Itiltwithit.I’vefallen

offaroof?Myfaceiscold

andIrealizedistantlythatI’m

startingtoshake.

‘She’sgoingintoshock,

Sam.’

Avandoorslidesopen

somewherebelow.Andthen

theboardbeneathmemoves

andbrieflythepainthepain

thepain–Everythingturns

black.

Asirenandaswirlofblue.

AlwaysasireninLondon.

Wearemoving.Neonslides

acrosstheinteriorofthe

ambulance,hiccupsand

repeats,illuminatingthe

unexpectedlypackedinterior,

themaninthegreenuniform,

whoistappingsomething

intohisphone,beforeturning

toadjustthedripabovemy

head.Thepainhaslessened–

morphine?–butwith

consciousnesscomesgrowing

terror.Agiantairbagis

inflatingslowlyinsideme,

steadilyblockingout

everythingelse.Oh,no.Oh,

no.

‘Egcusenge?’

Ittakestwogoesforthe

man,hisarmbracedagainst

thebackofthecab,tohear

me.Heturnsandstoops

towardsmyface.Hesmells

oflemonsandhehasmissed

abitwhenshaving.‘You

okaythere?’

‘AngI–’

Themanleansdown.

‘Sorry.Hardtohearoverthe

siren.We’llbeatthehospital

soon.’Heplacesahandon

mine.Itisdryandwarmand

reassuring.I’msuddenly

panickedincasehedecidesto

letgo.‘Justhangoninthere.

What’sourETA,Donna?’

Ican’tsaythewords.My

tonguefillsmymouth.My

thoughtsaremuddled,

overlapping.DidImovemy

armswhentheypickedme

up?Iliftedmyrighthand,

didn’tI?

‘AngIgaralysed?’It

emergesasawhisper.

‘What?’Hedropshisearto

somewherenearmymouth.

‘Garalysed?AngI

garalysed?’

‘Paralysed?’Theman

hesitates,hiseyesonmine,

thenturnsandlooksdownat

mylegs.‘Canyouwiggle

yourtoes?’

Itrytorememberhowto

movemyfeet.Itseemsto

requireseveralmoreleapsof

concentrationthanitusedto.

Themanreachesdownand

lightlytouchesmytoe,asif

toremindmewheretheyare.

‘Tryagain.Thereyougo.’

Painshootsupbothmy

legs.Agasp,possiblyasob.

Mine.

‘You’reallright.Painis

good.Ican’tsayforsure,but

Idon’tthinkthere’sany

spinalinjury.You’vedone

yourhip,andafewotherbits

besides.’

Hiseyesareonmine.Kind

eyes.Heseemstounderstand

howmuchIneedconvincing.

Ifeelhishandcloseonmine.

Ihaveneverneededahuman

touchmore.

‘Really.I’mprettysure

you’renotparalysed.’

‘Oh,thangGog.’Ihearmy

voice,asiffromafar.My

eyesbrimwithtears.‘Please

don’leggoogme,’Iwhisper.

Hemoveshisfacecloser.

‘Iamnotlettinggoofyou.’

Iwanttospeak,buthis

faceblurs,andIamgone

again.

AfterwardstheytellmeIfell

twofloorsofthefive,busting

throughanawning,breaking

myfallonatop-of-the-range

outsizedcanvasandwicker-

effectwaterproof-cushioned

sun-loungeronthebalconyof

MrAntonyGardiner,a

neighbourIhavenevermet.

Myhipsmashedintotwo

piecesandtwoofmyribsand

mycollarbonesnapped

straightthrough.Ibroketwo

fingersonmylefthand,anda

metatarsal,whichpoked

throughtheskinofmyfoot

andcausedoneofthemedical

studentstofaint.MyX-rays

areasourceofsome

fascination.

Ikeephearingthevoiceof

theparamedicwhotreated

me:Youneverknowwhatwill

happenwhenyoufallfroma

greatheight.Iamapparently

verylucky.Theytellmethis

andwait,smiling,asifI

shouldrespondwithahuge

grin,orperhapsalittletap

dance.Idon’tfeellucky.I

don’tfeelanything.Idoze

andwake,andsometimesthe

viewabovemeisthebright

lightsofanoperatingtheatre,

andthenitisaquiet,still

room.Anurse’sface.

Snatchesofconversation.

Didyouseethemessthe

oldwomanonD4made?

That’ssomeendofashift,

eh?

Youworkupatthe

PrincessElizabeth,right?

Youcantellthemweknow

howtorunanER.Ha-ha-ha-

ha-ha.

Youjustrestnow,Louisa.

We’retakingcareof

everything.Justrestnow.

Themorphinemakesme

sleepy.Theyupmydoseand

it’sawelcomecoldtrickleof

oblivion.

Iopenmyeyestofindmy

motherattheendofmybed.

‘She’sawake.Bernard,

she’sawake.Doweneedto

getthenurse?’

She’schangedthecolour

ofherhair,Ithinkdistantly.

Andthen:Oh.It’smy

mother.Mymotherdoesn’t

talktomeanymore.

‘Oh,thankGod.Thank

God.’Mymotherreachesup

andtouchesthecrucifix

aroundherneck.Itreminds

meofsomeonebutIcannot

thinkwho.Sheleansforward

andlightlystrokesmycheek.

Forsomereasonthismakes

myeyesfillimmediatelywith

tears.‘Oh,mylittlegirl.’She

isleaningoverme,asifto

sheltermefromfurther

damage.Ismellherperfume,

asfamiliarasmyown.‘Oh,

Lou.’Shemopsmytearswith

atissue.‘Igotthefrightof

mylifewhentheycalled.Are

youinpain?Doyouneed

anything?Areyou

comfortable?WhatcanIget

you?’

ShetalkssofastthatI

cannotanswer.

‘Wecameassoonasthey

said.Treena’slookingafter

Granddad.Hesendshislove.

Well,hesortofmadethat

noise,youknow,butweall

knowwhathemeans.Oh,

love,howonearthdidyou

getyourselfintothismess?

Whatonearthwereyou

thinking?’

Shedoesn’tseemto

requireananswer.AllIhave

todoisliehere.

Mymotherdabsather

eyes,andagainatmine.

‘You’restillmydaughter.

And…andIcouldn’tbearit

ifsomethinghappenedtoyou

andweweren’t…you

know.’

‘Ngung–’Iswallowthe

words.Mytonguefeels

ridiculous.Isounddrunk.‘I

ngeverwanged–’

‘Iknow.Butyoumadeit

sohardforme,Lou.I

couldn’t–’

‘Notnow,love,eh?’Dad

toucheshershoulder.

Shelooksawayintothe

middledistance,andtakesmy

hand.‘Whenwegotthecall.

Oh.Ithought–Ididn’tknow

–’Sheissniffingagain,her

handkerchiefpressedtoher

lips.‘ThankGodshe’sokay,

Bernard.’

‘Ofcoursesheis.Madeof

rubber,thisone,eh?’

Dadloomsoverme.We

hadlastspokenonthe

telephonetwomonths

previously,butIhaven’tseen

himinpersonfortheeighteen

monthssinceIleftmyhome

town.Helooksenormousand

familiar,anddesperately,

desperatelytired.

‘Shorry,’Iwhisper.Ican’t

thinkwhatelsetosay.

‘Don’tbedaft.We’rejust

gladyou’reokay.Evenifyou

dolooklikeyou’vedonesix

roundswithMikeTyson.

Haveyouseenyourselfina

mirrorsinceyougothere?’

Ishakemyhead.

‘Maybe…Imightjust

holdoffabitlonger.You

knowTerryNicholls,that

timehewentrightoverhis

handlebarsbythemini-mart?

Well,takeoffthemoustache,

andthat’sprettymuchwhat

youlooklike.Actually,’he

peerscloseratmyface,‘now

youmentionit…’

‘Bernard.’

‘We’llbringyousome

tweezerstomorrow.Anyway,

thenexttimeyoudecideyou

wantflyinglessons,let’shead

downtheoleairstrip,yes?

Jumpingandflappingyour

armsisplainlynotworking

foryou.’

Itrytosmile.

Theybothbendoverme.

Theirfacesarestrained,

anxious.Myparents.

‘She’sgotthin,Bernard.

Don’tyouthinkshe’sgot

thin?’

Dadleanscloser,andthen

Iseehiseyesarealittle

watery,hissmileabit

wobblierthanusual.‘Ah…

shelooksbeautiful,love.

Believeme.Youlookbloody

beautiful.’Hesqueezesmy

hand,thenliftsittohismouth

andkissesit.Mydadhas

neverdoneanythinglikethat

tomeinmywholelife.

ItisthenthatIrealizethey

thoughtIwasgoingtodie

andasobburstsunannounced

frommychest.Ishutmyeyes

againstthehottearsandfeel

hislarge,wood-roughened

palmaroundmine.

‘We’rehere,sweetheart.

It’sallrightnow.It’sall

goingtobeokay.’

Theymakethefifty-mile

journeyeverydayfortwo

weeks,catchingtheearly

traindown,andthenafter

that,everyfewdays.Dadgets

specialdispensationfrom

work,becauseMumwon’t

travelbyherself.Thereare,

afterall,allsortsinLondon.

Thisissaidmorethanonce

andalwaysaccompaniedbya

furtiveglancebehindher,as

ifaknife-wieldinghoodis

evennowsneakingintothe

ward.Treenaisstayingover

tokeepaneyeonGranddad.

Thereisanedgetotheway

Mumsaysitthatmakesme

thinkthismightnotbemy

sister’sfirstchoiceof

arrangements.

Mumbringshomemade

food,andhasdonesosince

thedayweallstaredatmy

lunchand,despitefive

minutesofintense

speculation,couldn’twork

outwhatitwas.‘Andin

plastictrays,Bernard.Likea

prison.’Sheproddeditsadly

withafork,thensniffedit.

Sincethenshehasarrived

withenormoussandwiches,

thickslicesofhamorcheese

inwhitebloomerbread,

homemadesoupsinflasks.

‘Foodyoucanrecognize,’

andfeedsmelikeababy.My

tongueslowlyreturnstoits

normalsize.ApparentlyI’d

almostbittenthroughitwhen

Ilanded.It’snotunusual,

theytellme.

Ihavetwooperationsto

pinmyhip,andmyleftfoot

andleftarmareinplasterup

tothejoints.Keith,oneofthe

porters,asksifhecansign

mycasts–apparentlyit’sbad

lucktohavethemvirgin

white–andpromptlywritesa

commentsofilthythat

Eveline,theFilipinanurse,

hastoputaplasteronit

beforetheconsultantcomes

around.Whenhepushesme

toX-ray,ortothepharmacy,

hetellsmethegossipfrom

aroundthehospital.Icould

dowithouthearingaboutthe

patientswhodieslowlyand

horribly,ofwhichthereseem

tobeanendlessnumber,but

itkeepshimhappy.I

sometimeswonderwhathe

tellspeopleaboutme.Iam

thegirlwhofelloffafive-

storeybuildingandlived.In

hospitalstatus,this

apparentlyputsmesomeway

abovethecompactedbowel

inCward,orThatDaftBint

WhoAccidentallyTookHer

ThumbOffwithPruning

Shears.

It’samazinghowquickly

youbecomeinstitutionalized.

Iwake,acceptthe

ministrationsofahandfulof

peopleInowrecognize,tryto

saytherightthingtothe

consultants,andwaitformy

parentstoarrive.Myparents

keepbusywithsmalltasksin

myroom,andbecome

uncharacteristically

deferentialinthefaceofthe

doctors.Dadapologizes

repeatedlyformyinabilityto

bounce,untilMumkickshim,

quitehard,intheankle.

Aftertheroundsare

finished,Mumusuallyhasa

walkaroundtheconcourse

shopsdownstairsandreturns

exclaiminginhushedtonesat

thenumberoffast-food

outlets.‘Thatone-leggedman

fromthecardioward,

Bernard.Sittingdownthere

stuffinghisfacewith

cheeseburgerandchips,like

youwouldn’tbelieve.’

Dadsitsandreadsthelocal

paperinthechairattheend

ofmybed.Thefirstweekhe

keepscheckingitforreports

ofmyaccident.Itrytotell

himthatinthispartofthe

cityevendoublemurders

barelymeritaNewsInBrief,

butinStortfoldtheprevious

weekthelocalpaper’sfront

pageranwith‘Supermarket

TrolleysLeftinWrongArea

ofCarPark’.Theweek

beforethatitwas

‘SchoolboysSadatStateof

DuckPond’sohehasyetto

beconvinced.

OntheFridayafterthefinal

operationonmyhip,my

motherbringsadressing-

gownthatisonesizetoobig

forme,andalargebrown-

paperbagofeggsandwiches.

Idon’thavetoaskwhatthey

are:thesulphuroussmell

floodstheroomassoonas

sheopensherbag.Myfather

waftshishandinfrontofhis

nose.‘Thenurses’llbe

blamingme,Josie,’hesays,

openingandclosingmydoor.

‘Eggswillbuildherup.

She’stoothin.And,besides,

youcan’ttalk.Youwere

blamingthedogforyour

awfulsmellstwoyearsafter

he’dactuallydied.’

‘Justkeepingtheromance

alive,love.’

Mumlowershervoice:

‘Treenasaysherlastfellow

puttheblanketsoverherhead

whenhebrokewind.Canyou

imagine!’

Dadturnstome.‘WhenI

doit,yourmotherwon’teven

stayinthesamepostcode.’

Thereistensionintheair,

evenastheylaugh.Icanfeel

it.Whenyourwholeworld

shrinkstofourwalls,you

becomeacutelyattunedto

slightvariationsin

atmosphere.It’sintheway

consultantsturnawayslightly

whenthey’reexaminingX-

raysorthenursescovertheir

mouthswhenthey’retalking

aboutsomeonenearbywho

hasjustdied.

‘What?’Isay.‘Whatisit?’

Theylookawkwardlyat

eachother.

‘So…’Mumsitsonthe

endofmybed.‘Thedoctor

said…theconsultantsaid…

it’snotclearhowyoufell.’

Ibiteintoaneggsandwich.

Icanpickthingsupwithmy

lefthandnow.‘Oh,that.Igot

distracted.’

‘Whilewalkingarounda

roof.’

Ichewforaminute.

‘Isthereanychanceyou

weresleepwalking,

sweetheart?’

‘Dad–I’venever

sleepwalkedinmylife.’

‘Yes,youhave.Therewas

thattimewhenyouwere

thirteenandyousleepwalked

downstairsandatehalfof

Treena’sbirthdaycake.’

‘Um.Imaynothave

actuallybeenasleep.’

‘Andthere’syourblood-

alcohollevel.Theysaid…

youhaddrunk…anawful

lot.’

‘I’dhadatoughnightat

work.Ihadadrinkortwo

andIjustwentupontheroof

togetsomeair.AndthenI

gotdistractedbyavoice.’

‘Youheardavoice.’

‘Iwasstandingonthetop

–lookingout.Idoit

sometimes.Andtherewas

thisgirl’svoicebehindme

anditgavemeashockandI

lostmyfooting.’

‘Agirl?’

‘Ionlyreallyheardher

voice.’

Dadleansforward.‘You’re

sureitwasanactualgirl?Not

animaginary–’

‘It’smyhipthat’smashed

up,Dad,notmybrain.’

‘Theydidsayitwasagirl

whocalledtheambulance.’

MumtouchesDad’sarm.

‘Soyou’resayingitreally

wasanaccident,’hesays.

Istopeating.Theylook

awayfromeachotherguiltily.

‘What?You…youthinkI

jumpedoff?’

‘We’renotsaying

anything.’Dadscratcheshis

head.‘It’sjust–well–things

hadallgonesowrongsince

…andwehadn’tseenyou

forsolong…andwewerea

bitsurprisedthatyou’dbeup

walkingontheroofofa

buildingintheweesmall

hours.Youusedtobeafraid

ofheights.’

‘Iusedtobeengagedtoa

manwhothoughtitwas

normaltocalculatehow

manycalorieshe’dburned

whileheslept.Jesus.Thisis

whyyou’vebeensoniceto

me?YouthinkItriedtokill

myself?’

‘It’sjusthewasaskingus

allsorts…’

‘Whowasaskingwhat?’

‘Thepsychiatristbloke.

Theyjustwanttomakesure

you’reokay,love.Weknow

thingshavebeenall–well,

youknow–since–’

‘Psychiatrist?’

‘They’reputtingyouonthe

waitinglisttoseesomeone.

Totalk,youknow.And

we’vehadalongchatwith

thedoctorsandyou’re

cominghomewithus.Just

whileyourecover.Youcan’t

staybyyourselfinthatflatof

yours.It’s–’

‘You’vebeeninmyflat?’

‘Well,wehadtofetchyour

things.’

Thereisalongsilence.I

thinkofthemstandinginmy

doorway,mymother’shands

tightonherbagasshe

surveyedtheunwashedbed-

linen,theemptywinebottles

linedupinarowonthe

mantelpiece,thesolitaryhalf-

barofFruitandNutinthe

fridge.Ipicturethemshaking

theirheads,lookingateach

other.Areyousurewe’vegot

therightplace,Bernard?

‘Rightnowyouneedtobe

withyourfamily.Justtill

you’rebackonyourfeet.’

IwanttosayI’llbefinein

myflat,nomatterwhatthey

thinkofit.Iwanttodomy

jobandcomehomeandnot

thinkuntilmynextshift.I

wanttosayIcan’tcomeback

toStortfoldandbethatgirl

again,theonewho.Idon’t

wanttohavetofeelthe

weightofmymother’s

carefullydisguised

disapproval,ofmyfather’s

cheerfuldeterminationthat

it’sallokay,everythingisjust

fine,asifsayingitenough

timeswillactuallymakeit

okay.Idon’twanttopass

Will’shouseeveryday,to

thinkaboutwhatIwaspart

of,thethingthatwillalways

bethere.

ButIdon’tsayanyofit.

BecausesuddenlyI’mtired

andeverythinghurtsandI

justcan’tfightanymore.

Dadbringsmehometwo

weekslaterinhisworkvan.

Thereisonlyroomfortwoin

thefront,soMumhasstayed

behindtopreparethehouse,

andasthemotorwayspeeds

beneathus,Ifindmystomach

tighteningnervously.

Thecheerfulstreetsofmy

hometownfeelforeigntome

now.Ilookatthemwitha

distant,analyticaleye,noting

howsmalleverythinglooks,

howtired,howtwee.Irealize

thisishowWillmusthave

seenitwhenhefirstcame

homeafterhisaccident,and

pushthethoughtaway.Aswe

drivedownourstreet,Ifind

myselfsinkingslightlyinmy

seat.Idon’twanttomake

politeconversationwith

neighbours,toexplain

myself.Idon’twanttobe

judgedforwhatIdid.

‘Youokay?’Dadturns,as

ifheguessessomethingof

what’sgoingthroughmy

head.

‘Fine.’

‘Goodgirl.’Heputsahand

brieflyonmyshoulder.

Mumisalreadyatthedoor

aswepullup.Isuspectshe

hasbeenstandingbythe

windowforthepasthalf-

hour.Dadputsoneofmy

bagsonthestep,thencomes

backtohelpmeout,hoisting

theotheroverhisshoulder.

Iplacemycanecarefully

onthepavingstones,andfeel

thetwitchingofcurtains

behindmeasImakemyway

slowlyupthepath.Lookwho

itis,Icanhearthem

whispering.Whatdoyou

thinkshe’sdonenow?

Dadsteersmeforward,

watchingmyfeetcarefully,as

iftheymightsuddenlyshoot

outandgosomewherethey

shouldn’t.‘Okaythere?’he

keepssaying.‘Nottoofast

now.’

IcanseeGranddad

hoveringbehindMuminthe

hall,wearinghischecked

shirtandhisgoodblue

jumper.Nothinghaschanged.

Thewallpaperisthesame.

Thehallcarpetisthesame,

thelinesinthewornpile

visiblefromwhereMum

musthavevacuumedthat

morning.Icanseemyold

blueanorakhangingonthe

hook.Eighteenmonths.Ifeel

asifIhavebeenawayfora

decade.

‘Don’trushher,’Mum

says,herhandspressed

together.‘You’regoingtoo

fast,Bernard.’

‘She’shardlyflippingMo

Farah.Ifshegoesanyslower

we’llbemoonwalking.’

‘Watchthosesteps.Should

youstandbehindher,

Bernard,comingupthe

steps?Youknow,incaseshe

fallsbackwards?’

‘Iknowwherethesteps

are,’Isay,throughgritted

teeth.‘Ionlylivedherefor

twenty-sixyears.’

‘Watchshedoesn’tcatch

herselfonthatlipthere,

Bernard.Youdon’twanther

tosmashtheotherhip.’

Oh,God,Ithink.Isthis

whatitwaslikeforyou,Will?

Everysingleday?

Andthenmysisterisinthe

doorway,pushingpastMum.

‘Oh,forGod’ssake,Mum.

Comeon,Hopalong.You’re

turningusintoafreaking

sideshow.’

Treenawedgesher

shoulderundermyarmpitand

turnsbrieflytoglareoutat

theneighbours,hereyebrows

raisedasiftosay,Really?I

canalmostheartheswishing

ofcurtainsastheyclose.

‘Bunchofbloody

rubberneckers.Anyway,

hurryup.IpromisedThomas

hecouldseeyourscarsbefore

Itakehimtoyouthclub.God,

howmuchweighthaveyou

lost?Yourboobsmustlook

liketwotangerinesinapair

ofsocks.’

It’shardtolaughandwalk

atthesametime.Thomas

runstohugmesothatIhave

tostopandputahandagainst

thewalltokeepmybalance

aswecollide.‘Didtheyreally

cutyouopenandputyou

backtogether?’hesays.His

headcomesuptomychest.

He’smissingfourfrontteeth.

‘Grandpasaystheyprobably

putyoubacktogetherallthe

wrongway.AndGodonly

knowshowwe’lltellthe

difference.’

‘Bernard!’

‘Iwasjoking.’

‘Louisa.’Granddad’svoice

isthickandhesitant.He

reachesforwardunsteadily

andhugsmeandIhughim

back.Hepullsaway,hisold

handsgrippingmyarms

surprisinglytightly,and

frownsatme,amockanger.

‘Iknow,Daddy.Iknow.

Butshe’shomenow,’says

Mum.

‘You’rebackinyourold

room,’saysDad.‘I’mafraid

weredecoratedwith

Transformerswallpaperfor

Thom.Youdon’tmindthe

oddAutobotandPredacon,

right?’

‘Ihadwormsinmy

bottom,’saysThomas.‘Mum

saysI’mnottotalkaboutit

outsidethehouse.Orputmy

fingersupmy–’

‘Oh,goodLord,’says

Mum.

‘Welcomehome,Lou,’

saysDad,andpromptlydrops

mybagonmyfoot.

C H A P T E R T H R E E

Lookingback,forthefirst

ninemonthsafterWill’s

deathIwasinakindofdaze.

IwentstraighttoParisand

simplydidn’tgohome,giddy

withfreedom,withthe

appetitesthatWillhadstirred

inme.Igotajobatabar

favouredbyexpatswhere

theydidn’tmindmyterrible

French,andIgrewbetterat

it.Irentedatinyatticroomin

the16th,aboveaMiddle

Easternrestaurant,andI

wouldlieawake,listeningto

thesoundofthelatedrinkers

andtheearly-morning

deliveries,andeverydayI

feltlikeIwaslivingsomeone

else’slife.

Thoseearlymonths,itwas

asifIhadlostalayerofskin

–Ifelteverythingmore

intensely.Iwokeup

laughing,orcrying,saw

everythingasifafilterhad

beenremoved.Iatenew

foods,walkedstrangestreets,

spoketopeopleinalanguage

thatwasn’tmine.Sometimes

Ifelthauntedbyhim,asifI

wasseeingitallthroughhis

eyes,heardhisvoiceinmy

ear.

Whatdoyouthinkofthat,

then,Clark?

Itoldyouyou’dlovethis.

Eatit!Tryit!Goon!

Ifeltlostwithoutourdaily

routines.Ittookweeksformy

handsnottofeeluseless

withoutdailycontactwithhis

body:thesoftshirtIwould

button,thewarm,motionless

handsIwouldwashgently,

thesilkyhairIcouldstillfeel

betweenmyfingers.Imissed

hisvoice,hisabrupt,hard-

earnedlaugh,thefeelofhis

lipsagainstmyfingers,the

wayhiseyelidswouldlower

whenhewasabouttodrop

offtosleep.Mymother,still

aghastatwhatIhadbeenpart

of,hadtoldmethatwhileshe

lovedme,shecouldnot

reconcilethisLouisawiththe

daughtershehadraised,so

withthelossofmyfamily,as

wellasthemanIhadloved,

everythreadthathadlinked

metowhoIwashadbeen

cut.IfeltasifIhadsimply

floatedoff,untethered,to

someunknownuniverse.

SoIactedoutanewlife.I

madecasual,arm’s-length

friendshipswithother

travellers:youngEnglish

studentsongapyears,

Americansretracingthesteps

ofliteraryheroes,certainthat

theywouldneverreturntothe

Midwest,wealthyyoung

bankers,day-trippers,a

constantlychangingcastthat

driftedinandthroughand

past;escapeesfromother

lives.IsmiledandIchatted

andIworked,andItold

myselfIwasdoingwhathe

wanted.Thattherehadtobe

comfort,atleast,inthat.

Winterlooseneditsgrip

andthespringwasbeautiful.

ThenalmostovernightIwoke

uponemorningandrealizedI

hadfallenoutoflovewiththe

city.Or,atleast,Ididn’tfeel

Parisianenoughtostay.The

storiesoftheexpatsbeganto

soundwearyinglysimilar,the

Parisianstoseemunfriendly

–or,atleast,Inoticed,

severaltimesaday,the

myriadwaysinwhichI

wouldneverquitefitin.The

city,compellingasitwas,felt

likeaglamorouscouture

dressthatIhadboughtin

hastebutdidn’tquitefitme

afterall.Ihandedinmy

noticeandwenttravelling

aroundEurope.

Notwomonthshadever

leftmefeelingmore

inadequate.Iwaslonely

almostallthetime.Ihated

notknowingwhereIwas

goingtosleepeachnight,was

permanentlyanxiousabout

traintimetablesandcurrency,

founditdifficulttomake

friendswhenIdidn’ttrust

anyoneImet.Andwhat

couldIsayaboutmyself,

anyway?Whenpeopleasked

me,Icouldgivethemonly

themostcursorydetails.All

thestuffthatwasimportantor

interestingaboutmewas

whatIcouldn’tshare.

Withoutsomeonetotalkto,

everysightIsaw–whetherit

wastheTreviFountainora

canalinAmsterdam–felt

simplylikeaboxI’dneeded

totickonalist.Ispentthe

lastweekonabeachin

Greecethatremindedmetoo

muchofabeachIhadbeen

onwithWillnottoolong

before,andfinally,aftera

weekofsittingonthesand

fendingoffbronzedmen,

whoallseemedtobecalled

Dmitri,andtryingtotell

myselfIwasactuallyhaving

agoodtime,Igaveupand

returnedtoParis.Mostly

becausethatwasthefirsttime

ithadoccurredtomethatI

hadnowhereelsetogo.

FortwoweeksIslepton

thesofaofagirlI’dworked

withatthebar,whileItried

todecidewhattodonext.

RecallingaconversationI’d

hadwithWillaboutcareers,I

wrotetoseveralcolleges

aboutfashioncourses,butI

hadnohistoryofworkto

showthemandtheyrebuffed

mepolitely.Theplaceonthe

courseIhadoriginallywon

afterWilldiedhadbeen

awardedtosomeoneelse

becauseIhadfailedtodefer.

Icouldapplyagainnextyear,

theadministratorsaid,inthe

tonesofsomeonewhoknewI

wouldn’t.

Ilookedonlineatjobs

websitesandsawthat,despite

everythingIhadbeen

through,Iwasstill

unqualifiedforthekindof

jobsImightbeinterestedin

doing.Andthenbychance,

justasIwaswonderingwhat

todonext,MichaelLawler,

Will’slawyer,rangmeand

suggesteditwastimetodo

somethingwiththemoney

Willhadleft.Itwasthe

excusetomovethatIneeded.

Hehelpedmenegotiatea

priceonascarilyexpensive

two-bedroomedflatonthe

edgeoftheSquareMile,

whichIboughtlargely

becauseIrememberedWill

oncetalkingaboutthewine

baronthecorner,which

mademefeelabitcloserto

him;therewasalittleleft

overwithwhichtofurnishit.

SixweekslaterIcameback

toEngland,gotajobatthe

ShamrockandClover,slept

withamancalledPhilI

wouldneverseeagain,and

waitedtofeelasifIhad

reallystartedliving.

NinemonthsonIwasstill

waiting.

Ididn’tgooutmuchthatfirst

weekhome.Iwassore,and

grewtiredquickly,soitwas

easytolieinbedanddoze,

wipedoutbyextra-strength

painkillers,andtellmyself

thatlettingmybodyrecover

wasallthatmattered.Ina

weirdway,beingbackinour

littlefamilyhousesuitedme:

itwasthefirstplaceIhad

managedtosleepmorethan

fourhoursatastretchsinceI

hadleft;itwassmallenough

thatIcouldalwaysreachout

forawalltosupportmyself.

Mumfedme,Granddadkept

mecompany(Treenahad

gonebacktocollege,taking

Thomwithher),andI

watchedalotofdaytime

television,marvellingatits

never-endingadvertisements

forloancompaniesandstair

lifts,anditspreoccupations

withminorcelebritiesthatthe

bestpartofayearabroadhad

leftmeunabletorecognize.It

waslikebeinginalittle

cocoon,onethat,admittedly,

hadawhackinggreat

elephantsquattinginits

corner.

Wedidn’ttalkabout

anythingthatmightupsetthis

delicateequilibrium.Iwould

watchwhatevercelebrity

newsdaytimetelevision

threwupandthensay,at

supper,‘Well,whatabout

thatShaynaWest,then,eh?’

AndMumandDadwould

leaponthetopicgratefully,

remarkingthatshewasa

trolloporhadnicehairorthat

shewasnobetterthanshe

shouldbe.Wecovered

BargainsInYourAttic(‘I

alwayswonderwhatthat

Victorianplanterofyour

mother’swouldhavebeen

worth…uglyoldthing.’)and

IdealHomesintheCountry

(‘Iwouldn’twashadogin

thatbathroom’).Ididn’tthink

beyondeachmealtime,

beyondthebasicchallenges

ofgettingdressed,brushing

myteethandcompleting

whatevertinytasksmy

mothersetme(‘Youknow,

love,whenI’mout,ifyou

couldsortyourwashing,I’ll

doitwithmycoloureds’).

But,likeacreepingtide,

theoutsideworldinsisted

steadilyonintruding.Iheard

theneighboursasking

questionsofmymotheras

shehungoutthewashing.

YourLouhome,then,isshe?

AndMum’s

uncharacteristicallycurt

response:Sheis.Ifound

myselfavoidingtheroomsin

thehousefromwhichIcould

seethecastle.ButIknewit

wasthere,thepeopleinit

living,breathinglinksto

Will.SometimesIwondered

whathadhappenedtothem;

whileinParisIhadbeen

forwardedaletterfromMrs

Traynor,thankingme

formallyforeverythingIhad

doneforherson.‘Iam

consciousthatyoudid

everythingyoucould.’But

thatwasit.Thatfamilyhad

gonefrombeingmywhole

lifetoaghostlyremnantofa

timeIwouldn’tallowmyself

toremember.Now,asour

streetsatmooredinthe

shadowofthecastlefor

severalhourseveryevening,I

felttheTraynors’presence

likearebuke.

I’dbeentheretwoweeks

beforeIrealizedthatMum

andDadnolongerwentto

theirsocialclub.‘Isn’tit

Tuesday?’Isaid,onthethird

week,aswesataroundthe

dinnertable.‘Shouldn’tyou

begonebynow?’

Theyglancedateachother.

‘Ah,no.We’refinehere,’

Dadsaid,chewingapieceof

hisporkchop.

‘I’mfinebymyself,

honestly,’Itoldthem.‘I’m

muchbetternow.AndI’m

quitehappywatching

television.’Isecretlylonged

tosit,unobserved,with

nobodyelseintheroom.I

hadbarelybeenleftalonefor

morethanhalfanhourata

timesinceI’dcomehome.

‘Really.Gooutandenjoy

yourselves.Don’tmindme.’

‘We…wedon’treallygo

totheclubanymore,’said

Mum,assheslicedthrougha

potato.

‘People…theyhadalotto

say.Aboutwhatwenton.’

Dadshrugged.‘Intheendit

waseasierjusttostayoutof

it.’Thesilencethatfollowed

thislastedafullsixminutes.

Andtherewereother,more

concrete,remindersofthelife

Ihadleftbehind.Onesthat

woreskin-tightrunningpants

withspecialwicking

properties.

Itwasonthefourth

morningPatrickjoggedpast

ourhousethatIthoughtit

mightbemorethan

coincidence.Ihadheardhis

voicethefirstdayandlimped

blearilytothewindow,

peeringthroughtheblind.

Andtherehewasbelowme,

stretchingouthishamstrings

whiletalkingtoablondegirl

withaponytail;shewasclad

inmatchingblueLycraso

tightIcouldprettymuch

workoutwhatshe’dhadfor

breakfast.Theylookedlike

twoOlympiansmissinga

bobsleigh.

Istoodbackfromthe

windowincasehelookedup

andsawme,andwithina

minute,theyweregoneagain,

joggingdowntheroad,backs

erect,legspumping,likea

pairofglossyturquoise

carriageponies.

TwodayslaterIwas

gettingdressedwhenIheard

them.Patrickwassaying

somethingloudlyaboutcarb-

loading,andthistimethegirl

flickedasuspiciousglance

towardsmyhouse,asifshe

werewonderingwhythey

hadstoppedinexactlythe

sameplacetwice.

OnthethirddayIwasin

thefrontroomwithGranddad

whentheyarrived.‘We

shouldpractisesprints,’

Patrickwassayingloudly.

‘Tellyouwhat,yougotothe

thirdlamppostandbackand

I’lltimeyou.Two-minute

intervals.Go!’

Granddadrolledhiseyes

meaningfully.

‘Hashebeendoingthisthe

wholetimeI’vebeenback?’

Granddad’seyesrolled

prettymuchintothebackof

hishead.

Iwatchedthroughthenet

curtainsasPatrickstood,eyes

fixedonhisstopwatch,his

bestsidepresentedtomy

window.Hewaswearinga

blackfleecezip-uptopand

matchingLycrashorts,andas

hestood,afewfeettheother

sideofthecurtain,Iwasable

togazeathim,quietly

amazedthatthiswas

someoneIhadbeensure,for

solong,Iloved.

‘Keepgoing!’heyelled,

lookingupfromthe

stopwatch.And,likean

obedientgundog,thegirl

touchedthelamppostbeside

himandboltedawayagain.

‘Forty-twopointthreeeight

seconds,’hesaid

approvingly,whenshe

returned,panting.‘Ireckon

youcouldshaveanotherpoint

fiveofasecondoffthat.’

‘That’sforyourbenefit,’

saidmymother,whohad

walkedinbearingtwomugs.

‘Ididwonder.’

‘Hismotheraskedmein

thesupermarketwereyou

backandIsaidyouwere.

Don’tlookatmelikethat–I

couldhardlylietothe

woman.’Shenoddedtowards

thewindow.‘Thatone’shad

herboobsdone.They’rethe

talkofStortfold.Apparently

youcouldresttwocupsoftea

onthem.’Shestoodbeside

meforamoment.‘Youknow

they’reengaged?’

Iwaitedforthepang,butit

wassomilditcouldhave

beenwind.‘Theylook…

wellsuited.’

Mymotherstoodtherefor

amoment,watchinghim.

‘He’snotabadsort,Lou.

Youjust…changed.’She

handedmeamugandturned

away.

Finally,onthemorninghe

stoppedtodopress-upson

thepavementoutsidethe

house,Iopenedthefrontdoor

andsteppedout.Ileaned

againsttheporch,myarms

foldedacrossmychest,

watchinguntilhelookedup.

‘Iwouldn’tstoptherefortoo

long.Nextdoor’sdogisabit

partialtothatbitof

pavement.’

‘Lou!’heexclaimed,asifI

wastheverylastpersonhe

expectedtoseestanding

outsidemyownhouse,which

hehadvisitedseveraltimesa

weekforthesevenyearswe

hadbeentogether.‘Well…

I’msurprisedtoseeyouback.

Ithoughtyouwereoffto

conquerthebigwideworld!’

Hisfiancée,whowasdoing

press-upsbesidehim,looked

up,thenbackdownatthe

pavement.Itmighthavebeen

myimagination,buther

buttocksmighthaveclenched

evenmoretightly.Up,down,

shebobbedfuriously.Upand

down.Ifoundmyself

worryingslightlyforthe

welfareofhernewbosom.

Hebouncedtohisfeet.

‘ThisisCaroline,my

fiancée.’Hekepthiseyeson

me,perhapswaitingforsome

kindofreaction.‘We’re

trainingforthenextIronman.

We’vedonetwotogether

already.’

‘How…romantic,’Isaid.

‘Well,CarolineandIfeel

it’sgoodtodothings

together,’hesaid.

‘SoIsee,’Ireplied.‘And

hisandhersturquoiseLycra!’

‘Oh.Yeah.Teamcolour.’

Therewasashortsilence.

Igavealittleairpunch.

‘Go,team!’

Carolinesprangtoherfeet

andbegantostretchouther

thighmuscles,foldingherleg

behindherlikeastork.She

noddedtowardsme,theleast

civilityshecouldreasonably

getawaywith.

‘You’velostweight,’he

said.

‘Yeah,well.Asaline-drip

dietwilldothattoyou.’

‘Iheardyouhadan…

accident.’Hecockedhishead

sideways,sympathetically.

‘Newstravelsfast.’

‘Still.I’mgladyou’re

okay.’Hesniffed,looked

downtheroad.‘Itmusthave

beenhardforyouthispast

year.Youknow.Doingwhat

youdidandall.’

Andthereitwas.Itriedto

keepcontrolofmybreathing.

Carolineresolutelyrefusedto

lookatme,extendingherleg

inahamstringstretch.Then,

‘Anyway…congratulations

onthemarriage.’

Hesurveyedhisfuture

wifeproudly,lostin

admirationofhersinewyleg.

‘Well,it’sliketheysay–you

justknowwhenyouknow.’

Hegavemeafaux-apologetic

smile.Andthatwaswhat

finishedmeoff.

‘I’msureyoudid.AndI

guessyou’vegotplentyput

asidetopayforthewedding

–they’renotcheap,are

they?’

Theybothlookedatme.

‘Whatwithsellingmy

storytothenewspapers.What

didtheypayyou,Pat?A

coupleofthousand?Treena

nevercouldfindouttheexact

figure.Still,Will’sdeath

shouldbegoodforafew

matchingLycraonesies,

right?’

ThewayCaroline’sface

shottowardshistoldmethis

wasoneparticularpartof

Patrick’shistorythathehad

notyetgotroundtosharing.

Hestaredatme,two

pinpricksofcolourbleeding

ontohisface.‘Thatwas

nothingtodowithme.’

‘Ofcoursenot.Nicetosee

you,anyway,Pat.Goodluck

withthewedding,Caroline!

I’msureyou’llbethe…

firmestbridearound.’I

turnedandwalkedslowly

backinside.Iclosedthedoor,

restingagainstit,heart

thumping,untilIcouldbe

surethattheyhadfinally

joggedon.

‘Arse,’saidGranddad,asI

limpedbackintotheliving

room.Andagain,glancing

dismissivelyatthewindow:

‘Arse.’Thenhechuckled.

Istaredathim.And,

completelyunexpectedly,I

foundIhadstartedtolaugh,

forthefirsttimeinaslongas

Icouldremember.

‘Sodidyoudecidewhat

you’regoingtodo?When

you’rebetter?’

Iwaslyingonmybed.

Treenawascallingfrom

college,whileshewaitedfor

Thomastocomeoutofhis

footballclub.Istaredupat

theceiling,onwhichThomas

hadstuckawholegalaxyof

Day-glostickers,which,

apparently,nobodycould

removewithoutbringinghalf

theceilingwiththem.‘Not

really.’

‘You’vegottodo

something.Youcan’tsit

aroundhereonyourbackside

foralleternity.’

‘Iwon’tsitonmy

backside.Besides,myhip

stillhurts.Thephysiosaid

I’mbetterofflyingdown.’

‘MumandDadare

wonderingwhatyou’regoing

todo.Therearenojobsin

Stortfold.’

‘Idoknowthat.’

‘Butyou’redrifting.You

don’tseemtobeinterestedin

anything.’

‘Treen,Ijustfelloffa

building.I’mrecuperating.’

‘Andbeforethatyouwere

waftingaroundtravelling.

Andthenyouwereworking

inabaruntilyouknewwhat

youwantedtodo.You’ll

havetosortyourheadoutat

somepoint.Ifyou’renot

goingbacktoschool,you

havetofigureoutwhatitis

you’reactuallygoingtodo

withyourlife.

‘I’mjustsaying.Anyway,

ifyou’regoingtostayin

Stortfold,youneedtorentout

thatflat.MumandDadcan’t

supportyouforever.’

‘Thisfromthewomanwho

hasbeensupportedbythe

BankofMumandDadfor

thepasteightyears.’

‘I’minfull-timeeducation.

That’sdifferent.So,anyway,

Iwentthroughyourbank

statementswhileyouwerein

hospital,andafterI’dpaidall

yourbills,Iworkedout

you’vegotaboutfifteen

hundredpoundsleftover,

includingstatutorysickpay.

Bytheway,whatthehell

wereallthosetransatlantic

phonecalls?Theycostyoua

fortune.’

‘Noneofyourbusiness.’

‘So,Imadeyoualistof

estateagentsintheareawho

dorentals.AndthenIthought

maybewecouldtakeanother

lookatcollegeapplications.

Someonemighthavedropped

outofthatcourseyou

wanted.’

‘Treen.You’remakingme

tired.’

‘Nopointhangingaround.

You’llfeelbetteronceyou’ve

gotsomefocus.’

Forallitwasannoying,

therewassomething

reassuringaboutmysister

naggingatme.Nobodyelse

daredto.Itwasasifmy

parentsstillbelievedthere

wassomethingverywrongat

theheartofme,andthatI

mustbetreatedwithkid

gloves.Mumlaidmy

washing,neatlyfolded,onthe

endofmybedandcookedme

threemealsaday,andwhenI

caughtherwatchingmeshe

wouldsmile,anawkward

half-smile,whichcovered

everythingwedidn’twantto

saytoeachother.Dadtook

metomyphysio

appointments,satbesideme

onthesofatowatch

televisionanddidn’teven

takethemickeyoutofme.

Treenawastheonlyonewho

treatedmelikeshealways

had.

‘YouknowwhatI’mgoing

tosay,don’tyou?’

Iturnedontomyside,

wincing.

‘Ido.Anddon’t.’

‘Well,youknowwhatWill

wouldhavesaid.Youhada

deal.Youcan’tbackoutof

it.’

‘Okay.That’sit,Treen.

We’redonewiththis

conversation.’

‘Fine.Thom’sjustcoming

outofthechangingrooms.

SeeyouFriday!’shesaid,as

ifwehadjustbeentalking

aboutmusic,orwhereshe

wasgoingonholiday,or

soap.

AndIwasleftstaringat

theceiling.

Youhadadeal.

Yeah.Andlookhowthat

turnedout.

ForallTreenamoanedatme,

intheweeksthathadpassed

sinceI’dcomehomeIhad

madesomeprogress.I’d

stoppedusingthecane,which

hadmademefeelaround

eighty-nineyearsold,and

whichIhadmanagedtoleave

behindinalmosteveryplace

I’dvisitedsincecoming

home.MostmorningsItook

Granddadforawalkaround

thepark,atMum’srequest.

Thedoctorhadinstructedhim

totakedailyexercisebut

whenshehadfollowedhim

onedayshehadfoundhewas

simplywalkingtothecorner

shoptobuyabumperpackof

porkscratchingsandeating

themonaslowwalkhome.

Wewalkedslowly,bothof

uswithalimpandneitherof

uswithanyrealplacetobe.

Mumkeptsuggestingwe

dothegroundsofthecastle

‘forachangeofscene’,butI

ignoredher,andasthegate

shutbehinduseachmorning

Granddadnoddedfirmlyin

thedirectionofthepark.It

wasn’tjustbecausethisway

wasshorter,orclosertothe

bettingshop.Ithinkheknew

Ididn’twanttogobackthere.

Iwasn’tready.Iwasn’tsureI

wouldeverbeready.

Wedidtwoslowcircuitsof

theduckpond,andsatona

benchinthewateryspring

sunshinetowatchthe

toddlersandtheirparents

feedingthefatducks,andthe

teenagerssmoking,yelling

andwhackingeachother;the

helplesscombatofearly

courtship.Wetookastroll

overtothebookie’sso

Granddadcouldlosethree

poundsonaneach-waybet

onahorsecalledWagThe

Dog.Then,ashecrumpledup

hisbettingslipandthrewit

intothebin,IsaidI’dbuy

himajamdoughnutfromthe

supermarket.

‘Ohfat,’hesaid,aswe

stoodinthebakerysection.

Ifrownedathim.

‘Ohfat,’hesaid,pointing

atourdoughnuts,and

laughed.

‘Oh.Yup.That’swhat

we’lltellMum.Low-fat

doughnuts.’

Mumsaidhisnew

medicationmadehimgiggly.

Ihaddecidedtherewere

worsethingsthatcould

happentoyou.

Granddadwasstillgiggling

athisownjokeaswequeued

atthecheckout.Ikeptmy

headdown,digginginmy

pocketsforchange.Iwas

thinkingaboutwhetherI

wouldhelpDadwiththe

gardenthatweekend.Soit

tookmeaminutetograsp

whatwasbeingsaidin

whispersbehindme.

‘It’stheguilt.Theysayshe

triedtojumpoffablockof

flats.’

‘Well,youwould,

wouldn’tyou?IknowI

couldn’tlivewithmyself.’

‘I’msurprisedshecan

showherfacearoundhere.’

Istoodverystill.

‘Youknow,poorJosie

Clarkisstillmortified.She

goestoconfessionevery

singleweek,andyouknow

thatwomanisasblamelessas

alineofcleanlaundry.’

Granddadwaspointingat

thedoughnutsandmouthing

atthecheckoutgirl:‘Ohfat.’

Shesmiledpolitely.

‘Eighty-sixpence,please.’

‘TheTraynorshavenever

beenthesame.’

‘Well,itdestroyedthem,

didn’tit?’

‘Eighty-sixpence,please.’

Ittookmeseveralseconds

toregisterthatthecheckout

girlwaslookingatme,

waiting.Ipulledahandfulof

coinsfrommypocket.My

fingersfumbledasItriedto

sortthroughthem.

‘You’dthinkJosie

wouldn’tdareleaveherin

solechargeofher

granddaddy,wouldn’tyou?’

‘Youdon’tthinkshe’d…’

‘Well,youdon’tknow.

She’sdoneittheonce,after

all…’

Mycheekswereflaming.

Mymoneyclatteredontothe

counter.Granddadwasstill

repeating,‘OHFAT.OH

FAT,’atthebemused

checkoutgirl,waitingforher

togetthejoke.Ipulledathis

sleeve.‘Comeon,Granddad,

wehavetogo.’

‘Ohfat,’heinsisted,again.

‘Right,’shesaid,and

smiledkindly.

‘Please,Granddad.’Ifelt

hotanddizzy,asifImight

faint.Theymightstillhave

beentalkingbutmyearswere

ringingsoloudlyIcouldn’t

tell.

‘Bye-bye,’hesaid.

‘Byethen,’saidthegirl.

‘Nice,’saidGranddad,as

weemergedintothesunlight.

Then,lookingatme:‘Why

youcrying?’

Sohereisthethingabout

beinginvolvedina

catastrophic,life-changing

event.Youthinkit’sjustthe

catastrophiclife-changing

eventthatyou’regoingto

havetodealwith:the

flashbacks,thesleepless

nights,theendlessrunning

overeventsinyourhead,

askingyourselfifyouhad

donetherightthing,saidthe

thingsyoushouldhavesaid,

whetheryoucouldhave

changedthings,hadyoudone

itevenadegreedifferently.

Mymotherhadtoldme

thatbeingwithWillatthe

endwouldaffecttherestof

mylife,andIhadthoughtshe

meantme,psychologically.

I’dthoughtshemeantthe

guiltIwouldhavetolearnto

getover,thegrief,the

insomnia,theweird,

inappropriateburstsofanger,

theendlessinternaldialogue

withsomeonewhowasn’t

eventhere.ButnowIsawit

wasn’tjustme:inadigital

age,Iwouldbethatperson

forever.EvenifImanagedto

wipethewholethingfrom

mymemory,Iwouldnever

beallowedtodisassociate

myselffromWill’sdeath.My

namewouldbetiedtohisfor

aslongastherewerepixels

andascreen.Peoplewould

formjudgementsaboutme,

basedonthemostcursory

knowledge–orsometimesno

knowledgeatall–andthere

wasnothingIcoulddoabout

it.

Icutmyhairintoabob.I

changedthewayIdressed,

baggingupeverythingthat

hadevermademedistinctive

andstuffingitintotheback

ofmywardrobe.Iadopted

Treena’suniformofjeansand

agenericT-shirt.Now,when

Ireadnewspaperstories

aboutthebanktellerwhohad

stolenafortune,thewoman

whohadkilledherchild,the

siblingwhohaddisappeared,

Ifoundmyselfnot

shudderinginhorror,asI

oncemighthave,but

wonderinginsteadatthestory

thathadn’tmadeitintoblack

andwhite.

WhatIfeltwiththemwas

aweirdkinship.Iwastainted.

Theworldaroundmeknew

it.Worse,Ihadstartedto

knowittoo.

Ituckedwhatremainedofmy

darkhairintoabeanie,put

mysunglasseson,andwalked

tothelibrary,doing

everythingIcouldnottolet

mylimpshow,eventhoughit

mademyjawachewith

concentration.

Imademywaypastthe

singing-toddlergroupinthe

children’scorner,andthe

silentgenealogyenthusiasts

tryingtoconfirmthat,yes,

theyweredistantlyconnected

toKingRichardIII,andsat

downinthecornerwiththe

filesoflocalpapers.Itwasn’t

hardtolocateAugust2009.I

tookabreath,thenopened

themhalfwayandflicked

throughtheheadlines.

LocalManEndsHisLife

atSwissClinic

TraynorFamilyAskfor

Privacyat‘DifficultTime’

The35-year-oldsonof

StevenTraynor,custodian

ofStortfoldCastle,has

endedhislifeatDignitas,

thecontroversialcentrefor

assistedsuicide.Mr

Traynorwasleft

quadriplegicafteratraffic

accidentin2007.He

apparentlytravelledtothe

clinicwithhisfamilyand

hiscarer,LouisaClark,27,

alsofromStortfold.

Policeareinvestigating

thecircumstances

surroundingthedeath.

Sourcessaytheyhavenot

ruledoutthepossibilitythat

aprosecutionmayarise.

LouisaClark’sparents,

BernardandJosephine

Clark,ofRenfrewRoad,

refusedtocomment.

CamillaTraynor,a

JusticeofthePeace,is

understoodtohavestood

downfromthebench

followingherson’ssuicide.

Alocalsourcesaidher

position,giventheactions

ofthefamily,hadbecome

‘untenable’.

Andthenthereitwas,Will’s

face,lookingoutfromthe

grainynewspaper

photograph.Thatslightly

sardonicsmile,thedirect

gaze.Ifelt,briefly,winded.

MrTraynor’sdeathends

asuccessfulcareerinthe

City,wherehewasknown

asaruthlessassetstripper,

butalsoassomeonewitha

sureeyeforacorporate

bargain.Hiscolleagues

yesterdaylineduptopay

tributetoamanthey

describedas

Iclosedthenewspaper.When

IcouldbesurethatIhadgot

myfaceundercontrol,I

lookedup.Aroundmethe

libraryhummedwithquiet

industry.Thetoddlerskept

singing,theirreedyvoices

chaoticandmeandering,their

mothersclappingfondly

aroundthem.Thelibrarian

behindmewasdiscussing

sottovoce,withacolleague,

thebestwaytomakeThai

curry.Themanbesidemeran

hisfingerdownanancient

electoralroll,murmuring,

‘Fisher,Fitzgibbon,

Fitzwilliam…’

Ihaddonenothing.Itwas

morethaneighteenmonths

andIhaddonenothing,bar

selldrinksintwodifferent

countriesandfeelsorryfor

myself.Andnow,afterfour

weeksbackinthehouseI’d

grownupin,Icouldfeel

Stortfoldreachingouttosuck

mein,toreassuremethatI

couldbefinehere.Itwould

beallright.Theremightbe

nogreatadventures,sure,and

abitofdiscomfortaspeople

adjustedtomypresence

again,buttherewereworse

things,right,thantobewith

yourfamily,lovedand

secure?Safe?

Ilookeddownatthepileof

newspapersinfrontofme.

Themostrecentfront-page

headlineread:

ROWOVERDISABLED

PARKINGSPACEIN

FRONTOFPOST

OFFICE

IthoughtbacktoDad,sitting

onmyhospitalbed,looking

invainforareportofan

extraordinaryaccident.

Ifailedyou,Will.Ifailed

youineverywaypossible.

Youcouldheartheshouting

allthewayupthestreetwhen

Ifinallyarrivedhome.AsI

openedthedoormyearswere

filledwiththesoundof

Thomaswailing.Mysister

wasscoldinghim,herfinger

wagging,inthecornerofthe

livingroom.Mumwas

leaningoverGranddadwitha

washing-upbowlofwater

andascouringpad,while

Granddadpolitelybattedher

away.

‘What’sgoingon?’

Mummovedtotheside

andIsawGranddad’sface

clearlyforthefirsttime.He

wassportinganewsetofjet

blackeyebrowsandathick

blackslightlyuneven

moustache.

‘Permanentpen,’said

Mum.‘Fromnowonnobody

istoleaveGranddadnapping

inthesameroomasThomas.’

‘Youhavetostopdrawing

onthings,’Treenawas

yelling.‘Paperonly,okay?

Notwalls.Notfaces.NotMrs

Reynolds’sdog.Notmy

pants.’

‘Iwasdoingyoudaysof

theweek!’

‘Idon’tneeddays-of-the-

weekpants!’sheshouted.

‘AndifIdidIwouldspell

Wednesdaycorrectly!’

‘Don’tscoldhim,Treen,’

saidMum,leaningbackto

seeifshe’dhadanyeffect.‘It

couldbealotworse.’

Inourlittlehouse,Dad’s

footstepscomingdownthe

stairssoundedlikea

particularlyemphaticrollof

thunder.Hebarrelledintothe

frontroom,hisshoulders

hunchedinfrustration,his

hairstandingupononeside.

‘Can’tamangetanapinhis

ownhouseonhisdayoff?

Thisplaceislikearuddy

madhouse.’

Weallstoppedandstared

athim.

‘What?WhatdidIsay?’

‘Bernard–’

‘Ah,comeon.OurLou

doesn’tthinkImeanher–’

‘Oh,mysweetLord.’

Mum’shandflewtoherface.

Mysisterhadstartedto

pushThomasoutoftheroom.

‘Oh,boy,’shehissed.

‘Thomas,you’dbettergetout

ofhererightnow.BecauseI

swearwhenyourgrandpa

getsholdofyou–’

‘What?’Dadfrowned.

‘What’sthematter?’

Granddadbarkedalaugh.

Heheldupashakingfinger.

Itwasalmostmagnificent.

Thomashadcolouredinthe

wholeofDad’sfacewithblue

markerpen.Hiseyes

emergedliketwo

gooseberriesfromaseaof

cobaltblue.‘What?’

Thomas’svoice,ashe

disappeareddownthe

corridor,wasawailof

protest.‘Wewerewatching

Avatar!Hesaidhewouldn’t

mindbeinganavatar!’

Dad’seyeswidened.He

strodetothemirroroverthe

mantelpiece.

Therewasabriefsilence.

‘Oh,myGod.’

‘Bernard,don’ttakethe

Lord’snameinvain.’

‘He’sturnedmebloody

blue,Josie.IthinkI’m

entitledtotaketheLord’s

nametoButlinsinaflipping

wheelbarrow.Isthis

permanentpen?THOMMO?

ISTHISPERMANENT

PEN?’

‘We’llgetitoff,Dad.’My

sisterclosedthedoortothe

gardenbehindher.Beyondit

youcouldjustmakeout

Thomas’swailing.

‘I’mmeanttobe

overseeingthenewfencingat

thecastletomorrow.Ihave

contractorscoming.Howthe

hellamImeanttodealwith

contractorsifI’mblue?’Dad

spatonhishandandstarted

torubathisface.Thefaintest

smudgingappeared,but

mostlyseemedtospreadonto

hispalm.‘It’snotcomingoff.

Josie,it’snotcomingoff!’

Mumshiftedherattention

fromGranddadandsetabout

Dadwiththescouringpad.

‘Juststaystill,Bernard.I’m

doingwhatIcan.’

Treenawentforherlaptop

bag.‘I’llgoontheinternet.

I’msurethere’ssomething.

Toothpasteornail-polish

removerorbleachor–’

‘Youarenotputtingbleach

onmyruddyface!’Dad

roared.Granddad,withhis

newpiratemoustache,sat

gigglinginthecornerofthe

room.

Ibegantoedgepastthem.

MumwasholdingDad’s

facewithherlefthandasshe

scrubbed.Sheturned,asif

she’donlyjustseenme.

‘Lou!Ididn’task–areyou

okay,love?Didyouhavea

nicewalk?’Everyonestopped

abruptlytosmileatme;a

smilethatsaid,Everything’s

okayhere,Lou.Youdon’t

havetoworry.Ihatedthat

smile.

‘Fine.’

Itwastheanswertheyall

wanted.MumturnedtoDad.

‘That’sgrand.Isn’titgrand,

Bernard?’

‘Itis.Greatnews.’

‘Ifyousortoutyour

whites,love,I’llpopthemin

thewashwithDaddy’slater.’

‘Actually,’Isaid,‘don’t

bother.I’vebeenthinking.

It’stimeformetogohome.’

Nobodyspoke.Mum

glancedatDad.Granddadlet

outanotherlittlegiggleand

clampedhishandoverhis

mouth.

‘Fairenough,’saidDad,

withasmuchdignityasa

middle-aged,blueberry-

colouredmancouldmuster.

‘Butifyougobacktothat

flat,Louisa,yougoonone

condition…’

C H A P T E R F O U R

‘MynameisNatashaandI

lostmyhusbandtocancer

threeyearsago.’

OnahumidMondaynight,

themembersoftheMoving

OnCirclesatinaringof

orangeofficechairsinthe

PentecostalChurchHall,

alongsideMarc,theleader,a

tall,moustachioedman,

whosewholebeingexudeda

kindofexhausted

melancholy,andoneempty

chair.

‘I’mFred.Mywife,Jilly,

diedinSeptember.Shewas

seventy-four.’

‘Sunil.Mytwinbrother

diedofleukaemiatwoyears

ago.’

‘William.Deadfather,six

monthsago.Allabit

ridiculous,frankly,aswe

neverreallygotonwhenhe

wasalive.Ikeepasking

myselfwhyI’mhere.’

Therewasapeculiarscent

togrief.Itsmeltofdamp,

imperfectlyventilatedchurch

hallsandpoor-quality

teabags.Itsmeltofmealsfor

oneandstalecigarettes,

smokedhunchedagainstthe

cold.Itsmeltofspritzedhair

andarmpits,littlepractical

victoriesagainstamorassof

despair.Thatsmellalonetold

meIdidnotbelongthere,

whateverIhadpromisedDad.

Ifeltlikeafraud.Plusthey

alllookedso…sad.

Ishifteduneasilyinmy

seat,andMarccaughtme.He

gavemeareassuringsmile.

Weknow,itsaid.We’vebeen

herebefore.

Ibetyouhaven’t,I

respondedsilently.

‘Sorry.SorryI’mlate.’The

dooropened,lettinginablast

ofwarmair,andtheempty

chairwastakenbyamop-

headedteenager,whofolded

hislimbsintoplaceasifthey

werealwayssomehowtoo

longforthespacetheywere

in.

‘Jake.Youmissedlast

week.Everythingokay?’

‘Sorry.Dadmessedupat

workandhecouldn’tgetme

here.’

‘Don’tworry.It’sgood

youmadeit.Youknow

wherethedrinksare.’

Theboyglancedaround

theroomfromunderhislong

fringe,hesitatingslightly

whenhisgazelandedonmy

glitterygreenskirt.Ipulled

mybagontomylapinan

attempttohideitandhe

lookedaway.

‘Hello,dear.I’mDaphne.

Myhusbandtookhisown

life.Idon’tthinkitwasthe

nagging!’Thewoman’shalf-

laughseemedtoleakpain.

Shepattedhercarefullyset

hairandpeereddown

awkwardlyatherknees.‘We

werehappy.Wewere.’

Theboy’shandswere

tuckedunderhisthighs.

‘Jake.Mum.Twoyearsago.

I’vebeencominghereforthe

pastyearbecausemydad

can’tdealwithit,andI

neededsomeonetotalkto.’

‘Howisyourdadthis

week,Jake?’saidMarc.

‘Notbad.Imean,he

broughtawomanhomelast

Fridaynightbut,like,he

didn’tsitonthesofaandcry

afterwards.Sothat’s

something.’

‘Jake’sfatherishandling

hisowngriefinhisown

way,’Marcsaidinmy

direction.

‘Shagging,’saidJake.

‘Mostlyshagging.’

‘IwishIwasyounger,’

saidFred,wistfully.Hewas

wearingacollarandtie,the

kindofmanwhoconsiders

himselfundressedwithout

one.‘Ithinkthatwouldhave

beenamarvellouswayto

handleJillydying.’

‘Mycousinpickedupa

manatmyaunt’sfuneral,’

saidawomaninthecorner

whomighthavebeencalled

Leanne;Icouldn’tremember.

Shewassmallandroundand

hadathickfringeof

chocolate-colouredhair.

‘Actuallyduringthe

funeral?’

‘Shesaidtheywenttoa

Travelodgeafterthe

sandwiches.’Sheshrugged.

‘It’stheheightenedemotions,

apparently.’

Iwasinthewrongplace.I

couldseethatnow.

Surreptitiously,Igatheredmy

belongings,wondering

whetherIshouldannounce

myleavingorwhetherit

wouldbesimplerjusttorun.

ThenMarcturnedtome

expectantly.

Istaredblanklyathim.

Heraisedhiseyebrows.

‘Oh.Me?Actually,Iwas

justleaving.IthinkI’ve…I

mean,Idon’tthinkI’m–’

‘Oh,everyonewantsto

leaveontheirfirstday,dear.’

‘Iwantedtoleaveonmy

secondandthirdtoo.’

‘That’sthebiscuits.Ikeep

tellingMarcweshouldhave

betterones.’

‘Justtellusthebarebones

ofit,ifyoulike.Don’tworry.

You’reamongfriends.’

Theywereallwaiting.I

couldn’trun.Ihunchedback

intomyseat.‘Um.Okay.

Well,myname’sLouisaand

themanI…Iloved…died

atthirty-five.’

Therewereafewnodsof

sympathy.

‘Tooyoung.Whendidthis

happen,Louisa?’

‘Twentymonthsago.And

aweek.Andtwodays.’

‘Threeyears,twoweeks

andtwodays.’Natasha

smiledatmefromacrossthe

room.

Therewasalowmurmur

ofcommiseration.Daphne,

besideme,reachedouta

plump,beringedhandand

pattedmyleg.

‘We’vehadmany

discussionsinthisroom

abouttheparticular

difficultieswhensomeone

diesyoung,’saidMarc.‘How

longwereyoutogether?’

‘Uh.We…well…alittle

lessthansixmonths.’

Afewbarelyhiddenlooks

ofsurprise.

‘That’s–quitebrief,’a

voicesaid.

‘I’msureLouisa’spainis

justasvalid,’saidMarc,

smoothly.‘Andhowdidhe

pass,Louisa?’

‘Passwhat?’

‘Die,’saidFred,helpfully.

‘Oh.He–uh–hetookhis

ownlife.’

‘Thatmusthavebeena

greatshock.’

‘Notreally.Iknewhewas

planningit.’

Thereisapeculiarsortof

silence,itturnsout,whenyou

tellaroomfullofpeoplewho

thinktheyknoweverything

thereistoknowaboutthe

deathofalovedonethatthey

don’t.

Itookabreath.‘Heknew

hewantedtodoitbeforeI

methim.Itriedtochangehis

mindandIcouldn’t.SoI

wentalongwithit,becauseI

lovedhim,anditseemedto

makesenseatthetime.And

nowitmakesalotlesssense.

WhichiswhyI’mhere.’

‘Deathnevermakessense,’

saidDaphne.

‘Unlessyou’reBuddhist,’

saidNatasha.‘Ikeeptryingto

thinkBuddhistthoughtsbut

I’mworriedthatOlafisgoing

tocomebackasamouseor

somethingandI’mgoingto

poisonhim.’Shesighed.‘I

havetoputpoisondown.We

haveaterriblemouse

probleminourblock.’

‘You’llnevergetridof

them.They’relikefleas,’said

Sunil.‘Foreveryoneyousee,

therearehundredsofthem

behindthescenes.’

‘Youmightwanttothink

aboutwhatyou’redoing,

Natasha,love,’saidDaphne.

‘Therecouldbehundredsof

littleOlafsrunningaround.

MyAlancouldbeoneof

them.Youcouldactuallybe

poisoningthebothofthem.’

‘Well,’saidFred,‘ifit’s

Buddhist,he’djustcome

backassomethingelse,

wouldn’the?’

‘Butwhatifit’saflyor

somethingandNatashakills

thattoo?’

‘I’dhatetocomebackasa

fly,’saidWilliam.‘Horrible

blackhairythings.’He

shuddered.

‘I’mnot,like,somemass

murderer,’saidNatasha.

‘You’remakingitsoundlike

I’moutthereslaughtering

everyone’sreincarnated

husbands.’

‘Well,thatmousemightbe

someone’shusband.Evenifit

isn’tOlaf.’

‘Ithinkweshouldtryto

steerthissessionbackon

track,’saidMarc,rubbinghis

temple.‘Louisa,it’sbraveof

youtocomeandtellyour

story.Whydon’tyoutellusa

bitmoreabouthowyouand–

whatwashisname?–how

youmet.You’reinacircleof

trust.We’veallpledgedthat

ourstoriesgonofurtherthan

thesewalls.’

ItwasatthispointthatI

happenedtocatchJake’seye.

HeglancedatDaphne,thenat

me,andshookhishead

subtly.

‘Imethimatwork,’Isaid.

‘Andhisnamewas…Bill.’

DespitewhatIhadpromised

Dad,Iwasn’tplanningto

attendtheMovingOnCircle.

Butmyreturntoworkhad

beensoawfulthatbythetime

thedayendedIhadn’tbeen

abletofacegoinghometoan

emptyflat.

‘You’reback!’Carlyhad

placedthecupofcoffeeon

thebar,takenthe

businessman’schange,and

huggedme,allwhile

droppingthecoinsintothe

correctsectionsofthetill

drawer,inonefluidmotion.

‘Whatthehellhappened?

Timjusttoldusyouhadan

accident.AndthenheleftsoI

wasn’tevensureyouwere

comingback.’

‘Longstory.’Istaredat

her.‘Uh…whatareyou

wearing?’

Nineo’clockonMonday

morningandtheairporthad

beenablue-greyblurofmen

charginglaptops,staringinto

iPhones,readingtheCity

pagesortalkingdiscreetly

intohandsetsaboutmarket

share.Carlycaughttheeyeof

someoneontheothersideof

thetill.‘Yeah.Well,things

havechangedsinceyou’ve

beengone.’

Iturnedtoseea

businessmanstandingonthe

wrongsideofthebar.I

blinkedathimandputmy

bagdown.‘Um–ifyou’d

liketowaitthere,I’llserve

you–’

‘YoumustbeLouise.’His

handshakewasemphaticand

withoutwarmth.‘I’mthenew

barmanager.Richard

Percival.’Itookinhisslick

hair,hissuit,hispaleblue

shirt,andwonderedwhat

kindofbarshehadactually

managed.

‘Nicetomeetyou.’

‘You’retheonewho’s

beenofffortwomonths.’

‘Well.Yes.I–’

Hewalkedalongthe

optics,scanningeachbottle.

‘Ijustwantyoutoknowthat

I’mnotafanofpeopletaking

endlesssickleave.’

Myneckshiftedafew

centimetresbackinmycollar.

‘I’mjustlayingdowna

marker,Louise.I’mnotone

ofthosemanagerswhoturna

blindeye.Iknowthatin

manycompaniestimeoffis

prettymuchconsidereda

staffperk.Butnotin

companieswhereIwork.’

‘Believeme,I’venot

thoughtofthelastnineweeks

asaperk.’

Heexaminedtheunderside

ofatap,andrubbedatit

meditativelywithhisthumb.

ItookabreathbeforeI

spoke.‘Ifelloffabuilding.

PerhapsIcouldshowyoumy

surgeryscars.So,youknow,

youcanbereassuredthatI’m

unlikelytowanttodoit

again.’

Hestaredatme.‘There’s

noneedtobesarcastic.I’m

notsayingyou’reaboutto

haveotheraccidents,butyour

sickleaveis,prorata,atan

unusuallyhighlevelfor

someonewhohasworkedfor

thiscompanyarelatively

shorttime.That’sallIwanted

topointout.Thatithasbeen

noted.’

Heworecufflinkswith

racingcarsonthem.

‘Messagereceived,Mr

Percival.’Isaid.‘I’lldomy

besttoavoidfurthernear-

fatalaccidents.’

‘You’llneedauniform.If

yougivemefiveminutesI’ll

getoneoutofthestockroom.

Whatsizeareyou?Twelve?

Fourteen?’

Istaredathim.‘Ten.’

Heraisedaneyebrow.I

raisedoneback.Ashe

walkedtohisoffice,Carly

leanedoverfromthecoffee

machineandsmiledsweetly

inhisdirection.‘Utter,utter

bellend,’shesaid,fromthe

sideofhermouth.

Shewasn’twrong.Fromthe

momentIreturned,Richard

Percivalwas,inthewordsof

myfather,allovermelikea

badsuit.Hemeasuredmy

measures,checkedevery

cornerofthebarfor

molecularpeanutcrumbs,

wasinandoutoftheloos

checkingonhygieneand

wouldn’tletusleaveuntilhe

hadstoodoveruscashingup

andensuringeachtillroll

matchedtakingstothelast

penny.

Inolongerhadtimetochat

tothecustomers,tolookup

departuretimes,handover

lostpassports,contemplate

theplaneswecouldsee

takingoffthroughthegreat

glasswindow.Ididn’teven

havetimetobeirritatedby

CelticPanPipes,Vol.III.Ifa

customerwasleftwaitingto

beservedformorethanten

secondsRichardwould

magicallyappearfromhis

office,sighingostentatiously,

thenapologizeloudlyand

repeatedlybecausetheyhad

beenkeptwaitingsolong.

CarlyandI,usuallybusywith

othercustomers,would

exchangesecretglancesof

resignationandcontempt.

Hespenthalftheday

meetingreps,therestonthe

phonetoHeadOffice,

bleatingaboutFootfalland

SpendPerHead.Wewere

encouragedtoupsellwith

everytransaction,andtaken

toonesideforatalking-toif

weforgot.Allthatwasbad

enough.

Butthentherewasthe

uniform.

CarlycameintotheLadies

asIwasfinishinggetting

changedandstoodbesideme

infrontofthemirror.‘We

looklikeapairofeejits,’she

said.

Notcontentwithdark

skirtsandwhiteshirts,some

marketinggeniushighupthe

corporateladderhaddecided

thattheatmosphereofthe

ShamrockandCloverchain

wouldbenefitfromgenuine

Irishclothing.Thisgenuine

Irishclothinghadevidently

beenthoughtupbysomeone

whobelievedthatacross

Dublin,rightthisminute,

businesswomenandcheckout

girlswerepirouettingacross

theirworkplacesdressedin

embroideredtabards,knee-

highsocksandlaced-up

dancingshoes,allinglittering

emeraldgreen.With

accompanyingringletwigs.

‘Jesus.Ifmyboyfriendsaw

medressedlikethishe’d

dumpme.’Carlylita

cigarette,andclimbedupon

thesinktodisablethesmoke

alarmontheceiling.‘Mind

you,he’dprobablywanttodo

mefirst.Theperv.’

‘Whatdothemenhaveto

wear?’Ipulledmyshortskirt

outatthesidesandeyed

Carly’slighternervously,

wonderinghowflammableI

was.

‘Lookoutside.There’s

onlyRichard.Andhehasto

wearthatshirtwithagreen

logo.Thepoorthing.’

‘That’sit?Nopixieshoes?

Orlittleleprechaunhat?’

‘Surprise,surprise.It’s

onlyusgirlswhohaveto

worklookinglikeporno

Munchkins.’

‘IlooklikeDollyParton:

TheEarlyYearsinthiswig.’

‘Grabaredone.Luckyus,

wehaveachoiceofthree

colours.’

Fromsomewhereoutside

wecouldhearRichard

calling.Mystomachhad

beguntoclenchreflexively

whenIheardhisvoice.

‘Anyway,I’mnotstaying.

I’mgoingtoRiverdancemy

wayoutofthisplaceandinto

anotherjob,’Carlysaid.‘He

canstickhisbloody

shamrocksuphistightlittle

corporatearse.’Shehad

givenwhatIcouldonly

describeasasarcasticskip,

andlefttheLadies.Ispentthe

restofthedaygettinglittle

electricshocksfromthe

static.

TheMovingOnCircleended

athalfpastnine.Iwalkedout

intothehumidsummer

evening,exhaustedbythe

twintrialsofworkandthe

evening’sevents.Itookoff

myjacket,toohot,feeling

suddenlythat,havinglaid

myselfbareinfrontofaroom

fullofstrangers,beingseen

inafaux-Irishdancer

uniform,whichwas,intruth,

eversoslightlytoosmall,

didn’treallymakemuch

difference.

Ihadn’tbeenabletotalk

aboutWill–notthewaythey

talked,asiftheirlovedones

werestillpartoftheirlives,

perhapsinthenextroom.

–Ohyes,myJillyusedto

dothatallthetime.

–Ican’tdeletemy

brother’svoicemailmessage.

Ihavealittlelistentohis

voicewhenIfeellikeI’m

goingtoforgetwhathe

soundedlike.

–SometimesIcanhear

himinthenextroom.

Icouldbarelyevensay

Will’sname.Andlisteningto

theirtalesoffamily

relationships,ofthirty-year

marriages,sharedhouses,

lives,children,Ifeltlikea

fraud.Ihadbeenacarerfor

someoneforsixmonths.I’d

lovedhim,andwatchedhim

endhislife.Howcouldthese

strangerspossiblyunderstand

whatWillandIhadbeento

eachotherduringthattime?

HowcouldIexplaintheway

wehadsoswiftlyunderstood

eachother,theshorthand

jokes,theblunttruthsand

rawsecrets?HowcouldI

conveythewaythoseshort

monthshadchangedtheway

Ifeltabouteverything?The

wayhehadskewedmyworld

sototallythatitmadeno

sensewithouthiminit?

Andwhenitcamedownto

it,whatwasthepointinre-

examiningyoursadnessall

thetimeanyway?Itwaslike

pickingatawoundand

refusingtoletitheal.Iknew

whatIhadbeenpartof.I

knewwhatmyrolewas.

Whatwasthepointingoing

overandoverit?

Iwouldn’tcomenext

week,Iknewnow.Iwould

findanexcuseforDad.

Iwalkedslowlyacrossthe

carpark,rummaginginmy

bagformykeys,telling

myselfithadatleastmeant

thatIhadn’thadtospend

anothereveningaloneinfront

ofmytelevision,dreadingthe

passingofthetwelvehours

untilIhadtoreturntowork.

‘Hisnamewasn’treally

Bill,right?’

Jakefellintostep

alongsideme.

‘Nope.’

‘Daphne’slikeaone-

womanbroadcasting

corporation.Shemeanswell,

butyourpersonalstorywill

bealloverhersocialclub

beforeyoucansayRodent

Reincarnation.’

‘Thanksforthat.’

Hegrinnedatme,and

noddedtowardsmyLurex

skirt.‘Nicethreads,bythe

way.It’sagoodlookfora

grief-counsellingsession.’He

stoppedbrieflytoretiea

shoelace.

Istoppedwithhim.I

hesitated,thensaid:‘I’m

sorryaboutyourmum.’

Hisfacewassombre.‘You

can’tsaythat.It’slikeprison

–youcan’tasksomeonewhat

they’reinfor.’

‘Really?Oh,I’msorry.I

didn’t–’

‘I’mjoking.Seeyounext

week.’

Amanleaningagainsta

motorbikeliftedahandin

greeting.Hesteppedforward

asJakecrossedthecarpark

andenvelopedhiminabear

hug,kissinghischeek.I

stoppedtowatch,mostly

becauseitwasraretoseea

manhughissonlikethatin

public,oncetheywereover

satchel-carryingage.

‘Howwasit?’

‘Okay.Theusual.’Jake

gesturedtome.‘Oh,thisis…

Louisa.She’snew.’

Themansquintedatme.

Hewastallandbroad-

shouldered.Anosethatmight

oncehavebeenbrokengave

himthefaintlybruising

appearanceofaformerboxer.

Inoddedapolitegreeting.

‘Itwasnicetomeetyou,

Jake.Byethen.’Ilifteda

hand,andbegantomakemy

waytomycar.ButasI

passedthemanhekept

staringatme,andIfelt

myselfcolourunderthe

intensityofhisgaze.‘You’re

thatgirl,’hesaid.

Oh,no,Ithought,slowing

suddenly.Notheretoo.

Istaredatthegroundfora

momentandtookabreath.

ThenIturnedbacktoface

themboth.‘Okay.AsI’ve

justmadeclearinthegroup,

myfriendmadehisown

decisions.AllIeverdidwas

supportthem.Notthat,ifI’m

honest,Ireallywanttoget

intothisrighthereandwitha

completestranger.’

Jake’sfathercontinuedto

squintatme.Heliftedhis

handtohishead.

‘Iunderstandthatnot

everybodywillgetit.But

that’sthewayitwas.Idon’t

feelIhavetodebatemy

choices.AndI’mreallytired

andit’sbeenabitofaday,

andIthinkI’mgoingtogo

homenow.’

Hecockedhisheadtoone

side.Andthenhesaid,‘I

havenoideawhatyou’re

talkingabout.’

Ifrowned.

‘Thelimp.Inoticedyou

havealimp.Youlivenear

thatmassivenew

development,right?You’re

thegirlwhofellofftheroof.

March.April.’

AndsuddenlyIrecognized

him.‘Oh–youwere–’

‘Theparamedic.Wewere

theteamwhopickedyouup.

I’dbeenwonderingwhat

happenedtoyou.’

Ialmostbuckledwith

relief.Iletmygazerunover

hisface,hishair,hisarms,

suddenlyrecallingwith

Pavlovianaccuracyhis

reassuringmanner,thesound

ofthesiren,thefaintscentof

lemons.AndIletouta

breath.‘I’mgood.Well.Not

goodexactly.Ihaveashot

hipandanewbosswho’san

utterarseand–youknow–

I’matagrief-counselling

clubinadampchurchhall

withpeoplewhoarejust

really,really…’

‘Sad,’saidJake,helpfully.

‘Thehipwillgetbetter.It’s

plainlynothinderingyour

dancecareer.’

Mylaughemergedasa

honk.

‘Oh.No.Thisis…The

outfitisrelatedtotheboss

whoisanarse.Notmy

normalmodeofdress.

Anyway.Thankyou.Wow

…’Iputmyhandtomy

head.‘Thisisweird.You

savedme.’

‘It’sgoodtoseeyou.We

don’toftengettoseewhat

happensafterwards.’

‘Youdidagreatjob.Itwas

…Well,youwerereally

kind.Irememberthatmuch.’

‘Denada.’

Istaredathim.

‘Denada.Spanish.“Itwas

nothing.”’

‘Oh,okay,then.Itakeitall

back.Thanksfornothing.’

Hesmiledandraiseda

paddle-sizedhand.

Afterwards,Ididn’tknow

whatmademedoit.‘Hey.’

Helookedbacktowards

me.‘It’sSam,actually.’

‘Sam.Ididn’tjump.’

‘Okay.’

‘No.Really.Imean,I

knowyou’vejustseenme

comingoutofagrief-

counsellinggroupand

everythingbutit’s–well,I

just–Iwouldn’tjump.’

Hegavemealookthat

seemedtosuggesthehad

seenandheardeverything.

‘Goodtoknow.’

Wegazedateachotherfor

aminute.Thenheliftedhis

handagain.‘Nicetoseeyou,

Louisa.’

Hepulledonahelmetand

Jakeslidontothebikebehind

him.Ifoundmyselfwatching

astheypulledoutofthecar

park.AndbecauseIwasstill

watchingIcaughtJake’s

exaggeratedeyerollashe

pulledonhisownhelmet.

AndthenIrememberedwhat

hehadsaidinthesession.

Thecompulsiveshagger.

‘Idiot,’Itoldmyself,and

limpedacrosstherestofthe

tarmactowheremycarwas

boilinggentlyintheevening

heat.

C H A P T E R F I V E

Ilivedontheedgeofthe

City.IncaseIwasinany

doubt,acrosstheroadstooda

hugeoffice-block-sized

crater,surroundedbya

developer’shoarding,upon

whichwaswritten:

FARTHINGATE–WHERETHE

CITYBEGINS.Weexistedatthe

exactpointwheretheglossy

glasstemplestofinance

buttedupagainstthegrubby

oldbrickandsash-windows

ofcurryshopsandtwenty-

four-hourgrocers,ofstripper

pubsandminicabofficesthat

resolutelyrefusedtodie.My

blocksatamongthose

architecturalrefuseniks,a

lead-stained,warehouse-style

buildingstaringatthesteady

onslaughtofglassandsteel

andwonderinghowlongit

couldsurvive,perhaps

rescuedbyahipsterjuicebar

orpop-upretailexperience.I

knewnobodyexceptSamir

whorantheconvenience

storeandthewomaninthe

bagelbakery,whosmiledat

meingreetingbutdidn’t

seemtospeakanyEnglish.

Mostlythisanonymity

suitedme.Ihadcomehere,

afterall,toescapemyhistory,

fromfeelingasifeveryone

kneweverythingtherewasto

knowaboutme.AndtheCity

hadbeguntoalterme.Ihad

cometoknowmylittlecorner

ofit,itsrhythmsandits

dangerpoints.Ilearnedthatif

yougavemoneytothedrunk

atthebusstationhewould

comeandsitoutsideyourflat

forthenexteightweeks;that

ifIhadtowalkthroughthe

estateatnightitwaswiseto

doitwithmykeyslodged

betweenmyfingers;thatifI

waswalkingouttogetalate-

nightbottleofwineitwas

probablybetternottoglance

atthegroupofyoungmen

huddledoutsideKebab

Korner.Iwasnolonger

disturbedbythepersistent

whumpwhumpwhumpofthe

policehelicopteroverhead.

Icouldsurvive.Besides,I

knew,morethananyone,that

worsethingscouldhappen.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey,Lou.Can’tsleep

again?’

‘It’sjustgoneteno’clock

here.’

‘So,what’sup?’

Nathan,Will’sformer

physio,hadspentthelastnine

monthsworkinginNewYork

foramiddle-agedCEOwitha

WallStreetreputation,afour-

storeytownhouseanda

muscularcondition.Calling

himinmysleeplesssmall

hourshadbecomesomething

ofahabit.Itwasgoodto

knowtherewassomeonewho

understood,outthereinthe

dark,evenifsometimeshis

newsfelttingedwithaseries

ofsmallblows–everyone

elsehasmovedon.Everyone

elsehasachievedsomething.

‘Sohow’stheBigApple?’

‘Notbad?’HisAntipodean

drawlmadeeveryanswera

question.

Ilaydownonthesofa,

pushingmyfeetuponthe

armrest.‘Yeah.Thatdoesn’t

tellmeawholelot.’

‘Okay.Well,gotapayrise,

sothatwascool.Booked

myselfaflighthomeina

coupleofweekstoseethe

olds.Sothat’llbegood.

They’reoverthemoon

becausemysister’shavinga

baby.Oh,andImetareally

fitbirdinabardownonSixth

Avenueandweweregetting

onrealwellsoIaskedher

out,andwhenItoldherwhat

Idid,shesaidsorrybutshe

onlywentoutwithguyswho

woresuitstowork.’He

laughed.

IfoundIwassmiling.‘So

scrubsdon’tcount?’

‘Apparentlynot.Though

shedidsayshemighthave

changedhermindifIwasan

actualdoctor.’Helaughed

again.Nathanwasmadeof

equanimity.‘It’scool.Girls

likethatgetallpickyifyou

don’ttakethemtotheright

restaurantsandstuff.Betterto

knowsooner,right?How

aboutyou?’

Ishrugged.‘Gettingthere.

Sortof.’

‘YoustillsleepinginhisT-

shirt?’

‘No.Itstoppedsmellingof

him.Andithadstartedtoget

abitunsavoury,ifI’mhonest.

IwasheditandI’vepackedit

intissue.ButI’vegothis

jumperforbaddays.’

‘Goodtohaveback-up.’

‘Oh,andIwenttothe

grief-counsellinggroup.’

‘Howwasit?’

‘Crap.Ifeltlikeafraud.’

Nathanwaited.

Ishiftedthepillowunder

myhead.‘DidIimagineit

all,Nathan?SometimesI

thinkI’vemadewhat

happenedbetweenWilland

mesomuchbiggerinmy

head.LikehowcanIhave

lovedsomeonethatmuchin

suchashorttime?Andall

thesethingsIthinkaboutthe

twoofus–didweactually

feelwhatIremember?The

furtherwegetfromit,the

morethosesixmonthsjust

seemslikethisweird…

dream.’

Therewasatinypause

beforeNathanresponded.

‘Youdidn’timagineit,mate.’

Irubbedmyeyes.‘AmI

theonlyone?Stillmissing

him?’

Anothershortsilence.

‘Nah.Hewasagood

bloke.Thebest.’

Thatwasoneofthethings

IlikedaboutNathan.He

didn’tmindalengthyphone

silence.Ifinallysatupand

blewmynose.‘Anyway.I

don’tthinkI’llgoback.I’m

notsureit’smything.’

‘Giveitago,Lou.You

can’tjudgeanythingfrom

onesession.’

‘Yousoundlikemydad.’

‘Well,healwayswasa

sensiblefella.’

Istartedatthesoundofthe

doorbell.Nobodyeverrang

mydoorbell,asidefromMrs

Nellisinflattwelve,whenthe

postmanhadaccidentally

swappedourmail.Idoubted

shewasupatthishour.AndI

certainlywasnotinreceiptof

herElizabethanDoll

partworkmagazine.

Itrangagain.Athirdtime,

shrillandinsistent.

‘I’vegottogo.Someone’s

atthedoor.’

‘Keepyourpeckerup,

mate.You’llbeokay.’

Iputthephonedownand

stoodupwarily.Ihadno

friendsnearby.Ihadn’t

workedouthowyouactually

madethemwhenyoumoved

toanewareaandspentmost

ofyouruprighthours

working.Andifmyparents

haddecidedtostagean

interventionandbringme

backtoStortfold,theywould

haveorganizeditbetween

rush-hoursasneitherofthem

likeddrivinginthedark.

Iwaited,wonderingif

whoeveritwaswouldsimply

realizetheirmistakeandgo

away.Butitrangagain,

jarringandendless,asifthey

werenowleaningagainstthe

bell.

Igotupandwalkedtothe

door.‘Whoisit?’

‘Ineedtotalktoyou.’

Agirl’svoice.Ipeered

throughthespy-hole.Shewas

lookingdownatherfeet,soI

couldonlymakeoutlong

chestnuthair,anoversized

bomberjacket.Sheswayed

slightly,rubbedathernose.

Drunk?

‘Ithinkyouhavethe

wrongflat.’

‘AreyouLouisaClark?’

Ipaused.‘Howdoyou

knowmyname?’

‘Ineedtotalktoyou.Can

youjustopenthedoor?’

‘It’salmosthalfpasttenat

night.’

‘Yeah.That’swhyI’d

rathernotbestandingherein

yourcorridor.’

Ihadlivedtherelong

enoughtoknownottoopen

mydoortostrangers.Inthat

areaoftownitwasnot

unusualtogettheoddjunkie

ringingbellsspeculativelyin

thehopeofcash.Butthiswas

awell-spokengirl.And

young.Tooyoungtobeone

ofthejournalistswhohad

brieflyfixatedonthestoryof

thehandsomeformerwhizz-

kidwhohaddecidedtoend

hislife.Tooyoungtobeout

thislate?Iangledmyhead,

tryingtoseeiftherewas

anyoneelseinthecorridor.It

appearedtobeempty.‘Can

youtellmewhatit’sabout?’

‘Notouthere,no.’

Iopenedthedoortothe

lengthofthesafetychain,so

thatwewereeyetoeye.

‘You’regoingtohavetogive

memorethanthat.’

Shecouldn’thavebeen

morethansixteen,thedewy

plumpnessofyouthstill

visibleinhercheeks.Herhair

longandlustrous.Long

skinnylegsintightblack

jeans.Flickyeyeliner,ina

prettyface.‘So…whodid

yousayyouwere?’Iasked.

‘Lily.LilyHoughton-

Miller.Look,’shesaid,and

liftedherchinaninch,‘Ineed

totalktoyouaboutmy

father.’

‘Ithinkyouhavethe

wrongperson.Idon’tknow

anyonecalledHoughton-

Miller.Theremustbeanother

LouisaClarkyou’veconfused

mewith.’

Imadetoshutthedoor,but

shehadwedgedthetoeofher

shoeinit.Ilookeddownatit,

andslowlybackupather.

‘Nothisname,’shesaid,as

thoughIwasstupid.And

whenshespoke,hereyes

werebothfierceand

searching.‘HisnameisWill

Traynor.’

LilyHoughton-Millerstood

inthemiddleofmyliving

roomandsurveyedmewith

thedetachedinterestofa

scientistgazingatanew

varietyofmanure-based

invertebrate.‘Wow.Whatare

youwearing?’

‘I–IworkinanIrishpub.’

‘Poledancing?’Having

apparentlylostinterestinme,

shepivotedslowly,gazingat

theroom.‘Thisiswhereyou

actuallylive?Where’syour

furniture?’

‘Ijustmovedin.’

‘Onesofa,onetelevision,

twoboxesofbooks?’She

noddedtowardsthechairon

whichIsat,mybreathingstill

unbalanced,tryingtomake

anykindofsenseoutofwhat

shehadjusttoldme.

Istoodup.‘I’mgoingto

getadrink.Wouldyoulike

something?’

‘I’llhaveaCoke.Unless

you’vegotwine.’

‘Howoldareyou?’

‘Whydoyouwantto

know?’

‘Idon’tunderstand…’I

wentbehindthekitchen

counter.‘Willdidn’thave

children.Iwouldhave

known.’Ifrownedather,

suddenlysuspicious.‘Isthis

somekindofjoke?’

‘Ajoke?’

‘WillandItalked…alot.

Hewouldhavetoldme.’

‘Yeah.Well,turnsouthe

didn’t.AndIneedtotalk

abouthimtosomeonewhois

notgoingtototallyfreakout

everytimeIevenmentionhis

name,liketherestofmy

family.’

Shepickedupthecard

frommymotherandputit

downagain.‘I’mhardly

goingtosayitasajoke.I

mean,yeah.Myrealdad,

somesadblokeina

wheelchair.Likethat’s

funny.’

Ihandedheraglassof

water.‘Butwho…whois

yourfamily?Imean,whois

yourmother?’

‘Haveyougotany

cigarettes?’Shehadstarted

pacingaroundtheroom,

touchingthings,pickingup

thefewbelongingsIhadand

puttingthemdown.WhenI

shookmyhead,shesaid,‘My

motheriscalledTanya.

TanyaMiller.She’smarried

tomystepdad,whoiscalled

FrancisStupidFuckface

Houghton.’

‘Nicename.’

Sheputdownthewater

andpulledapacketof

cigarettesfromherbomber

jacketandlitone.Iwasgoing

tosayshecouldn’tsmokein

myhome,butIwastootaken

aback,soIsimplywalked

overtothewindowand

openedit.

Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoff

her.Icouldmaybeseelittle

hintsofWill.Itwasinher

blueeyes,thatvaguely

caramelcolouring.Itwasin

thewayshetiltedherchin

slightlybeforeshespoke,her

unblinkingstare.OrwasI

seeingwhatIwantedtosee?

Shegazedoutofthewindow

atthestreetbelow.

‘Lily,beforewegoon

there’ssomethingIneedto–’

‘Iknowhe’sdead,’she

said.Sheinhaledsharplyand

blewthesmokeintothe

centreoftheroom.‘Imean,

thatwashowIfoundout.

Therewassomedocumentary

ontelevisionaboutassisted

suicideandtheymentioned

hisnameandMumtotally

freakedoutfornoreasonand

rantothebathroomand

Fuckfacewentafterherso

obviouslyIlistenedoutside.

Andshewasintotalshock

becauseshehadn’teven

knownthathe’dendedupin

awheelchair.Iheardthe

wholething.Imean,it’snot

likeIdidn’tknowFuckface

wasn’tmyrealdad.It’sjust

thatmymumonlyeversaid

myrealdadwasanasshole

whodidn’twanttoknow

me.’

‘Willwasn’tanasshole.’

Sheshrugged.‘Hesounded

likeone.But,anyway,whenI

triedtoaskherquestionsshe

juststartedtotallyflipping

outandsaidthatIknew

everythingabouthimthatI

neededtoknowandFuckface

Francishadbeenabetterdad

tomethanWillTraynorever

wouldhavebeenandIreally

shouldleaveitalone.’

Isippedmywater.Ihad

neverwantedaglassofwine

more.‘Sowhatdidyoudo?’

Shetookanotherdragof

hercigarette.‘IGoogledhim,

ofcourse.AndIfoundyou.’

Ineededtobealonetodigest

whatshehadtoldme.Itwas

toooverwhelming.Ididn’t

knowwhattomakeofthe

spikygirl,whowalked

aroundmylivingroom,

makingtheairaroundher

crackle.

‘Sodidhenotsayanything

aboutmeatall?’

Iwasstaringathershoes:

ballerinapumps,heavily

scuffedasiftheyhadspent

toomuchtimeshuffling

aroundLondonstreets.Ifelt

asifIwasbeingreeledin.

‘Howoldareyou,Lily?’

‘Sixteen.DoIatleastlook

likehim?Isawapictureon

Googleimages,butIwas

thinkingmaybeyouhada

photograph.’Shegazed

aroundthelivingroom.‘Are

allyourphotographsin

boxes?’

Sheeyedthecardboard

cratesinthecorner,andI

wonderedwhethershewould

actuallyopenthemandstart

goingthroughthem.Iwas

prettysuretheoneshewas

abouttogointocontained

Will’sjumper.AndIfelta

suddenpanic.‘Um.Lily.This

isall…quitealottotakein.

Andifyouarewhoyousay

youare,thenwe–wedo

havealottodiscuss.Butit’s

nearlyeleveno’clock,and

I’mnotsurethisisthetimeto

start.Wheredoyoulive?’

‘StJohn’sWood.’

‘Well.Uh.Yourparents

aregoingtobewondering

whereyouare.Whydon’tI

giveyoumynumberandwe

–’

‘Ican’tgohome.’She

facedthewindow,flickedthe

ashoutwithapractised

finger.‘Strictlyspeaking,I’m

notevenmeanttobehere.

I’mmeanttobeatschool.

Weeklyboarding.They’llall

befreakingoutnowbecause

I’mnotthere.’Shepulledout

herphone,asanafterthought,

andgrimacedatwhatevershe

sawonitsscreen,then

shoveditbackinherpocket.

‘Well,I’m…notsure

whatIcandootherthan–’

‘IthoughtmaybeIcould

stayhere?Justtonight?And

thenyoucouldtellmesome

morestuffabouthim?’

‘Stayhere?No.No.I’m

sorry,youcan’t.Idon’tknow

you.’

‘Butyoudidknowmydad.

Didyousayyouthinkhe

didn’tactuallyknowabout

me?’

‘Youneedtogohome.

Look,let’scallyourparents.

Theycancomeandcollect

you.Let’sdothatandI–’

Shestaredatme.‘Ithought

you’dhelpme.’

‘Iwillhelpyou,Lily.But

thisisn’tthewayto–’

‘Youdon’tbelieveme,do

you?’

‘I–Ihavenoideawhatto

–’

‘Youdon’twanttohelp.

Youdon’twanttodo

anything.Whathaveyou

actuallytoldmeaboutmy

dad?Nothing.Howhaveyou

actuallyhelped?Youhaven’t.

Thanks.’

‘Holdon!That’snotfair–

we’veonlyjust–’

Butthegirlflickedher

cigarettebuttoutofthe

windowandturnedtowalk

pastmeoutoftheroom.

‘What?Whereareyou

going?’

‘Oh,whatdoyoucare?’

shesaid,andbeforeIcould

sayanythingmore,thefront

doorhadslammedandshe

wasgone.

Isatverystillonmysofa,

tryingtodigestwhathadjust

happenedforthebestpartof

anhour,Lily’svoiceringing

inmyears.HadIheardher

correctly?Iwentoverand

overwhatshehadtoldme,

tryingtorecallitthroughthe

buzzinmyears.

MyfatherwasWill

Traynor.

Lily’smotherhad

apparentlytoldherWillhad

notwantedanythingtodo

withher.Butsurelyhewould

havementionedsomethingto

me.Wehadnosecretsfrom

eachother.Weren’twethe

twopeoplewhohadmanaged

totalkabouteverything?For

amomentIwobbled:had

Willnotbeenashonestwith

measI’dbelieved?Hadhe

actuallypossessedtheability

simplytoairbrushanentire

daughteroutofhis

conscience?

Mythoughtswerechasing

eachotherincircles.I

grabbedmylaptop,satcross-

leggedonthesofaandtyped

‘LilyHawtonMiller’intoa

searchengine,andwhenthat

cameupwithnoresults,I

triedagainwithvarious

spellings,settlingon‘Lily

Houghton-Miller’,which

broughtupanumberof

hockey-fixtureresultsposted

byaschoolcalledUpton

TiltoninShropshire.Icalled

upsomeoftheimages,andas

Izoomedin,thereshewas,

anunsmilinggirlinarowof

smilinghockeyplayers.Lily

Houghton-Millerplayeda

brave,ifunsuccessful

defence.Itwasdatedtwo

yearsago.Boarding-school.

She’dsaidshewasmeantto

beatboarding-school.Butit

stilldidn’tmeanshewasany

relationofWillor,indeed,

thathermotherhadbeen

tellingthetruthabouther

parentage.

Ialteredthesearchtojust

thewords‘Houghton-Miller’,

whichbroughtupashort

diaryitemaboutFrancisand

TanyaHoughton-Miller

attendingabankingdinnerat

theSavoy,andaplanning

applicationfromtheprevious

yearforawinecellarundera

houseinStJohn’sWood.

Isatback,thinking,then

didasearchon‘Tanya

Miller’and‘William

Traynor’.Itturnedup

nothing.Itriedagain,using

‘WillTraynor’,andsuddenly

IwasonaFacebookthread

foralumniofDurham

University,onwhichseveral

women,allofwhosenames

seemedtoendin‘-ella’–

Estella,Fenella,Arabella–

werediscussingWill’sdeath.

Icouldn’tbelieveitwhenIheard

itonthenews.Himofall

people!RIPWill.

Nobodygetsthroughlife

unscathed.YouknowRory

AppletondiedintheTurksand

Caicos,inaspeed-boating

accident?

Didn’thedogeography?Red

hair?

No,PPE.

I’msureIsnoggedRoryatthe

Freshers’Ball.Enormous

tongue.

I’mnotbeingfunny,Fenella,but

that’sratherbadtaste.The

poormanisdead.

Wasn’tWillTraynortheone

whowentoutwithTanya

Millerforthewholeofthe

thirdyear?

Idon’tseehowit’sinpoortaste

tomentionthatImayhave

kissedsomeonejustbecause

theythenwentontopass

away.

I’mnotsayingyouhaveto

rewritehistory.It’sjusthis

wifemightbereadingthisand

shemightnotwanttoknow

thatherbelovedstuckhis

tongueinthefaceofsomegirl

onFacebook.

I’msuresheknowshistongue

wasenormous.Imean,she

marriedhim.

RoryAppletongotmarried?

Tanyamarriedsomebanker.

Here’salink.Ialwaysthought

sheandWillwouldget

marriedwhenwewereatuni.

Theyweresogorgeous.

Iclickedonthelink,which

showedapictureofareed-

thinblondewomanwithan

artfullytousledchignon

smilingasshestoodonthe

stepsofaregisterofficewith

anolder,dark-hairedman.A

shortdistanceaway,atthe

edgeofthepicture,ayoung

girlinawhitetulledresswas

scowling.Sheboreadefinite

resemblancetotheLily

Houghton-MillerIhadmet.

Buttheimagewasseven

yearsold,andintruthitcould

haveportrayedanygrumpy

youngbridesmaidwithlong

mid-brownhair.

Irereadthethread,and

closedmylaptop.What

shouldIdo?Ifshereallywas

Will’sdaughter,shouldIcall

theschool?Iwasprettysure

therewererulesabout

strangerswhotriedtocontact

teenagegirls.

Andwhatifthisreallywas

someelaboratescam?Will

haddiedawealthyman.It

wasn’tbeyondtherealmof

possibilitythatsomebody

couldthinkupanintricate

schemebywhichtoleach

moneyfromhisfamily.When

Dad’smateChalkydiedofa

heartattack,seventeenpeople

hadturnedupatthewake

tellinghiswifeheowedthem

bettingmoney.

Iwouldsteerclear,I

decided.Therewastoomuch

potentialforpainand

disruptionifIgotthiswrong.

ButwhenIwenttobedit

wasLily’svoiceIheard,

echoingintothesilentflat.

WillTraynorwasmy

father.

C H A P T E R S I X

‘Sorry.Myalarmdidn’tgo

off.’IrushedpastRichard

andhungmycoatonthepeg,

pullingmysyntheticskirt

downovermythighs.

‘Three-quartersofanhour

late.Thisisnotacceptable.’

Itwaseightthirtya.m.We

were,Inoted,theonlytwo

peopleinthebar.

Carlyhadleft:shehadn’t

evenbotheredtellingRichard

tohisface.Shesimplysenta

textmessagetellinghimshe

woulddropthesodding

uniforminattheendofthe

week,andthatasshewas

owedtwoweeks’sodding

holidaypayshewastaking

hersoddingnoticeinlieu.If

shehadbotheredtoreadthe

employmenthandbook,he

hadfumed,shewouldhave

knownthattakingnoticein

lieuofholidaywas

completelyunacceptable.It

wasthereinSectionThree,as

clearasday,ifshehadcared

tolook.Andthesodding

languagewassimply

unnecessary.

Hewasnowgoingthrough

thedueprocessestofinda

replacement.Whichmeant

thatuntildueprocesseswere

completeditwasjustme.

AndRichard.

‘I’msorry.Something…

cameupathome.’

Ihadwokenwithastartat

seventhirty,unablefor

severalminutestorecallwhat

countryIwasinorwhatmy

namewas,andhadlainon

mybed,unabletomove,

whileImulledoverthe

previousevening’sevents.

‘Agoodworkerdoesn’t

bringtheirhomelifetothe

workplacewiththem,’

Richardintoned,ashepushed

pastmewithhisclipboard.I

watchedhimgo,wonderingif

heevenhadahomelife.He

neverseemedtospendany

timethere.

‘Yeah.Well.Agood

employerdoesn’tmakehis

employeewearauniform

Stringfellow’swouldhave

rejectedastacky,’Imuttered,

asItappedmycodeintothe

till,pullingthehemofmy

Lurexskirtdownwithmy

freehand.

Heturnedswiftly,and

walkedbackacrossthebar.

‘Whatdidyousay?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Yes,youdid.’

‘IsaidI’llrememberthat

fornexttime.Thankyouvery

muchforremindingme.’

Ismiledsweetlyathim.

Helookedatmeforseveral

secondslongerthanwas

comfortableforeitherofus.

Andthenhesaid,‘The

cleanerisoffsickagain.

You’llneedtodotheGents

beforeyoustartonthebar.’

Hisgazewassteady,

daringmetosaysomething.I

remindedmyselfthatIcould

notaffordtolosethisjob.I

swallowed.‘Right.’

‘Oh,andcubiclethree’sa

bitofamess.’

‘Jollygood,’Isaid.

Heturnedonhishighly

polishedheelandwalked

backintotheoffice.Isent

mentalvoodooarrowsinto

thebackofhisheadthe

wholeway.

‘Thisweek’sMovingOn

Circleisaboutguilt,

survivor’sguilt,guiltthatwe

didn’tdoenough…It’soften

thisthatkeepsusfrom

movingforward.’

Marcwaitedaswehanded

aroundthebiscuittin,then

leanedforwardonhisplastic

chair,hishandsclaspedin

frontofhim.Heignoredthe

lowrumblingofdiscontent

thattherewerenobourbon

creams.

‘Iusedtogeteverso

impatientwithJilly,’Fred

said,intothesilence.‘When

shehadthedementia,Imean.

Shewouldputdirtyplates

backinthekitchencupboards

andIwouldfindthemdays

laterand…I’mashamedto

say,Ididshoutathera

coupleoftimes.’Hewipedat

aneye.‘Shewassucha

houseproudwoman,before.

Thatwastheworstthing.’

‘YoulivedwithJilly’s

dementiaforalongtime,

Fred.You’dhavetohave

beensuperhumannottofind

itastrain.’

‘Dirtyplateswoulddrive

memad,’saidDaphne.‘I

thinkIwouldhaveshouted

somethingterrible.’

‘Butitwasn’therfault,

wasit?’Fredstraightenedon

hischair.‘Ithinkaboutthose

platesalot.IwishIcouldgo

back.I’dwashthemup

withoutsayingaword.Just

giveheranicecuddle

instead.’

‘Ifindmyselffantasizing

aboutmenonthetube,’said

Natasha.‘Sometimeswhen

I’mridingupanescalator,I

exchangealookwithsome

randommangoingdown.

AndbeforeI’veevengotto

theplatformI’mbuildinga

wholerelationshipwithhim

inmyhead.Youknow,where

herunsbackdownthe

escalatorbecausehejust

knowsthere’ssomething

magicalbetweenus,andwe

standthere,gazingateach

other,amidthecrowdsof

commutersonthePiccadilly

Line,andthenwegofora

drink,andbeforeyouknow

it,we’re–’

‘SoundslikeaRichard

Curtismovie,’saidWilliam.

‘IlikeRichardCurtis

movies,’saidSunil.

‘Especiallythatoneaboutthe

actressandthemaninhis

pants.’

‘Shepherd’sBush,’said

Daphne.

Therewasashortpause.‘I

thinkit’sNottingHill,

Daphne,’Marcsaid.

‘IpreferredDaphne’s

version.What?’saidWilliam,

snorting.‘We’renotallowed

tolaughnow?’

‘Soinmyheadwe’re

gettingmarried,’said

Natasha.‘Andthenwhen

we’restandingatthealtar,I

think,WhatamIdoing?Olaf

onlydiedthreeyearsagoand

I’mfantasizingaboutother

men.’

Marcleanedbackinhis

chair.‘Youdon’tthinkthat’s

natural,afterthreeyearsby

yourself?Tofantasizeabout

otherrelationships?’

‘ButifIhadreallyloved

Olaf,surelyIwouldn’tthink

aboutanyoneelse.’

‘It’snottheVictorianage,’

saidWilliam.‘Youdon’t

havetowearwidow’sweeds

tillyou’reelderly.’

‘Ifitwasmethatdied,I’d

hatethethoughtofOlaf

fallinginlovewithsomeone

else.’

‘Youwouldn’tknow,’said

William.‘You’dbedead.’

‘Whataboutyou,Louisa?’

Marchadnoticedmysilence.

‘Doyousufferfeelingsof

guilt?’

‘Canwe–canwedo

someoneelse?’

‘I’mCatholic,’said

Daphne.‘Ifeelguiltyabout

everything.It’sthenuns,you

know.’

‘Whatdoyoufinddifficult

aboutthissubject,Louisa?’

Itookaswigofcoffee.I

felteveryone’seyesonme.

Comeon,Itoldmyself.I

swallowed.‘ThatIcouldn’t

stophim,’Isaid.‘Sometimes

IthinkifIhadbeensmarter,

or…handledthings

differently…orjustbeen

more–Idon’tknow.More

anything.’

‘Youfeelguiltyabout

Bill’sdeathbecauseyoufeel

youcouldhavestoppedhim?’

Ipulledatathread.When

itcameawayinmyhandit

seemedtoloosensomething

inmybrain.‘AlsothatI’m

livingalifethatissomuch

lessthantheoneIpromised

himI’dlive.Andguiltover

thefactthathebasicallypaid

formyflatwhenmysister

willprobablyneverbeableto

affordoneofherown.And

guiltthatIdon’tevenreally

likelivinginit,becauseit

doesn’tfeellikemine,andit

feelswrongtomakeitnice

becauseallIassociateitwith

isthefactthatW—Billis

deadandsomehowI

benefitedfromthat.’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘Youshouldn’tfeelguilty

aboutproperty,’saidDaphne.

‘Iwishsomeonewould

leavemeaflat,’saidSunil.

‘Butthat’sjustafairytale

ending,isn’tit?Mandies,

everyonelearnssomething,

moveson,createssomething

wonderfuloutofhisdeath.’I

wasspeakingwithout

thinkingnow.‘I’vedone

noneofthosethings.I’ve

basicallyjustfailedatallof

it.’

‘Mydadcriesnearlyevery

timeheshagssomeonewho

isn’tmymum,’Jakeblurted,

twistinghishandstogether.

Hestaredoutfromunderhis

fringe.‘Hecharmswomen

intosleepingwithhimand

thenhegetsoffonbeingsad

aboutit.It’slikeaslongashe

feelsguiltyaboutit

afterwardsit’sokay.’

‘Youthinkheuseshisguilt

asacrutch.’

‘Ijustthinkeitheryouhave

sexandfeelgladthatyou’re

havingallthesex–’

‘Iwouldn’tfeelguilty

abouthavingallthesex,’said

Fred.

‘Oryoutreatwomenlike

humanbeingsandmakesure

youdon’thaveanythingto

feelguiltyabout.Ordon’t

evensleepwithanyone,and

treasureMum’smemoryuntil

you’reactuallyreadytomove

on.’

Hisvoicebrokeon

treasureandhisjawtautened.

Wewereused,bythen,tothe

suddenstiffeningof

expressions,andanunspoken

groupcourtesymeantthatwe

eachlookedawayuntilany

potentialtearssubsided.

Marc’svoicewasgentle.

‘Haveyoutoldyourfather

howyoufeel,Jake?’

‘Wedon’ttalkaboutMum.

He’sfineaslongas,you

know,wedon’tactually

mentionher.’

‘That’squiteaburdenfor

youtocarryalone.’

‘Yeah.Well…That’swhy

I’mhere,isn’tit?’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘Haveabiscuit,Jake

darling,’saidDaphne,andwe

passedthetinbackaroundthe

circle,vaguelyreassured,in

somewaynobodycouldquite

define,whenJakefinallytook

one.

IkeptthinkingaboutLily.

IbarelyregisteredSunil’stale

ofweepinginthebaked-

goodssectionofthe

supermarket,andjustabout

raisedasympathetic

expressionforFred’ssolitary

markingofJilly’sbirthday

withabunchoffoilballoons.

Fordaysnowthewhole

episodewithLilyhadtaken

onthetenorofadream,vivid

andsurreal.

HowcouldWillhavehada

daughter?

‘Youlookhappy.’

Jake’sfatherwasleaning

againsthismotorbikeasI

walkedacrossthechurch

hall’scarpark.

Istoppedinfrontofhim.

‘It’sagrief-counselling

session.I’mhardlygoingto

comeouttap-dancing.’

‘Fairpoint.’

‘It’snotwhatyouthink.I

mean,it’snotme,’Isaid.

‘It’s…todowitha

teenager.’

Hetippedhishead

backwards,spyingJake

behindme.‘Oh.Right.Well,

youhavemysympathies

there.Youlookyoungto

haveateenager,ifyoudon’t

mindmesaying.’

‘Oh.No.Notmine!It’s…

complicated.’

‘I’dlovetogiveyou

advice.ButIdon’thavea

clue.’Hesteppedforwardand

envelopedJakeinahug,

whichtheboytolerated

glumly.‘Youallright,young

man?’

‘Fine.’

‘Fine,’Samsaid,glancing

sidewaysatme.‘Thereyou

go.Universalresponseofall

teenagerstoeverything.War,

famine,lotterywins,global

fame.It’sallfine.’

‘Youdidn’tneedtopick

meup.I’mgoingtoJools’s.’

‘Youwantalift?’

‘Shelives,like,there.In

thatblock.’Jakepointed.‘I

thinkIcanmanagethatby

myself.’

Sam’sexpressionremained

even.‘So,maybetextme

nexttime?Savemecoming

hereandwaiting?’

Jakeshrugged,andwalked

off,hisrucksackslungover

hisshoulder.Wewatched

himgoinsilence.

‘I’llseeyoulater,yes,

Jake?’

Jakeliftedahandwithout

lookingback.

‘Okay,’Isaid.‘SonowI

feelatinybitbetter.’

Samgavetheslightest

shakeofhishead.He

watchedhissongo,asif,

evennow,hecouldn’tbearto

justleavehim.‘Somedayshe

feelsitharderthanothers.’

Andthenheturnedtome.

‘Youwanttograbacoffeeor

something,Louisa?JustsoI

don’thavetofeellikethe

world’sbiggestloser?Itis

Louisa,right?’

IthoughtofwhatJakehad

saidinthatevening’ssession.

OnFridayDadbroughthome

thispsychoblondecalled

Magswhoisobsessedwith

him.Whenhewasinthe

showershekeptaskingmeif

hetalkedaboutherwhenshe

wasn’tthere.

Thecompulsiveshagger.

Buthewasniceenough,and

hehadhelpedputmeback

togetherintheambulance,

andthealternativewas

anothernightathome

wonderingwhathadbeen

goingoninLilyHoughton-

Miller’shead.‘Ifwecantalk

aboutanythingbut

teenagers.’

‘Canwetalkaboutyour

outfit?’

Ilookeddownatmygreen

LurexskirtandmyIrish

dancingshoes.‘Absolutely

not.’

‘Itwasworthatry,’he

said,andclimbedontohis

motorbike.

Wesatoutsideanear-empty

barashortdistancefrommy

flat.Hedrankblackcoffee,

andIhadfruitjuice.

Ihadtimetostudyhim

surreptitiouslynowthatI

wasn’tdodgingcarsinacar

parkorlyingstrappedtoa

hospitalgurney.Hisnose

heldatell-taleridge,andhis

eyescrinkledinawaythat

suggestedtherewasalmost

nohumanbehaviourhe

hadn’tseenand,perhaps,

beenslightlyamusedby.He

wastallandbroad,his

featurescoarserthanWill’s

somehow,yethemovedwith

akindofgentleeconomy,as

ifhehadabsorbedtheeffort

ofnotdamagingthingsjust

fromhissize.Hewas

evidentlymorecomfortable

withlisteningthantalking,or

perhapsitwasjustthatitwas

unsettlingtobeonmyown

withamanaftersomuch

timebecauseIfoundIwas

gabbling.Italkedaboutmy

jobatthebar,makinghim

laughaboutRichardPercival

andthehorrorsofmyoutfit,

andhowstrangeithadbeen

tolivebrieflyathomeagain,

andmyfather’sbadjokes,

andGranddadandhis

doughnuts,andmynephew’s

unorthodoxuseofablue

markerpen.ButIwas

consciousasIspoke,asso

oftenthesedays,ofhow

muchIdidn’tsay:aboutWill,

aboutthesurrealthingthat

hadhappenedtomethe

previousevening,aboutme.

WithWillIhadneverhadto

considerwhatIsaid:talking

tohimwasaseffortlessas

breathing.NowIwasgoodat

notreallysayinganything

aboutmyselfatall.

Hejustsat,andnodded,

watchedthetrafficgobyand

sippedhiscoffee,asifitwere

perfectlynormalforhimtobe

passingthetimewitha

feverishlychattingstrangerin

agreenLurexmini-skirt.

‘So,how’sthehip?’he

asked,whenfinallyIground

toahalt.

‘Notbad.I’dquiteliketo

stoplimping,though.’

‘You’llgetthere,ifyou

keepupthephysio.’Fora

moment,Icouldhearthat

voicefromthebackofthe

ambulance.Calm,unfazed,

reassuring.‘Theother

injuries?’

Ipeereddownatmyself,as

ifIcouldseethroughwhatI

waswearing.‘Well,other

thanthefactthatIlooklike

someone’sdrawnalloverbits

ofmewithaparticularly

vividredpen,notbad.’

Samnodded.‘Youwere

lucky.Thatwasquiteafall.’

Andthereitwasagain.The

sicklurchinmystomach.

Theairbeneathmyfeet.You

neverknowwhatwillhappen

whenyoufallfromagreat

height.‘Iwasn’ttryingto–’

‘Yousaid.’

‘ButI’mnotsureanyone

believesme.’

Weexchangedanawkward

smileandforaminuteI

wonderedifhedidn’teither.

‘So…doyoupickup

manypeoplewhofalloffthe

topsofbuildings?’

Heshookhishead,gazed

outacrosstheroad.‘Ijust

pickupthepieces.I’mglad

that,inyourcase,thepieces

fittedbacktogether.’

Wesatinsilencefora

whilelonger.Ikeptthinking

aboutthingsIshouldsay,but

Iwassooutofpracticeat

beingalonewithaman–

whilesoberatleast–thatI

keptlosingmynerve,my

mouthopeningandclosing

likethatofagoldfish.

‘Soyouwanttotellme

abouttheteenager?’Sam

said.

Itwasarelieftoexplainit

tosomeone.Itoldhimabout

thelate-nightknockatthe

door,andourbizarremeeting

andwhatIhadfoundon

Facebook,andthewayshe

hadrunawaybeforeI’dhada

chancetoworkoutwhaton

earthtodo.

‘Whoa,’hesaidwhenI’d

finished.‘That’s…’Hegave

alittleshakeofhishead.

‘Youthinksheiswhoshe

sayssheis?’

‘Shedoeslookabitlike

him.ButIdon’thonestly

know.AmIlookingfor

signs?AmIseeingwhatI

wanttosee?It’spossible.I

spendhalfmytimethinking

howamazingthatthere’s

somethingofhimleftbehind,

andtheotherhalfwondering

ifI’mbeingacomplete

sucker.Andthenthere’sthis

wholeextralayerofstuffin

themiddle–likeifthisishis

daughterthenhowisitfair

thatheneverevengottomeet

her?Andhowarehisparents

supposedtocopewithit?

Andwhatifmeetingher

wouldactuallyhavechanged

hismind?Whatifthatwould

havebeenthethingthat

convincedhim…’Myvoice

tailedaway.

Samleanedbackinhis

chair,hisbrowfurrowed.

‘Andthismanwouldbethe

reasonyou’reattendingthe

group.’

‘Yes.’

Icouldfeelhimstudying

me,perhapsreassessingwhat

Willhadmeanttome.

‘Idon’tknowwhattodo,’

Isaid.‘Idon’tknowwhether

toseekherout,orwhetherI

shouldjustleavewellenough

alone.’

Helookedoutatthecity

street,thinking.Andthenhe

said:‘Well,whatwouldhe

havedone?’

Andjustlikethat,I

faltered.Igazedupatthatbig

manwithhisdirectgaze,his

two-daystubble,andhiskind,

capablehands.Andallmy

thoughtsevaporated.

‘Youokay?’

Itookadeepgulpofmy

drink,tryingtohidewhatI

feltwaswrittenclearlyonmy

face.Suddenly,fornoreason

Icouldworkout,Iwantedto

cry.Itwastoomuch.That

odd,unbalancingnight.The

factthatWillhadloomedup

again,ever-presentinevery

conversation.Icouldseehis

facesuddenly,thatsardonic

eyebrowraised,asiftosay,

Whatonearthareyouupto

now,Clark?

‘Just…alongday.

Actually,wouldyoumindifI

–’

Sampushedhischairback,

stoodup.‘No.No,yougo.

Sorry.Ididn’tthink–’

‘Thishasbeenreallynice.

It’sjust–’

‘Noproblem.Alongday.

Andthewholegriefthing.I

getit.No,no–don’tworry,’

hesaid,asIreachedformy

purse.‘Really.Icanstand

youanorangejuice.’

IthinkImighthaverunto

mycar,inspiteofmylimp.I

felthiseyesonmethewhole

way.

Ipulledupinthecarpark,

andletoutabreathIfeltasif

I’dbeenholdingalltheway

fromthebar.Iglancedover

atthecornershop,thenback

atmyflat,anddecidedI

didn’twanttobesensible.I

wantedwine,severallarge

glassesofit,untilIcould

persuademyselftostop

lookingbackwards.Ormaybe

notlookatanythingatall.

MyhipachedasIclimbed

outofthecar.SinceRichard

hadarrived,ithurtconstantly;

thephysioatthehospitalhad

toldmenottospendtoo

muchtimeonmyfeet.But

thethoughtofsayingasmuch

toRichardfilledmewith

dread.

Isee.Soyouworkinabar

butyouwanttobeallowedto

sitdownallday,isthatit?

Thatmilk-fed,preparing-

for-middle-managementface;

thatcarefullynondescript

haircut.Thatairofweary

superiority,eventhoughhe

wasbarelytwoyearsolder

thanme.Iclosedmyeyes,

andtriedtomaketheknotof

anxietyinmystomach

disappear.

‘Justthis,please,’Isaid,

placingabottleofcold

SauvignonBlanconthe

counter.

‘Party,isit?’

‘What?’

‘Fancydress.Yougoingas

–Don’ttellme.’Samir

strokedhischin.‘Snow

White?’

‘Sure,’Isaid.

‘Youwanttobecareful

withthat.Emptycalories,

innit?Youwanttodrink

vodka.That’sacleandrink.

Maybeabitoflemon.That’s

whatItellGinny,acrossthe

road.Youknowshe’salap-

dancer,right?Theygotto

watchtheirfigures.’

‘Dietaryadvice.Nice.’

‘It’slikeallthisstuffabout

sugar.Yougottowatchthe

sugar.Nopointbuyingthe

low-fatstuffifit’sfullof

sugar,right?There’syour

emptycalories.Rightthere.

Andthemchemicalsugars

aretheworst.Theystickto

yourgut.’

Herangupthewine,

handedmemychange.

‘What’sthatyou’reeating,

Samir?’

‘SmokyBaconPotNoodle.

It’sgood,man.’

Iwaslostinthought–

somewhereinthedark

crevassebetweenmysore

pelvis,existentialjob-related

despair,andaweirdcraving

foraSmokyBaconPot

Noodle–whenIsawher.She

wasinthedoorwayofmy

block,sittingontheground,

herarmswrappedaroundher

knees.Itookmychangefrom

Samir,andhalfwalked,half

ranacrosstheroad.‘Lily?’

Shelookedupslowly.

Hervoicewasslurred,her

eyesbloodshot,asifshehad

beencrying.‘Nobodywould

letmein.Irangallthebells

butnobodywouldletmein.’

Iwrestledthekeyintothe

doorandproppeditwithmy

bag,crouchingdownbeside

her.‘Whathappened?’

‘Ijustwanttogotosleep,’

shesaid,rubbinghereyes.

‘I’mso,sotired.Iwantedto

getataxihomebutIhadn’t

gotanymoney.’

Icaughtthesourwhiffof

alcohol.‘Areyoudrunk?’

‘Idon’tknow.’Sheblinked

atme,tiltingherhead.I

wonderedthenifitwasjust

alcohol.‘IfI’mnot,you’ve

totallyturnedintoa

leprechaun.’Shepattedher

pockets.‘Oh,look–look

whatI’vegot!’Sheheldupa

half-smokedroll-upthateven

Icouldsmellwasnotjust

tobacco.‘Let’shaveasmoke,

Lily,’shesaid.‘Oh,no.

You’reLouisa.I’mLily.’She

giggledand,pullingalighter

clumsilyfromherpocket,

promptlytriedtolightthe

wrongend.

‘Okay,you.Timetogo

home.’Itookitfromher

hand,and,ignoringhervague

protests,squasheditfirmly

undermyfoot.‘I’llcallyoua

taxi.’

‘ButIdon’t–’

‘Lily!’

Iglancedup.Ayoungman

stoodacrossthestreet,his

handsinhisjeanspockets,

watchingussteadily.Lily

lookedupathimandthen

away.

‘Whoisthat?’Isaid.

Shestaredatherfeet.

‘Lily.Comehere.’His

voiceheldthesuretyof

possession.Hestood,legs

slightlyapart,asifevenat

thatdistanceheexpectedher

toobeyhim.Somethingmade

meinstantlyuneasy.

Nobodymoved.

‘Isheyourboyfriend?Do

youwanttotalktohim?’I

saidquietly.

ThefirsttimeshespokeI

couldn’tmakeoutwhatshe

said.Ihadtoleancloserand

askhertorepeatherself.

‘Makehimgoaway.’She

closedhereyes,andturned

herfacetowardsthedoor.

‘Please.’

Hebegantowalkacross

thestreettowardsus.Istood,

andtriedtomakemyvoice

soundasauthoritativeas

possible.‘Youcangonow,

thanks.Lily’scominginside

withme.’

Hestoppedhalfwayacross

theroad.

Iheldhisgaze.‘Youcan

speaktohersomeothertime.

Okay?’

Ihadmyhandonthe

buzzer,andnowmutteredat

someimaginary,muscular,

short-temperedboyfriend.

‘Yeah.Doyouwanttocome

downandgivemeahand,

Dave?Thanks.’

Theyoungman’s

expressionsuggestedthiswas

notthelastofit.Thenhe

turned,pulledhisphonefrom

hispocketandbeganalow,

urgentconversationwith

someoneashewalkedaway,

ignoringthebeepingtaxithat

hadtoswervearoundhim,

andcastingusonlythe

briefestofbackwardslooks.

Isighed,alittlemore

shakilythanI’dexpected,put

myhandsunderherarmpits

and,withnotverymuch

eleganceandafairamountof

muffledswearing,managed

tohaulLilyHoughton-Miller

intothelobby.

Thatnightshesleptatmy

flat.Icouldn’tthinkwhatelse

todowithher.Shewassick

twiceinthebathroom,batting

meawaywhenItriedtohold

herhairupforher.She

refusedtogivemeahome

phonenumber,ormaybe

couldn’trememberit,andher

mobilephonewaspin-locked.

Icleanedherup,helped

herintoapairofmyjogging

bottomsandaT-shirt,andled

herintothelivingroom.‘You

tidiedup!’shesaid,witha

littleexclamation,asifIhad

doneitjustforher.Imade

herdrinkaglassofwaterand

putheronthesofainthe

recoveryposition,even

thoughIwasprettysureby

thenthattherewasnothing

leftinsidehertocomeout.

AsIliftedherheadand

placeditonthepillow,she

openedhereyes,asif

recognizingmeproperlyfor

thefirsttime.‘Sorry.’She

spokesoquietlythat,fora

moment,Icouldn’tbe

entirelysurethatthatwas

whatshehadsaid,andher

eyesbrimmedbrieflywith

tears.

Icoveredherwitha

blanketandwatchedheras

shefellasleep–herpaleface,

theblueshadowsunderher

eyes,theeyebrowsthat

followedthesamecurvethat

Will’shad,thesamefaint

sprinklingoffreckles.

AlmostasanafterthoughtI

lockedtheflatdoorand

broughtthekeysintomy

bedroomwithme,tucking

themundermypillowtostop

herstealinganything,or

simplytostopherleaving,I

wasn’tsure.Ilayawake,my

mindstillbusywiththesound

ofthesirensandtheairport

andthefacesofthegrieving

inthechurchhallandthe

hard,knowingstareofthe

youngmanacrosstheroad,

andtheknowledgethatIhad

someonewhowasessentially

astrangersleepingundermy

roof.Andallthewhilea

voicekeptsaying:Whaton

earthareyoudoing?

ButwhatelsecouldIhave

done?Finally,sometime

afterthebirdsstartedsinging,

andthebakeryvanunloaded

itsmorningdelivery

downstairs,mythoughts

slowed,andstilled,andIfell

asleep.

C H A P T E R S E V E N

Icouldsmellcoffee.Ittook

meseveralsecondsto

considerwhythesmellof

coffeemightbefiltering

throughmyflat,andwhenthe

answerregisteredIsatbolt

uprightandleapedoutofbed,

haulingmyhoodieovermy

head.

Shewascross-leggedon

thesofa,smoking,usingmy

onegoodmugasanashtray.

Thetelevisionwason–some

manicchildren’sconfection

ofbrightlyclad,gurning

presenters–andtwo

Styrofoamcupssatonthe

mantelpiece.

‘Oh,hi.Thatoneonthe

right’syours,’shesaid,

turningbrieflytowardsme.‘I

didn’tknowwhatyouliked

soIgotyouanAmericano.’

Iblinked,wrinklingmy

noseagainstthecigarette

smoke.Icrossedtheroom

andopenedawindow.I

lookedattheclock.‘Isthat

thetime?’

‘Yeah.Thecoffeemightbe

abitcold.Didn’tknow

whethertowakeyou.’

‘It’smydayoff,’Isaid,

reachingforthecoffee.Itwas

warmenough.Itookaslug

gratefully.ThenIstaredat

thecup.‘Hangon.Howdid

yougetthese?Ilockedthe

frontdoor.’

‘Iwentdownthefire

escape,’shesaid.‘Ididn’t

haveanymoneysoItoldthe

guyatthebakerywhoseflat

itwasandhesaidyoucould

bringitinlater.Oh,andyou

alsoowehimfortwobagels

withsmokedsalmonand

creamcheese.’

‘Ido?’Iwantedtobe

cross,butIwassuddenly

reallyhungry.

Shefollowedmygaze.

‘Oh.Iatethose.’Sheblewa

smokeringintothecentreof

theroom.‘Youdidn’thave

anythingmuchinyourfridge.

Youreallydoneedtosort

thisplaceout.’

TheLilyofthismorning

wassuchadifferentcharacter

fromthegirlIhadpickedoff

thestreetlastnightthatitwas

hardtobelievetheywerethe

sameperson.Iwalkedback

intothebedroomtoget

dressed,listeningtoher

watchingtelevision,padding

intothekitchentofetch

herselfadrink.

‘Hey,thingy…Louise.

Couldyoulendmesome

money?’shecalledout.

‘Ifit’stogetoffyourface

again,no.’

Shewalkedintomy

bedroomwithoutknocking.I

pulledmysweatshirtupto

mychest.‘AndcanIstay

tonight?’

‘Ineedtotalktoyour

mum,Lily.’

‘Whatfor?’

‘Ineedtoknowalittlebit

moreaboutwhat’sactually

goingonhere.’

Shestoodinthedoorway.

‘Soyoudon’tbelieveme.’

Igesturedtohertoturn

around,soIcouldfinish

puttingmybraon.‘Ido

believeyou.Butthat’sthe

deal.Youwantsomething

fromme,Ineedtoknowabit

moreaboutyoufirst.’

JustasIpulledmyT-shirt

overmyhead,sheturned

backagain.‘Suityourself.I

needtopickupsomemore

clothesanyway.’

‘Why?Wherehaveyou

beenstaying?’

Shewalkedawayfromme,

asifshehadn’theard,

sniffingherarmpit.‘CanI

useyourshower?Iabsolutely

reek.’

Anhourlater,wedrovetoSt

John’sWood.Iwas

exhausted,bothbythenight’s

eventsandthestrangeenergy

Lilygaveoffbesideme.She

fidgetedconstantly,smoked

endlesscigarettes,thensatin

asilencesoloadedIcould

almostfeeltheweightofher

thoughts.

‘Sowhowashe?Thatguy

lastnight?’Ikeptmyfaceto

thefront,myvoiceneutral.

‘Justsomeone.’

‘Youtoldmehewasyour

boyfriend.’

‘Thenthat’swhohewas.’

Hervoicehadhardened,her

faceclosed.Aswedrew

nearertoherparents’house,

shecrossedherarmsinfront

ofher,bringingherkneesup

toherchin,hergazesetand

defiant,asifalreadyinsilent

battle.Ihadwonderedifshe

hadbeentellingmethetruth

aboutStJohn’sWood,but

shegesturedtoawide,tree-

linedstreet,andtoldmeto

takethethirdleft,andwe

wereinthekindofroad

wherediplomatsorexpat

Americanbankerslive,the

kindofroadthatnobodyever

seemstogoinorcomeout

of.Ipulledthecarup,gazing

outofthewindowatthetall

whitestuccobuildings,the

carefullytrimmedyew

hedging,andimmaculate

windowboxes.

‘Youlivehere?’

Sheslammedthepassenger

doorbehindhersohardthat

mylittlecarrattled.‘Idon’t

livehere.Theylivehere.’

SheletherselfinandI

followedawkwardly,feeling

likeanintruder.Wewereina

spacious,high-ceilinged

hallway,withparquet

flooringandahugegilt

mirroronthewall,aslewof

white-cardinvitationsjostling

forspaceinitsframe.Avase

ofbeautifullyarranged

flowerssatonasmallantique

table.Theairwasscented

withtheirperfume.

Fromupstairscamethe

soundofcommotion,

possiblychildren’svoices–it

washardtotell.

‘Myhalf-brothers,’Lily

saiddismissively,andwalked

throughtothekitchen,

apparentlyexpectingmeto

follow.Itwasenormous,in

modernistgrey,withan

endlessmushroom-coloured

polished-concreteworktop.

Everythinginitscreamed

money,fromtheDualit

toastertothecoffee-maker,

whichwaslargeand

complicatedenoughnottobe

outofplaceinaMilanese

café.Lilyopenedthefridge

andscannedit,finallypulling

outaboxoffreshpineapple

piecesthatshestartedtoeat

withherfingers.

‘Lily?’

Avoicefromupstairs,

urgent,female.

‘Lily,isthatyou?’The

soundoffootstepsracing

down.

Lilyrolledhereyes.

Ablondewomanappeared

inthedoorway.Shestaredat

me,thenatLily,whowas

droppingapieceofpineapple

languidlyintohermouth.She

walkedoverandsnatchedthe

containerfromherhands.

‘Wherethehellhaveyou

been?Theschoolisbeside

themselves.Daddywasout

drivingroundthe

neighbourhood.Wethought

you’dbeenmurdered!Where

wereyou?’

‘He’snotmydad.’

‘Don’tgetsmartwithme,

younglady.Youcan’tjust

walkbackinherelike

nothing’shappened!Doyou

haveanyideaofthetrouble

you’vecaused?Iwasupwith

yourbrotherhalfthenight,

andthenIcouldn’tsleepfor

worryingaboutwhathad

happenedtoyou.I’vehadto

cancelourtriptoGranny

Houghton’sbecausewe

didn’tknowwhereyouwere.’

Lilystaredathercoolly.‘I

don’tknowwhyyou

bothered.Youdon’tusually

carewhereIam.’

Thewomanstiffenedwith

rage.Shewasthin,thekind

ofthinthatcomeswithfaddy

dietsorcompulsiveexercise;

herhairwasexpensivelycut

andcolouredsothatitlooked

neither,andshewaswearing

whatIassumedweredesigner

jeans.Butherface,tannedas

itwas,betrayedher:she

lookedexhausted.

Shespunroundtome.‘Isit

youshe’sbeenstayingwith?’

‘Well,yes,but–’

Shelookedmeupand

down,andapparentlydecided

shewasnotenamouredof

whatshesaw.‘Doyouknow

thetroubleyou’recausing?

Doyouhaveanyideahow

oldsheis?Whatthehelldo

youwantwithagirlthat

younganyway?Youmustbe,

what,thirty?’

‘Actually,I–’

‘Isthiswhatit’sabout?’

sheaskedherdaughter.‘Are

youhavingarelationship

withthiswoman?’

‘Oh,Mum,shutup.’Lily

hadpickedupthepineapple

again,andwasfishingaround

initwithherforefinger.‘It’s

notwhatyouthink.She

hasn’tcausedanyofit.’She

loweredthelastpieceof

pineappleintohermouth,

pausingtochew,perhapsfor

dramaticeffect,beforeshe

spokeagain.‘She’sthe

womanwhousedtolook

aftermydad.Myrealdad.’

TanyaHoughton-Millersat

backintheendlesscushions

ofhercreamsofaandstirred

hercoffee.Iperchedonthe

edgeofthesofaopposite,

gazingattheoversized

Diptyquecandlesandthe

artfullyplacedInteriors

magazines.Iwasslightly

afraidthatifIsatbackasshe

had,mycoffeewouldtipinto

mylap.

‘Howdidyoumeetmy

daughter?’shesaidwearily.

Herweddingfingersported

twoofthebiggestdiamonds

I’deverseen.

‘Ididn’t,really.Sheturned

upatmyflat.Ihadnoidea

whoshewas.’

Shedigestedthatfora

minute.‘Andyouusedto

lookafterWillTraynor.’

‘Yes.Untilhedied.’

Therewasabriefpauseas

webothstudiedtheceiling–

somethinghadjustcrashed

aboveourheads.‘Mysons.’

Shesighed.‘Theyhavesome

behaviouralissues.’

‘Aretheyfromyour…?’

‘They’renotWill’s,if

that’swhatyou’reasking.’

Wesatthereinsilence.Or

asneartosilenceasitcould

getwhenyoucouldhear

furiousscreamingupstairs.

Therewasanotherthud,

followedbyanominous

silence.

‘MrsHoughton-Miller,’I

said.‘Isittrue?IsLilyWill’s

daughter?’

Sheraisedherchin

slightly.‘Yes.’

Ifeltsuddenlyshaky,and

putmycoffeecuponthe

table.‘Idon’tunderstand.I

don’tunderstandhow–’

‘It’squitesimple.Willand

Iweretogetherduringthelast

yearofuni.Iwastotallyin

lovewithhim,ofcourse.

Everyonewas.AlthoughI

shouldsayitwasn’tallone-

waytraffic–youknow?’She

raisedasmallsmileand

waited,asifexpectingmeto

saysomething.

Icouldn’t.HowcouldWill

nothavetoldmehehada

daughter?Aftereverything

wehadbeenthrough?

Tanyadrawledon:

‘Anyway.Wewerethe

goldencoupleofourgroup.

Balls,punting,weekends

away,youknowthedrill.

WillandI–well,wewere

everywhere.’Shetoldthe

storyasifitwerestillfreshto

her,asifitweresomething

shehadgoneoverandoverin

herhead.‘Andthenatour

Founders’Ball,Ihadtoleave

tohelpmyfriendLiza,who

hadgotherselfintoabitofa

mess,andwhenIcameback,

Willwasgone.Noidea

wherehewas.SoIwaited

thereforages,andallthecars

cameandtookeveryone

home,andfinallyagirlI

didn’tevenknowverywell

cameuptomeandtoldme

thatWillhadgoneoffwitha

girlcalledStephanieLoudon.

Youwon’tknowherbut

she’dhadhereyeonhimfor

ever.AtfirstIdidn’tbelieve

it,butIdrovetoherhouse

anyway,andsatoutside,and

sureenough,atfivea.m.he

cameoutandtheystoodthere

kissingonthedoorstep,like

theycouldn’tcarewhosaw.

AndwhenIgotoutofthecar

andconfrontedhim,hedidn’t

evenhavethegracetobe

ashamed.Hejustsaidthere

wasnopointinusgetting

emotionalaswewerenever

goingtolastbeyondcollege

anyway.

‘Andthen,ofcourse,

collegefinished,whichwas

somethingofarelief,tobe

honest,becausewhowantsto

bethegirlWillTraynor

dumped?Butitwassohard

togetover,becauseithad

endedsoabruptly.Afterwe

leftandhestartedworkinthe

CityIwrotetohimaskingif

wecouldatleastmeetfora

drinksoIcouldworkout

whatonearthhadgone

wrong.Because,asfarasI

wasconcerned,wehadbeen

reallyhappy,youknow?And

hejustgothissecretaryto

sendthis–thiscard,saying

shewasverysorrybutWill’s

diarywasabsolutelyfulland

hedidn’thavetimerightnow

buthewishedmeallthebest.

“Allthebest”.’Shegrimaced.

Iwincedinternally.Much

asIwantedtodiscounther

story,thisversionofWill

heldahorribleringoftruth.

Willhimselfhadlookedback

athisearlierlifewithutter

clarity,hadconfessedhow

badlyhehadtreatedwomen

whenhewasyounger.(His

exactwordswere:‘Iwasa

completearse.’)

Tanyawasstilltalking.

‘Andthen,abouttwomonths

later,IdiscoveredIwas

pregnant.Anditwasalready

awfullylatebecausemy

periodshadalwaysbeen

erraticandIhadn’trealized

I’dalreadymissedtwo.SoI

decidedtogoaheadandhave

Lily.But–’hereshelifted

herchinagain,asifbracedto

defendherself–‘therewasno

pointintellinghim.Notafter

everythinghe’dsaidand

done.’

Mycoffeehadgonecold.

‘Nopointintellinghim?’

‘He’dasgoodassaidhe

didn’twantanythingtodo

withme.Hewouldhave

actedasifI’ddoneit

deliberately,totraphimor

something.’

Mymouthwashanging

open.Iclosedit.‘Butyou–

youdon’tthinkhehadthe

righttoknow,MrsHoughton-

Miller?Youdon’tthinkhe

mighthavewantedtomeet

hischild?Regardlessofwhat

hadhappenedbetweenthe

twoofyou?’

Sheputdownhercup.

‘She’ssixteen,’Isaid.‘She

wouldhavebeenfourteen,

fifteenwhenhedied.That’s

anawfullong–’

‘Andbythattimeshehad

Francis.Hewasherfather.

Andhehasbeenverygoodto

her.Wewereafamily.Area

family.’

‘Idon’tunderstand–’

‘Willdidn’tdeserveto

knowher.’

Thewordssettledintheair

betweenus.

‘Hewasanarsehole.

Okay?WillTraynorwasa

selfisharsehole.’Shepushed

astrandofhairbackfromher

face.‘ObviouslyIdidn’t

knowwhathadhappenedto

him.Thatcameasacomplete

shock.ButIcan’thonestly

sayitwouldhavemadea

difference.’

Ittookmeamomentto

findmyvoice.‘Itwouldhave

madeeverydifference.To

him.’

Shelookedatmesharply.

‘Willkilledhimself,’I

said,andmyvoicecrackeda

little.‘Willendedhislife

becausehecouldn’tseeany

reasontogoon.Ifhe’d

knownhehadadaughter–’

Shestoodup.‘Oh,no.You

don’tpinthatonme,Miss

Whoever-you-are.Iamnot

goingtobemadetofeel

responsibleforthatman’s

suicide.Youthinkmylife

isn’tcomplicatedenough?

Don’tyoudarecomehere

judgingme.Ifyou’dhadto

copewithhalfofwhatIcope

with…No.WillTraynorwas

ahorribleman.’

‘WillTraynorwasthe

finestmanIeverknew.’

Shelethergazerunupand

downme.‘Yes.Well,Ican

imaginethat’sprobablytrue.’

IthoughtIhadneverbeen

filledwithsuchaninstant

dislikeforsomeone.

Ihadstoodtoleavewhena

voicebrokeintothesilence.

‘Somydadreallydidn’t

knowaboutme.’

Lilywasstandingverystill

inthedoorway.Tanya

Houghton-Millerblanched.

Thensherecoveredherself.‘I

wassavingyoufromhurt,

Lily.IknewWillverywell,

andIwasnotpreparedtoput

eitherofusthroughthe

humiliationoftryingto

persuadehimtobepartofa

relationshiphewouldn’thave

wanted.’Shesmoothedher

hair.‘Andyoureallymust

stopthisawfuleavesdropping

habit.You’relikelytoget

quitethewrongendofthe

stick.’

Icouldn’tlistentoany

more.Iwalkedtothedooras

aboybeganshouting

upstairs.Aplastictruckflew

downthestairsandcrashed

intopiecessomewherebelow.

Ananxiousface–Filipina?–

gazedatmeoverthebanister.

Ibegantowalkdownthe

stairs.

‘Whereareyougoing?’

‘I’msorry,Lily.We’ll–

perhapswe’lltalksomeother

time.’

‘Butyou’vehardlytoldme

anythingaboutmydad.’

‘Hewasn’tyourfather,’

TanyaHoughton-Millersaid.

‘Francishasdonemorefor

yousinceyouwerelittlethan

Willeverwouldhavedone.’

‘Francisisnotmydad,’

Lilyroared.

Anothercrashfrom

upstairs,andawoman’s

voice,shoutinginalanguage

Ididn’tunderstand.Atoy

machine-gunsenttinnyblasts

intotheair.Tanyaputher

handstoherhead.‘Ican’t

copewiththis.Isimplycan’t

cope.’

Lilycaughtupwithmeat

thedoor.‘CanIstaywith

you?’

‘What?’

‘Atyourflat?Ican’tstay

here.’

‘Lily,Idon’tthink–’

‘Justfortonight.Please.’

‘Oh,bemyguest.Haveher

staywithyouforadayor

two.She’sjustdelightful

company.’Tanyawaveda

hand.‘Polite,helpful,loving.

Adreamtohavearound!’Her

facehardened.‘Let’sseehow

thatworksout.Youknowshe

drinks?Andsmokesinthe

house?Andthatshewas

suspendedfromschool?

She’stoldyouallthis,has

she?’

Lilyseemedalmostbored,

asifshehadheardthisa

milliontimesbefore.

‘Shedidn’tevenbother

turningupforherexams.

We’vedoneeverything

possibleforher.Counsellors,

thebestschools,private

tutors.Francishastreatedher

asifshewerehisown.And

shejustthrowsitallbackin

ourfaces.Myhusbandis

havingaverydifficulttimeat

thebankrightnow,andthe

boyshavetheirissues,and

shedoesn’tgiveusaninch.

Sheneverhas.’

‘Howwouldyoueven

know?I’vebeenwithnannies

halfmylife.Whentheboys

wereborn,yousentmeto

boarding-school.’

‘Icouldn’tcopewithallof

you!IdidwhatIcould!’

‘Youdidwhatyouwanted,

whichwastostartyour

perfectfamilyalloveragain,

withoutme.’Lilyturnedback

tome.‘Please?Justforabit?

IpromiseIwon’tgetunder

yourfeetatall.I’llbereally

helpful.’

Ishouldhavesaidno.I

knewIshould.ButIwasso

angrywiththatwoman.And

justforamomentIfeltasifI

hadtostandinforWill,todo

thethinghecouldn’tdo.

‘Fine,’Isaid,asalargeLego

creationwhistledpastmyear

andsmashedintotiny

colouredpiecesbymyfeet.

‘Grabyourthings.I’llbe

waitingoutside.’

Therestofthedaywasa

blur.Wemovedmyboxes

outofthespareroom,

stackingtheminmy

bedroom,andmadetheroom

hers,oratleastlessofa

storagearea,puttingupthe

blindIhadneverquitegot

roundtofixing,andmoving

inalampandmyspare

bedsidetable.Iboughta

campbed,andwecarriedit

upthestairstogether,witha

hangingrailforherfew

things,anewduvetcoverand

pillowcases.Sheseemedto

likehavingapurpose,and

wascompletelyunfazedat

theideaofmovinginwith

somebodyshehardlyknew.I

watchedherarrangingher

fewbelongingsinthespare

roomthateveningandfelt

oddlysad.Howunhappydid

agirlhavetobetowantto

leaveallthatluxuryforabox

roomwithacampbedanda

wobblyclothesrail?

Icookedpasta,conscious

ofthestrangenessofhaving

someonetocookfor,andwe

watchedtelevisiontogether.

Athalfpasteightherphone

wentoffandsheaskedfora

pieceofpaperandapen.

‘Here,’shesaid,scribblingon

it.‘Thisismymum’smobile

number.Shewantsyour

phonenumberandaddress.In

caseofemergencies.’

Iwonderedfleetinglyhow

oftenshethoughtLilywas

goingtostay.

Atten,exhausted,ItoldherI

wasturningin.Shewasstill

watchingtelevision,sitting

cross-leggedonthesofa,and

messagingsomeoneonher

littlelaptop.‘Don’tstayup

toolate,okay?’Itsounded

fakeonmylips,likesomeone

pretendingtobeanadult.

Hereyeswerestillgluedto

thetelevision.

‘Lily?’

Shelookedup,asifshe’d

onlyjustnoticedIwasinthe

room.‘Oh,yeah,Imeantto

tellyou.Iwasthere.’

‘Where?’

‘Ontheroof.Whenyou

fell.Itwasmewhocalledthe

ambulance.’

Isawherfacesuddenly,

thosebigeyes,thatskin,pale

inthedarkness.‘Butwhat

wereyoudoingupthere?’

‘Ifoundyouraddress.

Aftereveryoneathomehad

gonenutso,Ijustwantedto

workoutwhoyouwere

beforeItriedtotalktoyou.I

sawIcouldgetupthereby

thefireescapeandyourlight

wason.Iwasjustwaiting,

really.Butwhenyoucameup

andstartedmessingabouton

theedgeIsuddenlythoughtif

IsaidanythingI’dfreakyou

out.’

‘Whichyoudid.’

‘Yeah.Ididn’tmeantodo

that.IactuallythoughtI’d

killedyou.’Shelaughed,

nervously.

Wesatthereforaminute.

‘EveryonethinksItriedto

jump.’

Herfaceswivelledtowards

me.‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

Shethoughtaboutthis.

‘Becauseofwhathappenedto

mydad?’

‘Yes.’

‘Doyoumisshim?’

‘Everysingleday.’

Shewassilent.Eventually

shesaid,‘Sowhenisyour

nextdayoff?’

‘Sunday.Why?’Isaid,

draggingmythoughtsback.

‘Canwegotoyourhome

town?’

‘Youwanttogoto

Stortfold?’

‘Iwanttoseewherehe

lived.’

C H A P T E R E I G H T

Ididn’ttellDadwewere

coming.Iwasn’tentirelysure

howtohavethat

conversation.Wepulledup

outsideourhouseandIsat

foraminute,conscious,as

shepeeredoutofthewindow,

ofthesmall,ratherweary

appearanceofmyparents’

houseincomparisonwithher

own.Shehadsuggestedwe

bringflowerswhenItoldher

mymotherwouldinsistwe

stayforlunch,andgotcross

whenIsuggestedpetrol-

stationcarnations,even

thoughtheywerefor

someoneshe’dnevermet.

Ihaddriventothe

supermarketontheotherside

ofStortfold,whereshehad

chosenahugehand-tied

bouquetoffreesias,peonies

andranunculus.WhichIhad

paidfor.

‘Stayhereaminute,’Isaid,

asshestartedtoclimbout.

‘I’mgoingtoexplainbefore

youcomein.’

‘But–’

‘Trustme,’Isaid.‘They’re

goingtoneedaminute.’

Iwalkedupthelittle

gardenpathandknockedon

thedoor.Icouldhearthe

televisioninthelivingroom,

andpicturedGranddadthere,

watchingtheracing,his

mouthworkingsilentlyalong

withthehorses’legs.The

sightsandsoundsofhome.I

thoughtofthemonthsIhad

keptaway,nolongersureI

wasevenwelcome,ofhowI

hadrefusedtoallowmyself

tothinkofhowitfelttowalk

upthispath,thefabric-

conditionedscentofmy

mother’sembrace,my

father’sdistantbellowof

laughter.

Dadopenedthedoor,and

hiseyebrowsshotup.‘Lou!

Weweren’texpectingyou!

…Wereweexpectingyou?’

Hesteppedforwardand

envelopedmeinahug.

IrealizedIlikedhavingmy

familyback.‘Hi,Dad.’

Hewaitedonthestep,arm

outstretched.Thesmellof

roastchickenwafteddown

thecorridor.‘Youcomingin,

then,orarewegoingtohave

apicnicoutonthefront

step?’

‘Ineedtotellyou

somethingfirst.’

‘Youlostyourjob.’

‘No,Ididnotlosemy–’

‘Yougotanothertattoo.’

‘Youknewaboutthe

tattoo?’

‘I’myourfather.I’ve

knownabouteverybloody

thingyouandyoursisterhave

donesinceyouwerethree

yearsold.’Heleaned

forward.‘Yourmotherwould

neverletmehaveone.’

‘No,Dad,Idon’thave

anothertattoo.’Itooka

breath.‘I…IhaveWill’s

daughter.’

Dadstoodverystill.Mum

appearedbehindhim,with

herapronon.‘Lou!’She

caughtthelookonDad’s

face.‘What?What’swrong?’

‘ShesaysshehasWill’s

daughter.’

‘ShehasWill’swhat?’

Mumsquawked.

Dadhadgonequitewhite.

Hereachedbehindhimfor

theradiatorandclutchedit.

‘What?’Isaid,anxious.

‘What’sthematter?’

‘You–you’renottelling

meyouharvestedhis…you

know…hislittlefellas?’

Ipulledaface.‘She’sin

thecar.She’ssixteenyears

old.’

‘Oh,thankGod.Oh,Josie,

thankGod.Thesedays,

you’reso…Ineverknow

what–’Hecomposed

himself.‘Will’sdaughter,

yousay?Youneversaidhe

–’

‘Ididn’tknow.Nobody

knew.’

Mumpeeredaroundhimto

mycar,whereLilywastrying

toactasifshedidn’tknow

shewasbeingtalkedabout.

‘Well,you’dbetterbring

herin,’saidMum,herhand

toherneck.‘It’sadecent-

sizedchicken.Itwilldoallof

usifIaddafewmore

potatoes.’Sheshookherhead

inamazement.‘Will’s

daughter.Well,goodness,

Lou.You’recertainlyfullof

surprises.’ShewavedatLily,

whowavedbacktentatively.

‘Comeonin,love!’

Dadliftedahandin

greeting,thenmurmured

quietly,‘DoesMrTraynor

know?’

‘Notyet.’

Dadrubbedhischest.‘Is

thereanythingelse?’

‘Likewhat?’

‘Anythingelseyouneedto

tellme.Youknow,apart

fromjumpingoffbuildings

andbringinghomelong-lost

children.You’renotjoining

thecircus,oradoptingakid

fromKazakhstanor

something?’

‘IpromiseIamdoingnone

oftheabove.Yet.’

‘Well,thanktheLordfor

that.What’sthetime?Ithink

I’mreadyforadrink.’

‘Sowhere’dyougotoschool,

Lily?’

‘It’sasmallboarding-

schoolinShropshire.No

one’severheardofit.It’s

mostlyposhretardsand

distantmembersofthe

Moldavianroyalfamily.’

Wehadcrammedourselves

aroundthedining-tableinthe

frontroom,thesevenofus

kneetoknee,andsixofus

prayingthatnobodyneeded

theloo,whichwould

necessitateeveryonegetting

upandmovingthetablesix

inchestowardsthesofa.

‘Boarding-school,eh?

Tuckshopsandmidnight

feastsandallthat?Ibetthat’s

agas.’

‘Notreally.Theyshutthe

tuckshoplastyearbecause

halfthegirlshadeating

disordersandweremaking

themselvessickonSnickers

bars.’

‘Lily’smotherlivesinSt

John’sWood,’Isaid.‘She’s

stayingwithmeforacouple

ofdayswhileshe…while

shegetstoknowabitabout

theothersideofherfamily.’

Mumsaid,‘TheTraynors

havelivedherefor

generations.’

‘Really?Doyouknow

them?’

Mumfroze.‘Well,notas

such…’

‘What’stheirhouselike?’

Mum’sfaceclosed.‘You’d

bebetteraskingLouabout

thatsortofthing.She’sthe

onewhospent…allthetime

there.’

Lilywaited.

Dadsaid,‘IworkwithMr

Traynor,whoisresponsible

fortherunningoftheestate.’

‘Granddad!’exclaimed

Granddad,andlaughed.Lily

glancedathim,thenbackat

me.Ismiled,althougheven

thementionofMrTraynor’s

namemademefeeloddly

unbalanced.

‘That’sright,Daddy,’said

Mum.‘He’dbeLily’s

granddad.Justlikeyou.Now

whowantssomemore

potatoes?’

‘Granddad,’Lilyrepeated

quietly,clearlypleased.

‘We’llringthemand…

tellthem,’Isaid.‘Andifyou

likewecandrivepasttheir

housewhenweleave.Justso

youcanseeabitofit.’

Mysistersatsilently

throughoutthisexchange.

Lilyhadbeenplacednextto

Thom,possiblyinanattempt

togethimtobehavebetter,

althoughtheriskofhim

startingaconversationrelated

tointestinalparasiteswasstill

quitehigh.Treenawatched

Lily.Shewasmore

suspiciousthanmyparents,

whohadjustaccepted

everythingI’dtoldthem.She

hadhauledmeupstairswhile

DadwasshowingLilythe

garden,andaskedallthe

questionsthathadflown

wildlyaroundmyhead,likea

trappedpigeoninaclosed

room.HowdidIknowshe

waswhoshesaid?Whatdid

shewant?Andthen,finally,

Whyonearthwouldherown

motherwanthertocomeand

livewithyou?

‘Sohowlongisshe

staying?’shesaid,atthe

table,whileDadwastelling

Lilyaboutworkingwith

greenoak.

‘Wehaven’treally

discussedit.’

Shepulledthekindofface

atmethattoldme

simultaneouslythatIwasan

eejit,andalsothatthiswasno

surprisetoherwhatsoever.

‘She’sbeenwithmefor

twonights,Treen.Andshe’s

onlyyoung.’

‘Mypointexactly.Whatdo

youknowaboutlookingafter

children?’

‘She’shardlyachild.’

‘She’sworsethanachild.

Teenagersarebasically

toddlerswithhormones–old

enoughtowanttodostuff

withouthavinganyofthe

commonsense.Shecouldget

intoallsortsoftrouble.I

can’tbelieveyou’reactually

doingthis.’

Ihandedherthegravy

boat.‘“Hello,Lou.Welldone

onkeepingyourjobina

toughmarket.

Congratulationsongetting

overyourterribleaccident.

It’sreallylovelytoseeyou.”

’

Shepassedmethesalt,and

muttered,underherbreath,

‘Youknow,youwon’tbe

abletocopewiththis,aswell

as…’

‘Aswellaswhat?’

‘Yourdepression.’

‘Idon’thavedepression,’I

hissed.‘I’mnotdepressed,

Treena.Forcryingoutloud,I

didnotthrowmyselfoffa

building.’

‘Youhaven’tbeenyourself

forages.Notsincethewhole

Willthing.’

‘WhatdoIhavetodoto

convinceyou?I’mholding

downajob.I’mdoingmy

physiotogetmyhipstraight

andgoingtoaflippinggrief-

counsellinggrouptogetmy

mindstraight.IthinkI’m

doingprettywell,okay?’The

wholetablewasnow

listeningtome.‘Infact–

here’sthething.Oh,yes.Lily

wasthere.Shesawmefall.It

turnsoutshewastheonewho

calledtheambulance.’

Everymemberofmy

familylookedatme.‘You

see,it’strue.Shesawmefall.

Ididn’tjump.Lily,Iwasjust

tellingmysister.Youwere

therewhenIfell,weren’t

you?See?ItoldyouallI

heardagirl’svoice.Iwasn’t

goingmad.Sheactuallysaw

thewholething.Islipped,

right?’

Lilylookedupfromher

plate,stillchewing.Shehad

barelystoppedeatingsince

wesatdown.‘Yup.She

totallywasn’ttryingtokill

herself.’

MumandDadexchangeda

glance.Mymothersighed,

crossedherselfdiscreetlyand

smiled.Mysisterliftedher

eyebrows,theclosestIwas

goingtogettoanapology.I

felt,briefly,elated.

‘Yeah.Shewasjust

shoutingatthesky.’Lily

liftedherfork.‘Andreally,

reallypissed.’

Therewasabriefsilence.

‘Oh,’saidDad.‘Well,

that’s–’

‘That’s…good,’said

Mum.

‘Thischicken’sgreat,’said

Lily.‘CanIhavesome

more?’

Westayeduntillate

afternoon,partlybecause

everytimeIgotuptoleave,

Mumkeptpressingmore

foodonus,andpartly

becausehavingotherpeople

tochattoLilymadethe

situationseemalittleless

weirdandintense.DadandI

movedouttothebackgarden

andthetwodeckchairsthat

hadsomehowfailedtorot

duringanotherwinter

(althoughitwaswisesttostay

almostcompletelystillonce

youwereinthem,justin

case).

‘Youknowyoursisterhas

beenreadingTheFemale

Eunuch?Andsomeoldshite

calledTheWomen’sBedroom

orsomething.Shesaysyour

motherisaclassicexampleof

oppressedwomanhood,and

thatthefactyourmother

disagreesshowshow

oppressedsheis.She’strying

totellherIshouldbedoing

thecookingandcleaningand

makingoutI’msomefecking

caveman.ButifIdaretosay

anythingbackshekeeps

tellingmeto“checkmy

privilege”.Checkmy

privilege!ItoldherI’dbe

happytocheckitifIknew

wherethehellyourmother

hadputit.’

‘Mumseemsfinetome,’I

said.Itookaswigofmytea,

feelingafaintlyguiltypang

thatthesoundsIcouldhear

wereMumwashingup.

Helookedsidewaysatme.

‘Shehasn’tshavedherlegsin

threeweeks.Threeweeks,

Lou!IfI’mreallyhonestit

givesmetheheebie-jeebies

whentheytouchme.I’ve

beenonthesofaforthelast

twonights.Idon’tknow,

Lou.Whyarepeoplenever

happyjusttoletthingsbeany

more?Yourmumwashappy,

I’mhappy.Weknowwhat

ourrolesare.I’mtheone

withhairylegs.She’stheone

whofitstherubbergloves.

Simple.’

Downthegarden,Lilywas

teachingThomtomake

birdcallsusingathickblade

ofgrass.Hehelditup

betweenhisthumbs,butit’s

possiblethathisfourmissing

teethhamperedanysound

production,asallthat

emergedwasaraspberryand

alightshowerofsaliva.

Wesatincompanionable

silenceforawhile,listening

tothesquawksofthe

birdcalls,Granddad

whistling,andnextdoor’s

dogyelpingtobeletin.Ifelt

happytobehome.

‘SohowisMrTraynor?’I

asked.

‘Ah,he’sgrand.Youknow

he’sgoingtobeadaddy

again?’

Iturned,carefully,inmy

chair.‘Really?’

‘NotwithMrsTraynor.

Shemovedoutstraightafter

…youknow.Thisiswiththe

red-headedgirl,Iforgether

name.’

‘Della,’Isaid,

rememberingsuddenly.

‘That’stheone.Theyseem

tohaveknowneachother

quiteawhile,butIthinkthe

whole,youknow,having-a-

babythingwasabitofa

surprisetothebothofthem.’

Dadcrackedopenanother

beer.‘He’scheerfulenough.I

supposeit’sniceforhimto

haveanewsonordaughter

ontheway.Somethingto

focuson.’

Somepartofmewantedto

judgehim.ButIcouldtoo

easilyimaginetheneedto

createsomethinggoodoutof

whathadhappened,thedesire

toclimbbackout,by

whatevermeans.

They’reonlystilltogether

becauseofme,Willhadtold

me,morethanonce.

‘Whatdoyouthinkhe’ll

makeofLily?’Iasked.

‘Ihavenoidea,love.’Dad

thoughtforabit.‘Ithinkhe’ll

behappy.It’slikehe’s

gettingabitofhissonback,

isn’tit?’

‘WhatdoyouthinkMrs

Traynorwillthink?’

‘Idon’tknow,love.Ihave

noideawheresheevenlives

thesedays.’

‘Lily’s…quiteahandful.’

Dadburstoutlaughing.

‘Youdon’tsay!Youand

Treenadroveyourmother

andmehalfdementedfor

yearswithyourlatenights

andyourboyfriendsandyour

heartbreaks.It’sabouttime

youhadsomeofitcoming

backyourway.’Hetooka

swigofhisbeerandchuckled

again.‘It’sgoodnews,love.

I’mgladyouwon’tbeon

yourowninthatemptyold

flatofyours.’

Thom’sgrassletouta

squawk.Hisfacelitup,and

hethrusthisbladeskyward.

Weraisedourthumbsin

salute.

‘Dad.’

Heturnedtome.

‘YouknowI’mfine,

right?’

‘Yes,love.’Hegavemea

gentleshoulderbump.‘But

it’smyjobtoworry.I’llbe

worryingtillI’mtoooldto

getoutofmychair.’He

lookeddownatit.‘Mindyou,

thatmightbesoonerthanI’d

like.’

Weleftshortlybeforefive.

Intherear-viewmirror

Treenawastheonlyoneof

thefamilynotwaving.She

stoodthere,herarmscrossed

overherchest,herhead

movingslowlyfromsideto

sideasshewatchedusgo.

Whenwegothome,Lily

disappearedontotheroof.I

hadn’tbeenuptheresincethe

accident.I’dtoldmyselfthe

springweatherhadmadeit

pointlesstotry,thatthefire

escapewouldbeslippery

becauseoftherain,thatthe

sightofallthosepotsofdead

plantswouldmakemefeel

guilty,but,really,Iwas

afraid.Eventhinkingabout

headingupthereagainmade

myheartthumpharder;it

tooknothingformetorecall

thatsenseoftheworld

disappearingfrombeneath

me,likearugpulledfrom

undermyfeet.

Iwatchedherclimboutof

thelandingwindowand

shoutedupthatsheshould

comedownintwenty

minutes.Whentwenty-five

hadgoneby,Ibegantoget

anxious.Icalledoutofthe

windowbutonlythesoundof

thetrafficcamebacktome.

Atthirty-fiveminutesIfound

myself,swearingundermy

breath,climbingoutofthe

hallwindowontothefire

escape.

Itwasawarmsummer

eveningandtherooftop

asphaltradiatedheat.Below

usthesoundsofthecity

spelledalazySundayin

slow-movingtraffic,windows

down,musicblaring,youths

hangingoutonstreetcorners,

andthedistantchargrilled

smellsofbarbecuesonother

rooftops.

Lilysatonanupturned

plantpot,lookingoutover

theCity.Istoodwithmy

backtothewatertank,trying

nottofeelareflexivepanic

wheneversheleanedtowards

theedge.

Ithadbeenamistaketogo

upthere.Ifelttheasphalt

listinggentlyunderneathmy

feet,likethedeckofaship.I

mademywayunsteadilyto

therustingironseat,lowering

myselfintoit.Mybodyknew

exactlyhowitfelttostandon

thatledge;howthe

infinitesimaldifference

betweenthesolidbusinessof

living,andthelurchthat

wouldendeverythingcould

bemeasuredinthesmallest

ofunits,ingrams,in

millimetres,indegrees,and

thatknowledgemadethe

hairsonmyarmsprickleand

afinesweatseepthroughthe

skinonthebackofmyneck.

‘Canyoucomedown,

Lily?’

‘Allyourplantshavedied.’

Shewaspickingatthedead

leavesofadesiccatedshrub.

‘Yes.Well,Ihaven’tbeen

uphereformonths.’

‘Youshouldn’tletplants

die.It’scruel.’

Ilookedathersharply,to

seeifshewasjoking,butshe

didn’tseemtobe.She

stooped,breakingoffatwig

andexaminingthedried-up

centre.‘Howdidyoumeet

mydad?’

Ireachedforthecornerof

thewatertank,tryingtostop

mylegsshaking.‘Ijust

appliedforajobtolookafter

him.AndIgotit.’

‘Eventhoughyouweren’t

medicallytrained.’

‘Yes.’

Sheconsideredthis,flicked

thedeadstemawayintothe

air,thengotup,walkedtothe

farendoftheterrace,and

stood,herhandsonherhips,

legsbraced,askinnyAmazon

warrior.‘Hewashandsome,

wasn’the?’

Theroofwasswaying

underme.Ineededtogo

downstairs.‘Ican’tdothisup

here,Lily.’

‘Areyoureally

frightened?’

‘I’djustreallyratherwe

wentdown.Please.’

Shetiltedherheadand

watchedme,asiftryingto

workoutwhethertodoasI

asked.Shetookastep

towardsthewall,andputher

footupspeculatively,asifto

jumpontotheedge,justlong

enoughtomakemebreakout

intoaspontaneoussweat.

Thensheturnedtome,

grinned,puthercigarette

betweenherteethandwalked

backacrosstherooftowards

thefireescape.‘Youwon’t

falloffagain,silly.Nobody’s

thatunlucky.’

‘Yeah.Well,rightnow,I

don’treallywanttotestthe

odds.’

Someminuteslater,whenI

couldmakemylegsobeymy

brain,wewentdownthetwo

flightsofironsteps.We

stoppedoutsidemywindow

whenIrealizedIwasshaking

toomuchtoclimbthrough

andIsatdownonthestep.

Lilyrolledhereyes,

waiting.Then,whenshe

graspedIcouldn’tmove,she

satdownonthestepsbeside

me.Wewereonly,perhaps,

tenfeetlowerthanwehad

been,butwithmyhallway

visiblethroughthewindow,

andarailoneachside,I

begantobreathenormally

again.

‘Youknowwhatyou

need,’shesaid,andheldup

herroll-up.

‘Areyouseriouslytelling

metogetstoned?Fourfloors

up?YouknowIjustfelloffa

roof?’

‘It’llhelpyourelax.’

Andthen,whenIdidn’t

takeit,‘Oh,comeon.What–

areyouseriouslythe

straightestpersoninthe

wholeofLondon?’

‘I’mnotfromLondon.’

Afterwards,Icouldn’t

believeIhadbeen

manipulatedbyasixteen-

year-old.ButLilywaslike

thecoolgirlinclass,theone

youfoundyourselftryingto

impress.Beforeshecouldsay

anythingelse,Itookitfrom

herandhadatentativedrag,

tryingnottocoughwhenit

hitthebackofmythroat.

‘Anyway,you’resixteen,’I

muttered.‘Youshouldn’tbe

doingthis.Andwhereis

someonelikeyougettingthis

stuff?’

Lilypeeredoverthe

railing.‘Didyoufancyhim?’

‘Fancywho?Yourdad?

Notatfirst.’

‘Becausehewasina

wheelchair.’

Becausehewasdoingan

impressionofDanielDay-

LewisinMyLeftFootandit

scaredthebejaysusoutofme,

Iwantedtosay,butitwould

havetakentoomuch

explaining.‘No.The

wheelchairwastheleast

importantthingabouthim.I

didn’tfancyhimbecause…

hewasveryangry.Andabit

intimidating.Andthosetwo

thingsmadehimquitehardto

fancy.’

‘DoIlooklikehim?I

GoogledhimbutIcan’ttell.’

‘Abit.Yourcolouringis

thesame.Maybeyoureyes.’

‘Mymumsaidhewas

reallyhandsomeandthatwas

whatmadehimsuchan

arsehole.Oneofthethings.

WheneverI’mgettingonher

nervesnowshetellsmeI’m

justlikehim.Oh,God,you’re

justlikeWillTraynor.’She

alwayscallshimWill

Traynor,though.Not“your

father”.She’sdeterminedto

makeoutlikeFuckfaceismy

dad,eventhoughheis

patentlynot.It’slikeshe

thinksshecanjustmakea

familybyinsistingthatwe

areone.’

Itookanotherdrag.Icould

feelmyselfgettingwoozy.

Apartfromonenightata

housepartyinParis,ithad

beenyearssinceI’dhada

joint.‘Youknow,IthinkI’d

enjoythismoreifthere

wasn’tasmallpossibilityof

mefallingoffthisfire

escape.’

Shetookitfromme.‘Jeez,

Louise.Youneedtohave

somefun.’Sheinhaled

deeply,andleanedherhead

back.‘Didhetellyouabout

howhewasfeeling?Likethe

realstuff?’Sheinhaledagain

andhandeditbacktome.She

seemedtotallyunaffected.

‘Yes.’

‘Didyouargue?’

‘Quitealot.Butwe

laughedalot,too.’

‘Didhefancyyou?’

‘Fancyme?…Idon’t

knowif“fancy”istheright

word.’

Mymouthworkedsilently

aroundwordsIcouldn’tfind.

HowcouldIexplaintothis

girlwhatWillandIhadbeen

toeachother,thewayIfelt

thatnopersonintheworld

hadeverunderstoodmelike

hedidoreverwouldagain?

Howcouldsheunderstand

thatlosinghimwaslike

havingaholeshotstraight

throughme,apainful,

constantreminder,anabsence

Icouldneverfill?

Shestaredatme.‘Hedid!

Mydadfanciedyou!’She

startedtogiggle.Anditwas

sucharidiculousthingtosay,

suchauselessword,faced

withwhatWillandIhad

beentoeachother,that,

despitemyself,Igiggledtoo.

‘Mydadhadthehotsfor

you.Howmadisthat?’She

gasped.‘Oh,myGod!Ina

differentuniverse,youcould

havebeenMYSTEPMUM.’

Wegazedateachotherin

mock-horrorandsomehow

thisfactswelledbetweenus

untilabubbleofmerriment

lodgedinmychest.Ibeganto

laugh,thekindoflaughthat

vergesonhysteria,thatmakes

yourstomachhurt,wherethe

mereactoflookingat

someonesetsyouoffagain.

‘Didyouhavesex?’

Andthatkilledit.

‘Okay.Thisconversation

hasnowgotweird.’

Lilypulledaface.‘Your

wholerelationshipsounds

weird.’

‘Itwasn’tatall.It…it…’

Itwassuddenlytoomuch:

therooftop,thequestions,the

joint,thememoriesofWill.

Weseemedtobeconjuring

himoutoftheairbetweenus:

hissmile,hisskin,thefeelof

hisfaceagainstmine,andI

wasn’tsureIwantedtodoit.

Iletmyheadfallslightly

betweenmyknees.Breathe,I

toldmyself.

‘Louisa?’

‘What?’

‘Didhealwaysplantogo

tothatplace?Dignitas?’

Inodded.Irepeatedthe

wordtomyself,tryingto

quellmyrisingsenseof

panic.In.Out.Justbreathe.

‘Didyoutrytochangehis

mind?’

‘Willwas…stubborn.’

‘Didyouargueaboutit?’

Iswallowed.‘Rightup

untilthelastday.’

Thelastday.WhyhadI

saidthat?Iclosedmyeyes.

WhenIfinallyopened

themagain,shewaswatching

me.

‘Wereyouwithhimwhen

hedied?’

Oureyeslocked.The

youngareterrifying,I

thought.Theyarewithout

boundaries.Theyfear

nothing.Icouldseethenext

questionformingonherlips,

thefaintsearchinginher

gaze.Butperhapsshewasnot

asbraveasI’dthought.

Finallyshedroppedher

gaze.‘Sowhenareyougoing

totellhisparentsaboutme?’

Myheartlurched.‘This

week.I’llcallthisweek.’

Shenodded,turnedher

faceawaysothatIcouldn’t

seeherexpression.Iwatched

assheinhaledagain.And

then,abruptly,shedropped

thejointthroughthebarsof

thefire-escapesteps,stoodup

andclimbedinsidewithouta

backwardlook.Iwaiteduntil

mylegsfeltasiftheycould

supportmeagain,then

followedherthroughthe

window.

C H A P T E R N I N E

IcalledonTuesday

lunchtime,whenajointone-

daystrikebyFrenchand

Germanair-trafficcontrolhad

leftthebaralmostempty.I

waiteduntilRichardhad

disappearedtothe

wholesaler’s,thenstoodout

ontheconcourse,outsidethe

lastLadiesbeforesecurity,

andsearchedmyphonefor

thenumberIhadneverbeen

abletodelete.

Thephonerangthree,four

times,andjustforamomentI

wasfilledwiththe

overwhelmingurgetopress

ENDCALL.Butthena

man’svoiceanswered,his

vowelsclipped,familiar.

‘Hello?’

‘MrTraynor?It–it’sLou.’

‘Lou?’

‘LouisaClark.’

Ashortsilence.Icould

hearhismemoriesthudding

downonhimalongwiththe

simplefactofmynameand

feltoddlyguilty.Thelast

timeIhadseenhimhadbeen

atWill’sgraveside,a

prematurelyagedman,

repeatedlystraighteninghis

shouldersashestruggled

undertheweightofhisgrief.

‘Louisa.Well…

Goodness.Thisis–Howare

you?’

IshiftedtoallowVioletto

swaypastwithhertrolley.

Shegavemeaknowing

smile,adjustingherpurple

turbanwithherfreehand.I

noticedshehadlittleUnion

Jackspaintedonher

fingernails.

‘I’mverywell,thankyou.

Andhowareyou?’

‘Oh–youknow.Actually,

I’mverywell,too.

Circumstanceshavechanged

alittlesincewelastsaweach

other,butit’sall…youknow

…’

Thattemporaryand

uncharacteristiclossof

bonhomiealmostcausedme

tofalter.Itookadeepbreath.

‘MrTraynor,I’mringing

becauseIreallyneedtotalk

toyouaboutsomething.’

‘IthoughtMichaelLawler

hadsortedoutallthe

financialmatters.’Histone

alteredjustslightly.

‘It’snottodowithmoney.’

Iclosedmyeyes.‘Mr

Traynor,Ihadavisitora

shorttimeagoandit’s

someoneIthinkyouneedto

meet.’

Awomanbumpedintomy

legswithherwheeledcase,

andmouthedanapology.

‘Okay.There’snosimple

wayofdoingthis,soI’mjust

goingtosayit.Willhada

daughterandsheturnedupon

mydoorstep.She’sdesperate

tomeetyou.’

Alongsilencethistime.

‘MrTraynor?’

‘I’msorry.Canyourepeat

whatyoujustsaid?’

‘Willhadadaughter.He

didn’tknowabouther.The

motherisanoldgirlfriendof

his,fromuniversity,who

tookituponherselfnottotell

him.Hehadadaughterand

shetrackedmedownandshe

reallywantstomeetyou.

She’ssixteen.Hernameis

Lily.’

‘Lily?’

‘Yes.I’vespokentoher

motherandsheseems

genuine.Awomancalled

Miller.TanyaMiller.’

‘I–Idon’trememberher.

ButWilldidhaveanawful

lotofgirlfriends.’

Anotherlongsilence.

Whenhespokeagainhis

voicecracked.‘Willhad…a

daughter?’

‘Yes.Yourgranddaughter.’

‘You–youreallythinkshe

ishisdaughter?’

‘I’vemethermother,and

heardwhatshehadtosay

and,yes,Ireallythinksheis.’

‘Oh.Oh,my.’

Icouldhearavoiceinthe

background:‘Steven?

Steven?Areyouallright?’

Anothersilence.

‘MrTraynor?’

‘I’msosorry.It’sjust–

I’malittle…’

Iputmyhandtomyhead.

‘It’sahugeshock.Iknow.

I’msorry.Icouldn’tthinkof

thebestwaytotellyou.I

didn’twanttojustturnupat

yourhouseincase…’

‘No.No,don’tbesorry.

It’sgoodnews.Extraordinary

news.Agranddaughter.’

‘What’sgoingon?Why

areyousittingdownlike

that?’Thevoiceinthe

backgroundsounded

concerned.

Iheardahandgooverthe

receiver,then:‘I’mfine,

darling.Really.I–I’ll

explaineverythingina

minute.’

Moremuffled

conversation.Andthenback

tome,hisvoicesuddenly

uncertain:‘Louisa?’

‘Yes?’

‘You’reabsolutelysure?I

mean,thisisjustso–’

‘AssureasIcanbe,Mr

Traynor.I’mhappytoexplain

moretoyou,butshe’ssixteen

andshe’sfulloflifeandshe’s

…well,she’sjustverykeen

tofindoutaboutthefamily

sheneverknewshehad.’

‘Oh,mygoodness.Oh,my

…Louisa?’

‘I’mstillhere.’

WhenhespokeagainI

foundmyeyeshadfilled

unexpectedlywithtears.

‘HowdoImeether?How

dowegoaboutmeeting…

Lily?’

Wedroveupthefollowing

Saturday.Lilywasafraidto

goalone,butwouldn’tsayas

much.Shejusttoldmeitwas

betterifIexplained

everythingtoMrTraynor

because‘Oldpeopleare

betterattalkingtoeach

other.’

Wedroveinsilence.Ifelt

almostsickwithnervesat

havingtoentertheTraynor

houseagain,notthatIcould

explainittothepassenger

besideme.Lilysaidnothing.

Didhebelieveyou?

Yes,Itoldher.Ithinkhe

did.Althoughshemightbe

wisetohaveabloodtest,just

toreassureeveryone.

Didheactuallyasktomeet

me,ordidyousuggestit?

Icouldn’tremember.My

brainhadsetupakindof

staticbuzzjustspeakingto

himagain.

WhatifI’mnotwhathe’s

expecting?

Iwasn’tsurehewas

expectinganything.He’d

onlyjustdiscoveredhehada

grandchild.’

Lilyhadturnedupon

Fridaynight,eventhoughI

hadn’texpectedheruntil

Saturdaymorning,sayingthat

she’dhadamassiverowwith

hermotherandthatFuckface

Francishadtoldhershehad

somegrowinguptodo.She

sniffed.‘Thisfromaman

whothinksit’snormalto

haveawholeroomdevotedto

atrainset.’

Ihadtoldhershewas

welcometostayaslongas(a)

Icouldgetconfirmationfrom

hermotherthatshealways

knewwhereshewas,(b)she

didn’tdrinkand(c)shedidn’t

smokeinmyflat.Which

meantthatwhileIwasinthe

bathshewalkedacrossthe

roadtoSamir’sshopand

chattedtohimforthelength

oftimeittooktosmoketwo

cigarettes,butitseemed

churlishtoargue.Tanya

Houghton-Millerwailedon

foralmosttwentyminutes

abouttheimpossibilityof

everything,toldmefour

timesIwouldendupsending

Lilyhomewithinforty-eight

hoursandonlygotoffthe

phonewhenachildstarted

screaminginthebackground.

IlistenedtoLilyclattering

aroundinmylittlekitchen,

andmusicIdidn’tunderstand

vibratingthefewbitsof

furnitureinmylivingroom.

Okay,Will,Itoldhim

silently.Ifthiswasyouridea

ofpushingmeintoawhole

newlifeyoucertainlypulled

ablinder.

ThenextmorningIwalked

intothespareroomtowake

Lilyandfoundheralready

awake,herarmscurledround

herlegs,smokingbymyopen

window.Anarrayofclothes

wastossedaroundonthebed,

asifshehadtriedonadozen

outfitsandfoundthemall

wanting.

Sheglaredatme,asif

daringmetosayanything.I

hadasuddenimageofWill,

turningfromthewindowin

hiswheelchair,hisgaze

furiousandpained,andjust

foramomentittookmy

breathaway.

‘Weleaveinhalfanhour,’

Isaid.

Wereachedtheoutskirtsof

townshortlybeforeeleven.

Summerhadbroughtthe

touristsflockingbacktothe

narrowstreetsofStortfold,

likeclumpsofearthbound,

gaudilycolouredswallows,

clutchingguidebooksandice

creams,weavingtheirway

aimlesslypastthecafésand

seasonalshopsfullofcastle-

imprintedcoastersand

calendarsthatwouldbe

swiftlyplacedindrawersat

homeandrarelylookedat

again.Idroveslowlypastthe

castleinthelongqueueof

NationalTrusttraffic,

wonderingatthePac-a-macs,

theanoraksandsunhatsthat

seemedtostaythesame

everyyear.Thisyearwasthe

five-hundredthanniversaryof

thecastle,andeverywherewe

lookedtherewereposters

advertisingeventslinkedto

it:morrisdancers,hogroasts,

fêtes…

Idroveuptothefrontof

thehouse,gratefulthatwe

weren’tfacingtheannex

whereIhadspentsomuch

timewithWill.Wesatinthe

carandlistenedtotheengine

tickingdown.Lily,Inoticed,

hadbittenawaynearlyallof

hernails.‘Youokay?’

Sheshrugged.

‘Shallwegoin,then?’

Shestaredatherfeet.

‘Whatifhedoesn’tlikeme?’

‘Whywouldn’the?’

‘Nobodyelsedoes.’

‘I’msurethat’snottrue.’

‘Nobodyatschoollikes

me.Myparentscan’twaitto

getridofme.’Shebit

savagelyatthecornerofa

remainingthumbnail.‘What

kindofmotherletsher

daughtergoandliveatthe

mouldyoldflatofsomeone

theydon’tevenknow?’

Itookadeepbreath.‘Mr

Traynor’saniceman.AndI

wouldn’thavebroughtyou

hereifIthoughtitwouldn’t

gowell.’

‘Ifhedoesn’tlikeme,can

wejustleave?Like,really

quickly?’

‘Ofcourse.’

‘I’llknow.Justfromhow

helooksatme.’

‘We’llskidoutontwo

wheelsifnecessary.’

Shesmiledreluctantly.

‘Okay,’Isaid,tryingnotto

showherthatIwasalmostas

nervousasshewas.‘Let’s

go.’

Istoodonthestep,watching

LilysothatIwouldn’tthink

toohardaboutwhereIwas.

Thedooropenedslowly,and

therehestood,stillinthe

samecornflowerblueshirtI

rememberedfromtwo

summerspreviously,buta

newer,shorterhaircut,

perhapsavainattemptto

combattheageingeffectsof

extremegrief.Heopenedhis

mouthasifhewantedtosay

somethingtomebuthad

forgottenwhatitwas,and

thenhelookedatLilyandhis

eyeswidenedjustalittle.

‘Lily?’

Shenodded.

Hegazedatherintently.

Nobodymoved.Andthenhis

mouthcompressed,andtears

filledhiseyes,andhestepped

forwardandsweptherinto

hisarms.‘Oh,mydear.Oh,

mygoodness.Oh,it’ssovery

goodtomeetyou.Oh,my

goodness.’

Hisgreyheadcamedown

torestagainsthers.I

wondered,briefly,ifshe

wouldpullback:Lilywasnot

someonewhoencouraged

physicalcontact.ButasI

watched,herhandscreptout

andshereachedaroundhis

waistandclutchedhisshirt,

herknuckleswhiteningand

hereyesclosingasshelet

herselfbeheldbyhim.They

stoodlikethatforwhat

seemedaneternity,theold

manandhisgranddaughter,

notmovingfromthefront

step.

Heleanedback,andthere

weretearsrunningdownhis

face.‘Letmelookatyou.Let

melook.’

Sheglancedatme,

embarrassedandpleasedat

thesametime.

‘Yes.Yes,Icanseeit.

Lookatyou!Lookatyou!’

Hisfaceswungtowardsmine.

‘Shelookslikehim,doesn’t

she?’

Inodded.

Shewasstaringathim,too,

searching,perhaps,fortraces

ofherfather.Whenshe

lookeddown,theywerestill

holdingeachother’shands.

Untilthatmoment,Ihadn’t

realizedIwascrying.Itwas

thenakedreliefonMr

Traynor’sbatteredoldface,

thejoyofsomethinghehad

thoughtlostandpartially

recaptured,thesheer

unexpectedhappinessofboth

oftheminfindingeachother.

Andasshesmiledbackat

him–aslow,sweetsmileof

recognition–my

nervousness,andanydoubts

I’dhadaboutLilyHoughton-

Miller,werebanished.

Ithadbeenlessthantwo

years,butGrantaHousehad

changedsignificantlysinceI

hadlastbeenthere.Gone

weretheenormousantique

cabinets,thetrinketboxeson

highlypolishedmahogany

tables,theheavydrapes.It

tookthewaddlingfigureof

DellaLaytontoindicatewhy

thatmightbe.Therewerestill

afewglowingpiecesof

antiquefurniture,yes,but

everythingelsewaswhiteor

brightlycoloured–new

sunshineyellowSanderson

curtainsandpalerugsonthe

oldwoodfloors,modern

printsinunmouldedframes.

Shemovedtowardsusslowly

andhersmilewasfaintly

guarded,likesomethingshe

hadforcedherselftowear.I

foundmyselfmovingback

involuntarilyasshe

approached:therewas

somethingoddlyshocking

aboutsuchaverypregnant

woman–thesheerbulkof

her,thealmostobscenecurve

ofherstomach.

‘Hello,youmustbe

Louisa.Howlovelytomeet

you.’

Herlustrousredhairwas

pinnedupinaclip,apale

bluelinenshirtrolledup

aroundslightlyswollen

wrists.Icouldn’thelp

noticingtheenormous

diamondringcuttingintoher

weddingfinger,and

wonderedwithavaguepang

whatthelastmonthshadbeen

likeforMrsTraynor.

‘Congratulations,’Isaid,

indicatingherbelly.Iwanted

tosaysomethingelse,butI

couldneverworkoutwhether

itwasappropriatetosaya

heavilypregnantwomanwas

‘large’,‘notlarge’,‘neat’,

‘blooming’,oranyofthe

othereuphemismspeople

seemedtousetodisguise

whattheywantedtosay,

whichwasessentiallyalong

thelinesofBloodyhell.

‘Thankyou.Itwasabitof

asurprise,butavery

welcomeone.’Hergazeslid

awayfromme.Shewas

watchingMrTraynorand

Lily.Hestillhadoneofher

handsencasedinhis,patting

itforemphasis,andwas

tellingheraboutthehouse,

howithadbeenpassed

throughthefamilyforso

manygenerations.‘Would

everyoneliketea?’sheasked.

Andthen,again,‘Steven?

Tea?’

‘Lovely,darling.Thank

you.Lily,doyoudrinktea?’

‘CouldIhavejuice,

please?Orsomewater?’Lily

smiled.

‘I’llhelpyou,’Isaidto

Della.MrTraynorhadbegun

topointoutancestorsinthe

portraitsonthewall,hishand

atLily’selbow,remarkingon

thesimilarityofhernoseto

thisone,orthecolourofher

hairtothatoneoverthere.

Dellawatchedthemfora

moment,andIthoughtI

noticedsomethingcloseto

dismayflickeracrossher

features.Shecaughtme

looking,andsmiledbriskly,

asifembarrassedtohaveher

feelingssonakedlyon

display.‘Thatwouldbe

lovely.Thankyou.’

Wemovedaroundeach

otherinthekitchen,fetching

milk,sugar,ateapot,

exchangingpolitequeries

aboutbiscuits.Istoopedto

getthecupsoutofthe

cupboardwhenDella

couldn’tcomfortablyreach

thatlow,andplacedthemon

thekitchenworktop.New

cups,Inoticed.Amodern,

geometricaldesign,insteadof

thewornfloweryporcelain

herpredecessorhadfavoured,

alldelicatelypaintedwild

herbsandflowerswithLatin

names.AlltracesofMrs

Traynor’sthirty-eight-year

tenurehereseemedtohave

beenswiftlyandruthlessly

erased.

‘Thehouselooks…nice.

Different,’Isaid.

‘Yes.Well,Stevenlosta

lotofhisfurnitureinthe

divorce.Sowehadtochange

thelookabit.’Shereached

fortheteacaddy.‘Helost

thingsthathadbeeninhis

familyforgenerations.Of

course,shetookeverything

shecould.’

Sheflashedmealook,asif

assessingwhetherIcouldbe

consideredanally.

‘Ihaven’tspokentoMrs

…CamillasinceWill…’I

said,feelingoddlydisloyal.

‘So.Stevensaidthisgirl

justturneduponyour

doorstep.’Hersmilewas

smallandfixed.

‘Yes.Itwasasurprise.But

I’vemetLily’smother,and

she…well,shewas

obviouslyclosetoWillfor

sometime.’

Dellaputherhandtothe

smallofherback,thenturned

backtothekettle.Mumhad

saidsheheadedasmall

solicitors’practiceinthenext

town.You’vegottowonder

aboutawomanwhohasn’t

beenmarriedbythirty,she

hadsaidsniffily,andthen,

afteraquicklookinmy

direction,Forty.Imeant

forty.

‘Whatdoyouthinkshe

wants?’

‘I’msorry?’

‘Whatdoyouthinkshe

wants?Thegirl?’

IcouldhearLilyinthe

hall,askingquestions,

childishandinterested,and

feltoddlyprotective.‘Idon’t

thinkshewantsanything.She

justdiscoveredshehada

fathershehadn’tknown

aboutandwantstogetto

knowhisfamily.Herfamily.’

Dellawarmedandemptied

theteapot,measuredoutthe

tea-leaves(loose,Inoted,just

asMrsTraynorwouldhave

had).Shepouredtheboiling

waterslowly,carefulnotto

splashherself.‘Ihaveloved

Stevenforaverylongtime.

He–he–hashadaveryhard

timethislastyearorso.It

wouldbe…’shedidn’tlook

atmeasshespoke‘…very

difficultforhimifLilywere

tocomplicatehislifeatthis

point.’

‘Idon’tthinkLilywantsto

complicateeitherofyour

lives,’Isaidcarefully.‘ButI

dothinkshehasarightto

knowherowngrandfather.’

‘Ofcourse,’shesaid

smoothly,thatautomatic

smileinplace.Irealized,in

thatinstant,thatIhadfailed

someinternaltest,andalso

thatIdidn’tcare.Andthen,

withafinalmurmuredcheck

ofthetray,Dellapickeditup

and,acceptingmyofferto

bringthecakeandtheteapot,

carrieditthroughtothe

drawingroom.

‘Andhowareyou,Louisa?’

MrTraynorleanedbackin

hiseasychair,abroadsmile

breakinghissaggyfeatures.

HehadtalkedtoLilyalmost

constantlythroughouttea,

askingquestionsabouther

mother,whereshelived,what

shewasstudying(shedidn’t

tellhimabouttheproblemsat

school),whethershe

preferredfruitcakeor

chocolate(‘Chocolate?Me

too!’)orginger(no),and

cricket(notreally–‘Well,

we’llhavetodosomething

aboutthat!’).Heseemed

reassuredbyher,byher

likenesstohisson.Atthat

point,heprobablywouldn’t

havecaredifshehad

announcedthathermother

wasaBrazilianlap-dancer.

Iwatchedhimsneaking

looksatLily,whenshewas

talking,studyingherin

profile,asifperhapshecould

seeWilltheretoo.Other

timesIcaughtaflickerof

melancholyinhisexpression.

Isuspectedthathewas

thinkingwhatIhadthought:

thisnewgriefthathisson

wouldneverknowher.Then

hewouldalmostvisiblypull

himselftogether,forcing

himselfalittlemoreupright,

areadysmilebackuponhis

face.

Hehadwalkedheraround

thegroundsforhalfanhour,

exclaimingwhenthey

returnedthatLilyhadfound

herwayoutofthemaze‘on

yourfirstgo!Itmustbea

geneticthing.’Lilyhad

smiledasbroadlyifshehad

wonaprize.

‘And,Louisa?Whatis

happeninginyourlife?’

‘I’mfine,thankyou.’

‘Areyoustillworkingasa

…carer?’

‘No.I–Iwenttravelling

forabit,andnowI’m

workingatanairport.’

‘Oh!Good!British

Airways,Ihope?’

Ifeltmycheekscolour.

‘Management,isit?’

‘Iworkinabar.Atthe

airport.’

Hehesitated,justafraction

ofasecond,andnodded

firmly.‘Peoplealwaysneed

bars.Especiallyatairports.I

alwayshaveadoublewhisky

beforeIgetonaplane,don’t

I,darling?’

‘Yes,youdo,’replied

Della.

‘AndIsupposeitmustbe

ratherinterestingwatching

everyoneflyoffeveryday.

Exciting.’

‘Ihaveotherthingsinthe

pipeline.’

‘Ofcourseyoudo.Good.

Good…’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘Whenisthebabydue?’I

said,toshifteverybody’s

attentionawayfromme.

‘Nextmonth,’saidDella,

herhandsrestingontheswell

ofherbelly.‘It’sagirl.’

‘Howlovely.Whatareyou

goingtocallher?’

Theyexchangedthe

glancesthatparents-to-bedo

whentheyhavechosena

namebutdon’twanttotell

anyone.

‘Oh…wedon’tknow.’

‘Feelsmostodd.Tobea

fatheragain,atmyage.Can’t

quiteimagineit.Youknow,

changingnappies,thatsortof

thing.’HeglancedatDella,

thenaddedreassuringly,‘It’s

marvellous,though.I’ma

veryluckyman.We’reboth

verylucky,aren’twe,Della?’

Shesmiledathim.

‘I’msure,’Isaid.‘How’s

Georgina?’

PerhapsonlyIwouldhave

noticedhowMrTraynor’s

expressionchanged,justa

degree.‘Oh,she’sfine.Still

inAustralia,youknow.’

‘Right.’

‘Shedidcomeoverafew

monthsago…butshespent

mostofhertimewithher

mother.Shewasverybusy.’

‘Ofcourse.’

‘Ithinkshe’sgota

boyfriend.I’msuresomeone

toldmeshehadaboyfriend.

Sothat’s…that’snice.’

Della’shandreached

acrossandtouchedhis.

‘Who’sGeorgina?’Lily

waseatingabiscuit.

‘Will’syoungersister,’

saidMrTraynor,turningto

her.‘Youraunt!Yes!Infact,

shelookedalittlelikeyou

whenshewasyourage.’

‘CanIseeapicture?’

‘I’llfindyouone.’Mr

Traynorrubbedthesideofhis

face.‘I’mtryingtoremember

whereweputthatgraduation

photo.’

‘Yourstudy,’saidDella.

‘Staythere,darling.I’llgetit.

Goodformetokeep

moving.’Sheleveredherself

outofthesofaandwalked

heavilyoutoftheroom.Lily

insistedongoingwithher.‘I

wanttoseetherestofthe

photographs.Iwanttosee

whoIlooklike.’

MrTraynorwatchedthem

go,stillsmiling.Wesatand

sippedourteainsilence.He

turnedtome.‘Haveyou

spokentoheryet?…

Camilla?’

‘Idon’tknowwhereshe

lives.Iwasgoingtoaskyou

forherdetails.IknowLily

wantstomeether,too.’

‘She’shadadifficulttime

ofit.Georgesaysso,anyway.

Wehaven’treallyspoken.It’s

allabitcomplicatedbecause

of…’Henoddedtowardsthe

doorandletoutanalmost

imperceptiblesigh.

‘Wouldyouliketotellher?

AboutLily?’

‘Oh,no.Oh…No.I–I’m

notsureshe’dreallywant…’

Heranahandoverhisbrow.

‘Probablybetterifyoudoit.’

Hecopiedouttheaddress

andphonenumberonapiece

ofpaperandhandedittome.

‘It’ssomedistanceaway,’he

noted,andsmiled

apologetically.‘Thinkshe

wantedafreshstart.Giveher

mybest,won’tyou?It’sodd

…tofinallyhavea

grandchild,inthese

circumstances.’Helowered

hisvoice.‘Funnilyenough,

Camillaistheonlyperson

whocouldreallyunderstand

howI’mfeelingrightnow.’

Ifhehadbeenanybody

elseImighthavehuggedhim

justthen,butwewere

Englishandhehadoncebeen

mybossofsorts,sowe

simplysmiledawkwardlyat

eachother.Andpossibly

wishedweweresomewhere

else.

MrTraynorstraightenedin

hischair.‘Still.I’malucky

man.Anewstart,atmyage.

NotsureIreallydeserveit.’

‘I’mnotsurehappinessisa

matterofwhatyoudeserve.’

‘Andyou?Iknowyou

wereveryfondofWill…’

‘He’sahardacttofollow.’

Iwasconsciousofalumpin

mythroat.Whenitcleared,

MrTraynorwasstilllooking

atme.

‘Mysonwasallabout

living,Louisa.Idon’tneedto

tellyouthat.’

‘That’sthething,though,

isn’tit?’

Hewaited.

‘Hewasjustbetteratit

thantherestofus.’

‘You’llgetthere,Louisa.

Weallgetthere.Inour

ways.’Hetouchedmyelbow,

hisexpressionsoft.

Della,arrivingbackinthe

room,begantoloadthetray,

stackingthecupsso

ostentatiouslythatitcould

onlyhavebeenasignal.

‘We’dbettergetgoing,’I

saidtoLily,standingasshe

camein,holdingoutthe

framedphotograph.

‘Shedoeslooklikeme,

doesn’tshe?Doyouthinkour

eyesareabitthesame?Do

youthinkshe’dwanttospeak

tome?Issheonemail?’

‘I’msureshewill,’saidMr

Traynor.‘Butifyoudon’t

mind,Lily,I’llspeaktoher

myselffirst.It’squitebig

newsforusalltodigest.Best

giveherafewdaystoget

usedtoit.’

‘Okay.SowhencanI

comeandstay?’

Tomyright,Iheardthe

clatterofDellaalmost

droppingacup.Shestooped

slightly,rightingitonthe

tray.

‘Stay?’MrTraynorbent

forward,asifheweren’tsure

he’dheardhercorrectly.

‘Well.You’remy

grandfather.Ithoughtmaybe

Icouldcomeandstayforthe

restofthesummer?Getto

knowyou.We’vegotso

muchtocatchupon,haven’t

we?’Herfacewasalightwith

anticipation.

MrTraynorlookedtowards

Della,whoseexpression

haltedwhateverhemight

havebeenabouttosay.

‘Itwouldbelovelytohave

youatsomepoint,’Della

said,holdingthetrayinfront

ofher,‘butwehaveother

thingsgoingonjustnow.’

‘It’sDella’sfirstchild,you

see.Ithinkshe’dlike–’

‘Ijustneedalittletimeby

myselfwithSteven.Andthe

baby.’

‘Icouldhelp.I’mreally

goodwithbabies,’Lilysaid.

‘Iusedtolookaftermy

brothersallthetimewhen

theywerebabies.Andthey

wereawful.Reallyhorrible

babies.Theyscreamed,like,

allthetime.’

MrTraynorlookedat

Della.‘I’msureyou’llbe

simplybrilliant,Lilydarling,’

hesaid.‘It’sjustthatright

nowisnotaverygoodtime.’

‘Butyou’vegotloadsof

room.Icanjuststayinoneof

theguestrooms.Youwon’t

evenknowI’mhere.I’llbe

reallyhelpfulwithnappies

andstuffandIcouldbabysit

soyoucouldstillgoout.I

couldjust…’Lilytrailedoff.

Sheglancedfromonetothe

other,waiting.

‘Lily…’Isaid,hovering

uncomfortablynearthedoor.

‘Youdon’twantmehere.’

MrTraynorstepped

forward,madeasiftoputa

handonhershoulder.‘Lily

darling.That’snot–’

Sheduckedaway.‘You

liketheideaofhavinga

granddaughter,butyoudon’t

actuallywantmeinyourlife.

Youjust–youjustwanta

visitor.’

‘It’sthetiming,Lily,’said

Della,calmly.‘It’sjust–

well,Iwaitedalongtimefor

Steven–yourgrandfather–

andthistimewithourbabyis

veryprecioustous.’

‘AndI’mnot.’

‘That’snotitatall.’Mr

Traynormovedtowardsher

again.

Shebattedhimoff.‘Oh,

God,you’reallthesame.You

andyourperfectlittle

families,allclosedoff.

Nobodyhasanyroomfor

me.’

‘Oh,comeon.Let’snotbe

dramaticabout–’Della

began.

‘Getlost,’Lilyspat.And

asDellashrankback,andMr

Traynor’seyeswidenedin

shock,sheran,andIleftthem

inthesilentdrawingroomto

raceafterher.

C H A P T E R T E N

IemailedNathan.Theanswer

cameback:

Lou,haveyoustartedon

strongmeds?WTAF?

Isenthimasecondemail,

fillinginalittlemoredetail,

andhisnormalequanimity

seemedtoreturn.

Well,theolddog.Stillhad

somesurprisesforus,eh?

Ididn’thearfromLilyfor

twodays.Halfofmewas

concerned,theotheratinybit

relievedjusttohaveabrief

interludeofcalm.Iwondered

if,onceshewasfreeofany

fairytaleideasaboutWill’s

family,shemightbemore

inclinedtobuildbridgeswith

herown.ThenIwondered

whetherMrTraynorwould

callherdirectlytosmooth

thingsover.AndIwondered

whereLilywas,andwhether

herabsenceinvolvedthe

youngmanwhohadstood

andwatchedherinmy

doorway.Therehadbeen

somethingabouthim–about

Lily’sevasivenesswhenI

askedabouthim–thathad

stayedwithme.

Ihadthoughtalotabout

Sam,regrettingmyrapidexit.

Withhindsight,ithadall

seemedabitoveremotional

andweird,runningaway

fromhimlikethat.Imust

haveseemedtheexactperson

IkeptprotestingIwasn’t.I

resolvedthatthenexttimeI

sawhimoutsidetheMoving

OnCircleIwouldreactvery

calmly,perhapssayhello

withanenigmatic,non-

depressed-personsmile.

Worksaggedanddragged.

Anewgirlhadstarted:Vera,

asternLithuanian,who

completedallthebar’stasks

wearingthekindofpeculiar

half-smileofsomeone

contemplatingthefactthat

theyhadplantedadirtybomb

nearby.Shecalledallmen

‘filthy,filthybeasts’when

outofearshotofRichard.

Hehadbegungiving

morning‘motivational’chats,

afterwhichweallhadto

pumptheairandjumpand

shout,‘YEAH!’which

alwaysdislodgedmycurly

wig,atwhichhewould

frown,asifitwassomehowa

failureindicativeofmy

personality,notaninbuilt

hazardofwearinganylon

hairpiecethatdidn’tactually

sticktomyhead.Vera’swig

stayedimmobileonhers.

Perhapsitwastooafraidto

falloff.

OnenightwhenIgothome

Ididaninternetsearchon

teenagers’problems,tryingto

workoutwhetherIcouldhelp

torepairthedamageofthe

weekend.Butithadquitea

lotonhormonalbreakouts

andnothingonwhattodo

whenyouhadintroduceda

sixteen-year-oldyouhadjust

mettoherdeadquadriplegic

father’ssurvivingfamily.At

halfpasttenIgaveup,gazed

aroundatthebedroomin

whichhalfmyclotheswere

stillstoredinboxes,promised

myselfthatthiswouldbethe

weekIdidsomethingabout

it,andthen,havingreassured

myselfthatItotallywould,

fellasleep.

Iwaswokenathalfpasttwo

inthemorningbythesound

ofsomeonetryingtoforce

myfrontdoor.Istumbledout

ofbed,grabbedamop,then

putmyeyetothespy-hole,

myheartthumping.‘I’m

callingthepolice!’Iyelled.

‘Whatdoyouwant?’

‘It’sLily.Duh.’Shefell

throughthedoorasIopened

it,halflaughing,reekingof

cigarettes,hermascara

smearedaroundhereyes.

Iwrappedmydressing-

gownaroundmyself,and

lockedthedoorbehindher.

‘Jesus,Lily.It’sthemiddleof

thenight.’

‘Doyouwanttogo

dancing?Ithoughtwecould

godancing.Ilovedancing.

Actually,that’snotentirely

true.Idolikedancingbut

that’snotwhyI’mhere.Mum

wouldn’tletmein.They’ve

changedthelocks.Canyou

believeit?’

Iwastemptedtoanswer

that,withmyalarmclockset

forsixa.m.,funnilyenough,I

could.

Lilybumpedheavily

againstthewall.‘She

wouldn’tevenopenthe

stupiddoor.Justshouted

throughtheletterboxatme.

LikeIwassomekindof…

vagrant.So…IthoughtI’d

stayhere.Orwecouldgo

dancing…’Sheswayedpast

meandheadedforthemusic

system,wheresheturnedup

thesoundtoadeafening

level.Iracedtowardsitto

turnitdown,butshegrabbed

myhand.‘Let’sdance,

Louisa!Youneedtobust

somemoves!You’resosad

allthetime!Cutloose!

C’mon!’

Iwrenchedmyhandaway,

andrushedtothevolume

button,justintimeforthe

firstthumpsofoutrageto

landfromdownstairs.WhenI

turned,Lilyhaddisappeared

intothespareroom,where

sheteeteredandfinally

collapsed,facedown,onthe

campbed.

‘Oh.My.God.Thisbedis

soooooorubbish.’

‘Lily?Youcan’tjustcome

inhereand–Oh,forGod’s

sake.’

‘Justforaminute,’came

themuffledanswer.‘Literally

astopover.AndthenI’m

goingdancing.We’regoing

dancing.’

‘Lily.Ihavework

tomorrowmorning.’

‘Iloveyou,Louisa.DidI

tellyouthat?Ireallydolove

you.You’retheonlyonewho

…’

‘Youcan’tjustcollapse

herelike–’

‘Mmph…disconap…’

Shedidn’tmove.

Itouchedhershoulder.

‘Lily…Lily?’

Sheletoutasmallsnore.

Isighed,waitedafew

minutes,thencarefully

removedhertattypumps,and

thecontentsofherpocket

(cigarettes,mobilephone,a

crumpledfiver),whichItook

intomyroom.Iproppedher

onhersideintherecovery

position,andfinally,wide

awakeatthreea.m.,knowing

Iwouldprobablynotsleep

forfearshewouldchoke,sat

onthechair,towatchher.

Lily’sfacewaspeaceful.

Thewaryscowlandthe

manic,overeagersmilehad

stilledintosomething

unearthlyandbeautiful,her

hairfannedaroundher

shoulders.Maddeningasher

behaviourwas,Icouldn’tbe

angry.Ikeptrecallingthe

hurtonherfacethatSunday.

Lilywasmypolaropposite.

Shedidn’tnurseahurt,or

containit.Shelashedout,got

drunk,didGod-knew-whatto

trytoforget.Shewasmore

likeherfatherthanI’d

thought.

Whatwouldyouhavemade

ofthis,Will?Iaskedhim

silently.

But,justasIhadstruggled

tohelphim,Ididn’tknow

whattodoforher.Ididn’t

knowhowtomakeitbetter.

Ithoughtofmysister’s

words:Youwon’tbeableto

cope,youknow.Andjustfor

afewstill,pre-dawn

moments,Ihatedherfor

beingright.

Wedevelopedaroutineof

sorts,inwhichLilywould

turnuptoseemeeveryfew

days.Iwasnevercertain

whichLilyIwouldfindatmy

door:manicallycheerfulLily,

demandingthatwegooutand

eatatthisrestaurantorlook

atthetotallygorgeouscat

outsideonthewall

downstairs,ordanceinthe

livingroomtosomeband

she’djustdiscovered;or

subdued,waryLily,who

wouldnodasilentgreeting

onherwayin,thenlieonmy

sofaandwatchtelevision.

Sometimesshewouldask

randomquestionsaboutWill

–whatprogrammesdidhe

like?(Hebarelywatched

television;hepreferred

films.)Didhehavea

favouritefruit?(Seedless

grapes.Redones.)Whenwas

thelasttimeI’dseenhim

laugh?(Hedidn’tlaugh

much.Buthissmile…I

couldpictureitnow,arare

flashofevenwhiteteeth,his

eyescrinkling.)Iwasnever

surewhethershefoundmy

answerssatisfactory.

Andthen,everytendaysor

so,therewasdrunkLily,or

worse(Iwasneversure),who

wouldhammeronmydoorin

thesmallhours,ignoringmy

protestsabouttimeandlost

sleep,stumblepastmewith

mascara-smudgedcheeksand

missingshoesandpassouton

thelittlecampbed,refusing

towakewhenIleftinthe

morning.

Sheseemedtohaveno

hobbies,andfewfriends.She

wouldtalktoanyoneinthe

street,askingfavourswiththe

unembarrassedinsoucianceof

aferalkid.Butshewouldn’t

answerthephoneathome

andseemedtoexpect

everyoneshemettodislike

her.

Giventhatmostprivate

schoolshadfinishedforthe

summer,Iaskedherwhere

shewaswhenshewasn’tat

myflatorvisitinghermother,

andafterabriefpause,she

said,‘Martin’s.’WhenI

askedifhewasherboyfriend,

shepulledtheuniversal

teenagefaceinresponsetoan

adultwhohadsaidsomething

notjustspectacularlystupid

butrevolting,too.

Sometimesshewouldbe

angry,atothersrude.ButI

couldneverrefuseher.

Chaoticasherbehaviourwas,

Igotthefeelingmyflatwasa

safehaven.Ifoundmyself

searchingforclues:

examiningherphonefor

messages(pin-locked),her

pocketsfordrugs(none,apart

fromthatonejoint)andonce,

tenminutesaftershehad

comein,tear-stainedand

drunk,staringdownatthecar

outsidemyblock,itshorn

blaringintermittentlyforthe

bestpartofthree-quartersof

anhour.Eventuallyoneof

myneighbourswent

downstairsandthumpedon

thewindowsohardthatthe

occupanthaddrivenoff.

‘Youknow,I’mnot

judging,butit’snotagood

ideatogetsodrunkthatyou

don’tknowwhatyou’re

doing,Lily,’Isaidone

morning,asImadeusboth

coffee.Lilyspentsomuch

timewithmenowthatI’d

hadtoadjustthewayIlived:

shoppingfortwo,pickingup

messthatwasn’tmyown,

makingtwicethehotdrinks,

rememberingtolockthe

bathroomdoortoavoid

shrieksofOh,myGod.

Gross!

‘Youaretotallyjudging.

That’sexactlywhat“it’snota

goodidea”means.’

‘I’mserious.’

‘DoItellyouhowtolive

yourlife?DoItellyouthat

thisflatisdepressing,and

youdresslikesomeonewho

haslostthewilltolive,apart

fromwhenyou’rebeinga

gammy-leggedpornopixie?

DoI?DoI?No.Idon’tsay

anything,sojustleaveme

alone.’

Iwantedtotellherthen.I

wantedtotellherwhathad

happenedtomenineyears

previously,onanightwhenI

haddrunktoomuch,andhow

mysisterhadledmehome,

shoelessandcryingsilently,

intheearlyhours.Butshe

wouldnodoubtgreetitwith

thesamechildishscornwith

whichshegreetedmostofmy

revelations,anditwasa

conversationIhadonlyever

managedtohavewithone

person.Andhewasn’there

anymore.‘It’salsonotfairto

wakemeupinthemiddleof

thenight.Ihavetogetup

earlyforwork.’

‘Sogivemeakey.ThenI

won’twakeyouup,willI?’

Sheblastedmewiththat

winningsmile.Itwasrare

anddazzling,andenoughlike

Will’sthatIfoundmyself

givingthekeytoher.Evenas

Ihandeditover,Iknewwhat

mysisterwouldsay.

IspoketoMrTraynortwice

duringthattime.Hewas

anxioustoknowLilywas

well,hadstartedtoworry

aboutwhatshewasgoingto

dowithherlife.‘Imean,

she’splainlyabrightgirl.It’s

notagoodideaforherto

dropoutofschoolatsixteen.

Doherparentsnothave

anythingtosayaboutit?’

‘Theydon’tseemtospeak

verymuch.’

‘ShouldIhaveawordwith

them?Doyouthinksheneeds

auniversityfund?Ihaveto

say,thingsareatadtighter

thantheyweresincethe

divorce,butWillleftafair

bit.SoIthoughtthatmightbe

…anappropriateuseforit.’

Heloweredhisvoice.‘It

mightbewise,though,forus

nottomentionanythingto

Dellajustnow.Idon’twant

hergettingthewrongidea.’

Iresistedtheurgetoask

whattherightideamightbe.

‘Louisa,doyouthinkyou

couldpersuadeLilytocome

back?Ikeepthinkingabout

her.I’dlikeustoalltry

again.IknowDellawould

lovetogettoknowherbetter

too.’

IrememberedDella’s

expressionaswehadtiptoed

aroundeachotherinthe

kitchen,andwondered

whetherMrTraynorwas

wilfullyblindorjustan

eternaloptimist.

‘I’lltry,’Ipromised.

Thereisapeculiarsortof

silenceinaflatwhenyouare

onyourowninacityonahot

summerweekend.Iwason

earlies,finishedmyshiftat

four,arrivedhomebyfive,

exhausted,andwassecretly

gratefulthat,forafewbrief

hours,Ihadmyhometo

myself.Ishowered,atesome

toast,tookalookonlineto

seeiftherewereanyjobsthat

eitherpaidmorethanthe

minimumwageorwerenot

zero-hourscontracts,thensat

inthelivingroomwithallthe

windowsopentoencouragea

breeze,listeningtothesounds

ofthecityfilteringinonthe

warmair.

Mostofthetime,Iwas

reasonablycontentwithmy

life.Ihadbeentoenough

groupsessionsnowtoknow

thatitwasimportanttobe

gratefulforsimplepleasures.

Iwashealthy.Ihadmy

familyagain.Iwasworking.

IfIhadn’tmadepeacewith

Will’sdeath,Ididatleastfeel

likeImightbecrawlingout

fromunderitsshadow.

Andyet.

Oneveningslikethis,

whenthestreetsbelowwere

filledwithcouplesstrolling,

andlaughingpeoplespilled

outofpubs,alreadyplanning

meals,nightsout,tripsto

clubs,somethingachedinside

me;somethingprimaltelling

methatIwasinthewrong

place,thatIwasmissing

something.

Thesewerethemoments

whenIfeltmostleftbehind.

Itidiedupalittle,washed

myuniform,andthen,justas

Iwassinkingintoakindof

quietmelancholy,mybuzzer

went.Istoodandpickedup

theentry-phonewearily,

expectingarequestfor

directionsfromaUPSdriver,

orsomemisdirected

Hawaiianpizza,butinsteadI

heardaman’svoice.

‘Louisa?’

‘Whoisthis?’Isaid,

thoughIknewimmediately

whoitwas.

‘Sam.AmbulanceSam.I

wasjustpassingontheway

homefromwork,andIjust

…Well,youleftinsucha

hurrytheothernight,I

thoughtI’dmakesureyou

wereokay.’

‘Afortnightlater?Icould

havebeeneatenbycatsby

now.’

‘I’mguessingyou

weren’t.’

‘Idon’thaveacat.’Ashort

silence.‘ButI’mfine,

AmbulanceSam.Thanks.’

‘Great…That’sgoodto

hear.’

Ishifted,soIcouldseehim

throughthegrainyblackand

whiteofthelittleentryvideo

screen.Hewaswearinga

bikerjacketinsteadofhis

paramedicuniform,andhad

onehandrestingagainstthe

wall,whichhenowremoved,

andturnedtofacetheroad.I

sawhimletoutabreath,and

thatsmallmotionprompted

metospeak.‘So…whatare

youupto?’

‘Notmuch.Tryingand

failingtochatsomeoneup

throughanentry-phone,

mostly.’

Mylaughwastooquick.

Tooloud.‘Igaveuponthat

agesago,’Isaid.‘Itmakes

buyingthemadrinkreally,

reallyhard.’

Isawhimlaugh.Ilooked

aroundatmysilentflat.AndI

spokebeforeIcouldthink:

‘Staythere.I’llcomedown.’

Iwasgoingtobringmycar,

butwhenheheldoutaspare

motorbikehelmet,itseemed

prissytoinsistonmyown

transport.Istuffedmykeys

intomypocketandstood

waitingforhimtomotionme

aboard.

‘You’reaparamedic.And

yourideamotorbike.’

‘Iknow.But,asvicesgo,

she’sprettymuchtheonly

oneIhaveleft.’Hegrinned

wolfishly.Somethinginside

melurchedunexpectedly.

‘Youdon’tfeelsafewith

me?’

Therewasnoappropriate

answertothatquestion.Iheld

hisgazeandclimbedontothe

back.Ifhedidanything

dangeroushehadtheskillsto

patchmeupagainafterwards.

‘SowhatdoIdo?’Isaid,

asIpulledthehelmetover

myhead.‘I’veneverbeenon

oneofthesebefore.’

‘Holdontothose

handlebarsontheseat,and

justmovewiththebike.

Don’tbraceagainstme.If

you’renothappy,tapmeon

theshoulderandI’llstop.’

‘Wherearewegoing?’

‘Youanygoodatinterior

decorating?’

‘Hopeless.Why?’

Hefireduptheignition.‘I

thoughtI’dshowyoumynew

house.’

Andthenwewereinthe

traffic,weavinginandoutof

thecarsandlorries,following

signstothemotorway.Ihad

toshutmyeyes,pressmyself

againsthisbackandhopethat

hecouldn’thearmesqueal.

Wewentouttotheveryedge

ofthecity,aplacewherethe

gardensgrewlarger,then

morphedintofields,and

houseshadnamesinsteadof

numbers.Wecamethrougha

villagethatwasn’tquite

separatefromtheonebefore

it,andSamslowedthebikeat

afieldgateandfinallycutthe

engine,motioningformeto

climboff.Iremovedthe

helmet,myheartstill

thumpinginmyears,and

triedtoliftmysweatyhair

frommyheadwithfingers

thatwerestillstifffrom

grippingthepillion

handlebars.

Samopenedthegate,and

usheredmethrough.Halfthe

fieldwasgrassland,theother

anirregularmessofconcrete

andbreezeblocks.Inthe

cornerbeyondthebuilding

work,shelteredbyahigh

hedge,stoodarailway

carriageand,besideit,a

chickenruninwhichseveral

birdsstoppedtolook

expectantlytowardsus.

‘Myhouse.’

‘Nice!’Iglancedaround.

‘Um…whereisit?’

Sambegantowalkdown

thefield.‘There.That’sthe

foundations.Tookmethe

bestpartofthreemonthsto

getthosedown.’

‘Youlivehere?’

‘Yup.’

Istaredattheconcrete

slabs.WhenIlookedathim,

somethinginhisexpression

mademebitebackwhatI

wasgoingtosay.Irubbedat

myhead.‘So…areyougoing

tostandthereallevening?Or

areyougoingtogivemea

guidedtour?’

Bathedintheeveningsun,

andsurroundedbythescents

ofgrassandlavender,andthe

lazyhumofthebees,we

walkedslowlyfromoneslab

toanother,Sampointingto

wherethewindowsanddoors

wouldbe.‘Thisisthe

bathroom.’

‘Bitdraughty.’

‘Yeah.Ineedtodo

somethingaboutthat.Watch

out.That’snotactuallya

doorway.Youjustwalked

intotheshower.’

Hesteppedoverapileof

breezeblocksontoanother

largegreyslab,holdingout

hishandsothatIcouldstep

safelyoverthemtoo.‘And

here’sthelivingroom.Soif

youlookthroughthat

windowthere,’heheldhis

fingersinasquare,‘youget

theviewsoftheopen

countryside.’

Ilookedoutatthe

shimmeringlandscapebelow.

Ifeltasifwewereamillion

milesoutofthecity,notten.I

tookadeepbreath,enjoying

theunexpectednessofitall.

‘It’snice,butIthinkyour

sofa’sinthewrongplace,’I

said.‘Youneedtwo.One

here,andmaybeonethere.

AndI’mguessingyouhavea

windowhere?’

‘Oh,yes.Gottobedual

aspect.’

‘Hmm.Plusyoutotally

needtorethinkyourstorage.’

Thecrazythingwas,

withinafewminutesofour

walkingandtalking,Icould

actuallyseethehouse.I

followedthelineofSam’s

hands,ashegesturedtowards

invisiblefireplaces,

summonedstaircasesoutof

hisimagination,drewlines

acrossinvisibleceilings.I

couldseeitsover-height

windows,thebanistersthata

friendofhiswouldcarve

fromagedoak.

‘It’sgoingtobelovely,’I

said,whenwehadconjured

thelasten-suite.

‘Inabouttenyears.But,

yup,Ihopeso.’

Igazedaroundthefield,

takinginthevegetablepatch,

thechickenrun,thebirdsong.

‘Ihavetotellyou,thisisnot

whatIexpected.Youaren’t

temptedto,youknow,get

buildersin?’

‘Iprobablywilleventually.

ButIlikedoingit.It’sgood

forthesoul,buildinga

house.’Heshrugged.‘When

youspendalldaypatchingup

stabwoundsandover-

confidentcyclistsandthe

wiveswhosehusbandshave

usedthemasapunch-bagand

thekidswithchronicasthma

fromthedamp…’

‘…andthedaftwomen

whofalloffrooftops.’

‘Thosetoo.’Hegestured

towardstheconcretemixer,

thepilesofbricks.‘Idothis

soIcanlivewiththat.Beer?’

Heclimbedintotherailway

carriage,motioningformeto

joinhim.

Itwasnolongeracarriage

inside.Ithadasmall,

immaculatelylaid-outkitchen

area,andanL-shaped

upholsteredseatattheend,

thoughitstillcarriedthefaint

smellofbeeswaxandtweedy

passengers.‘Idon’tlike

mobilehomes,’hesaid,asif

inexplanation.Hewavedto

theseat,‘Sit,’thenpulleda

coldbeerfromthefridge,

crackingitopenandhanding

methebottle.Hesetakettle

onthestoveforhimself.

‘You’renotdrinking?’

Heshookhishead.‘I

foundafteracoupleofyears

onthejobthatI’dcomehome

andhaveadrinktorelax.

Andthenitwastwo.And

thenIfoundIcouldn’trelax

untilI’dhadthosetwo,or

maybethree.’Heopeneda

caddy,droppedateabaginto

amug.‘AndthenI…lost

someoneclosetome,andI

decidedthateitherIstopped

orIwouldneverstop

drinkingagain.’Hedidn’t

lookatmewhilehesaidthis,

justmovedaroundthe

railwaycarriage,abulky,yet

oddlygracefulpresence

withinitsnarrowwalls.‘Ido

havetheoddbeer,butnot

tonight.I’mdrivingyou

homelater.’

Commentslikethattook

theweirdnessoutofsittingin

arailwaycarriagewithaman

Ididn’treallyknow.How

couldyoumaintainareserve

withsomeonewhohad

tendedyourbroken,partially

unclothedbody?Howcould

youfeelanxiousarounda

manwhohadalreadytold

youofhisplantotakeyou

homeagain?Itwasasifthe

mannerofourfirstmeeting

hadremovedthenormal,

awkwardobstaclestogetting

toknowsomeone.Hehad

seenmeinmyunderwear.

Hell,hehadseenundermy

actualskin.ItmeantIfeltat

easearoundSaminawayI

didn’twithanyoneelse.

Thecarriageremindedme

ofthegypsycaravansIhad

readaboutinchildhood,

whereeverythinghadaplace,

andtherewasorderina

confinedspace.Itwas

homey,butaustere,and

unmistakablymale.Itsmelt

agreeablyofsun-warmed

wood,soapandbacon.A

freshstart,Iguessed.I

wonderedwhathadhappened

tohisandJake’soldhome.

‘So…um…whatdoesJake

thinkofit?’

Hesatdownattheother

endofthebenchwithhistea.

‘HethoughtIwasmadat

first.Nowhequitelikesit.

Hedoestheanimalswhen

I’monshift.InreturnI’ve

promisedtoteachhimto

drivearoundthefieldoncehe

turnsseventeen.’Helifteda

mug.‘Godhelpme.’

Iraisedmybeerinreturn.

Perhapsitwasthe

unexpectedpleasureofbeing

outonawarmFridayevening

withamanwhoheldyour

eyeashespokeandhadthe

kindofhairyouslightly

wantedtorufflewithyour

fingers,ormaybeitwasjust

thesecondbeer,butIfinally

startedtoenjoymyself.Itgot

stuffyinthecarriage,sowe

movedoutsideontotwofold-

upchairs,andIwatchedthe

chickenspeckaroundinthe

grass,whichwasoddly

restful,andlistenedtoSam’s

talesofobesepatients,who

requiredfourteamstolift

themoutoftheirhomes,and

younggangmembers,who

triedtoattackeachothereven

astheywerebeingstitchedup

inthebackofhisrig.Aswe

talkedIfoundmyself

sneakingsurreptitiousglances

athim,atthewayhishands

heldhismug,athis

unexpectedsmiles,which

causedthreeperfectlinesto

spanoutfromthecornerof

eacheyeasiftheyhadbeen

drawnwithfine-point

precision.

Hetoldmeabouthis

parents:hisfatheraretired

fireman,hismothera

nightclubsinger,whohad

givenuphercareerforher

children.(‘Ithinkit’swhy

youroutfitspoketome.I’m

comfortablewithglitter.’)He

didn’tmentionhislatewife

byname,butobservedthat

hismotherworriedaboutthe

ongoinglackofafeminine

influenceinJake’slife.‘She

comesandscoopshimup

onceamonthandtakeshim

backtoCardiffsosheandher

sisterscancoooverhimand

feedhimupandmakesurehe

hasenoughsocks.’Herested

hiselbowsonhisknees.‘He

moansaboutgoing,buthe

secretlylovesit.’

ItoldhimaboutLily’s

return,andhewincedatmy

taleofhermeetingwiththe

Traynors.Itoldhimabouther

perplexingmoods,andher

erraticbehaviour,andhe

nodded,asifthiswereallto

beexpected.WhenItoldhim

aboutLily’smotherheshook

hishead.‘Justbecause

they’rewealthydoesn’tmake

thembetterparents,’hesaid.

‘Ifshewasonbenefits,that

motherwouldprobablygeta

littlevisitfromSocial

Services.’Heliftedamugto

me.‘It’sanicethingyou’re

doing,LouisaClark.’

‘I’mnotsureI’mdoingit

verywell.’

‘Nobodyeverfeelsthey’re

doingwellwithteenagers,’he

said.‘Ithinkthat’skindof

thepointofthem.’

Itwashardtoreconcilethis

Sam,ateaseinhishome,

caringforhischickens,with

thesobbing,skirt-chasing

versionweheardaboutinthe

MovingOnCircle.ButI

knewverywellhowthe

personayouchosetopresent

totheworldcouldbevery

differentfromwhatwas

inside.Iknewhowgrief

couldmakeyoubehavein

waysyoucouldn’tevenbegin

tounderstand.‘Iloveyour

railwaycarriage,’Isaid.‘And

yourinvisiblehouse.’

‘ThenIhopeyou’llcome

again,’hesaid.

Thecompulsiveshagger.If

thiswashowhepickedup

women,Ithoughtalittle

wistfully,then,boy,hewas

good.Itwasapotentmix:the

gentlemanlygrievingfather,

theraresmiles,thewayhe

couldscoopupahenone-

handedandthehenactually

lookedhappyaboutit.I

wouldnotallowmyselfto

becomeoneofthepsycho-

girlfriends,Itoldmyself

repeatedly.Buttherewasa

sneakingpleasuretobehadin

justflirtinggentlywitha

handsomeman.Itwasniceto

feelsomethingotherthan

anxiety,ormutefury,the

twinemotionsthatseemedto

makeupsomuchofmydaily

life.Theonlyother

encountersI’dhadwiththe

oppositesexoverthelast

severalmonthshadbeen

fuelledbyalcoholandended

withataxiandtearsofself-

loathingintheshower.

Whatdoyouthink,Will?Is

thisokay?

Ithadgrowndarker,and

wewatchedasthechickens

cluckedtheirwayindignantly

intotheircoop.

Samwatchedthem.He

leantbackinhischair.‘Iget

thefeeling,LouisaClark,that

whenyou’retalkingtome

there’sawholeother

conversationgoingon

somewhereelse.’

Iwantedtocomebackwith

asmartanswer.Buthewas

right,andtherewasnothingI

couldsay.

‘YouandI.We’reboth

skirtingaroundsomething.’

‘You’reverydirect.’

‘AndnowI’vemadeyou

uncomfortable.’

‘No.’Iglancedathim.

‘Well,maybe,alittle.’

Behindus,acrowlifted

noisilyintothesky,its

flappingwingssending

vibrationsthroughthestill

air.Ifoughttheurgeto

smoothmyhairandinstead

tookalastswigofmybeer.

‘Okay.Well.Here’sareal

question.Howlongdoyou

thinkittakestogetover

someonedying?Someone

youreallyloved,Imean.’

I’mnotsurewhyIasked

him.Itwasalmostcruelly

blunt,givenhis

circumstances.PerhapsIwas

afraidthatthecompulsive

shaggerwasabouttocome

outtoplay.

Sam’seyeswideneda

little.‘Woah.Well…’he

peereddownathismug,and

thenoutattheshadowyfields

‘…I’mnotsureyoueverdo.’

‘That’scheery.’

‘No.Really.I’vethought

aboutitalot.Youlearnto

livewithit,withthem.

Becausetheydostaywith

you,evenifthey’renot

living,breathingpeopleany

more.It’snotthesame

crushinggriefyoufeltatfirst,

thekindthatswampsyou,

andmakesyouwanttocryin

thewrongplaces,andget

irrationallyangrywithallthe

idiotswhoarestillalivewhen

thepersonyouloveisdead.

It’sjustsomethingyoulearn

toaccommodate.Like

adaptingaroundahole.I

don’tknow.It’slikeyou

become…adoughnut

insteadofabun.’

Therewassuchsadnessin

hisfacethatIfeltsuddenly

guilty.‘Adoughnut.’

‘Stupidanalogy,’hesaid,

withahalf-smile.

‘Ididn’tmeanto–’

Heshookhishead.He

lookedatthegrassbetween

hisfeet,thensidewaysatme.

‘C’mon.Let’sgetyouhome.’

Wewalkedacrossthefield

tohisbike.Theairhad

cooled,andIcrossedmy

armsovermychest.Hesaw,

andhandedmehisjacket,

insistingwhenIsaidIwas

okay.Itwaspleasingly

heavy,andpotentlymale.I

triednottoinhale.

‘Doyoupickupallyour

patientslikethis?’

‘Onlytheliveones.’

Ilaughed.Itcameoutof

meunexpectedly,louderthan

Ihadintended.

‘We’renotreallymeantto

askpatientsoutondates.’He

heldoutthesparehelmet.

‘ButIfigureyou’renotmy

patientanymore.’

Itookit.‘Andthisisn’t

reallyadate.’

‘Itisn’t?’Hegaveasmall,

philosophicalnodasI

climbedaboard.‘Okay.’

C H A P T E R E L E V E N

Thatweek,whenIarrivedat

theMovingOnCircleJake

wasn’tthere.AsDaphne

discussedherinabilityto

openjarswithoutamanin

herkitchen,andSuniltalked

oftheproblemsofdividing

uphisbrother’sfew

belongingsamonghis

remainingsiblings,Ifound

myselfwaitingfortheheavy

reddoorstoopenattheend

ofthechurchhall.Itold

myselfitwashiswelfareI

wasconcernedabout,thathe

neededtobeabletoexpress

hisdiscomfortathisfather’s

behaviourinasafeplace.I

toldmyselffirmlythatitwas

notSamIwashopingtosee,

leaningagainsthisbike.

‘Whatarethesmallthings

thattripyouup,Louisa?’

PerhapsJakehadfinished

withthegroup,Ithought.

Perhapshehaddecidedhe

didn’tneeditanymore.

Peoplediddropout,everyone

said.Andthatwouldbeit.I

wouldneverseeeitherof

themagain.

‘Louisa?Thedailythings?

Theremustbesomething.’

Ikeptthinkingaboutthat

field,theneatconfinesofthe

railwaycarriage,theway

Samhadstrolleddownthe

fieldwithahenunderone

arm,asifhewascarryinga

preciousparcel.Thefeathers

onherchesthadbeenassoft

asawhisper.

Daphnenudgedme.

‘Wewerediscussingthe

smallthingsinday-to-daylife

thatforceyoutocontemplate

loss,’saidMarc.

‘Imisssex,’saidNatasha.

‘That’snotasmallthing,’

repliedWilliam.

‘Youdidn’tknowmy

husband,’saidNatasha,and

snortedalaugh.‘Notreally.

That’saterriblejoketomake.

I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhat

cameoverme.’

‘It’sgoodtojoke,’said

Marc,encouragingly.

‘Olafwasperfectlywell

endowed.Verywell

endowed,infact.’Natasha’s

eyesflickeredaroundus.

Whennobodyspokesheheld

upherhands,afootapart,

andnoddedemphatically.

‘Wewereveryhappy.’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘Good,’saidMarc.‘That’s

nicetohear.’

‘Idon’twantanyone

thinking…Imean,that’snot

whatIwantpeoplethinking

whentheythinkofmy

husband.Thathehadatiny

–’

‘I’msurenobodythinks

thataboutyourhusband.’

‘Iwill,ifyoukeepgoing

onaboutit,’saidWilliam.

‘Idon’twantyouthinking

aboutmyhusband’spenis,’

saidNatasha.‘Infact,Iforbid

youtothinkaboutmy

husband’spenis.’

‘Stopgoingonaboutit

then!’saidWilliam.

‘Canwenottalkabout

penises?’saidDaphne.‘It

makesmegoabitpeculiar.

Thenunsusedtosmackus

withrulersifweevenused

theword“undercarriage”.’

Marc’svoicewasnow

tingedwithdesperation.‘Can

westeertheconversation

awayfrom–backtosymbols

ofloss.Louisa,youwere

abouttotelluswhichsmall

thingsbroughtyourloss

hometoyou.’

Isatthere,tryingtoignore

Natashaholdingupherhands

again,silentlymeasuring

someunlikelyinvisible

length.

‘IthinkImisshaving

someonetodiscussthings

with,’Isaidcarefully.

Therewasamurmurof

agreement.

‘Imean,I’mnotoneof

thosepeoplewhohasa

massivecircleoffriends.I

waswithmylastboyfriend

foragesandwe…wedidn’t

reallygooutmuch.Andthen

therewas…Bill.Wejust

usedtotalkallthetime.

Aboutmusic,andpeople,and

thingswe’ddoneandwanted

todo,andIneverworried

aboutwhetherIwasgoingto

saythewrongthingoroffend

someonebecausehejust

“got”me,youknow?And

nowI’vemovedtoLondon

andI’msortofonmyown,

apartfrommyfamily,and

talkingtothemisalways…

tricky.’

‘Word,’saidSunil.

‘Andnowthere’s

somethinggoingonthatI’d

reallyliketochattohim

about.Italktohiminmy

head,butitisn’tthesame.I

misshavingthat…abilityto

justgo,“Hey,whatdoyou

thinkofthis?”Andknowing

thatwhateverhesaidwas

probablygoingtobetheright

thing.’

Thegroupwassilentfora

minute.

‘Youcantalktous,

Louisa,’saidMarc.

‘It’s…complicated.’

‘It’salwayscomplicated,’

saidLeanne.

Ilookedattheirfaces,kind

andexpectant,and

completelyunlikelyto

understandanythingItold

them.Notreallyunderstand

it.

Daphneadjustedhersilk

scarf.‘WhatLouisaneedsis

anotheryoungmantotalkto.

Ofcourseshedoes.You’re

youngandpretty.You’llfind

someoneelse,’shesaid.‘And

you,Natasha.Getbackout

there.It’stoolateforme,but

youtwoshouldn’tbesitting

inthisdingyoldhall–Sorry,

Marc,buttheyshouldn’t.

Youshouldbeoutdancing,

havingalaugh.’

NatashaandIexchangeda

look.Clearly,shewantedto

gooutdancingaboutasmuch

asIdid.

Ihadasuddenmemoryof

AmbulanceSamandpushed

thethoughtaway.

‘Andifyoueverdowant

anotherpenis,’Williamsaid,

‘I’msureIcouldpencilina

–’

‘Okay,everyone.Let’s

moveontowills,’saidMarc.

‘Anyonesurprisedbywhat

turnedup?’

Igothome,exhausted,ata

quarterpastnine,tofindLily

lyingonthesofainfrontof

thetelevisioninherpyjamas.

Idroppedmybag.‘Howlong

haveyoubeenhere?’

‘Sincebreakfast.’

‘Areyouokay?’

‘Mm.’

Herfaceheldapallorthat

spokeofeitherillnessor

exhaustion.

‘Notfeelingwell?’

Shewaseatingpopcornout

ofabowlandlazilyscooped

herfingersaroundthebottom

ofthebowlforcrumbs.‘Ijust

didn’tfeellikedoing

anythingtoday.’

Lily’sphonebeeped.She

staredlistlesslyatthe

messagethatcamethrough,

thenpusheditawayfromher

underasofacushion.

‘Everythingreallyokay?’I

asked,afteraminute.

‘Fine.’

Shedidn’tlookfine.

‘AnythingIcanhelp

with?’

‘IsaidIwasfine.’

Shedidn’tlookatmeas

shespoke.

Lilyspentthatnightatthe

flat.Thefollowingday,asI

wasleavingforwork,Mr

Traynorrangandaskedto

speaktoher.Shewas

stretchedacrossthesofaand

lookedblanklyupatmewhen

Itoldherwhowasonthe

phone,thenfinally,

reluctantly,heldoutahand

forthereceiver.Istoodthere

asshelistenedtohim.I

couldn’thearhiswords,butI

couldhearhistone:kind,

reassuring,emollient.When

hefinished,sheleftashort

pause,thensaid,‘Okay.

Fine.’

‘Areyougoingtoseehim

again?’Isaid,asshehanded

backthephone.

‘Hewantstocometo

Londontoseeme.’

‘Well,that’snice.’

‘Buthecan’tbetoofar

awayfromherjustnowin

caseshegoesintolabour.’

‘Doyouwantmetotake

youbacktheretoseehim?’

‘No.’

Shetuckedherknees

underneathherchin,reached

outtheremotecontroland

flickedthroughthechannels.

‘Doyouwanttotalkabout

it?’Isaid,afteraminute.

Shedidn’trespond,and

afteraminuteortwo,I

realizedtheconversationwas

over.

OnThursday,Iwentintomy

bedroom,closedthedoorand

calledmysister.Wewere

speakingseveraltimesa

week.Itwaseasiernowthat

myestrangementfromour

parentsnolongerhung

betweenus,likea

conversationalminefield.

‘Doyouthinkit’snormal?’

‘DadtoldmeIoncedidn’t

speaktohimfortwowhole

weekswhenIwassixteen.

Onlygrunts.AndIwas

actuallyquitehappy.’

‘She’snotevengrunting.

Shejustlooksmiserable.’

‘Allteenagersdo.It’stheir

defaultsetting.It’sthe

cheerfulonesyouwantto

worryabout–they’re

probablyhidingsome

massiveeatingdisorderor

stealinglipsticksfromBoots.’

‘She’sspentthelastthree

daysjustlyingonthesofa.’

‘Andyourpointis?’

‘Ithinksomething’s

wrong.’

‘She’ssixteenyearsold.

Herdadneverknewshe

existed,andpoppedhisclogs

beforeshecouldmeethim.

Hermothermarriedsomeone

shecallsFuckface,shehas

twolittlebrotherswhosound

liketraineeReggieand

RonnieKray,andthey

changedthelockstothe

familyhome.Iwould

probablylieonasofafora

yearifIwasher.’Treena

tookanoisyslurpofhertea.

‘Plusshe’slivingwith

someonewhowearsglittery

greenSpandextoabarjob

andcallsitacareer.’

‘Lurex.It’sLurex.’

‘Whatever.Sowhenare

yougoingtofindyourselfa

decentjob?’

‘Soon.Ijustneedtoget

thissituationsortedfirst.’

‘Thissituation.’

‘She’sreallydown.Ifeel

badforher.’

‘Youknowwhatmakesme

feeldown?Thewayyoukeep

promisingtolivesomekind

ofalife,thensacrifice

yourselftoeverywaifand

straywhocomesacrossyour

path.’

‘Willwasnotawaifand

stray.’

‘ButLilyis.Youdon’t

evenknowthisgirl,Lou.You

shouldbefocusingon

movingforward.Youshould

besendingoffyourCV,

talkingtocontacts,working

outwhereyourstrengthsare,

notfindingyetanother

excusetoputyourownlife

onhold.’

Istaredoutsideatthecity

sky.Inthenextroom,Icould

hearthetelevisionburbling

away,thenLilygettingup,

walkingtothefridgeand

floppingdownagain.I

loweredmyvoice:‘Sowhat

wouldyoudo,Treen?The

childofthemanyouloved

turnsuponyourdoorstep,

andeveryoneelseseemsto

haveprettymuchhanded

overresponsibilityforher.

You’dwalkawaytoo,would

you?’

Mysisterfellbrieflysilent.

Thiswasarareoccurrence

andIfeltobligedtokeep

talking.‘SoifThom,ineight

years’time,hadfallenout

withyou,forwhateverreason

–sayhewasprettymuchon

hisown,andwasgoingoff

therails–you’dthinkitwas

greatiftheonepersonhe

askedforhelpdecideditwas

altogethertoomuchofapain

inthearse,wouldyou?That

theyshouldjustbuggeroff

andsuitthemselves?’Irested

myheadagainstthewall.

‘I’mtryingtodotheright

thinghere,Treen.Justcutme

abreak,okay?’

Nothing.

‘Itmakesmefeelbetter.

Okay?Itmakesmefeelbetter

knowingI’mhelping.’

Mysisterwassilentforso

longIwonderedwhethershe

hadhungup.‘Treen?’

‘Okay.Well,Ido

rememberreadingathingin

socialpsychologyabouthow

teenagersfindtoomuchface-

to-facecontactexhausting.’

‘Youwantmetotalktoher

throughadoor?’OnedayI

wouldhaveatelephone

conversationwithmysister

thatdidn’tinvolvetheweary

sighofsomeoneexplaining

somethingtoahalfwit.

‘No,doofus.Whatitmeans

isthatifyou’regoingtoget

hertotalkyouneedtobe

doingsomethingtogether,

sidebyside.’

OnmywayhomeonFriday

eveningIstoppedoffatthe

DIYsuperstore.Backatmy

block,Iluggedthebagsup

thefourflightsofstairs,and

letmyselfin.Lilywas

exactlywhereIwas

expectingtofindher:

stretchedoutinfrontofthe

television.‘What’sthat?’she

asked.

‘Paint.Thisflat’sabit

tired.YoukeeptellingmeI

needtobrightenitup.I

thoughtwecouldgetridof

thisboringoldmagnolia.’

Shecouldn’thelpherself.I

pretendedtobebusymaking

myselfadrink,watchingout

ofthecornerofmyeyeasshe

stretched,thenwalkedover

andexaminedthepaintcans.

‘That’shardlyanyless

boring.It’sbasicallypale

grey.’

‘Iwastoldgreywasthein

thing.I’lltakeitbackifyou

thinkitwon’twork.’

Shepeeredatit.‘No.It’s

okay.’

‘Ithoughtthespareroom

couldhavecreamontwo,

thenonegreywall.Doyou

thinktheygo?’Ibusied

myselfwithunwrappingthe

paintbrushesandrollersasI

spoke.Ichangedintoanold

shirtandsomeshortsand

askedifshecouldputon

somemusic.

‘Whatsort?’

‘Youchoose.’Ihauleda

chairofftoonesideandlaid

somedustsheetsalongthe

wall.‘YourdadsaidIwasa

musicalPhilistine.’

Shedidn’tsayanything,

butIhadherattention.I

crackedopenapainttinand

begantomixit.‘Hemademe

gotomyfirsteverconcert.

Classical,notpop.Ionly

agreedbecauseitmeanthe

wouldleavethehouse.He

didn’tlikegoingoutmuchin

theearlydays.Heputona

shirtandagoodjacketandit

wasthefirsttimeIhadseen

himlooklike…’I

rememberedthejoltasIhad

seen,emergingfromthestiff

bluecollar,themanhehad

beenbeforehisaccident.I

swallowed.‘Anyway.Iwent

preparingtobebored,and

criedmywaythroughthe

secondhalflikeacomplete

loon.Itwasthemostamazing

thingI’deverheardinmy

life.’

Ashortsilence.

‘Whatwasit?Whatdid

youlistento?’

‘Ican’tremember.

Sibelius?Doesthatsound

right?’

Sheshrugged.Istarted

painting,asshecameup

besideme.Shepickedupa

brush.Shesaidnothingat

first,butsheseemedtolose

herselfintherepetitivenature

ofthetask.Shewascareful,

too,adjustingthesheetso

thatshedidn’tspillpainton

thefloor,wipingherbrushon

theedgeofthepot.Wedidn’t

speak,exceptformuttered

requests:Canyoupassmethe

smallerbrush?Doyouthink

thatwillstillshowthroughon

thesecondcoat?Ittookus

justhalfanhourtodothe

firstwallbetweenus.

‘Sowhatdoyouthink?’I

said,admiringit.‘Thinkwe

candoanother?’

Shemovedadustsheetand

startedonthenextwall.She

hadputonsomeindiebandI

hadneverheardof,light-

heartedandagreeable.I

startedtopaintagain,

ignoringtheacheinmy

shoulder,theurgetoyawn.

‘Youshouldgetsome

pictures.’

‘You’reright.’

‘I’vegotthisbigprintat

homeofaKandinsky.It

doesn’treallygoinmyroom.

Youcouldhaveitifyouwant

it.’

‘Thatwouldbegreat.’

Shewasworkingfaster

now,speedingacrossthe

wall,carefullycuttingin

aroundthelargewindow.

‘SoIwasthinking,’Isaid,

‘weshouldspeaktoWill’s

mum.Yourgrandmother.Are

youokayifIwritetoher?’

Shesaidnothing.She

croucheddown,apparently

absorbedincarefullycoating

thewalltotheskirting-board.

Finally,shestoodup.‘Isshe

likehim?’

‘Likewho?’

‘MrsTraynor?Isshelike

MrTraynor?’

Isteppeddownfromthe

boxIwasusingtostandon,

andwipedmybrushonthe

edgeofthetin.‘She’s…

different.’

‘That’syourwayofsaying

she’sacow.’

‘She’snotacow.She’s

just–Ittakeslongertogetto

knowherisall.’

‘That’syourwayoftelling

meshe’sacowandshe’snot

goingtolikeme.’

‘I’mnotsayingthatatall,

Lily.Butsheissomeonewho

doesn’tshowheremotions

easily.’

Lilysighedandputdown

herpaintbrush.‘I’mbasically

theonlypersonintheworld

whocoulddiscovertwo

grandparentsIdidn’tknowI

had,thenfindoutthatneither

ofthemevenlikesme.’

Westaredateachother.

Andsuddenly,unexpectedly,

westartedtolaugh.

Iputthelidonthepaint.

‘Comeon,’Isaid.‘Let’sgo

out.’

‘Where?’

‘You’retheonewhosaysI

needtohavesomefun.You

tellme.’

Ipulledoutaseriesoftops

fromoneofmystorageboxes

untilLilyfinallydetermined

whichonewasacceptable,

andIlethertakemetoatiny

cavernousclubinaback-

streetneartheWestEnd

wherethebouncersknewher

bynameandnobodyseemed

toconsiderforaminutethat

shemightbeundereighteen.

‘It’sninetiesmusic.Olden-

daysstuff!’shesaid

cheerfully,andItriednotto

thinktoohardaboutthefact

thatIwas,inhereyes,

basicallygeriatric.

WedanceduntilIstopped

feelingself-conscious,sweat

camethroughourclothes,our

hairstuckoutinfrondsand

myhiphurtsomuchthatI

wonderedwhetherIwouldbe

abletostandupbehindthe

barthefollowingweek.We

dancedasifwehadnothing

todobutdance.Lord,itfelt

good.Ihadforgottenthejoy

ofjustexisting;oflosing

yourselfinmusic,inacrowd

ofpeople,thesensationsthat

camewithbecomingone

communal,organicmass,

aliveonlytoapulsingbeat.

Forafewdark,thumping

hours,Iletgoofeverything,

myproblemsfloatingaway

likeheliumballoons:my

awfuljob,mypickyboss,my

failuretomoveon.Ibecame

athing,alive,joyful.Ilooked

overthecrowdatLily,her

eyesclosedasherhairflew

aboutherface,thatpeculiar

mixtureofconcentrationand

freedominherfeaturesthat

comeswhensomeoneloses

themselvesinrhythm.Then

sheopenedhereyesandI

wantedtobeangrythather

raisedarmheldabottlethat

clearlywasn’tcola,butI

foundmyselfsmilingbackat

her–abroad,euphoricgrin–

andthinkinghowstrangeit

wasthatamessed-upchild

whobarelyknewherselfhad

somuchtoteachmeabout

thebusinessofliving.

AroundusLondonwasshrill

andheaving,eventhoughit

wastwoa.m.Wepausedfor

Lilytotakejointselfiesofus

infrontofatheatre,a

Chinesesignandaman

dressedasalargebear

(apparentlyeveryeventhad

tobemarkedbyphotographic

evidence),thenwoveourway

throughcrowdedstreetsin

searchofanightbus,pastthe

late-nightkebabshopsand

thebellowingdrunks,the

pimpsandthegagglesof

screechinggirls.Myhipwas

throbbingbadly,andsweat

wascoolingunpleasantly

undermydampclothes,butI

stillfeltenergized,asifIhad

beensnappedbackon.

‘Godknowshowwe’re

goingtogethome,’Lilysaid

cheerfully.

AndthenIheardtheshout.

‘Lou!’TherewasSam,

leaningoutofthedriver’s

windowofanambulance.As

Iliftedmyhandinresponse,

hepulledthetruckacrossthe

roadinagiantU-turn.

‘Whereyouheaded?’

‘Home.Ifwecaneverfind

abus.’

‘Hopin.Goon.Iwon’ttell

ifyouwon’t.We’rejust

finishingourshift.’He

lookedatthewomanbeside

him.‘Ahcomeon,Don.

She’sapatient.Brokenhip.

Can’tleavehertowalk

home.’

Lilywasdelightedbythis

unexpectedturnofevents.

Andthenthereardoor

openedandthewoman,ina

paramedicuniform,eyes

rolling,wasshepherdingus

in.‘You’regoingtogetus

sacked,Sam,’shesaid,and

motionedforustositdown

onthegurney.‘Hiya.I’m

Donna.Oh,no–Ido

rememberyou.Theonewho

…’

‘…felloffabuilding.

Yup.’

Lilypulledmetoherforan

‘ambulanceselfie’andItried

nottolookasDonnarolled

hereyesagain.

‘Sowherehaveyoubeen?’

Samcalledthroughtothe

rear.

‘Dancing,’saidLily.‘I’ve

beentryingtopersuade

Louisatobelessofaboring

oldfart.Canweputthesiren

on?’

‘Nope.Where’dyougo?

That’sfromanotherboring

oldfart,bytheway.Iwon’t

haveacluewhateveryou

say.’

‘TheTwenty-two,’said

Lily.‘Downthebackof

TottenhamCourtRoad?’

‘That’swherewehadthe

emergencytracheotomy,

Sam.’

‘Iremember.Youlooklike

you’vehadagoodnight.’He

metmyeyeinthemirrorand

Icolouredalittle.Iwas

suddenlygladtohavebeen

outdancing.Itmademeseem

likeImightbesomeoneelse

altogether.Notjustatragic

airportbarmaidwhoseideaof

anightoutwasfallingoffa

roof.

‘Itwasgreat,’Isaid,

beaming.

Thenhelookeddownat

thecomputerscreenonthe

dashboard.‘Oh,great.Gota

GreenOneoverat

Spencer’s.’

‘Butwe’reheadedback

in,’saidDonna.‘Whydoes

Lenniealwaysdothistous?

Thatman’sasadist.’

‘Nooneelseavailable.’

‘What’sgoingon?’

‘Ajob’scomeup.Imight

havetodropyou.It’snotfar

fromyours,though.Okay?’

‘Spencer’s,’saidDonna,

andletoutadeepsigh.‘Oh,

marvellous.Holdontight,

girls.’

Thesirenwenton.Andwe

wereoff,lurchingthroughthe

Londontrafficwiththeblue

lightscreamingaboveour

head,Lilysquealingwith

delight.

Onanygivenweek-night,

Donnatoldus,asweclutched

thehandrails,thestation

wouldgetcallsfrom

Spencer’s,summonedtofix

thosewhohadn’tmadeit

uprighttoclosingtime,orto

stitchupthefacesofyoung

menforwhomsixpintsinan

eveningleftthemcombative

andwithoutany

accompanyingsense.‘These

youngstersshouldbefeeling

greataboutlife,butinstead

they’rejustknocking

themselvesoutwithevery

sparepoundtheyearn.Every

bloodyweek.’

Wewerethereinminutes,

theambulanceslowing

outsidetoavoidthedrunks

spillingoutontothe

pavement.Thesignsin

Spencer’snightclub’ssmoked

windowsadvertised‘Free

drinksforgirlsbefore10

p.m.’Despitethestagand

hennights,thecatcallingand

gaudyclothes,thepacked

streetsofthedrinkingzone

hadlessofacarnival

atmospherethansomething

tenseandexplosive.Ifound

myselfgazingoutofthe

windowwarily.

Samopenedthereardoors

andpickeduphisbag.‘Stay

intherig,’hesaid,and

climbedout.

Apoliceofficerheaded

overtohim,muttered

something,andwewatched

astheywalkedovertoa

youngmanwhowassittingin

thegutter,bloodstreaming

fromawoundtohistemple.

Samsquattedbesidehim,

whiletheofficerattemptedto

keepbackthedrunken

gawkers,the‘helpful’friends,

thewailinggirlfriends.He

seemedtobesurroundedbya

bunchofwell-dressedextras

fromTheWalkingDead,

swayingmindlesslyand

grunting,occasionally

bloodiedandtoppling.

‘Ihatethesejobs,’said

Donna,checkingbriskly

throughherpackofplastic-

wrappedmedicalsuppliesas

wewatched.‘Givemea

womaninlabouroraniceold

grannywithcardiomyopathy

anyday.Oh,flippingheck,

he’soff.’

Samwastiltingtheyoung

lad’sfacetoexamineitwhen

anotherboy,hishairthick

withgelandthecollarofhis

shirtsoakedinblood,grabbed

athisshoulder.‘Oi!Ineedto

gointheambulance!’

Samturnedslowlytowards

theyoungdrunk,whowas

sprayingbloodandsalivaas

hespoke.‘Backawaynow,

mate.Allright?Letmedo

myjob.’

Drinkhadmadetheboy

stupid.Heglancedathis

mates,andthenhewasin

Sam’sface,snarling,‘Don’t

youtellmetobackaway.’

Samignoredhim,and

continuedattendingtothe

otherboy’sface.

‘Hey!Heyyou!Ineedto

gettothehospital.’He

pushedSam’sshoulder.

‘Hey!’

Samstayedcrouchedfora

moment,verystill.Thenhe

straightenedslowly,and

turned,sothathewasnoseto

nosewiththedrunk.‘I’ll

explainsomethinginterms

youmightbeableto

understand,son.You’renot

gettinginthetruck,okay?

That’sit.Sosaveyour

energy,gofinishyournight

withyourmates,putabitof

iceonit,andseeyourGPin

themorning.’

‘Youdon’tgettotellme

nothing.Ipayyourwages.

Myeffingnoseisbroke.’

AsSamgazedsteadily

backathim,theboyswung

outahandandpushedat

Sam’schest.Samlooked

downatit.

‘Uh-oh,’saidDonna,

besideme.

Sam’svoice,whenit

emerged,wasagrowl:‘Okay.

I’mwarningyounow–’

‘Youdon’twarnme!’The

boy’sfacewasscornful.‘You

don’twarnme!Whodoyou

thinkyouare?’

Donnawasoutofthetruck

andjoggingtowardsacop.

Shemurmuredsomethingin

hisearandIsawthemboth

lookover.Donna’sfacewas

pleading.Theboywasstill

yellingandswearing,now

pushingatSam’schest.‘So

yousortmeoutbeforeyou

dealwiththatwanker.’

Samadjustedhiscollar.

Hisfacehadbecome

dangerouslystill.

AndjustasIrealizedIwas

holdingmybreath,the

policemanwasthere,between

them.Donna’shandwason

Sam’ssleeveandshewas

steeringhimbacktothe

youngladonthekerb.The

policemanmuttered

somethingintohisradio,his

handonthedrunk’sshoulder.

Theboyswungroundand

spatonSam’sjacket.‘Fuck

you.’

Therewasabrief,shocked

silence.Samstiffened.

‘Sam!Comeon,givemea

hand,yes?Ineedyou.’

Donnapropelledhim

forwards.WhenIcaught

sightofSam’sface,hiseyes

glitteredascoldandhardas

diamonds.

‘Comeon,’saidDonna,as

theyloadedthesemi-

comatoseladintothebackof

thetruck.‘Let’sgetoutof

here.’

Hedrovesilently,LilyandI

wedgedintothefrontseat

besidehim.Donnacleaned

thebackofhisjacketashe

staredahead,stubblyjaw

jutting.

‘Couldbeworse,’Donna

saidcheerfully.‘Ihadone

throwupinmyhairlast

month.Andthelittlemonster

diditonpurpose.Shovedhis

fingersdownthebackofhis

throatandranupbehindme,

justbecauseIwouldn’ttake

himhome,likeIwassome

kindofbloodyminicab.’

Shestoodupandmotioned

fortheenergydrinkshekept

inthefront.‘It’sawasteof

resources.Whenyouthink

whatwecouldbedoing,

insteadofscoopingupaload

oflittle…’Shetookaswig,

thenlookeddownatthe

barelyconsciousyoungboy.

‘Idon’tknow.Youhaveto

wonderwhatgoesonintheir

heads.’

‘Notmuch,’saidSam.

‘Yeah.Well,wehaveto

keepthisoneonatight

leash.’DonnapattedSam’s

shoulder.‘Hegotacaution

lastyear.’

Samglancedsidewaysat

me,suddenlysheepish.‘We

wenttopickupagirlfrom

thetopofCommercialStreet.

Facesmashedtoapulp.

Domestic.AsIwenttolift

herontothegurney,her

boyfriendcameflyingoutof

thepubandwentforher

again.Couldn’thelpmyself.’

‘Youtookaswingathim?’

‘Morethanone,’Donna

scoffed.

‘Yeah.Well.Itwasn’ta

goodtime.’

Donnashiftedtogrimace

atme.‘Well,thisonecan’t

affordtogetintroubleagain.

Orhe’soutoftheservice.’

‘Thanks,’Isaid,ashelet

usout.‘Forthelift,Imean.’

‘Couldn’tleaveyouinthat

open-airasylum,’hesaid.

Hiseyesbrieflymetmine.

ThenDonnashutthedoor

andtheyweregone,heading

forthehospitalwiththeir

batteredhumancargo.

‘Youtotallyfancyhim,’

saidLily,aswewatchedthe

ambulancedisappear.

Ihadforgottenshewas

eventhere.IsighedasI

reachedintomypocketsfor

thekeys.‘He’sashagger.’

‘So?Iwouldtotallyshag

that,’Lilysaid,asIopened

thedoortoletherin.‘Imean,

ifIwasold.Andabit

desperate.Likeyou.’

‘Idon’tthinkI’mreadyfor

arelationship,Lily.’

Shewaswalkingbehind

me,sotherewasnowayI

couldactuallyproveit,butI

swearIcouldfeelherpulling

facesatmethewholewayup

thestairs.

C H A P T E R T W E LV E

IwrotetoMrsTraynor.I

didn’ttellheraboutLily,just

thatIhopedshewaswell,

thatIwasbackfrommy

travelsandwouldbeinher

areainafewweekswitha

friend,andwouldliketosay

helloifpossible.Isentitfirst

class,andfeltoddlyexcited

asitploppedintothepost-

box.

Dadhadtoldmeoverthe

phonethatshehadleftGranta

HousewithinweeksofWill’s

death.Hesaidtheestate

workershadbeenshocked,

butIthoughtbacktothetime

IhadspottedMrTraynorout

withDella,thewomanhe

wasnowabouttohaveababy

with,andIwonderedhow

manygenuinelyhadbeen.

Therewerefewsecretsina

smalltown.

‘Shetookitallterrible

hard,’Dadsaid.‘Andonce

shewasgoneyourredheaded

womantherewasinlike

Flynn.Shesawherchance,

allright.Niceauldfella,own

hair,bighouse,he’snot

goingtobesingleforlong,

eh?Speakingofwhich,Lou.

You–youwouldn’thavea

wordwithyourmotherabout

herarmpits,wouldyou?

She’sgoingtobeafter

plaitingitifsheletsitall

growanylonger.’

IkeptthinkingaboutMrs

Traynor,tryingtoimagine

howshewouldreacttothe

newsaboutLily.I

rememberedthejoyand

disbeliefonMrTraynor’s

faceattheirfirstmeeting.

WouldLilyhelptohealher

painalittle?SometimesI

watchedLilylaughingat

somethingontelevision,or

simplygazingsteadilyoutof

thewindowlostinthought,

andIsawWillsoclearlyin

herfeatures–theprecise

anglesofhernose,those

almostSlaviccheekbones–

thatIforgottobreathe.(At

thispointshewouldusually

grumble,‘Stopstaringatme

likeaweirdo,Clark.You’re

freakingmeout.’)

Lilyhadcometostayfor

twoweeks.TanyaHoughton-

Millerhadcalledtosaythey

wereoffonafamilyholiday

toTuscanyandLilydidn’t

wanttogowiththem.

‘Frankly,thewayshe’s

behavingrightnow,asfaras

I’mconcerned,that’sfine.

She’sexhaustingme.’

Ipointedoutthat,given

Lilywasbarelyathome,and

Tanyahadchangedthelocks

toherfrontdoor,itwouldbe

prettyhardforLilytoexhaust

anyoneunlessshewas

tappingattheirwindowand

singingalament.Therewasa

shortsilence.

‘Whenyouhaveyourown

children,Louisa,youmight

eventuallyhavesomeidea

whatI’mtalkingabout.’Oh,

thetrumpcardofallparents.

HowcouldIpossibly

understand?

Sheofferedmemoneyto

coverLily’sboardand

lodgingwhiletheywere

away.Itooksomepleasurein

tellingherIwouldn’tdream

oftakingit,eventhough,

frankly,itwascostingme

morethanIhadanticipatedto

haveherthere.Lily,itturned

out,wasn’tsatisfiedwithmy

beans-on-toastorcheese-

sandwichsuppers.Shewould

askforcash,thenreturnwith

artisanbread,exoticfruit,

Greekyoghurt,organic

chicken–thestaplesofa

wealthymiddle-classkitchen.

IrememberedTanya’shouse,

thewayLilyhadstoodbythe

oversizedfridgeand

thoughtlesslydroppedchunks

offreshpineappleintoher

mouth.

‘Bytheway,’Isaid,‘who

isMartin?’

Therewasashortpause.

‘Martinismyformerpartner.

Lilyapparentlyinsistson

seeinghim,eventhoughshe

knowsIdon’tlikeit.’

‘CouldIhavehisnumber?

I’djustliketomakesureI

knowwheresheis.You

know,whileyou’regone.’

‘Martin’snumber?Why

wouldIhaveMartin’s

number?’shesquawked,and

thephonewentdead.

Somethinghadchangedsince

I’dmetLily.Itwasn’tjust

thatI’dlearnedto

accommodatetheexplosion

ofteenage-relatedmessinmy

near-emptyflat,Ihadactually

startedtoquiteenjoyhaving

Lilyinmylife,having

someonetoeatwith,sitside

bysidewithonthesofa,

commentingonwhateverwe

happenedtobewatchingon

thetelevision,orkeepinga

pokerfacewhensheoffered

mesomeconcoctionshe’d

made.Well,howshouldI

knowyouhavetocookthe

potatoesinapotatosalad?

It’sasalad,forGod’ssake.

AtworkInowlistenedto

thefathersatthebarwishing

theirchildrengoodnightas

theyflewoffonbusinesstrips

–YoubegoodforMummy

now,Luke…Didyou?…

Youdid?Aren’tyouaclever

boy!–andthecustody

argumentsconductedin

hissedtelephone

conversations:No,Ididnot

sayIcouldpickhimupfrom

schoolthatday.Iwasalways

dueinBarcelona…Yes,I

was…No,no,youjustdon’t

listen.

Icouldn’tbelievethatyou

couldgivebirthtosomeone,

lovethem,nurturethem,and

bytheirsixteenthyearclaim

thatyouweresoexasperated

thatyou’dchangethelocksof

yourhouseagainstthem.

Sixteenwasstillachild,

surely.Forallherposturing,I

couldseethechildinLily.It

wasthereintheexcitements

andsuddenenthusiasms.It

wasthereinthesulks,the

tryingonofdifferentlooksin

frontofmybathroommirror

andtheabrupt,innocent

sleep.

Ithoughtofmysisterand

heruncomplicatedlovefor

Thom.Ithoughtofmy

parents,encouraging,

worryingaboutand

supportingTreenaandme,

eventhoughwewereboth

wellintoadulthood.Andin

thosemomentsIfeltWill’s

absenceinLily’slifelikeI

feltitinmyown.Youshould

havebeenhere,Will,Itold

himsilently.Itwasyoushe

reallyneeded.

Ibookedaday’sholiday–an

outrage,accordingto

Richard.(‘You’veonlybeen

backfiveweeks.Ireally

don’tseewhyyouneedto

disappearagain.’)Ismiled,

bobbedacurtsyinagrateful

Irish-dancing-girlmanner,

anddrovehomelatertofind

Lilypaintingoneofthe

spare-roomwallsa

particularlyvividshadeof

jadegreen.‘Yousaidyou

wanteditbrighteningup,’she

said,asIstoodwithmy

mouthopen.‘Don’tworry.I

paidforthepaintmyself.’

‘Well,’Ipulledoffmy

wig,andunlacedmyshoes,

‘justmakesureyou’ve

finishedbythisevening

becauseI’vegotthedayoff

tomorrow,’Isaid,whenIhad

changedintomyjeans,‘and

I’mgoingtoshowyousome

ofthethingsyourdadliked.’

Shestopped,drippingjade

paintontothecarpet.‘What

things?’

‘You’llsee.’

Wespentthedaydriving,our

soundtrackaplayliston

Lily’siPodthatprovidedone

minuteaheart-breakingdirge

ofloveandloss,thenextan

ear-perforatingraginganthem

ofhatredagainstallmankind.

Imasteredtheart,whileon

themotorway,ofmentally

risingabovethenoiseand

focusingontheroad,while

Lilysatbesideme,nodding

intimetothebeatand

occasionallyperformingan

impromptudrumrollonthe

dashboard.Itwasgood,I

thought,thatshewas

enjoyingherself.Andwho

neededbotheardrumstobe

working,anyway?

WestartedoffinStortfold,

andtookintheplacesWill

andIusedtositandeat,the

picnicspotsinthefields

abovethetown,hisfavourite

benchesaroundthegrounds

ofthecastle,andLilyhadthe

gracetotrynottolookbored.

Tobefair,itwasquitehard

toworkupenthusiasmabout

aseriesoffields.SoIsat

downandtoldherhow,when

Ihadfirstmethim,Willhad

barelyleftthehouse,and

how,throughamixtureof

subterfugeandbloody-

mindedness,Ihadsetabout

gettinghimoutagain.‘You

havetounderstand,’Isaid,

‘thatyourfatherhatedtobe

dependentonanyone.Andus

goingoutdidn’tjustmean

thathehadtorelyon

someoneelsebuthehadtobe

seentoberelyingon

someoneelse.’

‘Evenifitwasyou.’

‘Evenifitwasme.’

Shewasthoughtfulfora

moment.‘I’dhatepeople

seeingmelikethat.Idon’t

evenlikepeopleseeingme

withwethair.’

Wevisitedthegallery

wherehehadtriedtoexplain

tomethedifferencebetween

‘good’and‘bad’modernart

(Istillcouldn’ttell),andshe

pulledafaceatalmost

everythingonitswalls.We

pokedourheadsintothewine

merchant’swherehehad

mademetastedifferentsorts

ofwine(‘No,Lily,wearenot

doingawine-tastingtoday’),

thenwalkedtothetattooshop

wherehehadpersuadedme

togetmytattoo.Sheaskedif

Icouldlendherthemoney

forone(Inearlyweptwith

reliefwhenthemantoldher

nounder-eighteens),then

askedtoseemylittlebumble

bee.Thatwasoneofthefew

occasionswhenIfeltI’d

actuallyimpressedher.She

laughedoutloudwhenItold

herwhathehadchosenfor

himself:aBestBeforedate

stencilledonhischest.

‘Youhavethesameawful

senseofhumour,’Isaid,and

shetriednottolookpleased.

Itwasthenthattheowner,

overhearingourconversation,

mentionedthathehada

photograph.‘Ikeeppictures

ofallofmytattoos,’hesaid,

fromunderaheavilywaxed

handlebarmoustache.‘Ilike

tohavearecord.Justremind

meofthedate?’

Westoodtheresilentlyas

heflickedthroughhis

laminatedbinder.Andthereit

was,fromalmosttwoyears

previously,aclose-upofthat

blackandwhitedesign,

neatlyinkedontoWill’s

caramelskin.Istoodand

staredatthephotograph,its

familiaritytakingmybreath

away.Thelittleblackand

whitepatternedblock,theone

Ihadwashedwithasoft

cloth,whichIhaddried,

rubbedsuncreaminto,rested

myfaceagainst.Iwouldhave

reachedouttotouchit,but

Lilygottherefirst,her

fingerswiththeirbittennails

tracinggentlyovertheimage

ofherfather’sskin.‘Ithink

I’llgetone,’shesaid.‘Like

his,Imean.WhenI’mold

enough.’

‘Sohowishe?’

LilyandIturned.The

tattooistwassittingonhis

chair,rubbingataheavily

colouredforearm.‘I

rememberhim.Wedon’tget

manyquadriplegicsinhere.’

Hegrinned.‘He’sabitofa

character,isn’the?’

Alumprosesuddenlyto

mythroat.

‘He’sdead,’saidLily,

baldly.‘Mydad.He’sdead.’

Thetattooistwinced.

‘Sorry,sweetheart.Ihadno

idea.’

‘CanIkeepthis?’Lilyhad

startedtoworkthe

photographofWill’stattoo

outofitsplasticbinder.

‘Sure,’hesaidhurriedly.

‘Ifyouwantit,takeit.Here,

havetheplasticcoveraswell.

Caseitrains.’

‘Thankyou,’shesaid,

tuckingitneatlyunderher

arm,andasthemanstuttered

anotherapology,wewalked

outoftheshop.

Wehadlunch–anall-day

breakfast–silentlyinacafé.

Feelingtheday’smoodleach

awayfromus,Ibegantotalk.

ItoldLilywhatIknewof

Will’sromantichistory,about

hiscareer,thathewasthe

kindofmanwhomadeyou

longforhisapproval,whether

justbydoingsomethingthat

impressedhimormakinghim

laughwithsomestupidjoke.

ItoldherhowhewaswhenI

methim,andhowhehad

changed,softened,startingto

findjoyinsmallthings,even

ifmanyofthosesmallthings

seemedtoinvolvemaking

funofme.‘LikeIwasn’tvery

adventurouswhenitcameto

food.Mymumbasicallyhas

tensetmealswhichshe’s

rotatedforthepasttwenty-

fiveyears.Andnoneofthem

involvesquinoa.Or

lemongrass.Orguacamole.

Yourdadwouldeat

anything.’

‘Andnowyoudotoo?’

‘Actually,Istilltry

guacamoleeverycoupleof

monthsorso.Forhim,

really.’

‘Youdon’tlikeit?’

‘Ittastesokay,Isuppose.I

justcan’tgetpastthefactthat

itlookslikesomethingyou

blowoutofyournose.’

Itoldherabouthis

previousgirlfriend,andhow

wehadgatecrashedher

weddingdance,mesittingon

Will’slapasweturnedhis

motorizedwheelchairin

circlesonthedancefloor,and

shehadsnortedherdrink

throughhernose.‘Seriously?

Herwedding?’Inthe

overheatedconfinesofthe

littlecafé,Iconjuredher

fatherforherasbestIcould,

andperhapsitwasbecause

wewereawayfromallthe

complicationsofhome,or

becauseherparentswereina

differentcountry,orbecause,

justforonce,someonewas

tellingherstoriesabouthim

thatwereuncomplicatedand

funny,shelaughed,andasked

questions,noddingoftenasif

myanswershadconfirmed

somethingshealready

believed.Yes,yes,hewaslike

this.Yes,maybeI’mlikethat

too.

Andaswetalkedwellinto

theafternoon,lettingourcups

ofteacoolinfrontofus,and

thewearywaitressofferedyet

againtoremovethelastof

thetoastwehadtakentwo

hourstoeat,Igrasped

somethingelse:forthefirst

time,IwasrecallingWill

withoutsadness.

‘Whataboutyou?’

‘Whataboutme?’Iputthe

lastcrustintomymouth,

eyeingthewaitress,who

lookedasifthiswasher

triggertocomebackagain.

‘Whathappenedtoyou

afterDaddied?Imean,you

seemtohavedonealotmore

stuffwhenyouwerewithhim

–evenwithhimbeingstuck

inawheelchair–thanyoudo

now.’

Thebreadhadturned

claggyinmymouth.I

struggledtoswallow.

Eventually,whenthe

mouthfulhadgonedown,I

said,‘Idothings.I’vejust

beenbusy.Working.Imean,

whenyou’reonshifts,it’s

hardtomakeplans.’

Sheraisedhereyebrowsa

fraction,butshedidn’tsay

anything.

‘Andmyhipisstillquite

painful.I’mnotreallyupto

mountain-climbingyet.’

Lilystirredherteaidly.

‘Mylifeiseventful.I

mean,fallingoffaroofisn’t

exactlyhumdrum.That’s

quitealotofexcitementfor

oneyear!’

‘Butit’shardlydoing

something,isit?’

Weweresilentfora

moment.Itookabreath,

tryingtoquellthesudden

buzzinginmyears.The

waitress,arrivingbetweenus,

sweptupouremptyplates,

withafaintairoftriumph,

andtookthemtothekitchen.

‘Hey,’Isaid.‘DidItell

youaboutthetimeItook

yourdadtotheraces?’

Withimmaculatetiming,my

caroverheatedonthe

motorway,fortymilesfrom

London.Lilywas

surprisinglysanguineabout

it.Infact,shewascurious.

‘I’veneverbeeninacarthat

brokedown.Ididn’tknow

theyevendidthatanymore.’

Atthisstatementmyjaw

dropped(mydadwould

regularlyprayloudlytohis

oldvan,promisingpremium

petrol,regulartyre-pressure

checks,endlesslove,ifshe

wouldmakeitbackhome

again).Thenshetoldmeher

parentstradeduptheir

Mercedeseveryyear.Mostly,

sheadded,becauseofthe

levelofdamagedonetothe

leatherinteriorbyherhalf-

brothers.

Wesatbythesideofthe

motorway,waitingforthe

breakdowntrucktoarrive,

andfeelingthelittlecar

juddersporadicallyasthe

lorriesrumbledpast.

Eventually,decidingitwould

besaferforustobeoutofthe

car,wescrambledupthe

embankmentatthesideofthe

motorwayandsatonthe

grass,watchingasthe

afternoonsunlostitsheatand

sliddowntheothersideof

themotorwaybridge.

‘SowhoisMartin?’Isaid,

whenwehadexhaustedall

breakdown-related

conversation.

Lilypluckedatthegrass

besideher.‘MartinSteele?

He’sthemanIgrewupwith.’

‘Ithoughtthatwas

Francis.’

‘No.Fuckfaceonlycame

intothepicturewhenIwas

seven.’

‘Youknow,Lily,you

mightwanttostopcalling

himthat.’

Shegavemeasideways

look.‘Okay.You’reprobably

right.’Shelaybackonthe

grass,andsmiledsweetly.

‘I’llcallhimPenisfeatures

instead.’

‘Let’sstickwithFuckface

then.Sohowcomeyoustill

visithim?’

‘Martin?He’stheonlydad

Ireallyremember.Mumgot

togetherwithhimwhileIwas

small.He’samusician.Very

creative.Heusedtoread

storiesandstuffandmakeup

songsaboutme,thatkindof

thing.Ijust…’Shetrailed

off.

‘Whathappened?Between

himandyourmum?’

Lilyreachedintoherbag,

pulledoutapacketof

cigarettesandlitone.She

inhaledandletoutalong

fluteofsmoke,almost

dislocatingherjawboneinthe

process.‘Icamehomefrom

schoolonedaywiththeau

pairandMumjustannounced

thathe’dgone.Shesaid

they’dagreedhehadtogo

becausetheyweren’tgetting

onanymore.’Sheinhaled

again.‘Apparentlyhewasn’t

interestedinherpersonal

growthorhedidn’tshareher

visionofthefuture.Some

bullshit.Ithinkshejustmet

FrancisandknewMartinwas

nevergoingtogiveherwhat

shewanted.’

‘Whichwas?’

‘Money.Andabighouse.

Andthechancetospendher

dayshoppingandbitchingto

herfriendsandaligningher

chakrasorwhatever.Francis

earnsafortunedoingprivate

bankthingsinhisprivate

bankwithalltheotherprivate

bankers.’Sheturnedtome.

‘So,basically,onedayMartin

wasmydad–Imean,Icalled

himDaddyrightupuntilthe

dayheleft–andthenexthe

wasn’t.Heusedtotakemeto

nurseryandprimaryschool

andeverything–andthenshe

decidesshe’shadenoughof

him,andIgethomeandhe’s

just…gone.It’sherhouse,

sohe’sgone.Justlikethat.

AndI’mnotallowedtosee

himandI’mnotevenallowed

totalkabouthimbecauseI’m

justdredgingthingsupand

beingdifficult.Andobviously

sheisinsomuchpainand

emotionaldistress.’HereLily

didascarilygoodimpression

ofTanya’svoice.‘Andwhen

Ireallydidgetmadather,

shetoldmetherewasno

pointingettingsoupset

becausehewasn’tevenmy

realdad.Sothatwasanice

waytofindout.’

Istaredather.

‘Andthenextthing,there’s

Francisturningupatour

door,allover-the-topbunches

offlowersandso-called

familydaysout,whereI’m

basicallyplayinggooseberry

andsentoffwiththenannies

whilethey’reallovereach

otheratsomechild-friendly

luxuryhotel.Andthensix

monthslatershetakesmeto

PizzaExpress.Ithinkit’s

sometreatformeandthat

maybeMartiniscoming

back,butshesayssheand

Francisaregettingmarried

andit’swonderfulandhe’s

goingtobethemost

wonderfuldaddytomeandI

“mustlovehimverymuch”.’

Lilyblewasmokeringup

intothesky,watchingasit

swelled,waveredand

evaporated.

‘Andyoudidn’t.’

‘Ihatedhim.’Shelooked

sidewaysatme.‘Youcantell,

youknow,whensomeone’s

justputtingupwithyou.

Evenifyou’relittle.Henever

wantedme,onlymymother.I

cansortofunderstandit–

whowantsanotherman’skid

hangingaround?Sowhenshe

hadthetwinstheysentme

awaytoboarding-school.

Bang.Jobdone.’

Hereyeshadfilledwith

tearsandIwantedtoreach

outtoher,butshehad

wrappedherarmsaroundher

kneesandstaredstraight

ahead.Wesatthereinsilence

forafewminutes,watching

thetrafficstarttobuildbelow

usasthesunslidfurther

downthesky.

‘Ifoundhim,youknow.’

Ifacedher.

‘Martin.WhenIwas

eleven.Iheardmynanny

tellinganotheronethatshe

wasn’tallowedtotellmehe

hadcalledround.SoItold

hershehadtotellmewhere

helivedorI’dtellmymum

shewasstealing.Ilookedup

theaddressandhelivedabout

fifteenminutes’walkfrom

wherewewere.Pyecroft

Road–doyouknowit?’

Ishookmyhead.‘Washe

pleasedtoseeyou?’

Shehesitated.‘Sohappy.

Henearlycried,actually.He

saidhe’dmissedmesomuch,

andthatitwasawfulbeing

awayfrommeandthatI

couldcomearoundwhenever

Iwanted.Buthehadhooked

upwithsomeoneelseand

theyhadababy.Andwhen

youturnupatsomeone’s

houseandtheyhaveababy

and,like,aproperfamilyof

theirown,yourealizeyou’re

notpartofhisfamilyany

more.You’realeftover.’

‘I’msurenobodythought

–’

‘Yes,well.Anyway,he’s

reallylovelyandall,butI’ve

toldhimIcan’treallysee

him.It’stooweird.And,you

know,likeIsaidtohim,I’m

notyourrealdaughter.He

stillcallsmeallthetime,

though.Stupid,really.’Lily

shookherheadfuriously.We

satthereforawhileandthen

shelookedupatthesky.

‘Youknowthethingthat

reallybugsme?’

Iwaited.

‘Shechangedmyname

whenshegotmarried.My

ownname,andnobodyever

evenbotheredtoaskme.’Her

voicecrackedalittle.‘Ididn’t

evenwanttobeaHoughton-

Miller.’

‘Oh,Lily.’

Shewipedbrisklyather

facewiththepalmofher

hand,asifembarrassedtobe

seencrying.Sheinhaledher

cigarette,thengrounditout

onthegrassandsniffed

noisily.‘Mindyou,these

daysPenisfeaturesandMum

argueallthetime.Iwouldn’t

besurprisediftheysplitup

too.Ifthathappens,nodoubt

we’llallhavetomovehouse

againandchangenamesand

nobodywillbeabletosay

anythingbecauseofherpain

andherneedtomoveforward

emotionallyorwhatever.And

intwoyears’timetherewill

besomeotherFuckfaceand

mybrotherswillbe

Houghton-Miller-Bransonor

OzymandiasorToodlepipor

whatever.’Shehalflaughed.

‘LuckilyI’llbelonggoneby

then.Notthatshe’lleven

notice.’

‘Youreallybelieveshe

thinksthatlittleofyou?’

Lily’sheadswivelled

round,andthelookshegave

mewasfartoowiseforher

ageandutterlyheartbreaking.

‘Ithinkshelovesme.Butshe

lovesherselfmore.Orhow

couldshedowhatshedoes?’

C H A P T E R T H I RT E E N

MrTraynor’sbabywasborn

thefollowingday.Myphone

rangatsixthirtyinthe

morningand,forabrief,

awfulmoment,Ithought

somethingterriblehad

happened.ButitwasMr

Traynor,breathlessand

tearful,announcing,in

slightlydisbelieving,

exclamatorytones,‘It’sa

girl!Eightpoundsoneounce!

Andshe’sabsolutelyperfect!’

Hetoldmehowbeautifulshe

was,howlikeWillwhenhe

hadbeenababy,howI

simplymustcomeandsee

her,andthenaskedmeto

wakeLily,whichIdid,and

watchedher,sleepyandsilent

ashegaveherthenewsthat

shehada…a…(theytooka

minutetoworkitout)an

aunt!

‘Okay,’shesaidfinally.

Andthen,havinglistenedfor

awhile:‘Yeah…sure.’

Sheendedthecalland

handedthephonebacktome.

Hereyesmetmine,thenshe

turnedinhercrumpledT-

shirtandwentbacktobed,

closingthedoorfirmly

behindher.

Thewell-lubricatedhealth-

plansalesmenwere,I

estimatedattenforty-five,

oneroundoffbeingbarred

fromtheirflight,andIwas

wonderingwhethertopoint

thisoutwhenafamiliar

reflectivejacketappearedat

thebar.

‘Nooneinneedofmedical

assistancehere.’Iwalked

overtohimslowly.‘Yet,

anyway.’

‘Inevergettiredofthat

outfit.Ihavenoideawhy.’

Samclimbeduponastool

andrestedhiselbowsonthe

counter.‘Thewigis…

interesting.’

ItuggedatmyLurexskirt.

‘Thecreationofstatic

electricityismysuperpower.

Wouldyoulikeacoffee?’

‘Thanks.Ican’thang

around,though.’Hechecked

hisradioandputitbackinhis

jacketpocket.

ImadehimanAmericano,

tryingnottolookaspleased

asIfelttoseehim.‘Howdid

youknowwhereIworked?’

‘Wehadacall-outatgate

fourteen.Suspectedheart

attack.Jakeremindedmeyou

workedattheairportand,you

know,youweren’texactly

hardtotrackdown…’

Thebusinessmenwere

brieflymuted.Samwasthe

kindofman,Ihadnoticed,

whomadeothermengoabit

quiet.‘Donna’ssneakinga

lookinDutyFree.

Handbags.’

‘I’mguessingyou’veseen

yourpatient?’

Hegrinned.‘No.Iwas

goingtoaskfordirectionsto

gatefourteenafterI’dsat

downwithacoffee.’

‘Funny.Sodidyousave

hislife?’

‘Igavehersomeaspirin,

andadvisedherthatdrinking

fourdoubleespressosbefore

tena.m.wasnotthebestidea.

I’mflatteredthatyouhave

suchanexcitingviewofmy

workingday.’

Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.I

handedhimhiscoffee.He

tookagratefulswig.‘So.I

waswondering…Youupfor

anothernon-datesometime

soon?’

‘Withorwithoutan

ambulance?’

‘Definitelywithout.’

‘Canwediscussproblem

teenagers?’IfoundIwas

twirlingacurlylockofnylon-

fibrehairwithmyfingers.

Forcryingoutloud.Iwas

playingwithmyhairandit

wasn’tevenmyactualhair.I

droppedit.

‘Wecandiscusswhatever

youlike.’

‘Whatdidyouhavein

mind?’

Hispausewaslongenough

tomakemeblush.‘Dinner?

Atmine?Tonight?Ipromise

ifitrainsIwon’tmakeyou

sitinthediningroom.’

‘You’reon.’

‘I’llpickyouupatseven

thirty.’

Hewasjustgulpingdown

thelastofhiscoffeewhen

Richardappeared.Helooked

atSam,thenatme.Iwasstill

leaningagainstthebar,afew

inchesfromhim.‘Istherea

problem?’hesaid.

‘Noproblemwhatsoever,’

saidSam.Whenhestoodup,

hewasawholeheadtaller

thanRichard.

Afewfleetingthoughts

flickeredacrossRichard’s

face,sotransparentthatI

couldseetheprogressionof

eachone.Whyisthis

paramedichere?Whyis

Louisanotdoingsomething?

IwouldliketotellLouisaoff

fornotbeingobviouslybusy

butthismanistoobigand

thereisadynamicIdonot

entirelyunderstandandIam

alittlebitwaryofhim.It

almostmademelaughout

loud.

‘So.Tonight.’Samnodded

atme.‘Keepthewigon,yes?

Ilikeyouflammable.’

Oneofthebusinessmen,

floridandpleasedwith

himself,leanedbackinhis

chairsothathisstomach

strainedtheseamsofhis

shirt.‘Areyougoingtogive

usthelectureaboutalcohol

limitsnow?’

Theotherslaughed.

‘No,yougoahead,

gentlemen,’Samsaid,

salutingthem.‘I’lljustsee

youinayearortwo.’

Iwatchedhimheadoffto

Departures,joinedbyDonna

outsidethenewsagent.When

Iturnedbacktothebar

Richardwaswatchingme.‘I

havetosay,Louisa,Idon’t

approveofyourconducting

yoursociallifeinawork

setting,’hesaid.

‘Fine.NexttimeI’lltell

himtoignoretheheartattack

atgatefourteen.’

Richard’sjawtightened.

‘Andwhathesaidjustthen.

Aboutyourwearingyourwig

lateron.Thatwigisthe

propertyofShamrockand

CloverIrishThemedBars

Inc.Youarenotallowedto

wearitinyourowntime.’

ThistimeIcouldn’thelpit.

Istartedtolaugh.‘Really?’

Evenhehadthegraceto

flushalittle.‘It’scompany

policy.It’sclassifiedas

uniform.’

‘Damn,’Isaid.‘IguessI’ll

justhavetobuymyown

Irish-dancing-girlwigsin

future.Hey,Richard!’I

called,ashewalkedbackinto

theoffice,bristling.‘For

fairness,doesthatmeanyou

can’tgetjiggywithMrs

Percivalwhilewearingyour

polo-shirt?’

Iarrivedhometofindnosign

ofLily,otherthanacereal

packetonthekitchencounter

and,inexplicably,apileof

dirtonthefloorinthe

hallway.Itriedherphone,got

noresponse,andwondered

howyouwereevermeantto

findabalancebetweenOver-

anxiousParent,Normally

ConcernedParent,andTanya

Houghton-Miller.AndthenI

jumpedintotheshowerand

gotreadyformydatethat

absolutely,definitely,wasn’t

adate.

Itrained,theheavensopening

shortlyafterwearrivedat

Sam’sfield,andwewere

bothsoakedevenrunningthe

shortdistancefromhisbike

totherailwaycarriage.I

stooddrippingasheclosed

thedoorbehindme,

rememberinghowunpleasant

thesensationofwetsocks

was.

‘Staythere,’hesaid,

brushingthedropsfromhis

headwithahand.‘Youcan’t

sitaroundinthosewet

clothes.’

‘Thisisliketheopeningto

areallybadpornmovie,’I

said.HestoodverystillandI

realizedIhadactuallysaid

thewordsoutloud.Igave

himasmilethatwentabit

wonky.

‘Okay,’hesaid,raisinghis

eyebrows.

Hedisappearedintothe

backofthecarriageand

emergedaminutelaterwitha

jumperandwhatlookedlike

somejoggingbottoms.

‘Jake’sjoggers.Freshly

washed.Possiblynotvery

pornstar,though.’Hehanded

themtome.‘Myroom’sback

thereifyouwanttoget

changed,orthebathroom’s

throughthatdoor,ifyou’d

prefer.’

Iwalkedintohisbedroom

andclosedthedoorbehind

me.Abovemyheadtherain

beatnoisilyonthecarriage

roof,obscuringthewindows

withanever-endingstreamof

water.Iwonderedabout

drawingthecurtains,then

rememberedtherewas

nobodytoseeme,otherthan

thehens,whichwere

huddlingoutofthewet,

grumpilyshakingdropsfrom

theirfeathers.Ipulledoffmy

soakedtopandjeansand

driedmyselfwiththetowel

he’dplacedwiththeclothes.

Forfun,Iflashedthehens

throughthewindow,

something,Iobserved

afterwards,Lilymightdo.

Theydidn’tlookimpressed.I

heldthetoweltomyfaceand

sniffeditguiltily,like

someoneinhalingaforbidden

drug.Itwasfreshlylaundered

butsomehowstillmanagedto

smellirrevocablymale.I

hadn’tbreathedinascentlike

itsinceWill.Itmademefeel

brieflyunbalancedandIputit

down.

Thedoublebedfilledmost

ofthefloorspace.Anarrow

cupboardoppositeactedasa

wardrobe,andtwopairsof

workbootswereneatly

stackedinthecorner.There

wasabookonthenightstand

andbesideitaphotographof

Samwithasmilingwoman,

whoseblondehairwastied

upinamessyknot.Shehad

herarmaroundhisshoulders

andwasgrinningatthe

camera.Shewasnot

supermodelbeautiful,but

therewassomething

compellingabouthersmile.

Shelookedlikethekindof

womanwhowouldhave

laughedalot.Shelookedlike

afeminineversionofJake.I

feltsuddenlycrushinglysad

forhim,andhadtolookaway

beforeImademyselfsad,

too.SometimesIfeltasifwe

wereallwadingaroundin

grief,reluctanttoadmitto

othershowfarwewere

wavingordrowning.I

wonderedfleetinglywhether

Sam’sreluctancetotalk

abouthiswifemirroredmy

own,theknowledgethatthe

momentyouopenedthebox,

letoutevenawhisperofyour

sadness,itwouldmushroom

intoacloudthat

overwhelmedallother

conversation.

Icheckedmyself,tooka

breath.‘Justhaveanice

evening,’Imurmured,

recallingthewordsofthe

MovingOnCircle.Allow

yourselfmomentsof

happiness.

Iwipedthemascara

smudgesfromundermyeyes,

observinginthesmallmirror

thatlittlecouldbedonefor

myhair.ThenIpulledSam’s

oversizedsweaterovermy

head,tryingtoignorethe

weirdintimacythatcame

fromwearingaman’s

clothes,pulledonJake’s

joggersandgazedatmy

reflection.

Whatdoyouthink,Will?

Justaniceevening.Itdoesn’t

havetomeananything,right?

SamgrinnedasIemerged,

rollingupthesleevesofhis

jumper.‘Youlookabout

twelve.’

Iwentintothebathroom,

wrungoutmyjeans,shirtand

socksinthesink,thenhung

themovertheshowercurtain.

‘What’scooking?’

‘Well,Iwasgoingtodoa

salad,butit’snotreallysalad

weatheranymore.SoI’m

improvising.’

Hehadsetapotofwater

boilingonthestove,whereit

hadfoggedthewindows.

‘Youeatpasta,right?’

‘Ieatanything.’

‘Excellent.’

Heopenedabottleofwine

andpouredmeaglass,

motioningmetothebench

seat.Infrontofmethelittle

tablehadbeenlaidfortwo,

andIfeltafaintfrissonatthe

sight.Itwasokayjustto

enjoyamoment,asmall

pleasure.Ihadbeenout

dancing.Ihadflashedsome

hens.AndnowIwasgoingto

enjoyspendinganevening

withamanwhowantedto

cookmedinner.Itwasall

progress,ofsorts.

PerhapsSamdetected

somethingofthisinternal

strugglebecausehewaited

untilItookmyfirstsip,then

said,whilestirringsomething

onthehob,‘Wasthattheboss

youweretalkingabout?That

mantoday?’

Thewinewasdelicious.I

tookanothersip.Ihadn’t

dareddrinkwhileLilyhad

beenwithme:Imighthave

letmyguarddown.‘Yup.’

‘Iknowthetype.Ifit’sany

consolation,withinfiveyears

he’lleitherhaveastomach

ulcerorenoughhypertension

tocauseerectiledysfunction.’

Ilaughed.‘Boththose

thoughtsareoddly

comforting.’

Finallyhesatdown,

presentingmewitha

steamingbowlofpasta.

‘Cheers,’hesaid,raisinga

glassofwater.‘Andnowtell

mewhat’sgoingonwiththis

long-lostgirlofyours.’

Oh,butitwassuchareliefto

havesomeonetotalkto.I

wassounusedtopeoplewho

actuallylistened–asopposed

tothose,atthebar,whoonly

wantedtohearthesoundof

theirownvoices–that

talkingtoSamwasa

revelation.Hedidn’t

interrupt,ortellmewhathe

thought,orwhatIshoulddo.

Helistened,andnodded,and

toppedupmywineandsaid,

finally,whenitwaslongdark

outside,‘It’squitea

responsibilityyou’vetaken

on.’

Ileanedbackonthebench

andputmyfeetup.‘Idon’t

feellikeIhaveachoice.I

keepaskingmyselfwhatyou

said:whatwouldWillwant

metodo?’Itookanothersip.

‘It’sharderthanI’dimagined,

though.IthoughtI’djust

dropherintomeether

grandmotherandgrandfather

andeveryonewouldbe

delightedanditwouldbea

happyending,likethose

reunionprogrammeson

television.’

Hestudiedhishands.I

studiedhim.

‘YouthinkI’mmadgetting

involved.’

‘No.Toomanypeople

followtheirownhappiness

withoutathoughtforthe

damagetheyleaveintheir

wake.Youwouldn’tbelieve

thekidsIpickupatthe

weekends,drunk,drugged,

offtheirheads,whatever.The

parentsarewrappedupin

theirownstuff,orhave

disappearedcompletely,so

theyexistinavacuum,and

theymakebadchoices.’

‘Isitworsethanitusedto

be?’

‘Whoknows?Ionlyknow

Iseeallthesemessedupkids.

Andthatthehospital’syoung

persons’psychhasawaiting

listaslongasyourarm.’He

smiledwryly.‘Holdthat

soapbox.Ineedtoshutthe

birdsupforthenight.’

Iwantedtoaskhimthen

howsomeonesoapparently

wisecouldbesocarelessof

hisownson’sfeelings.I

wantedtoaskifheknewhow

unhappyJakewas.Butit

seemedabittoo

confrontational,giventhe

wayhewastalking,andthe

factthathehadjustcooked

meaverynicesupper…I

wasdistractedbythesightof

thehenspoppingoneata

timeintotheircoop,andthen

hecameback,bringingwith

himthefaintscentsof

outside,andthecoolerair,

andthemomentpassed.

Hepouredmorewine,and

Idrankit.Iletmyselftake

pleasureinthesnugnessof

thelittlerailwaycarriage,and

thesensationofaproperly

fullbelly,andIlistenedto

Samtalk.Hetoldofnights

holdingthehandsofelderly

peoplewhodidn’twantto

makeafuss,andof

managementtargetsthatleft

themalldemoralized,feeling

theyweren’tdoingthejob

they’dbeentrainedfor.I

listened,losingmyselfina

worldfarfrommyown,

watchinghishandsdraw

animatedcirclesintheair,his

ruefulsmilewhenhefelthe

wastakinghimselftoo

seriously.Iwatchedhis

hands.Iwatchedhishands.

IcolouredslightlyasI

realizedwheremythoughts

wereheaded,andtook

anotherswigofmywineto

hideit.‘Where’sJake

tonight?’

‘Barelyseenhim.Athis

girlfriend’s,Ithink.’He

lookedrueful.‘Shehasthis

Waltons-stylefamily,abouta

billionbrothersandsisters

andamumwho’shomeall

day.Helikeshangingout

there.’Hetookanothersipof

hiswater.‘Sowhere’sLily?’

‘Don’tknow.Itextedher

twicebutshehasn’tbothered

toreply.’

Thesheerpresenceofhim.

Itwaslikehewastwiceas

largeandtwiceasvividas

othermen.Mythoughtskept

drifting,pulledontides

towardshiseyes,which

narrowedslightlyashe

listened,asifheweretrying

toensurehehadunderstood

meperfectly…Thefainthint

ofstubbleonhisjaw,the

shapeofhisshoulderunder

thesoftwoolofhisjumper.

Mygazekeptsliding

downwardstohishands,

restingonthetable,fingers

absentlytappingonthe

surface.Suchcapablehands.

Irememberedthetenderness

withwhichhehadcradledmy

head,thewayIhadheldonto

himintheambulanceasifhe

weretheonlythinganchoring

me.Helookedatmeand

smiled,agentleenquiryinit,

andsomethinginmeturned

molten.Woulditbesobad,

aslongasmyeyeswere

open?

‘Youwantacoffee,

Louisa?’

Hehadthiswayoflooking

atme.Ishookmyhead.

‘Doyouwant–’

BeforeIcouldthinkabout

it,Ileanedacrossthelittle

table,reachedforthebackof

hisheadandkissedhim.He

hesitatedforjustamoment

thenshiftedforward,and

kissedmeback.Atsome

pointIthinksomeone

knockedoverawineglassbut

Icouldn’tstop.Iwantedto

kisshimforever.Iblocked

outallthoughtsaboutwhat

thiswas,whatitmightmean,

whatfurthermessImight

createformyself.C’mon,

live,Itoldmyself.AndI

kissedhimuntilreason

seepedoutthroughmypores

andIbecamealivingpulse,

aliveonlytowhatIwantedto

dotohim.

Hepulledbackfirst,

slightlydazed.‘Louisa–’

Apieceofcutleryclattered

tothefloor.Istoodandhe

stood,andpulledmetohim.

Andsuddenlywewere

crashingaroundthelittle

railwaycarriage,allhands

andlipsand,ohGod,the

scentandtasteandfeelof

him.Itwasliketiny

fireworksgoingoffallover

me,bitsofmeI’dthought

deadreignitingintolife.He

pickedmeupandIwrapped

myselfaroundhim,allbulk

andstrengthandmuscle.I

kissedhisface,hisear,my

fingersinhissoftdarkhair.

Andthenhestoodmeback

downandwewereinches

apart,hiseyesonme,his

expressionasilentquestion.

Iwasbreathinghard.‘I

haven’ttakenmyclothesoff

infrontofanyonesince…

theaccident,’Isaid.

‘It’sokay.I’mmedically

trained.’

‘I’mserious.I’mabitofa

mess.’Ifeltsuddenly,oddly

tearful.

‘Youwantmetomakeyou

feelbetter?’

‘That’sthecheesiestline

I’ve–’

Heliftedhisshirt,

revealingatwo-inchpurple

scaracrosshisstomach.

‘There.Stabbedbyan

Australianwithmental-health

issuesfouryearsago.Here.’

Heturnedtorevealahuge

greenandyellowbruise

acrosshislowerback.‘Gota

kickingfromadrunklast

Saturday.Woman.’Heheld

outhishand.‘Brokenfinger.

Caughtinagurneywhile

liftinganoverweightpatient.

And,oh,yes–here.’He

showedmehiship,along

whichranashort,silvery,

jaggedlinewiththestitch

marksjustaboutvisible.

‘Puncturewound,unknown

provenance,nightclubfightin

HackneyRoadlastyear.The

copsneverworkedoutwho

didit.’

Ilookedatthesolidityof

him,atthesmatteringof

scars.‘What’sthatone?’I

said,gentlytouchinga

smallerscaronthesideofhis

stomach.Hisskinwashot

underhisshirt.

‘That?Oh.Appendix.I

wasnine.’

Igazedathistorso,then

hisface.Thenholdinghis

gaze,Iliftedthejumper

slowlyovermyhead.I

shiveredinvoluntarily,

whetherfromthecoolerairor

nervesIcouldn’ttell.He

movedcloser,soclosethathe

wasinchesfromme,andran

hisfingergentlyalongthe

lineofmyhip.‘Iremember

this.IrememberIcouldfeel

thebreakhere.’Heranit

gentlyacrossmybare

stomach,sothatmymuscles

contracted.‘Andthere.You

hadthisbloomofpurpleon

yourskin.Iwasafraiditwas

organdamage.’Heplacedhis

palmagainstit.Itwaswarm,

andmybreathcaught.

‘Ineverthoughtthewords

“organdamage”couldsound

sexybefore.’

‘Oh,Ihaven’tstartedyet.’

Hewalkedmeslowly

backwardstowardshisbed.I

satdown,myeyesonhis,and

heknelt,runninghishands

downmylegs.‘Andthen

therewasthat.’Hepickedup

myrightfoot,withthevivid

redscaracrossthetop.He

tracedthelineofittenderly

withhisthumb.‘There.

Broken.Softtissuedamage.

Thatonewouldhavehurt.’

‘Yourememberalot.’

‘MostpeopleIcouldn’t

recognizeinthestreetaday

later.Butyou,Louisa,well,

youkindofstuck.’Hedipped

hisheadandkissedthetopof

myfoot,thenslowlyranhis

handsupmylegandplaced

themeithersideofme,sothat

hewasaboveme,supporting

hisownweight.‘Nothing

hurtsnow,right?’

Ishookmyhead,mute.I

didn’tcareanymore.Ididn’t

careifhewasacompulsive

shaggerorplayinggames.I

wassooverwhelmedwith

wantinghimIdidn’tactually

careifhebrokemyotherhip.

Hemovedacrossme,inch

byinch,likeatide,andIlay

backsothatIwasflatonthe

bed.Witheachmovementmy

breathbecameshalloweruntil

itwasallIcouldhearinthe

silence.Hegazeddownat

me,thenclosedhiseyesand

kissedme,slowlyand

tenderly.Hekissedmeand

lethisweightfallontome

justfarenoughthatIfeltthe

deliciouspowerlessnessof

lust,thehardnessofabody

againstmine.Wekissed,his

lipsonmyneck,hisskin

againstmyskin,untilIwas

giddywithit,untilIwas

archinginvoluntarilyagainst

him,mylegswrappedaround

him.

‘Oh,God,’Isaid,

breathlessly,whenwecame

upforair.‘Iwishyouweren’t

sototallywrongforme.’

Hiseyebrowsshotup.

‘That’s–uh–seductive.’

‘You’renotgoingtocry

afterwards,areyou?’

Heblinked.‘Er…no.’

‘Andjustsoyouknow,I’m

notsomeweirdobsessive.

I’mnotgoingtofollowyou

aroundafterwards.Orask

Jaketotellmethingsabout

youwhileyou’reinthe

shower.’

‘That’s…that’sgoodto

know.’

Andoncewehad

establishedthegroundrules,I

flippedoversothatIwason

topofhimandkissedhim

untilIhadforgotten

everythingwehadjusttalked

about.

AnhourandahalflaterIwas

lyingonmybackandgazing

dazedlyupatthelowceiling.

Myskinbuzzed,mybones

hummed,IachedinplacesI

hadn’tknowncouldache,yet

Iwaspossessedwithan

extraordinarysenseofpeace,

asifthecoreofmehad

simplymeltedandsettledinto

anewshape.Iwasn’tsureI

wouldevergetupagain.

Youneverknowwhatwill

happenwhenyoufallfroma

greatheight.

Thatsurelywasn’tme.I

colouredasIthoughtbackto

eventwentyminutes

previously.DidIreally–and

didI…Memorieschased

themselvesinhotcircles.I

hadneverhadsexlikethat.

Notinsevenyearswith

Patrick.Itwaslikecomparing

acheesesandwichwith…

what?Themostincredible

hautecuisine?Anenormous

steak?Igiggledinvoluntarily

andclampedahandovermy

mouth.Ifeltutterlyunlike

myself.

Samhaddozedoffbeside

meandIturnedmyheadto

lookathim.Oh,myGod,I

thought,marvellingatthe

planesofhisface,hislips–it

wasimpossibletolookathim

andnotwanttotouchhim.I

wonderedwhetherIshould

movemyfacealittlebit

closerandmyhandsothatI

could–

‘Hey,’hesaidsoftly,his

eyesslantedwithsleep.

…andthenithitme.

Oh,God.I’vebecomeone

ofthem.

Wedressedinnearsilence.

Samofferedtomakemetea,

butIsaidIshouldprobably

getbackasIneededtocheck

whetherLilywashome.‘Her

familybeingonholidayand

all.’Ituggedmyfingers

throughmynow-mattedhair.

‘Sure.Oh.Youwanttogo

now?’

‘Yes…please.’

Ifetchedmyclothesfrom

thebathroom,feelingself-

consciousandsuddenly

sober.Icouldn’tlethimsee

howunbalancedIwas.Every

bitofmewasfocusedon

tryingtore-distancemyself

anditmademeawkward.

WhenIcameouthewas

dressedandtidyingupthe

lastofthesupperthings.I

triednottolookathim.It

waseasierthatway.

‘CouldIborrowthese

clothestogohome?Mineare

stilldamp.’

‘Sure.Just…whatever.’

Herifledinadrawerandheld

outaplasticbag.

Itookitandwestoodthere

inthedarkspace.‘Itwasa…

niceevening.’

‘“Nice”.’Helookedatme

asifheweretryingtowork

somethingout.‘Okay.’

Aswerodethroughthedamp

night,Itriednottorestmy

cheekagainsthisback.He

insistedonlendingmea

leatherjacket,althoughIhad

insistedI’dbefine.Afew

milesin,theairwascoldand

Iwasgladofit.Wemadeit

backtomyflatbyaquarter

pasteleven,althoughIhadto

checkwhenIsawtheclock.I

feltlikeI’dlivedseveral

lifetimessincehe’dpicked

meup.

Idismountedfromthebike

andstartedtotakeoffhis

jacket.Buthepusheddown

hiskickstandwithhisheel.

‘It’slate.Letmeatleastsee

youupstairs.’

Ihesitated.‘Okay.Ifyou

waitIcangiveyoubackyour

clothes.’

Itriedtosoundinsouciant.

Hegaveashrugandfollowed

metothedoor.

Weemergedfromthe

stairwelltothesoundof

musicthumpingdownthe

hallway.Iknewimmediately

whereitwascomingfrom.I

limpedbrisklydownthe

corridor,pausedoutsidethe

flatandopenedthedoor

slowly.Lilystoodinthe

middleofthehall,cigarettein

onehand,aglassofwinein

theother.Shewaswearinga

yellowflowereddressIhad

boughtfromavintage

boutique,backinthedays

whenIcaredaboutwhatI

wore.Istared–andit’s

possiblethatwhenI

registeredwhatelseshewas

wearingIstumbled:Ifelt

Samreachformyarm.

‘Niceleathers,Louisa!’

Lilypointedhertoe.She

waswearingmygreen

glitteryshoes.‘Whydon’t

youwearthese?Youhaveall

thesecrazyoutfitsyetyou

justwear,like,jeansandT-

shirtsandstuffeveryday.

Soooboring!’

Shewalkedbackintomy

roomandemergedaminute

later,holdingupagold

seventieslaméjumpsuitI

usedtopairwithbrown

boots.‘Imean,lookatthis!I

havetotalandutterjumpsuit

envyrightnow.’

‘Getthemoff,’Isaid,

whenIcouldspeak.

‘What?’

‘Thosetights.Getthem

off.’Myvoiceemerged

strangledandunrecognizable.

Lilylookeddownatthe

blackandyellowtights.‘No,

seriouslythough,youhave

somepropervintagegearin

there.Biba,DVF.Thatpurple

Chaneltypething.Doyou

knowwhatthisstuffis

worth?’

‘Getthemoff.’

Perhapsregisteringmy

suddenrigidity,Sambeganto

propelmeforwards.‘Look,

whydon’twegothroughto

thelivingroomand–’

‘I’mnotmovinguntilshe

takesthosetightsoff.’

Lilypulledaface.

‘Jesus.Noneedtohavea

babyaboutit.’

Iwatched,vibratingwith

anger,asLilybegantopeel

downmybumble-beetights,

kickingatthemwhenthey

wouldn’tslideoffherfeet.

‘Don’tripthem!’

‘It’sjustapairoftights.’

‘Theyarenotjustapairof

tights.Theywere…agift.’

‘Stillapairoftights,’she

muttered.

Shefinallygotthemoff,

leavingtheminablackand

yellowheaponthefloor.In

theotherroomIcouldhear

theclatterofhangersasthe

restofmyclotheswere

presumablybeinghastily

replaced.

Amomentlater,Lily

appearedinthelivingroom.

Inherbraandknickers.She

waiteduntilshecouldbesure

shehadourattention,then

pulledashortdressslowly

andostentatiouslyoverher

head,wigglingasitwentover

herslim,palehips.Thenshe

smiledatmesweetly.‘I’m

goingclubbing.Don’twait

up.Nicetoseeyouagain,Mr

–’

‘Fielding,’saidSam.

‘MrFielding.’Shesmiled

atme.Asmilethatwasn’ta

smileatall.Andwithaslam

ofthedoor,shewasgone.

Iletoutashakybreath,

thenwalkedoverand

retrievedthetights.Isat

downonthesofaand

straightenedthemout,

smoothingthemuntilIcould

besuretherewerenosnags

orcigaretteburns.

Samsatdownbesideme.

‘Youokay?’hesaid.

‘I’mknowyoumustthink

I’mcrazy,’Isaideventually,

‘buttheywerea–’

‘Youdon’thaveto

explain.’

‘Iwasadifferentperson.

Theymeantthat–Iwas–he

gave…’Myvoicewas

choked.

Wesatthereinthesilent

flat.IknewIshouldsay

somethingbutIwaslostfor

words,andtherewasan

enormouslumpinmythroat.

ItookSam’sjacketoff,

andhelditouttohim.‘It’s

fine,’Isaid.‘Youdon’thave

tostay.’

Ifelthiseyesonmebut

didn’traiseminefromthe

floor.

‘I’llleaveyoutoitthen.’

Andthen,beforeIcould

sayanythingelse,hewas

gone.

C H A P T E R F O U RT E E N

IwaslatetotheMovingOn

Circlethatweek.Havingleft

meacoffee,perhapsinlieu

ofanapology,Lilyhad

subsequentlyspiltgreenpaint

onthehallfloor,leftatubof

icecreamtomeltontheside

inthekitchen,takenmydoor

keys,withmycarkey

attached,becauseshe

couldn’tfindherown,and

borrowedmywigforanight

outwithoutasking.Ihad

recovereditfromthefloorof

herbedroom.WhenIputit

on,IlookedasifanOld

EnglishSheepdogweredoing

somethingunmentionableto

myhead.

BythetimeIreachedthe

churchhall,everyoneelse

wassittingdown.Natasha

movedobliginglysothatI

couldtaketheplasticchair

besideher.

‘Tonightwe’retalking

aboutsignsthatwemightbe

movingon,’saidMarc,who

washoldingamugoftea.

‘Thesedon’thavetobehuge

things–newrelationships,or

throwingoutclothesor

whatever.Justsmallthings

thatmakeusseetheremaybe

awaythroughgrief.It’s

surprisinghowmanyofthese

signsgounnoticed,orwe

refusetoacknowledgethem

becausewefeelguiltyfor

movingforward.’

‘Ijoinedadatingwebsite,’

saidFred.‘It’scalledMayto

December.’

Therewasalowhumof

surpriseandapproval.

‘That’sveryencouraging,

Fred.’Marcsippedhistea.

‘Whatareyouhopingtoget

fromit?Somecompany?I

rememberyousaidyou

particularlymissedhaving

someonetogoforawalk

withonSundayafternoons.

Downbytheduckpond,

wasn’tit,whereyouandyour

wifeusedtogo?’

‘Oh,no.It’sforinternet

sex.’

Marcspluttered.Therewas

abriefpausewhilesomeone

handedhimatissuetomop

theteaoffhistrousers.

‘Internetsex.That’swhat

they’realldoing,isn’tit?I’ve

joinedthreesites.’Fredheld

uphishand,countingthem

offonhisfingers.‘Mayto

December,that’sforyoung

womenwholikeoldermen,

Sugar-Papas,foryoung

womenwholikeoldermen

withmoney,and…um…

HotStuds.’Hepaused.‘They

weren’tspecific.’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘It’snicetobeoptimistic,

Fred,’saidNatasha.

‘Howaboutyou,Louisa?’

‘Um…’Ihesitated,given

Jakewasinfrontofme,and

thenthought,Whatthehell?

‘Iactuallywentonadatethis

weekend.’

Therewasalowwoo-hoo!

fromothermembersofthe

group.Ilookeddownalittle

sheepishly.Icouldn’teven

thinkaboutthatnightwithout

colourseepingintomyface.

‘Andhowdiditgo?’

‘Itwas…surprising.’

‘Sheshaggedsomeone.

Shetotallyshagged

someone,’saidNatasha.

‘She’sgotthatglow,’said

William.

‘Didhehavemoves?’said

Fred.‘Gotanytips?’

‘Andyoumanagedtonot

thinkaboutBilltoomuch?’

‘Notenoughtostopme…

IjustfeltIwantedtodo

somethingthat…’Ishrugged

‘…Ijustwantedtofeel

alive.’

Therewasamurmurof

agreementatthatword.It

waswhatweallwanted,

ultimately,tobefreedfrom

ourgrief.Tobereleasedfrom

thisunderworldofthedead,

halfourheartslost

underground,ortrappedin

littleporcelainurns.Itfelt

goodtohavesomething

positivetosayforonce.

Marcnodded

encouragingly.‘Ithinkit

soundsveryhealthy.’

IlistenedtoSunilsaythat

hehadstartedtolistento

musicagain,andNatashatalk

abouthowshehadmoved

someofthepicturesofher

husbandfromthelivingroom

toherbedroom‘sothatI

don’tenduptalkingabout

himeverysingletime

somebodycomesround’.

Daphnehadstoppedsniffing

herhusband’sshirts,

furtively,inhiswardrobe.‘If

I’mhonest,theydidn’treally

smellofhimanymore

anyway.Ithinkitwasjusta

habitI’dgotinto.’

‘Andyou,Jake?’

Hestilllookedmiserable.

‘Igooutmore,Is’pose.’

‘Haveyoutalkedtoyour

fatheraboutyourfeelings?’

‘No.’

Itriednottolookathimas

hespoke.Ifeltoddlyraw,not

knowingwhatheknew.

‘Ithinkhelikessomeone,

though.’

‘Moreshagging?’said

Fred.

‘No,Imeanasinproperly

likessomeone.’

Icouldfeelmyself

blushing.Itriedrubbingatan

invisiblemarkonmyshoein

anattempttohidemyface.

‘Whatmakesyouthink

that,Jake?’

‘Hestartedtalkingabout

heroverbreakfasttheother

day.Hewassayingthathe

thoughthewasgoingtostop

thewholepicking-up-

random-womenthing.That

hehadmetsomeoneandhe

mightwanttomakeagoofit

withher.’

Iwasglowinglikea

beacon.Icouldn’tbelieve

thatnobodyelseintheroom

wasabletoseeit.

‘Sodoyouthinkhe’s

finallyworkedoutthat

reboundrelationshipsarenot

thewayforward?Perhapshe

justneededafewpartners

beforehefellinlovewith

someoneagain.’

‘He’sdonealotof

rebounding,’saidWilliam.

‘ActualSpaceHopperlevels

ofrebounding.’

‘Jake?Howdoesthatmake

youfeel?’saidMarc.

‘Abitweird.Imean,Imiss

mymum,butIdothinkit’s

probablygoodthathe’s

movingon.’

Itriedtoimaginewhat

Samhadsaid.Hadhe

mentionedmebyname?I

couldpicturethetwoofthem

inthekitchenofthelittle

railwaycarriage,havingthis

earnestdiscussionovertea

andtoast.Mycheekswere

aflame.Iwasn’tsureI

wantedSamtomake

assumptionsaboutussoearly

on.Ishouldhavebeenclearer

thatithadn’tmeantwewere

inarelationship.Itwastoo

soon.Andtoosoontohave

Jakediscussingusinpublic.

‘Andhaveyoumetthe

woman?’saidNatasha.‘Do

youlikeher?’

Jakeduckedhishead.

‘Yeah.Thatwasthereally

crapbit.’

Iglancedup.

‘Heaskedherroundfor

brunchonSunday,andshe

wasatotalnightmare.She

worethissuper-tighttopand

shekeptputtingherarm

aroundmelikesheknewme,

andlaughingtooloudly,and

thenwhenmydadwasinthe

gardenshewouldlookatme

withthesebigroundeyesand

go,“Andhowareyou?”with

thisreallyannoyingheadtilt.’

‘Oh,theheadtilt,’said

William,andtherewasalow

murmurofagreement.

Everyoneknewtheheadtilt.

‘AndwhenDadwasthere

shejustgiggledandflicked

herhairallthetime,likeshe

wastryingtobeateenager

eventhoughshewasplainly

atleastthirty.’Hewrinkled

hisnoseindisgust.

‘Thirty!’saidDaphne,her

gazeslidingsideways.

‘Imagine!’

‘Iactuallypreferredthe

onewhousedtoquizme

aboutwhathewasupto.At

leastshedidn’tpretendtobe

mybestfriend.’

Icouldbarelyheartherest

ofwhathesaid.Adistant

ringinghadbeguninmyears,

drowningoutallsound.How

couldIhavebeensostupid?I

suddenlyrecalledJake’seye

rollthefirsttimehehad

watchedSamchattingmeup.

Therewasmywarning,right

there,andIhadbeenstupid

enoughtoignoreit.

Ifelthotandshaky.I

couldn’tstaythere.Icouldn’t

listentoanymore.‘Um…I

justremembered.Ihavean

appointment,’Imumbled,

gatheringupmybagand

boltingfrommyseat.‘Sorry.’

‘Everythingallright,

Louisa?’saidMarc.

‘Totallyfine.Gottodash.’

Iranforthedoor,myfake

smileplasteredonmyfaceso

tightlythatitwaspainful.

Hewasthere.Ofcoursehe

was.Hehadjustpulledupon

thebikeinthecarparkand

wasremovinghishelmet.I

emergedfromthechurchhall

andstoppedatthetopofthe

steps,wonderingiftherewas

anywayIcouldgettomycar

withoutpassinghim,butit

washopeless.Thephysical

partofmybrainregistered

theshapeofhimbeforethe

remainingsynapsescaught

up:aflushofpleasure,the

flashofmemoryofhowhis

handshadfeltonme.And

thenthatblazinganger,the

bloodpulseofhumiliation.

‘Hey,’hesaid,ashecaught

sightofme,hissmileeasy,

hiseyescrinklingwith

pleasure.Thefecking

charmer.

Islowedmystepjustlong

enoughforhimtoregisterthe

hurtonmyface.Ididn’tcare.

IfeltlikeLilysuddenly.Iwas

notgoingtointernalizethis.

Thishadnotbeenme

climbingoutofoneperson’s

bedandstraightintoanother.

‘Nicejob,youutter,utter

wanker,’Ispat,thenranpast

himtomycarbeforethe

chokeinmyvoicecouldturn

intoanactualsob.

Theweek,asifinresponseto

someunheardmaligndog

whistle,actuallymanagedto

godownhillfromthere.

Richardgreweverpickier,

complainedthatwedidn’t

smileenoughandthatour

lackof‘cheerybantz’with

thecustomerswassending

travellersalongthewaytothe

WingsintheAirBarand

Grill.Theweatherturned,

sendingtheskiesagunmetal

greyanddelayingflightswith

tropicalrainstorms,sothe

airportwasfilledwithbad-

temperedpassengers,and

then,withimmaculatetiming,

thebaggagehandlerswenton

strike.‘Whatcanyouexpect?

Mercuryisinretrograde,’

saidVera,savagely,and

growledatacustomerwho

askedforlessfrothonhis

cappuccino.

Athome,Lilyarrived

underherowndarkcloud.

Shesatinmylivingroom,

gluedtohermobilephone,

butwhateverwasonit

seemedtogiveherno

pleasure.Shewouldstareout

ofthewindow,stony-faced,

asherfatherhad,asifshe

werejustastrappedashehad

been.Ihadtriedtoexplain

thatWillhadgivenmethe

yellowandblacktights,that

theirsignificancewasnotin

thecolourorthequality,but

thatthey–

‘Yeah,yeah,tights.

Whatever,’shesaid.

ForthreenightsIbarely

slept.Istaredatmyceiling,

firedbyastone-coldfurythat

lodgedinmychestand

refusedtogoaway.Iwasso

angrywithSam.ButIwas

angrierwithmyself.He

textedtwice,amaddeningly

faux-innocent‘??’,towhichI

didn’ttrustmyselftorespond.

Ihaddonetheclassicthing

womendoofignoring

everythingamansaysor

does,preferringtolistento

theirowninsistentdrumbeat:

Itwillbedifferentwithme.I

hadkissedhim.Ihadmade

thewholethinghappen.SoI

hadonlymyselftoblame.

ItriedtotellmyselfI’d

probablyhadaluckyescape.

Itoldmyself,withlittle

internalexclamationmarks,

thatitwasbettertofindout

now,ratherthaninsix

months’time!Itriedtoview

itthroughMarc’seyes:itwas

goodtohavemovedon!I

couldchalkthisoneupto

experience!Atleastthesex

wasgood!Andthenthe

stupidhottearswouldleak

outofmystupideyesandI

wouldscrewthemupandtell

myselfthatthiswaswhatyou

gotforlettinganyoneclose.

Depression,wehadlearnedin

thegroup,lovesavacuum.

Farbettertobedoing,orat

leastplanning.Sometimesthe

illusionofhappinesscould

inadvertentlycreateit.Sickof

cominghometofindLily

prostrateonmysofaevery

evening,andjustassickof

tryingnottolookirritatedby

it,onFridaynightItoldher

thatwewouldgotoseeMrs

Traynorthefollowingday.

‘Butyousaidshedidn’t

replytoyourletter.’

‘Maybeshedidn’tgetit.

Whatever.AtsomepointMr

Traynorisgoingtotellhis

familyaboutyou,sowe

mightaswellgoandseeher

beforethathappens.’

Shedidn’tsayanything.I

tookthatasatacitsignof

agreement,andlefthertoit.

ThatnightIfoundmyself

goingthroughtheclothesthat

Lilyhadpulledoutofthe

packingcase,theclothesI

hadignoredsinceleaving

EnglandforParistwoyears

previously.Therehadbeen

nopointinwearingthem.I

hadn’tfeltlikethatperson

sinceWilldied.

Now,though,itfelt

importanttoputsomething

onthatwasneitherjeansnor

agreenIrish-dancing-girl

outfit.Ifoundanavymini-

dressIhadoncelovedthat

seemedsoberenoughfora

slightlyformalvisit,ironedit

andputittooneside.Itold

Lilywewouldbeleavingat

ninethefollowingmorning

andwenttobed,wondering

athowexhaustingitwasto

liveinahomewithsomeone

whobelievedthatanyspeech

morethanagruntwassimply

asuperhumansteptoofar.

TenminutesafterIhad

closedmydoor,a

handwrittennotewaspushed

underit.

DearLouisa

I’msorryIborrowed

yourclothes.Andthanksfor

everything.IknowI’ma

painsometimes.

Sorry.

Lilyxxx

PSYoushouldtotallywear

thoseclothesthough.They

areWAYbetterthanthat

stuffyouwear.

Iopenedthedoor,andLily

wasstandingthere,

unsmiling.Shestepped

forwardsandgavemeabrief,

emphatichug,sotightthat

myribshurt.Thensheturned

and,withoutaword,

disappearedbackintothe

livingroom.

Thedaydawnedbrighter,and

ourmoodliftedalittlewithit.

Wedroveseveralhourstoa

tinyvillageinOxfordshire,a

placeofwalledgardensand

mustard-tinted,sun-baked

stonewalls.Iprattledon

duringthejourney,mostlyto

hidemynervesaboutseeing

MrsTraynoragain.The

hardestthingabouttalkingto

teenagers,Ihaddiscovered,

wasthatwhateveryousaid

inevitablycameacrosslike

someone’selderlyauntata

wedding.

‘Sowhatthingsdoyoulike

doing?Whenyou’renotat

school?’

Sheshrugged.

‘Whatdoyouthinkyou

mightwanttodoafteryou

leave?’

Shegavemethelook.

‘Youmusthavehad

hobbiesgrowingup?’

Shereeledoffadizzying

list:show-jumping,lacrosse,

hockey,piano(gradefive),

cross-countryrunning,

county-leveltennis.

‘Allthat?Andyoudidn’t

wanttokeepanyofitup?’

Shesniffedandshrugged

simultaneously,thenputher

feetuponthedashboard,asif

theconversationwereclosed.

‘Yourfatherlovedto

travel,’Iremarked,afew

mileson.

‘Yousaid.’

‘Heoncetoldmehe’dbeen

everywhereexceptNorth

Korea.AndDisneyland.He

couldtellstoriesaboutplaces

I’dneverevenheardof.’

‘Peoplemyagedon’tgoon

adventures.There’snowhere

lefttodiscover.Andpeople

whobackpackintheirgap

yearareunbelievablytedious.

Alwaysyakkingonabout

somebartheydiscoveredon

KoPhangYan,orhowthey

scoredamazingdrugsinthe

Burmeserainforest.’

‘Youdon’thaveto

backpack.’

‘Yeah,butonceyou’ve

seentheinsideofone

MandarinOrientalyou’ve

seenthemall.’Sheyawned.

‘Iwenttoschoolnearhere

once,’sheobservedlater,

peeringoutofthewindow.‘It

wastheonlyschoolIactually

liked.’Shepaused.‘Ihada

friendcalledHolly.’

‘Whathappened?’

‘Mumgotobsessedwith

theideathatitwasn’tthe

rightsortofschool.Shesaid

theyweren’tfarenoughup

theleaguetablesor

something.Itwasjustsome

littleboarding-school.Not

academic.Sotheymovedme.

AfterthatIcouldn’tbearsed

makingfriends.What’sthe

pointifthey’rejustgoingto

moveyouonagain?’

‘Didyoukeepintouch

withHolly?’

‘Notreally.There’sno

pointwhenyoucan’tactually

seeeachother.’

Ihadavaguememoryof

theintensityofteenage

femalerelationships,moreof

apassionthananormal

friendship.‘Whatdoyou

thinkyou’lldo?Imeanifyou

reallyaren’tgoingtogoback

toschool.’

‘Idon’tlikethinking

ahead.’

‘Butyou’regoingtohave

tothinkaboutsomething,

Lily.’

Sheclosedhereyesfora

minute,thenputherfeet

downandpeeledsomepurple

varnishoffherthumbnail.‘I

don’tknow,Louisa.Perhaps

I’lljustfollowyouramazing

exampleanddoallthe

excitingthingsthatyoudo.’

Itookthreedeepbreaths,

justtopreventmyself

stoppingthecaronthe

motorway.Nerves,Itold

myself.Itwasjusthernerves.

Andthen,toannoyher,I

turnedonRadio2really

loudlyandkeptittherethe

restoftheway.

WefoundFourAcresLane

withhelpfromalocaldog-

walker,andpulledupoutside

Fox’sCottage,amodest

white-renderedbuildingwith

athatchedroof.Outside,

scarletrosestumbledaround

anironarchatthestartofthe

gardenpath,anddelicately

colouredbloomsfoughtfor

spaceinneatlytendedbeds.

Asmallhatchbacksatinthe

drive.

‘She’sgonedowninthe

world,’saidLily,peeringout.

‘It’spretty.’

‘It’sashoebox.’

Isat,listeningtotheengine

tickdown.‘Listen,Lily.

Beforewegoin.Justdon’t

expecttoomuch,’Isaid.‘Mrs

Traynor’ssortofformal.She

takesrefugeinmanners.

She’llprobablyspeaktoyou

likeshe’sateacher.Imean,I

don’tthinkshe’llhugyou,

likeMrTraynordid.’

‘Mygrandfatherisa

hypocrite.’Lilysniffed.‘He

makesoutlikeyou’rethe

greatestthingever,butreally

he’sjustpussy-whipped.’

‘Andpleasedon’tusethe

term“pussy-whipped”.’

‘There’snopoint

pretendingtobesomeoneI’m

not,’Lilysaidsulkily.

Wesatthereforawhile.I

realizedthatneitherofus

wantedtobetheonetowalk

uptothedoor.‘ShallItryto

callheronemoretime?’I

said,holdingupmyphone.

I’dtriedtwicethatmorning

butithadgonestraightto

voicemail.

‘Don’ttellherstraight

away,’shesaidsuddenly.

‘WhoIam,Imean.Ijust…I

justwanttoseewhosheis.

Beforewetellher.’

‘Sure,’Isaid,softening.

AndbeforeIcouldsay

anythingelse,Lilywasoutof

thecarandstridingup

towardsthefrontgate,her

handsbunchedintofists,like

aboxerabouttoenteraring.

MrsTraynorhadgonegrey.

Herhair,whichhadbeen

tinteddarkbrown,wasnow

whiteandshort,makingher

lookmucholderthanshe

actuallywas,orlikesomeone

recentlyrecoveredfroma

seriousillness.Shewas

probablyastonelighterthan

whenIhadlastseenher,and

therewereliver-coloured

hollowsunderhereyes.She

lookedatLilywitha

confusionthattoldmeshe

didn’texpectanyvisitors,at

anytime.Andthenshesaw

me,andhereyeswidened.

‘Louisa?’

‘Hello,MrsTraynor.’I

steppedforwardandheldout

ahand.‘Wewereinthearea.

Idon’tknowifyougotmy

letter.IjustthoughtI’dstop

byandsayhello…’

Myvoice–falseand

unnaturallycheery–tailed

away.Thelasttimeshehad

seenmewaswhenIhelped

clearherdeadson’sroom;the

timebeforethatathislast

breath.Iwatchedherrelive

boththosefactsnow.‘We

werejustadmiringyour

garden.’

‘DavidAustinroses,’said

Lily.

MrsTraynorlookedather

asifnoticingherforthefirst

time.Hersmilewasslight

andwavering.‘Yes.Yes,they

are.Howcleverofyou.It’s–

I’mverysorry.Idon’thave

manyvisitors.Whatdidyou

sayyournamewas?’

‘ThisisLily,’Isaid,and

watchedasLilytookMrs

Traynor’shandandshookit,

studyingherintentlyasshe

didso.

Westoodthereonherfront

stepforamoment,and

finally,asifshethoughtshe

hadnoalternative,Mrs

Traynorturnedandpushed

thedooropen.‘Isuppose

you’dbettercomein.’

Thecottagewastiny,its

ceilingssolowthatevenI

hadtoduckwhenmoving

fromthehalltothekitchen.I

waitedasMrsTraynormade

tea,watchingLilywalk

restlesslyaroundthetiny

livingroom,navigatingher

wayamongthefewbitsof

highlypolishedantique

furniturethatIremembered

frommydaysinGranta

House,pickingthingsupand

puttingthemdownagain.

‘And…howhaveyou

been?’

MrsTraynor’svoicewas

flat,asifitwerenota

questionshewasreally

seekingananswerto.

‘Oh,quitewell,thankyou.’

Longsilence.

‘It’salovelyvillage.’

‘Yes.Well.Icouldn’t

reallystayinStortfold…’

Shepouredboilingwaterinto

theteapotandIcouldn’thelp

butberemindedofDella,

movingheavilyaroundMrs

Traynor’soldkitchen.

‘Doyouknowmany

peopleinthearea?’

‘No.’Shesaiditasifthat

mighthavebeenthesole

reasonforhermovingthere.

‘Wouldyoumindtakingthe

milkjug?Ican’tfit

everythingonthistray.’

Therefollowedapainfully

labouredhalf-hourof

conversation.MrsTraynor,a

womaninfusedwiththe

instinctiveupper-middle-class

skillofbeingalloverany

socialsituation,had

apparentlylosttheabilityto

communicate.Sheseemed

onlyhalfwithuswhenI

spoke.Sheaskedaquestion,

thenaskeditagainten

minuteslater,asifshehad

failedtoregistertheanswer.I

wonderedabouttheuseof

anti-depressants.Lily

watchedhersurreptitiously,

herthoughtstickingacross

herface,andIsatbetween

them,mystomachinan

increasinglytightknot,

waitingforsomethingto

happen.

Ichatteredonintothe

silence,talkingofmyawful

job,thingsI’ddoneinFrance,

thefactthatmyparentswere

well,thankyou–anythingto

endtheawful,oppressive

stillnessthatcreptacrossthe

littleroomwheneverI

stopped.ButMrsTraynor’s

griefhungoverthelittle

house,likeafog.IfMr

Traynorhadseemed

exhaustedbysadness,Mrs

Traynorappearedtobe

swallowedbyit.Therewas

almostnothingleftofthe

brisk,proudwomanIhad

known.

‘Whatbringsyoutothis

area?’shesaid,finally.

‘Um…justvisiting

friends,’Isaid.

‘Howdoyoutwoknow

eachother?’

‘I…knewLily’sfather.’

‘Hownice,’saidMrs

Traynor,andwesmiled

awkwardly.IwatchedLily,

waitingforhertosay

something,butshehad

frozen,asifshe,too,were

overwhelmed,facedwiththe

realityofthiswoman’spain.

Wedrankasecondcupof

tea,andremarkeduponher

beautifulgardenforthethird,

possiblyfourthtime,andI

foughtthesensationthatour

enduringpresencewas

requiringasortof

superhumaneffortonher

behalf.Shedidn’twantus

there.Shewasfartoopolite

tosayso,butitwasobvious

thatshereallyjustwantedto

beonherown.Itwasin

everygesture–everyforced

smile,everyattempttostay

ontopoftheconversation.I

suspectedthatthemomentwe

weregoneshewouldsimply

retreatintoachairandstay

there,orshuffleupstairsand

curlupinherbed.

AndthenInoticedit:the

completeabsenceof

photographs.WhereGranta

Househadbeenfilledwith

silver-framedpicturesofher

children,oftheirfamily,

ponies,skiingholidays,

distantgrandparents,this

cottagewasbare.Asmall

bronzeofahorse,a

watercolourofsome

hyacinths,butnopeople.I

foundmyselfshiftinginmy

seat,wonderingifIhad

simplymissedthem,gathered

onsomeoccasionaltableor

windowsill.Butno:the

cottagewasbrutally

impersonal.Ithoughtofmy

ownflat,myutterfailureto

personalizeitorallowmyself

toturnitintoanykindofa

home.AndIfeltsuddenly

leaden,anddesperatelysad.

Whathaveyoudonetous

all,Will?

‘It’sprobablytimetogo,

Louisa,’saidLily,looking

pointedlyattheclock.‘You

didsaywewouldn’twantto

hittraffic.’

Igazedather.‘But–’

‘Yousaidweshouldn’t

staytoolong.’Hervoicewas

highandclear.

‘Oh.Yes.Trafficcanbe

verytedious.’MrsTraynor

begantorisefromherchair.

IwasglaringatLily,about

toprotestagain,whenthe

phonerang.MrsTraynor

flinched,asifthesoundwere

nowunfamiliar.Shelookedat

eachofus,asifwondering

whethertoanswerit,and

then,perhapsrealizingshe

couldn’tignoreitwhilewe

werethere,sheexcused

herselfandwalkedthroughto

theotherroom,wherewe

heardheranswer.

‘Whatareyoudoing?’I

said.

‘Itjustfeelsallwrong,’

saidLily,miserably.

‘Butwecan’tgowithout

tellingher.’

‘Ijustcan’tdothistoday.

It’sall…’

‘Iknowit’sscary.Butlook

ather,Lily.Ireallythinkit

mighthelpherifyoutoldher.

Don’tyou?’

Lily’seyeswidened.

‘Tellmewhat?’

Myheadswivelled.Mrs

Traynorwasstanding

motionlessbythedoortothe

littlehallway.‘Whatisityou

needtotellme?’

Lilylookedatme,then

backtowardsMrsTraynor.I

felttimeslowaroundus.She

swallowed,thenliftedher

chinalittle.‘ThatI’myour

granddaughter.’

Abriefsilence.

‘My…what?’

‘I’mWillTraynor’s

daughter.’

Herwordsechoedintothe

littleroom.MrsTraynor’s

gazeslidtowardsmine,asif

tocheckthatthiswasinfact

someinsanejoke.

‘But…youcan’tbe.’

Lilyrecoiled.

‘MrsTraynor,Iknowthis

musthavecomeassomething

ofashock–’Ibegan.

Shedidn’thearme.She

wasstaringfiercelyatLily.

‘Howcouldmysonhavehad

adaughterIdidn’tknow

about?’

‘Becausemymumdidn’t

tellanyone.’Lily’svoice

emergedasawhisper.

‘Allthistime?Howcan

youhavebeenasecretforall

thistime?’MrsTraynor

turnedtowardsme.‘You

knewaboutthis?’

Iswallowed.‘ItwaswhyI

wrotetoyou.Lilycameto

findme.Shewantedtoknow

aboutherfamily.Mrs

Traynor,wedidn’twantto

causeyouanymorepain.It’s

justthatLilywantedtoknow

hergrandparentsanditdidn’t

goparticularlywellwithMr

Traynorand…’

‘ButWillwouldhavesaid

something.’Sheshookher

head.‘Iknowhewould.He

wasmyson.’

‘I’lltakeabloodtestifyou

reallydon’tbelieveme,’said

Lily,herarmsfoldingacross

herchest.‘ButI’mnotafter

anythingofyours.Idon’t

needtocomeandstaywith

youoranything.Ihavemy

ownmoney,ifthat’swhat

youthink.’

‘I’mnotsurewhatI–’Mrs

Traynorbegan.

‘Youdon’thavetolook

horrified.I’mnot,like,some

contagiousdiseaseyou’ve

justinherited.Just,youknow,

agranddaughter.Jesus.’

MrsTraynorsankslowly

intoachair.Afteramoment,

atremblinghandwenttoher

head.

‘Areyouallright,Mrs

Traynor?’

‘Idon’tthinkI…’Mrs

Traynorclosedhereyes.She

seemedtohaveretreated

somewherefarinsideherself.

‘Lily,Ithinkweshouldgo.

MrsTraynor,I’mgoingto

writedownmynumber.

We’llcomebackwhenthis

newshashadachancetosink

in.’

‘Sayswho?I’mnot

comingbackhere.Shethinks

I’maliar.Jesus.Thisfamily.’

Lilystaredatusbothin

disbelief,thenpushedher

wayoutofthelittleroom,

knockingoverasmallwalnut

occasionaltableasshewent.

Istooped,pickingitup,and

carefullyreplacedthelittle

silverboxesthathadbeen

laidoutneatlyonitssurface.

MrsTraynorwasgaunt

withshock.

‘I’msorry,MrsTraynor,’I

said.‘Ireallydidtrytospeak

toyoubeforewecame.’

Iheardthecardoorslam.

MrsTraynortookabreath.

‘Idon’treadthingsifIdon’t

knowwherethey’vecome

from.Ihadletters.Vile

letters.TellingmethatI…I

don’tansweranythingmuch

now…It’sneveranythingI

wanttohear.’Shelooked

bewilderedandoldand

fragile.

‘I’msorry.I’mreally

sorry.’Ipickedupmybag

andfled.

‘Don’tsayanything,’said

Lily,asIgotintothecar.

‘Justdon’t.Okay?’

‘Whydidyoudothat?’I

satinthedriver’sseat,keys

inmyhand.‘Whywouldyou

sabotageitall?’

‘Icouldseehowshefelt

aboutmefromthemoment

shelookedatme.’

‘She’samother,plainly

stillgrievingherson.Wehad

justgivenheranenormous

shock.Andyouwentoffat

herlikearocket.Couldyou

nothavebeenquietandlet

herdigestitall?Whydoyou

havetopusheveryone

away?’

‘Oh,whatthehellwould

youknowaboutme?’

‘Youseemdeterminedto

wreckyourrelationshipwith

everypersonwhomightget

closetoyou.’

‘Oh,God,isthisaboutthe

stupidtightsagain?Whatdo

youknowaboutanything?

Youspendyourwholelife

aloneinacrappyflatwhere

nobodyvisits.Yourparents

plainlythinkyou’realoser.

Youdon’thavethegutsto

walkoutofeventheworld’s

mostpatheticjob.’

‘Youhavenoideahow

harditistogetanyjob,these

days,sodon’tyoutellme–’

‘You’realoser.Worse

thanthatyou’realoserwho

thinksyoucantellother

peoplewhattodo.Andwho

givesyoutheright?Yousat

thereatmydad’sbedsideand

youwatchedhimdieandyou

didnothingaboutit.Nothing!

SoIhardlythinkyou’reany

greatjudgeofhowto

behave.’

Thesilenceinthecarwas

ashardandbrittleasglass.I

staredatthewheel.Iwaited

untilIwassureIcould

breathenormally.

ThenIstartedthecarand

wedrovethe120mileshome

insilence.

C H A P T E R F I F T E E N

IbarelysawLilyforthenext

fewdays,andthatsuitedme

fine.WhenIcamehomefrom

workatrailofcrumbsor

emptymugsconfirmedthat

shehadbeenthere.Acouple

oftimesIwalkedinandthe

airfeltoddlydisturbed,asif

somethinghadtakenplaceI

couldn’tquiteidentify.But

nothingwasmissingand

nothingobviouslyaltered,

andIputitdowntothe

weirdnessofsharingaflat

withsomeoneyouweren’t

gettingonwith.Forthefirst

timeIallowedmyselfto

admitthatImissedbeingon

myown.

Icalledmysister,andshe

hadthegoodgracenottosay,

‘Itoldyouso.’Well,maybe

justonce.

‘Thatistheworstthing

aboutbeingaparent,’she

said,asifIwereonetoo.

‘You’remeanttobethis

serene,all-knowing,gracious

personwhocanhandleevery

situation.Andsometimes

whenThomisrude,orI’m

tired,Ijustwanttoslamthe

doorathimorstickmy

tongueoutandtellhimhe’s

anarse.’

Whichwasprettymuch

howIfelt.

Workhadreachedamisery

pointwhereIhadtomake

myselfsingshowtunesinmy

careventomakemyselfdrive

totheairport.

AndthentherewasSam.

WhoIdidn’tthinkabout.

Ididn’tthinkabouthimin

themorning,whenIcaught

sightofmynakedbodyinthe

bathroommirror.Ididn’t

rememberthewayhisfingers

hadtracedmyskinandmade

myvividredscarsnotso

muchinvisibleaspartofa

sharedhistory–orhow,for

onebriefevening,Ihadfelt

recklessandaliveagain.I

didn’tthinkabouthimwhenI

watchedthecouples,heads

bowedtogetherasthey

examinedtheirboarding

passes,offtoshareromantic

adventures–orjusthot

monkeysex–indestinations

farfromthere.Ididn’tthink

abouthimonthewaytoand

fromwork,wheneveran

ambulancewentscreaming

past.Whichseemedto

happenaninordinatenumber

oftimes.AndIdefinitely

didn’tthinkabouthiminthe

eveningwhenIsathome

aloneonmysofa,gazingata

televisionshowwhoseplotI

couldn’thavetoldyou,and

looking,Isuspected,likethe

loneliestflammableporno

pixieontheplanet.

Nathanrangandlefta

message,askingmetocall.I

wasn’tsureIcouldbearto

hearthelatestepisodeofhis

excitingnewlifeinNew

York,andputitonmymental

to-dolistofthingsthatwould

neveractuallygetdone.

Tanyatextedmetosaythe

Houghton-Millershadcome

homethreedaysearly,

somethingtodowith

Francis’swork.Richardrang,

tellingmeIwasonthelate

shiftfromMondaytoFriday.

Andpleasedon’tbelate,

Louisa.I’dliketoremindyou

againthatyouareonyour

finalwarning.

IdidtheonlythingIcould

thinkof:Iwenthome,driving

toStortfoldwiththemusic

turneduploudsothatIdidn’t

havetobealonewithmy

thoughts.Ifeltgratefulfor

myparents.Ifeltanalmost

umbilicalpulltowardshome,

thecomfortofferedbya

traditionalfamilyandSunday

lunchonthetable.

‘Lunch?’saidDad,hisarms

crossedacrosshisstomach,

hisjawsetinindignation.

‘Oh,no.Wedon’tdoSunday

lunchanymore.Lunchisa

signofpatriarchal

oppression.’

Granddadnodded

mournfullyfromthecorner.

‘No,no,wecan’thave

lunch.Wedosandwicheson

aSundaynow.Orsoup.Soup

isapparentlyagreeableto

feminism.’

Treena,studyingatthe

dining-table,rolledhereyes.

‘Mumisdoingawomen’s

poetryclassonSunday

morningsattheadult

educationcentre.She’s

hardlyturnedintoAndrea

Dworkin.’

‘See,Lou?NowI’m

expectedtoknowallabout

feminismandthisAndrew

Dorkinfellahasstolenmy

bloodySundaylunch.’

‘You’rebeingdramatic,

Dad.’

‘Howisthisdramatic?

Sundaysisfamilytime.We

shouldhavefamilySunday

lunch.’

‘Mum’sentirelifehasbeen

familytime.Whycan’tyou

justletherhavesometimeto

herself?’

Dadpointedhisfolded-up

newspaperatTreena.‘You

didthis.YourmammyandI

wereperfectlyhappybefore

youstartedtellinghershe

wasn’t.’

Granddadnoddedin

agreement.

‘It’sallgonepear-shaped

aroundhere.Ican’twatchthe

televisionwithouther

muttering,“Sexist,”atthe

yoghurtads.Thisissexist.

That’ssexist.WhenIbrought

homeAdePalmer’scopyof

theSunjustforabitofaread

ofthesportspagesshe

chuckeditinthefirebecause

ofPageThree.Ineverknow

wheresheisfromonedayto

thenext.’

‘Onetwo-hourclass,’said

Treena,mildly,notlooking

upfromherbooks.‘Ona

Sunday.’

‘I’mnotbeingfunny,

Dad,’Isaid,‘butthosethings

ontheendofyourarms?’

‘What?’Dadlookeddown.

‘What?’

‘Yourhands,’Isaid.

‘They’renotpaintedon.’

Hefrownedatme.

‘SoI’mguessingyoucould

makethelunch.GiveMuma

surprisewhenshegetsback

fromherpoetryclass?’

Dad’seyeswidened.‘Me

maketheSundaylunch?Me?

We’vebeenmarriednearly

thirtyyears,Louisa.Idon’t

dothebloodylunch.Idothe

earning,andyourmother

doesthelunch.That’sthe

deal!That’swhatIsignedup

for!What’stheworldcoming

toifI’mtherewithapinny

on,peelingspuds,ona

Sunday?Howisthatfair?’

‘It’scalledmodernlife,

Dad.’

‘Modernlife.You’reno

help,’Dadsaid,and

harrumphed.‘I’llbetyouMr

bloodyTraynorgetshis

Sundaylunch.Thatgirlofhis

wouldn’tbeafeminist.’

‘Ah.Thenyouneeda

castle,Dad.Castlestrump

feminismeverytime.’

TreenaandIstartedto

laugh.

‘Youknowwhat?There’s

areasonwhythetwoofyou

haven’tgotboyfriends.’

‘Ooh.Redcard!’Weboth

heldupourrighthands.He

shovedhispaperupintheair

andstompedofftothe

garden.

Treenagrinnedatme.‘I

wasgoingtosuggestwecook

lunchbut…now?’

‘Idon’tknow.Iwouldn’t

wanttoperpetuatepatriarchal

oppression.Pub?’

‘Excellent.I’lltextMum.’

Mymother,itemerged,

had,attheageoffifty-six,

beguntocomeoutofher

shell,firstastentativelyasa

hermitcrabbutnow,

apparently,withincreasing

enthusiasm.Foryearsshe

hadn’tleftthehouse

unaccompanied,hadbeen

satisfiedwiththelittle

domainthatwasourthree-

and-a-half-bedroomedhouse.

Butspendingweeksin

LondonafterI’dhadmy

accidenthadforcedheroutof

hernormalroutineand

sparkedsomelong-dormant

curiosityaboutlifebeyond

Stortfold.Shehadstarted

flickingthroughsomeofthe

feministtextsTreenahad

beengivenatthe

GenderQuakeawareness

groupatcollege,andthese

twoalchemichappeningshad

causedmymothertoundergo

somethingofanawakening.

Shehadrippedherway

throughTheSecondSexand

FearofFlying,followedup

withTheFemaleEunuch,and

afterreadingTheWomen’s

Roomhadbeensoshockedat

whatshesawastheparallels

toherownlifethatshehad

refusedtocookforthree

days,untilshehaddiscovered

Granddadwashoardingfour-

packsofstaledoughnuts.

‘Ikeepthinkingaboutwhat

yourmanWillsaid,’she

remarked,aswesataround

thetableinthepubgarden,

watchingThomperiodically

buttheadswiththeother

childrenonthesagging

bouncycastle.‘Youonlyget

theonelife–isn’tthatwhat

hetoldyou?’Shewas

wearingherusualblueshort-

sleevedshirt,butshehadtied

herhairbackinawayI

hadn’tseenbeforeandlooked

oddlyyouthful.‘SoIjust

wanttomakethemostof

things.Learnalittle.Takethe

rubberglovesoffonceina

while.’

‘Dad’squitepissedoff,’I

said.

‘Language.’

‘It’sasandwich,’saidmy

sister.‘He’snottrekking

fortydaysthroughtheGobi

desertforfood.’

‘Andit’saten-week

course.He’lllive,’saidmy

mother,firmly,thensatback

andsurveyedthetwoofus.

‘Well,now,isn’tthisnice?

I’mnotsurethethreeofus

havebeenouttogethersince

…well,sinceyouwere

teenagersandwewouldgo

shoppingintownofa

Saturday.’

‘AndTreenawould

complainthatalltheshops

wereboring.’

‘Yeah,butthat’sbecause

Loulikedcharityshopsthat

smeltofpeople’sarmpits.’

‘It’snicetoseeyouin

someofyourfavouritethings

again.’Mumnoddedatme

admiringly.Ihadputona

brightyellowT-shirtinthe

hopethatitwouldmakeme

lookhappierthanIfelt.

TheyaskedaboutLily,and

Isaidshewasbackwithher

mother,andhadbeenabitof

ahandful,andthey

exchangedlooks,likethat

wasprettymuchwhatthey

hadexpectedmetosay.I

didn’ttellthemaboutMrs

Traynor.

‘ThatwholeLilythingwas

averyoddsituation.Ican’t

thinkmuchofthatmother

justhandingherdaughter

overtoyou.’

‘Mummeansthatnicely,

bytheway,’saidTreena.

‘Butthatjobofyours,Lou,

love.Idon’tlikethethought

ofyouprancingaround

behindabarinyournext-to-

nothings.Itsoundslikethat

place…Whatisit?’

‘Hooters,’saidTreena.

‘It’snotlikeHooters.It’s

anairport.Myhootersare

fullysuitedandhooted.’

‘Nobodytootsthose

hooters,’saidTreena.

‘Butyou’rewearinga

sexistcostumetoserve

drinks.Ifthat’swhatyou

wanttodo,youcoulddothat

at…Idon’tknow,

DisneylandParis.Ifyouwere

Minnie,orWinniethePooh,

youwouldn’tevenhaveto

showyourlegs.’

‘You’llbethirtysoon,’

saidmysister.‘Minnie,

WinnieorNellGwynnie.The

choiceisyours.’

‘Well,’Isaid,asthe

waitressbroughtourchicken

andchips,‘I’vebeen

thinking,and,yes,you’re

right.FromnowonI’mgoing

tomoveon.Focusonmy

career.’

‘Canyousaythatagain?’

Mysistermovedsomeofthe

chipsfromherplateonto

Thom’s.Thepubgardenhad

becomenoisier.

‘Focusonmycareer,’I

said,louder.

‘No.Thatbitwhereyou

saidIwasright.I’mnotsure

you’vesaidthatsince1997.

Thom,don’tgobackonthe

bouncycastleyet,sweetheart.

You’llbesick.’

Wesatthereforagood

partoftheafternoon,

avoidingDad’sincreasingly

crosstextsdemandingto

knowwhatweweredoing.I

hadneversatwithmymother

andsister,likenormalpeople,

grown-ups,having

conversationsthatdidn’t

involveputtinganything

awayorsomebodybeingso

annoying.Wefound

ourselvessurprisingly

interestedineachother’s

livesandopinions,asifwe

hadsuddenlyrealizedeachof

usmighthaverolesbeyond

thebrainyone,thechaotic

one,andtheonewhodoesall

thehousework.

Itwasanoddsensation,

havingtoviewmyfamilyas

humanbeings.

‘Mum,’Isaid,shortlyafter

Thomhadfinishedhis

chickenandrunofftoplay,

andaboutfiveminutesbefore

hewouldlosehislunchon

thebouncycastleandputit

outofactionfortherestof

theafternoon,‘doyouever

mindnothavinghada

career?’

‘No.Ilovedbeingamum.

Ireallydid.Butit’sodd…

Everythingthat’shappened

overthepasttwoyears,it

doesmakeyouthink.’

Iwaited.

‘I’vebeenreadingaboutall

thesewomen–thesebrave

soulswhomadesucha

differenceintheworldtothe

waypeoplethinkanddo

things.AndIlookatwhat

I’vedoneandwonder

whether,well,whether

anyonewouldnoticeajotifI

wasn’there.’

Shesaidthisquiteevenly

soIcouldn’ttellifshewas

actuallymuchmoreupset

aboutitthanshewas

preparedtoleton.‘We’d

noticemorethanajot,Mum,’

Isaid.

‘Butit’snotlikeI’vemade

animpactonmuch,isit?I

don’tknow.I’vealwaysbeen

content.Butit’slikeI’ve

spentthirtyyearsdoingone

thingandnoweverythingI

read,thetelevision,the

papers,it’slikeeveryone’s

tellingmeitwasworth

nothing.’

MysisterandIstaredat

eachother.

‘Itwasn’tnothingtous,

Mum.’

‘You’resweetgirls.’

‘Imeanit.You…’I

thoughtsuddenlyofTanya

Houghton-Miller‘…you

madeusfeelsafe.Andloved.

Ilikedyoubeingthereevery

daywhenwecamehome.’

Mumputherhandon

mine.‘I’mfine.I’msoproud

ofthepairofyou,making

yourownwayintheworld.

Really.ButIjustneedto

workoutsomethingsfor

myself.Andit’san

interestingjourney,reallyit

is.I’mlovingthereading.

MrsDeansatthelibraryis

callinginallsortsofthings

shethinksImightbe

interestedin.I’mgoingto

moveontotheAmerican

NewWavefeministsnext.

Veryinteresting,alltheir

theories.’Shefoldedher

papernapkinneatly.‘Ido

wishthey’dallstoparguing

witheachother,though.I

slightlywanttosmacktheir

headstogether.’

‘And…areyoureallystill

notshavingyourlegs?’

Ihadgonetoofar.My

mother’sfaceclosedoff,and

shegavemethefishyeye.

‘Sometimes,ittakesyoua

whiletowakeuptoatrue

signofoppression.Ihave

toldyourfather,andI’lltell

yougirls,thedayhegoesto

thesalontohavehislegs

coveredwithhotwax,then

haveitrippedoffbyaruddy

twenty-one-year-oldisthe

dayI’llstartdoingmine

again.’

Thesuneaseddownover

Stortfold,likemeltingbutter.

Istayedmuchlaterintothe

eveningthanIhadintended,

saidgoodbyetomyfamily,

climbedintomycarand

drovehome.Ifeltgrounded,

tethered.Aftertheemotional

turbulenceofthepastweek,it

wasgoodtobesurroundedby

abitofnormality.Andmy

sister,whonevershowed

signsofweakness,had

confessedthatshethought

shewouldremainsinglefor

ever,brushingawayMum’s

insistencethatshewas‘a

gorgeous-lookinggirl’.

‘ButI’masinglemother,’

she’dsaid.‘And,worse,I

don’tdoflirting.Iwouldn’t

knowhowtoflirtwith

someoneifLouisastood

behindthemholdingup

placards.Andtheonlymen

I’vemetintwoyearshave

eitherbeenfrightenedoffby

Thomorafteronething.’

‘Oh,not–’mymother

began.

‘Freeaccountingadvice.’

Suddenly,lookingather

fromtheoutside,I’dfelta

suddensympathy.Shewas

right:Ihadbeenhanded,

againsttheodds,allthe

advantages–ahomeofmy

own,afuturefreeofany

responsibilities–andtheonly

thingstoppingmeembracing

themwasmyself.Thefact

thatshewasn’teatenupwith

bitternessoverourrespective

lotswasprettyimpressive.I

huggedherbeforeIleft.She

wasalittleshocked,then

momentarilysuspicious,

pattedherupperbackto

checkforKICKMEsigns,

thenfinallyhuggedmeback.

‘Comeandstay,’Isaid.

‘Really.Comeandstay.I’ll

takeyoudancingatthisclubI

know.MumcanmindThom.’

Mysisterlaughed,and

closedthedoorofthecarasI

startedit.‘Yeah.You

dancing?Likethat’sgoingto

happen.’Shewasstill

laughingasIdroveaway.

SixdayslaterIreturnedhome

afteralateshifttoanightclub

ofmyown.AsIcameupthe

stairsofmyblock,insteadof

theusualsilence,Icouldhear

thedistantsoundoflaughter,

theirregularthumpofmusic.

Ihesitatedforamoment

outsidemyfrontdoor,

thinkingthatinmyexhausted

stateImustbemistaken,then

unlockedit.

Thesmellofweedhitme

first,sostrongIalmost

reflexivelyheldmybreath

ratherthaninhale.Iwalked

slowlytothelivingroom,

openedthedoorandstood

there,notquiteableto

believeatfirstthescenethat

confrontedme.Inthedimly

litroom,Lilywaslyingalong

mysofa,hershortskirt

ruckedupsomewherejust

belowherbottom,abadly

rolledjointmidwaytoher

mouth.Twoyoungmenwere

sprawledagainstthesofa,

islandsamidaseaof

alcoholicdetritus,empty

crispspacketsand

polystyrenetakeawaycartons.

Alsoseatedonthefloorwere

twogirlsofLily’sage;one,

herhairpulledbacktightly

intoaponytail,lookedatme

withhereyebrowsraised,as

iftoquestionwhatIwas

doingthere.Musicthumped

fromthesoundsystem.The

numberofbeercansand

overflowingashtraystoldofa

longnight.

‘Oh,’Lilysaid,

exaggeratedly.‘Hi-i-i.’

‘Whatareyoudoing?’

‘Yeah.Wewereout,and

wesortofmissedthelatebus,

soIthoughtitwouldbeokay

ifwecrashedhere.Youdon’t

mind,doyou?’

IwassostunnedIcould

barelyspeak.‘Yes,’Isaid

tightly.‘Actually,Idomind.’

‘Uh-oh.’Shebeganto

cackle.

Idroppedmybagwitha

thumpatmyfeet.Igazed

aroundmeatthemunicipal

rubbishdumpthathadonce

passedasmylivingroom.

‘Party’sover.I’llgiveyou

fiveminutestoclearupyour

mess,andgo.’

‘Oh,God.Iknewit.

You’regoingtobeboring

aboutit,aren’tyou?Ugh.I

knewit.’Shethrewherself

backonthesofa

melodramatically.Hervoice

wasslurred,heractions

thickenedwith–what?

Drugs?Iwaited.Forone

brief,tensemoment,thetwo

menlookedsteadilyatme

andIcouldseetheywere

assessingwhethertogetupor

simplytositthere.

Oneofthegirlssuckedher

teethaudibly.

‘Fourminutes,’Isaid

slowly.‘I’mcounting.’

Perhapsmyrighteous

angergavemesome

authority.Perhapstheywere

actuallylessbravethanthey

appeared.Onebyonethey

clamberedtotheirfeetand

slopedpastmetotheopen

frontdoor.Asthelastofthe

boysleft,heostentatiously

liftedhishandanddroppeda

canonthehallfloorsothat

beersprayedupthewalland

overthecarpet.Ikickedthe

doorshutbehindthemand

pickeditup.BythetimeIgot

toLily,Iwasshakingwith

anger.‘Whatthehelldoyou

thinkyou’replayingat?’

‘Jesus.Itwasjustafew

friends,okay?’

‘Thisisnotyourflat,Lily.

Itisnotyourplacetobring

peoplebackasyouseefit…’

Asuddenflashback:that

strangesenseofdislocation

whenIhadreturnedhomea

weekago.‘Oh,myGod.

You’vedonethisbefore,

haven’tyou?Lastweek.You

hadpeoplehomeandthenleft

beforeIgotback.’

Lilyclimbedunsteadilyto

herfeet.Shepulleddownher

skirtandranherhandthrough

herhair,tuggingatthe

tangles.Hereyelinerwas

smudged,andshehadwhat

couldhavebeenabruise,or

perhapsahickey,onher

neck.‘God.Whydoyouhave

tomakesuchabigdealoutof

everything?Theywerejust

people,okay?’

‘Inmyhome.’

‘Well,it’shardlyahome,

isit?It’sgotnofurniture,and

nothingpersonal.You

haven’tevengotpictureson

yourwalls.It’slike…a

garage.Agaragewithouta

car.I’veactuallyseen

homelierpetrolstations.’

‘WhatIdowithmyhome

isnoneofyourbusiness.’

Sheletoutasmallbelch

andfannedtheairinfrontof

hermouth.‘Ugh.Kebab

breath.’Shepaddedtothe

kitchenwheresheopened

threecupboardsuntilshe

foundaglass.Shefilledit

andgulpeddownthewater.

‘Andyouhaven’tevengota

propertelevision.Ididn’t

knowpeoplestillhad

eighteen-inchtelevisions.’

Ibegantopickupthecans,

shovingthemintoaplastic

bag.‘Sowhowerethey?’

‘Idon’tknow.Justsome

people.’

‘Youdon’tknow?’

‘Friends.’Shesounded

irritated.‘PeopleIknowfrom

clubbing.’

‘Youmettheminaclub?’

‘Yes.Clubbing.Blahblah

blah.It’slikeyou’rebeing

deliberatelythick.Yes.Just

somefriendsImetinaclub.

It’swhatnormalpeopledo,

youknow?Havefriendsthey

gooutwith.’

Shethrewtheglassintothe

washing-upbowl–Iheardit

crack–andstalked

resentfullyoutofthekitchen.

Istaredather,myheart

suddenlysinking.Irannext

doortomyroom,andopened

mytopdrawer.Iriffled

throughmysocks,lookingfor

thelittlejewelleryboxthat

containedmygrandmother’s

chainandweddingring.I

stoppedandtookadeep

breath,tellingmyselfI

couldn’tseethembecauseI

waspanicking.Itwouldbe

there.Ofcourseitwould.I

beganpickingupthecontents

ofthedrawer,carefully

checkingthroughthemand

throwingthemontothebed.

‘Didtheycomeinhere?’I

shouted.

Lilyappearedinthe

doorway.‘Didwhat?’

‘Yourfriends.Didthey

comeinmybedroom?

Where’smyjewellery?’

Lilyseemedtowakeupa

little.‘Jewellery?’

‘Oh,no.Oh,no.’Iopened

allmydrawers,began

dumpingthecontentsonthe

floor.‘Whereisit?And

where’smyemergency

cash?’Iturnedtoher.‘Who

werethey?Whatweretheir

names?’

Lilyhadgonequiet.

‘Lily!’

‘I–Idon’tknow.’

‘Whatdoyoumeanyou

don’tknow?Yousaidthey

wereyourfriends.’

‘Just…clubbingfriends.

Mitch.And…Liseand–I

can’tremember.’

Iranforthedoor,belted

alongthecorridorandhurled

myselfdownthefourflights

ofstairs.ButbythetimeI

reachedthefrontdoorthe

corridorandthestreetbeyond

wereempty,butforthelate

bustoWaterloosailing

gently,illuminated,downthe

middleofthedarkroad.

Istoodinthedoorway,

panting.ThenIclosedmy

eyes,fightingbacktears,

droppingmyhandstomy

kneesasIrealizedwhatIhad

lost:mygrandmother’sring,

thefinegoldchain,withthe

littlependantshehadworn

fromwhenIwasachild.I

knewalreadyIwouldnever

seeitagain.Therewereso

fewthingstopassdownin

myfamily,andnoweventhat

wasgone.

Iwalkedslowlybackup

thestairs.

Lilywasstandinginthe

hallwaywhenIopenedthe

frontdoor.‘I’mreallysorry,’

shesaidquietly.‘Ididn’t

knowtheywouldstealyour

stuff.’

‘Goaway,Lily,’Isaid.

‘Theyseemedreallynice.I

–Ishouldhavethought–’

‘I’vebeenatworkfor

thirteenhours.Ineedtofind

outwhatI’velostandthenI

wanttogotosleep.Your

motherisbackfromher

holiday.Pleasejustgohome.’

‘ButI–’

‘No.Nomore.’I

straightenedupslowly,taking

amomenttocatchmybreath.

‘Youknowtherealdifference

betweenyouandyourdad?

Evenwhenhewasathis

unhappiesthewouldn’thave

treatedanyonelikethis.’

ShelookedasifI’d

slappedher.Ididn’tcare.

‘Ican’tdothisanymore,

Lily.’Ipulledatwenty-pound

notefrommypurseand

handedittoher.‘There.For

yourtaxi.’

Shelookedatit,thenat

me,andswallowed.Sherana

handthroughherhairand

walkedslowlybackintothe

livingroom.

Itookoffmyjacket,and

stoodstaringatmyreflection

inthelittlemirrorabovemy

chestofdrawers.Ilooked

pale,exhausted,defeated.

‘Andleaveyourkeys,’Isaid.

Therewasashortsilence.I

heardtheclatterastheywere

droppedonthekitchen

counter,andthen,witha

click,thefrontdoorclosed

andshewasgone.

C H A P T E R S I X T E E N

Imesseditallup,Will.

Ihauledmykneesupto

mychest.Itriedtoimagine

whathewouldhavesaidifhe

couldseemethen,butIcould

nolongerhearhisvoicein

myheadandthatsmallfact

mademeevensadder.

WhatdoIdonow?

IunderstoodIcouldnot

stayintheflatthatWill’s

legacyhadboughtme.Itfelt

asifitweresteepedinmy

failures,abonusprizeIhad

failedtoearn.Howcouldyou

makeahomeinaplacethat

hadcometoyouforallthe

wrongreasons?Iwouldsellit

andinvestthemoney

somewhere.Butwherewould

Igoinstead?

Ithoughtofmyjob,the

reflexivewaymystomach

nowclenchedwhenIheard

Celticpanpipes,evenon

television;thewayRichard

mademefeeluseless,

worthless.

IthoughtofLily,noting

thepeculiarweightofthe

silencethatresultedwhen

youknewwithoutdoubtthat

nobodybutyouwouldbein

yourhome.Iwonderedwhere

shewas,andpushedthe

thoughtaway.

Theraineasedoff,slowing

andceasingalmost

apologetically,asifthe

weatherwereadmittingit

hadn’treallyknownwhathad

gotintoit.Ipulledonsome

clothes,vacuumedtheflat,

andputoutthebin-bagsof

party-relatedrubbish.I

walkedtotheflowermarket,

mostlytogivemyself

somethingtodo.Always

bettertogetoutandabout,

Marcsaid.Imightfeelbetter

forbeinginthethickof

ColumbiaRoad,withits

gaudydisplaysofbloomsand

itsslow-movingcrowdsof

shoppers.Ifixedmyfaceinto

asmile,frightenedSamir

whenIboughtmyselfan

apple(‘Areyouondrugs,

man?’)andheadedoffintoa

seaofflowers.

Iboughtmyselfacoffeeat

alittlecoffeeshopand

watchedthemarketthrough

itssteamedwindow,ignoring

thefactthatIwastheonly

personinthereonmyown.I

walkedthelengthofthe

soddenmarket,breathedin

thedampandheadyscentsof

thelilies,admiredthefolded

secretsofthepeoniesand

roses,glassbeadsofrainstill

dottingtheirsurfaces,and

boughtmyselfabunchof

dahliasandthewholetimeI

feltasifIwereacting,a

figureinanadvert:Singlecity

girllivingtheLondondream.

Iwalkedhome,cradling

mydahliasinonearm,doing

mybestnottolimp,allthe

whiletryingtostopthewords

Oh,whodoyouthinkyou’re

kidding?poppingrepeatedly

intomyhead.

Theeveningstretchedand

sagged,aslonelyevenings

do.Ifinishedcleaningthe

flat,havingfishedcigarette

buttsoutofthetoilet,

watchedsometelevision,

washedmyuniform.Irana

bathfullofbubblesand

climbedoutofitafterfive

minutes,afraidtobealone

withmythoughts.Icouldn’t

callmymotherormysister:I

knewIwouldn’tbeableto

keepupthepretenceof

happinessinfrontofthem.

Finally,Ireachedintomy

bedsidetable,andpulledout

theletter,theoneWillhad

arrangedformetoreceivein

Paris,backwhenIwasstill

fullofhope.Iunfoldedits

well-worncreasesgently.

Thereweretimes,thatfirst

year,whenIwouldreadit

nightly,tryingtobringhimto

lifebesideme.ThesedaysI

rationedmyself:Itoldmyself

Ididn’tneedtoseeit–Iwas

afraiditwouldloseits

talismanicpower,thewords

becomemeaningless.Well,I

neededthemnow.

Thecomputertext,asdear

tomeasifhehadbeenable

tohandwriteit;someresidual

traceofhisenergystillin

thoselaser-printedwords.

You’regoingtofeel

uncomfortableinyournew

worldforabit.Italways

doesfeelstrangetobe

knockedoutofyourcomfort

zone…Thereisahungerin

you,Clark.Afearlessness.

Youjustburiedit,likemost

peopledo.

Justlivewell.Justlive.

Ireadthewordsofaman

whohadoncebelievedinme,

putmyheadonmyknees

and,finally,sobbed.

Thephonerang,tooloud,too

closetomyhead,sendingme

lurchingupright.Iscrabbled

forit,notingthetime.Two

a.m.Thefamiliarreflexive

fear.‘Lily?’

‘What?Lou?’

Nathan’sdeepdrawlrolled

acrossthephoneline.

‘It’stwoa.m.,Nathan.’

‘Aw,man.Ialwaysmess

upthetimedifference.Sorry.

Wantmetohangup?’

Ipushedmyselfupright,

rubbingatmyface.‘No.No

…It’sgoodtohearfrom

you.’Iflickedonthebedside

light.‘Howareyou?’

‘Good!I’mbackinNew

York.’

‘Great.’

‘Yeah.Itwasgreattosee

theoldsandall,butaftera

coupleofweeksIwasitching

togetbackhere.Thiscityis

epic.’

Iforcedasmile,incasehe

couldhearit.‘That’sgreat,

Nathan.I’mgladforyou.’

‘Youstillhappyatthatpub

ofyours?’

‘It’sfine.’

‘Youdon’t…wanttodo

somethingelse?’

‘Well,youknowwhen

thingsarebad,andyoutell

yourselfstufflike,“Oh,it

couldbeworse.Icouldbethe

personwhocleansthepoop

outofthedog-poopbins”?

Well,rightnowI’dratherbe

thepersonwhopicksupthe

poopoutofthedog-poop

bins.’

‘ThenI’vegota

propositionforyou.’

‘Igetthatalotfrom

customers,Nathan.Andthe

answerisalwaysno.’

‘Ha.Well.There’sajob

openingouthere,workingfor

thisfamilyIlivewith.And

youwerethefirstpersonI

thoughtof.’

MrGopnik’swife,he

explained,wasnotaWall

StreetWife.Shedidn’tdothe

whole‘shoppingandlunches’

thing;shewasaPolish

émigrée,pronetomild

depression.Shewaslonely,

andthehelp–aGuatemalan

woman–wouldn’tsaytwo

wordstoher.

WhatMrGopnikwanted

wassomeonehecouldtrustto

keephiswifecompanyand

helpwiththechildren,tobe

anextrapairofhandswhen

theytravelled.‘Hewantsa

sortofGirlFridaytothe

family.Someonecheerfuland

trustworthy.Andsomeone

whoisnotgoingtogo

blabbingabouttheirprivate

life.’

‘Doesheknow–’

‘ItoldhimaboutWillat

ourfirstmeeting,buthe’d

alreadydonebackground.He

wasn’tputoff.Farfromit.

Hesaidhewasimpressedthat

we’dfollowedWill’swishes

andneversoldourstories.’

Nathanpaused.‘I’veworked

itout.Atthislevel,Lou,

peoplevaluetrustand

discretionoveranythingelse.

Imean,obviouslyyoucan’t

beanidiot,andhavetodo

yourjobwell,but,yeah,

that’sbasicallywhatmatters.’

Mymindwaswhirling,an

out-of-controlwaltzerata

fairground.Iheldthephone

infrontofmeandputitback

tomyear.‘Isthis…AmI

actuallystillasleep?’

‘It’snotaneasyride.It’s

longhoursandalotofwork.

ButI’lltellyou,mate,I’m

havingthebesttime.’

Ipushedmyhandthrough

myhair.Ithoughtaboutthe

bar,withitshuffing

businessmenandRichard’s

gimletstare.Ithoughtabout

theflat,itswallsclosinginon

meeveryevening.‘Idon’t

know.Thisis…Imeanitall

seems–’

‘It’sagreencard,Lou.’

Nathan’svoicedropped.‘It’s

yourboardandlodging.It’s

NewYork.Listen.Thisisa

manwhogetsstuffdone.

Workhard,andhe’lllook

afteryou.He’ssmart,and

he’sfair.Getouthere,show

himwhatyou’reworth,and

youcouldendupwith

opportunitiesyouwouldn’t

believe.Seriously.Don’t

thinkofthisasanannyjob.

Thinkofitasagateway.’

‘Idon’tknow…’

‘Somefellayoudon’twant

toleave?’

Ihesitated.‘No.Butso

muchhasgoneon…I’venot

been…’Itseemedanawful

lottoexplainattwoo’clock

inthemorning.

‘Iknowyouwereknocked

bywhathappened.Weall

were.Butyou’vegottomove

on.’

‘Don’tsayit’swhathe

wouldhavewanted.’

‘Okay,’hesaid.Weboth

listened,ashesaiditsilently.

Itriedtogathermy

thoughts.‘WouldIhavetogo

toNewYorkforan

interview?’

‘They’reintheHamptons

forthesummer,sohe’s

lookingforsomeonetostart

inSeptember.Basically,in

sixweeks.Ifyousayyou’re

interested,he’llinterviewyou

onSkype,sortoutthe

paperworktogetyouover,

andthenwegofromthere.

Therewillbeother

candidates.It’stoogooda

position.ButMrGtrustsme,

Lou.IfIsaysomeone’sa

goodbet,they’reinwitha

chance.SoshallIthrowyour

hatinthering?Yes?Itisa

yes,right?’

IspokealmostbeforeI

couldthink.‘Uh…yes.Yes.’

‘Great!Emailmeifyou’ve

gotquestions.I’llsendyou

somepics.’

‘Nathan?’

‘Gottago,Lou.Theold

manhasjustbuzzedme.’

‘Thankyou.Thanksfor

thinkingofme.’

Therewasaslightpause

beforeheresponded.‘Noone

I’dratherworkwith,mate.’

Icouldn’tsleepafterherang

off,wonderingwhetherIhad

imaginedthewhole

conversation,mymind

hummingwiththeenormity

ofwhatmightlieinfrontof

meifIhadn’t.Atfour,Isat

upandemailedNathana

handfulofquestions,andthe

answerscamestraightback.

Thefamilyisokay.Therich

arenevernormal(!)but

thesearegoodpeople.

Minimaldrama.

You’dhaveyourownroom

andbathroom.We’dsharea

kitchenwiththe

housekeeper.She’sallright.

Bitolder.Keepsherselfto

herself.

Hoursregular.Eight–at

worstten–aday.Youget

timeoffinlieu.Youmight

wanttolearnabitofPolish!

Ifinallyfellasleepasit

grewlight,mymindfullof

Manhattanduplexesand

bustlingstreets.AndwhenI

wokeup,anemailwas

waitingforme.

DearMsClark,

Nathantellsmeyoumight

beinterestedincomingto

workinourhousehold.

Wouldyoubeavailablefor

aSkypeinterviewon

Tuesdayeveningat5p.m.

GMT(middayEST)?

Yourssincerely,

LeonardM.Gopnik

Istaredatitforafull

twentyminutes,proofthatI

hadn’tdreamedthewhole

thing.AndthenIgotupand

showered,mademyselfa

strongmugofcoffeeand

typedmyreply.Itwouldn’t

hurttohavetheinterview,I

toldmyself.Iwouldn’tget

thejob,iftherewerelotsof

highlyprofessionalNew

Yorkcandidates.Butitwas

goodpractice,ifnothingelse.

Anditwouldmakemefeelas

ifIwerefinallydoing

something,movingforward.

BeforeIleftforwork,I

tookWill’slettercarefully

fromthebedsidetable.I

pressedmylipstoit,then

foldeditcarefullyandputit

backinthedrawer.

Thankyou,Itoldhim

silently.

Itwasaslightlythinned-out

versionoftheMovingOn

Circlethatweek.Natashawas

onholiday,aswasJake,for

whichIwasmostlyrelieved

andatinybitputoutinaway

Icouldn’treconcile.The

evening’stopicwas‘IfI

couldturnbacktime’,which

meantthatWilliamandSunil

hummedorwhistledtheCher

songunconsciouslyat

intervalsfortheentirehour

andahalf.

IlistenedtoFredwishing

hehadspentlesstimeat

work,thenSunilwishinghe’d

gottoknowhisbrotherbetter

(‘Youjustthinkthey’re

alwaysgoingtobethere,you

know?Andthenoneday

they’renot’),andwonderedif

itreallyhadbeenworth

coming.

Therehadbeenacoupleof

timeswhenI’dthoughtthe

groupmightactuallybe

helping.Butforanawfullot

ofthetimeIwassitting

amongpeopleIfeltIhad

nothingincommonwith,

droningonforthefewhours

theyhadcompany.Ifelt

grumpyandtired,myhip

achedonthehardplastic

chair,andIthoughtImight

havegotjustasmuch

enlightenmentaboutmy

mentalstateifIhadbeen

watchingEastEnders.Plus

thebiscuitswererubbish.

Leanne,asinglemother,

wastalkingabouthowshe

andheroldersisterhad

arguedaboutapairof

tracksuitbottomstwodays

beforehersisterhaddied.‘I

accusedheroftakingthem,

becauseshewasalways

nickingmystuff.Shesaidshe

hadn’t,butthenshealways

saidshehadn’t.’

Marcwaited.Iwonderedif

Ihadanypainkillersinmy

handbag.

‘Andthen,youknow,she

gothitbythebusandthenext

timeIgottoseeherwasat

themorgue.AndwhenIwas

lookingfordarkclothesto

weartoherfuneral,youknow

whatwasinmywardrobe?’

‘Thetracksuitbottoms,’

saidFred.

‘It’sdifficultwhenthings

areunresolved,’saidMarc.

‘Sometimesforourown

sanitywejusthavetolookat

thebiggerpicture.’

‘Youcanlovesomeone

andalsocallthemapratfor

nickingyourtracksuit

bottoms,’saidWilliam.

ThatdayIdidn’twantto

speak.Iwasonlythere

becauseIcouldn’tfacethe

silenceofmylittleflat.Ihad

asuddensneakingsuspicionI

couldeasilybecomeoneof

thosepeoplewhosocrave

humancontactthattheytalk

inappropriatelytoother

passengersontrainsorspend

tenminutespickingthingsin

ashopsotheycanchattothe

assistant.Iwassobusy

wonderingwhetheritwas

symptomaticthatIhadjust

discussedmynewphysio

supportbandagewithSamir

atthemini-martthatItuned

outDaphnewishingshe’d

comebackfromworkanhour

earlierthatparticularday,

thenfoundshehaddissolved,

quietly,intotears.

‘Daphne?’

‘I’msorry,everyone.But

I’vespentsolongthinkingin

“ifonlys”.IfonlyIhadn’t

stoppedoffforachatwiththe

ladyattheflowerstall.If

onlyI’dleftthatstupid

boughtledgerandcome

homefromworkearlier.If

onlyI’djustgotbackintime

…maybeIcouldhave

persuadedhimnottodowhat

hedid.MaybeIcouldhave

doneonethingthatpersuaded

himlifewasworthliving.’

Marcleanedforwardwith

theboxoftissuesandI

placeditgentlyonDaphne’s

lap.‘HadAlantriedtoend

hislifebefore,Daphne?’

Shenoddedandblewher

nose.‘Oh,yes.Severaltimes.

Heusedtogetwhatwecalled

“theblues”fromquitea

youngage.AndIdidn’tlike

toleavehimwhentheycame

becauseitwaslike…itwas

likehecouldn’thearyou.

Didn’tmatterwhatyousaid.

SoquiteoftenIwouldcallin

sickjusttostaywithhimand

jollyhimalong,youknow?

Makehisfavourite

sandwiches.Sitwithhimon

thesofa.Anything,really,

justtolethimknowIwas

there.Ialwaysthinkthat’s

whyInevergotapromotion

atworkwhenalltheother

girlsdid.Ihadtokeeptaking

timeoff,yousee.’

‘Depressioncanbevery

hard.Andnotjustonthe

sufferer.’

‘Washeonmedication?’

‘Oh,no.But,then,it

wasn’t…youknow…

chemical.’

‘Areyousure?Imean

depressionwasunder-

diagnosedbackin–’

Daphneliftedherhead.

‘Hewasahomosexual.’She

saidthewordwithitsfive

full,clearlydefinedsyllables,

andlookeddirectlyatus,a

littleflushed,asifdaringus

tosayanythinginreturn.

‘I’venevertoldanyonethat.

Buthewasahomosexual,

andIthinkhewassad

becausehewasa

homosexual.Andhewasever

suchagoodmanandhe

wouldn’thavewantedtohurt

me,sohewouldn’thave…

youknow…goneoffand

donethings.Hewouldhave

feltI’dbeshamed.’

‘Whatmakesyouthinkhe

wasgay,Daphne?’

‘IfoundthingswhenIwas

lookingforoneofhisties.

Thosemagazines.Mendoing

thingstoothermen.Inhis

drawer.Idon’tsupposeyou

wouldhavethosemagazines

ifyouweren’t.’

Fredstiffenedslightly.

‘Certainlynot,’hesaid.

‘Inevermentionedthem,’

saidDaphne.‘Ijusttucked

thembackwhereIfound

them.Butitallstartedto

clickintoplace.Hewasnever

verykeenonthatsideof

things.ButIthoughtIwas

lucky,yousee,becauseI

wasn’teither.It’sthenuns.

Theymadeyoufeeldirtyfor

justabouteverything.So

whenImarriedaniceman

whowasn’tjumpingontopof

meeveryfiveminutes,I

thoughtIwastheluckiest

womanonearth.Imean,I

wouldhavelikedchildren.

Thatwouldhavebeennice.

But…’shesighed‘…we

neverreallytalkedaboutsuch

things.Youdidn’tinthose

days.NowIwishwehad.

Lookingback,Ikeep

thinking,Whatawaste.’

‘Youthinkifyou’dtalked

honestly,itmighthavemade

adifference?’

‘Well,timesaredifferent

now,aren’tthey?It’sfineto

behomosexual.Mydry

cleanerisandhetalksabout

hisboyfriendtoeveryTom,

DickandHarrythatwalksin.

Iwouldhavebeensadtolose

myhusband,butifhewas

unhappybecauseofbeing

trapped,thenIwouldhavelet

himgo.Iwouldhavedone.I

neverwantedtotrapanyone.

Ionlywantedhimtobeabit

happier.’

Herfacecrumpled,andI

putmyarmaroundher.Her

hairsmeltoflacquerand

lambstew.

‘There,there,oldgirl,’said

Fred,andstooduptopather

ontheshoulderalittle

awkwardly.‘I’msurehe

knewyouonlyeverwanted

thebestforhim.’

‘Doyouthinkso,Fred?’

Hervoicewastremulous.

Frednoddedfirmly.‘Oh,

yes.Andyou’requiteright.

Thingsweredifferentback

then.You’renottoblame.’

‘You’vebeenverybrave

sharingthatstory,Daphne.

Thankyou.’Marcsmiled

sympathetically.‘AndIhave

hugeadmirationforyou

pickingyourselfupand

movingon.Sometimesjust

gettingthrougheachday

requiresalmostsuperhuman

strength.’

WhenIlookeddown,

Daphnewasholdingmy

hand.Ifeltherplumpfingers

intertwinewithmine.I

squeezedhersback.And

beforeIcouldthinkIbegan

totalk.‘I’vedonesomething

IwishIcouldchange.’

Halfadozenfacesturned

tome.‘ImetWill’sdaughter.

Shesortoflandedinmylife

outoftheblueandIthought

thatwasgoingtobemyway

offeelingbetterabouthis

deathbutinsteadIjustfeel

like–’

Theywerestaring.Fred

waspullingaface.

‘What?’

‘Who’sWill?’saidFred.

‘Yousaidhisnamewas

Bill.’

Islumpedalittleinmy

chair.‘WillisBill.Ifelt

weirdaboutusinghisreal

namebefore.’Therewasa

generalreleaseofbreath

aroundtheroom.

Daphnepattedmyhand.

‘Don’tworry,dear.It’sjusta

name.Ourlastgroupwehad

awomanwhoinventedthe

wholething.Saidshehada

childdiedfromleukaemia.

Turnedoutshedidn’teven

haveagoldfish.’

‘It’sokay,Louisa.Youcan

talktous.’Marcgavemehis

SpecialEmpatheticGaze.I

gavehimasmallsmileback,

justtoshowhimIhad

receivedandunderstood.And

thatWillwasnotagoldfish.

Whatthehell?Ithought.My

lifeisnomoremixedupthan

anyoftheirs.

SoItoldthemaboutLily

turningupandhowIhad

thoughtIcouldfixherand

bringaboutareunionthat

wouldmakeeveryonehappy,

andhowInowfeltstupidfor

mynaivety.‘IfeellikeI’ve

letWill–everyone–down

again,’Isaid.‘Andnowshe’s

goneandIkeepasking

myselfwhatIcouldhave

donedifferently,butthereal

truthisIcouldn’tcope.I

wasn’tstrongenoughtotake

chargeofitallandmakeit

better.’

‘Butyourthings!Your

preciousthingsgotstolen!’

Daphne’sotherplump,damp

handclampedontomine.

‘Youhadeveryrighttobe

angry!’

‘Justbecauseshedoesn’t

haveafatherdoesn’tgiveher

theexcusetobehavelikea

brat,’saidSunil.

‘Ithinkyouwereverynice

toletherstayinthefirst

place.I’mnotsureIwould,’

saidDaphne.

‘Whatdoyouthinkher

fathermighthavedone

differently,Louisa?’Marc

pouredhimselfanothercupof

coffee.

Iwished,suddenly,thatwe

hadsomethingstronger.‘I

don’tknow,’Isaid.‘Buthe

hadthiswayoftakingcharge.

Evenwhenhecouldn’tmove

hisarmsandlegsyougotthe

feelinghewascapable.He

wouldhavestoppedherdoing

stupidstuff.Hewouldhave

gotherstraightenedout

somehow.’

‘Areyousureyou’renot

idealizinghim?Wedo

idealizationinweekeight,’

saidFred.‘Ikeepturning

Jillyintoasaint,don’tI,

Marc?Iforgetthatsheused

toleaveherhold-upshanging

overtheshowerrailandit

drovemeabsolutelypotty.’

‘Herfathermightnothave

beenabletodoanythingto

helpheratall.Youhaveno

idea.Theymighthave

loathedeachother.’

‘Shesoundslikea

complicatedyoungwoman,’

saidMarc.‘Andit’spossible

thatyougaveherasmany

chancesasyoucould.But…

sometimes,Louisa,moving

onmeanswedohaveto

protectourselves.And

perhapsyouunderstoodthat,

deepdown.IfLilysimply

broughtchaosandnegativity

intoyourlife,thenfornow,

it’spossibleyoudidtheonly

thingyoucould.’

‘Oh,yes.’Therewerenods

aroundthecircle.‘Bekindto

yourself.You’reonly

human.’Theyweresosweet,

smilingatmereassuringly,

wantingmetofeelbetter.

Ialmostbelievedthem.

OnTuesdayIaskedVeraif

shecouldgivemeten

minutes(Imutteredvague

thingsaboutWomen’s

Troublesandshenodded,as

iftosayWomen’sLives

WereNothingbutTrouble,

andmurmuredthatshewould

tellmelaterabouther

fibroids).Irantothequietest

Ladiesloo–theonlyplaceI

couldbesureRichard

wouldn’tseeme–withmy

laptopinmybag.Ithrewa

shirtoverthetopofmy

uniform,balancedthelaptop

nearthebasinsandhooked

intothethirtyminutes’free

airportWi-Fi,positioning

myselfcarefullyinfrontof

thescreen.MrGopnik’s

Skypecallcameindeadon

fiveo’clock,justasI

whippedoffmyringletsIrish-

dancing-girlwig.

EvenifIhadseennothing

elseofLeonardGopnikthan

hispixellatedface,Icould

havetoldyouhewasrich.He

hadbeautifullycutsalt-and-

pepperhair,andgazedoutof

thesmallscreenwithnatural

authority,andspokewithout

wastingaword.Well,there

wasthatandthegilt-framed

oldmasteronthewallbehind

him.

Heaskednothingaboutmy

schoolrecord,my

qualifications,myCVorwhy

Iwasconductinganinterview

besideahand-dryer.He

lookeddownatsomepapers,

thenaskedaboutmy

relationshipwiththe

Traynors.

‘Good!Imean,I’msure

theywouldprovidea

reference.I’veseenbothof

themrecently,foronereason

oranother.Wegetonwell,

despitethe–the

circumstancesof…’

‘Thecircumstancesofthe

endofyouremployment.’His

voicewaslow,decisive.

‘Yes,Nathanhasexplaineda

lotaboutthatsituation.Quite

athingtobeinvolvedin.’

‘Yes.Itwas,’Isaid,aftera

short,awkwardsilence.‘ButI

feltprivileged.Tobepartof

Will’slife.’

Heregisteredthis.‘What

haveyoubeendoingsince?’

‘Um,well,Itravelledabit,

Europemostly,whichwas…

interesting.It’sgoodto

travel.Andgetaperspective.

Obviously.’Itriedtosmile.

‘AndI’mnowworkingatan

airportbutit’snotreally–’

AsIspoke,thedooropened

behindmeandawoman

walkedin,pullingawheelie

case.Ishiftedmycomputer,

hopinghecouldn’thearthe

soundofherenteringthe

cubicle.‘It’snotreallywhatI

wanttobedoinglongterm.’

Pleasedon’tweenoisily,I

beggedhersilently.

Heaskedmeafew

questionsaboutmycurrent

responsibilities,andsalary

level.Itriedtoignorethe

soundofflushing,andkept

mygazestraightahead,

ignoringthewomanwho

emerged.

‘Andwhatdoyouwant–’

AsMrGopnikbeganto

speak,shereachedpastme

andstartedupthehand-dryer,

whichletoutadeafeningroar

besideme.Hefrowned.

‘Holdononemoment,

please,MrGopnik.’Iputmy

thumboverwhatIhopedwas

themicrophone.‘I’msorry,’I

shoutedatthewoman.‘You

can’tusethat.It’s…broken.’

Sheturnedtowardsme,

rubbingperfectlymanicured

fingers,thenbacktothe

machine.‘No,it’snot.

Where’stheout-of-order

sign,then?’

‘Burnedoff.Suddenly.

Awful,dangerousthing.’

Shefixedme,thenthe

hand-dryer,withasuspicious

look,removedherhandsfrom

underit,tookhercaseand

walkedout.Iwedgedthe

chairagainstthedoortostop

anyoneelsecomingin,

shiftingmylaptopagainso

thatMrGopnikcouldseeme.

‘I’msosorry.I’mhavingto

dothisatworkandit’salittle

…’

Hewasstudyinghis

paperwork.‘Nathantellsme

youhadanaccidentrecently.’

Iswallowed.‘Idid.But

I’mmuchbetter.I’m

completelyfine.Well,fine

exceptIwalkwithaslight

limp.’

‘Happenstothebestofus,’

hesaid,withasmallsmile.I

smiledback.Someonetried

thedoor.Imovedsothatmy

weightwasagainstit.

‘Sowhatwasthehardest

part?’MrGopniksaid.

‘I’msorry?’

‘OfworkingforWilliam

Traynor.Itsoundslikequitea

challenge.’

Ihesitated.Theroomwas

suddenlyveryquiet.‘Letting

himgo.’Isaid.Andfound

myselfunexpectedlybiting

backtears.

LeonardGopnikgazedat

mefromseveralthousand

milesaway.Ifoughttheurge

towipemyeyes.‘My

secretarywillbeintouch,

MissClark.Thankyoufor

yourtime.’Andthen,witha

nod,hisfacestilledandthe

screenwentblankandIwas

leftstaringatit,

contemplatingthefactthatI

hadblownit,yetagain.

Thatnight,onthewayhome,

Idecidednottothinkabout

theinterview.InsteadI

repeatedMarc’swordsinmy

head,likeamantra.Iran

throughthethingsthatLily

haddone,theuninvited

guests,thetheft,thedrugs,

theendlesslatenights,the

borrowingofmythings,and

ranthemthroughtheprismof

mygroup’scounsel.Lilywas

chaos,disorder,agirlwho

tookandgavenothingin

return.Shewasyoung,and

biologicallyrelatedtoWill,

butthatdidn’tmeanIhadto

assumetotalresponsibilityfor

herorputupwiththeturmoil

sheleftinherwake.

Ifeltalittlebetter.Idid.I

remindedmyselfof

somethingelseMarchad

said:thatnojourneyoutof

griefwasstraightforward.

Therewouldbegooddays

andbaddays.Todaywasjust

abadday,akinkintheroad,

tobetraversedandsurvived.

Iletmyselfintotheflat,

anddroppedmybag,

suddenlygratefulforthe

smallpleasureofahomethat

wasjustasI’dleftit.Iwould

allowsometimetopass,I

toldmyself,andthenIwould

texther,andIwouldmake

sureourfuturevisitswere

structured.Iwouldfocusmy

energiesongettinganewjob.

Iwouldthinkaboutmyself

forachange.Iwouldlet

myselfheal.Ihadtostopat

thatpointbecauseIwasa

littleworriedthatIwas

startingtosoundlikeTanya

Houghton-Miller.

Iglancedatthefireescape.

Steponewouldbegetting

backuponthatstupidroof.I

wouldclimbupthereby

myselfwithouthavinga

panicattackandIwouldsit

thereforafullhalf-hour,

breathetheairandstop

lettingapartofmyown

homehavesucharidiculous

holdonmyimagination.

Itookoffmyuniformand

putonshortsand,justfor

confidence,Will’s

lightweightcashmerejumper,

theoneIhadtakenfromhis

houseafterhedied,

comfortedbythesoftfeelof

itagainstmyskin.Iwalked

downthecorridorandopened

thewindowwide.Itwasjust

twoshortflightsofironsteps.

AndthenIwouldbeupthere.

‘Nothingwillhappen,’I

saidaloud,andtookadeep

breath.Mylegsfeltcuriously

hollowasIclimbedoutonto

thefireescape,butItold

myselffirmlythatitwasjust

afeeling,theechoofanold

anxiety.Icouldovercomeit,

justasIwouldovercome

everythingelse.Iheard

Will’svoiceinmyear.

C’mon,Clark.Onestepat

atime.

Igraspedtherailstightly

withbothhands,andbeganto

makemywayup.Ididn’t

lookdown.Ididn’tletmyself

thinkaboutwhatheightIwas

at,orhowthefaintbreeze

recalledanearliertimegone

wrong,ortherecurringpain

inmyhipthatneverseemed

togoaway.Ithoughtabout

Sam,andthefurythat

invokedmademepushon.I

didn’thavetobethevictim,

thepersontowhomthings

justhappened.

Itoldmyselfthesethings

andmadeitupthesecond

flightofstepsasmylegs

begantoshake.Iclimbed

inelegantlyoverthelowwall,

afraidthattheywouldgive

wayunderme,anddropped

ontotheroofonmyhands

andknees.Ifeltweakand

clammy.Istayedonallfours,

myeyesshut,whileIlet

myselfabsorbthefactthatI

wasontheroof.Ihadmade

it.Iwasincontrolofmy

destiny.Iwouldstaytherefor

aslongasittooktofeel

normal.

Isatbackonmyheels,

reachingforthesolidityof

thewallaroundme,and

leanedback,takingalong,

deepbreath.Itfeltokay.

Nothingwasmoving.Ihad

doneit.AndthenIopened

myeyesandmybreath

stoppedinmychest.

Therooftopwasariotof

bloom.ThedeadpotsIhad

neglectedformonthswere

filledwithscarletandpurple

flowers,spillingoverthe

edges,likelittlefountainsof

colour.Twonewplanters

mushroomedwithcloudsof

tinybluepetals,anda

Japanesemaplesatinan

ornamentalpotbesideoneof

thebenches,itsleaves

shiveringdelicatelyinthe

breeze.

Inthesunnycornerbythe

southwalltwogrow-bagssat

bythewatertank,withlittle

redcherrytomatoesdangling

fromtheirstalks,andanother

layontheasphaltwithsmall

frillygreenleavesemerging

fromthecentre.Ibeganto

walkslowlytowardsthem,

breathinginthescentof

jasmine,thenstoppedandsat

down,myhandgraspingthe

ironbench.Isankontoa

cushionthatIrecognized

frommylivingroom.

Istaredindisbeliefatthe

littleoasisofcalmandbeauty

thathadbeencreatedfrom

mybarrenrooftop.I

rememberedLilysnapping

thedeadtwigfromapotand

informingmeinall

seriousnessthatitwasa

crimetoletyourplantsdie,

andhercasualobservationin

MrsTraynor’sgarden,‘David

Austinroses.’AndthenI

rememberedlittle

unexplainedbitsofsoilinmy

hallway.

AndIsankmyheadinto

myhands.

C H A P T E R

S E V E N T E E N

ItextedLilytwice.Thefirst

timewastothankherfor

whatshehaddonetomy

rooftop.It’ssogorgeous.I

wishyouhadtoldme.Aday

later,ItextedtosayIwas

sorrythatthingshadbecome

sotrickybetweenus,andthat

ifsheeverwantedtotalk

moreaboutWill,Iwoulddo

mybesttoanswerany

questions.IaddedthatI

hopedshewouldgoandsee

MrTraynorandthenew

baby,asIknewaswellas

mostthatitwasimportantto

stayintouchwithyour

family.

Shedidn’treply.Iwasn’t

entirelysurprised.

ForthenexttwodaysI

foundmyselfreturningtothe

rooftop,likesomeone

worryingaloosetooth.I

wateredtheplants,feelinga

creeping,residualguilt.I

walkedaroundtheglowing

blooms,imaginingherstolen

hoursupthere,howshemust

havecarriedbagsofcompost

andterracottapotsupthefire

escapeinthehoursIwasat

work.ButeverytimeI

thoughtbacktohowwehad

beentogether,Istillwent

aroundincircles.Whatcould

Ihavedone?Icouldn’tmake

theTraynorsacceptherinthe

waysheneededtobe

accepted.Icouldn’tmakeher

happier.Andtheoneperson

whomighthavebeenableto

wasgone.

Therewasamotorbike

parkedoutsidemyblock.I

lockedthecarandlimped

acrosstheroadtogetacarton

ofmilkaftermyshift,

exhausted.Itwasspitting,

andIputmyheaddown

againsttherain.WhenI

lookedup,Isawafamiliar

uniformstandinginthe

entrancetomyblock,andmy

heartlurched.

Iwalkedbackacrossthe

roadstraightpasthim,

fumblinginmybagformy

keys.Whydidfingersalways

turnintococktailsausagesat

momentsofstress?

‘Louisa.’

Thekeysrefusedtoappear.

Iriffledthroughmybaga

secondtime,droppinga

comb,bitsoftissue,loose

change,andcursing.Ipatted

mypockets,tryingtowork

outwheretheymightbe.

‘Louisa.’

Then,withasickening

dropofmystomach,I

rememberedwherethey

were:inthepocketofthe

jeansIhadchangedoutof

justbeforeleavingforwork.

Oh,great.

‘Really?You’rejustgoing

toignoreme?Thisishow

we’redoingthis?’

Itookadeepbreath,and

turnedtohim,straightening

myshouldersalittle.‘Sam.’

Helookedtiredtoo,his

chingreyedwithstubble.

Probablyjustoffashift.It

wasunwisetonoticethese

things.Ifocusedonapointa

littleleftofhisshoulder.

‘Canwetalk?’

‘I’mnotsurethere’sany

point.’

‘Nopoint?’

‘Igotthemessage,okay?

I’mnotevensurewhyyou’re

here.’

‘I’mherebecauseI’vejust

finishedacrappysixteenhour

shiftandIdroppedDonnaoff

uptheroadandIthoughtI

mightaswelltrytoseeyou

andworkoutwhathappened

withus.BecauseIsureashell

don’thaveaclue.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

Weglaredateachother.

WhyhadInotseenbefore

howabrasivehewas?How

unpleasant.Icouldn’t

understandhowIhadbeenso

blindedbylustforthisman

wheneverypartofmenow

wantedtowalkawayfrom

him.Imadeonelastfutile

searchformykeysand

foughttheurgetokickthe

door.

‘So,areyouatleastgoing

togivemeaclue?I’mtired,

Louisa,andIdon’tlike

playinggames.’

‘Youdon’tlikeplaying

games.’Thewordsemerged

inabitterlittlelaugh.

Hetookabreath.‘Okay.

Onething.OnethingandI’ll

go.Ijustwanttoknowwhy

youwon’treturnmycalls.’

Ilookedathimindisbelief.

‘BecauseI’mmanythings,

butI’mnotacompleteidiot.I

meanImusthavebeen–I

sawthewarningsigns,andI

ignoredthem–but,basically,

Ihaven’treturnedyourcalls

becauseyou’reanutter,utter

knob.Okay?’

Istoopedtopickupmy

thingsthathadfallenonthe

ground,feelingmywhole

bodyheatrapidly,asifmy

internalthermostathad

suddenlygonehaywire.‘Oh,

you’resogood,youknow?

Sobloodygood.Ifitweren’t

allsosickandpatheticI’d

actuallybequiteimpressed

byyou.’Istraightenedup,

zippingmybag.‘Lookat

Sam,thegoodfather.So

caring,sointuitive.Andyet

what’sreallygoingon?

You’resobusyshaggingyour

waythroughhalfofLondon

youdon’tevennoticethat

yourownsonisunhappy.’

‘Myson.’

‘Yes!Becauseweactually

listentohim,yousee.Imean,

we’renotmeanttotell

outsiderswhatgoesoninthe

group.Andhewon’ttellyou

becausehe’sateenager.But

he’smiserable,notjustfor

thelossofhismumbut

becauseyou’rebusy

swallowingyourowngriefby

havinganentirearmyof

womentraipseinandoutof

yourbed.’

Iwasshoutingnow,my

wordstumblingovereach

other,myhandswaving.I

couldseeSamirandhis

cousinstaringatmethrough

thewindowoftheshop.I

didn’tcare.Thismightbethe

lasttimeIevergottosaymy

piece.

‘And,yes,yes,Iknow,I

wasstupidenoughtobeone

ofthosewomen.Soforhim,

andfromme,you’reaknob.

Andthat’swhyIdon’twant

totalktoyourightnow.Or

ever,actually.’

Herubbedathishair.‘Are

westilltalkingaboutJake?’

‘OfcourseI’mtalking

aboutJake.Howmanyother

sonshaveyougot?’

‘Jakeisn’tmyson.’

Istaredathim.

‘Jakeismysister’sson.

Was,’hecorrectedhimself.

‘He’smynephew.’

Thesewordstookseveral

secondstofilterintoaformI

couldunderstand.Samwas

gazingatmeintently,his

browfurrowedasifhe,too,

weretryingtokeepup.

‘But–butyoupickhimup.

Heliveswithyou.’

‘IpickhimuponMondays

becausehisdadworksshifts.

Andhestayswithme

sometimes,yes.Hedoesn’t

livewithme.’

‘Jake’s…notyourson?’

‘Idon’thaveanychildren.

ThatI’mawareof.Though

thewholeLilythingdoes

makeyouwonder.’

Ipicturedhimhugging

Jake,mentallyrewoundhalfa

dozenconversations.‘ButI

sawhimwhenwefirstmet.

AndwhenyouandIwere

talkingherolledhiseyes,like

…’

Samloweredhishead.

‘Oh,God,’Isaid.Myhand

wenttomymouth.‘Those

women…’

‘Notmine.’

Westoodthereinthe

middleofthestreet.Samir

wasnowinthedoorway,

watching.Hehadbeenjoined

byanotherofhiscousins.To

ourlefteveryoneatthebus

stopturnedawaywhenthey

realizedweknewthey’dbeen

watchingus.Samnoddedat

thedoorbehindme.‘Doyou

thinkwecouldtalkaboutthis

inside?’

‘Yes.Yes.Oh.No,Ican’t,’

Isaid.‘Iseemtohavelocked

myselfout.’

‘Sparekey?’

‘Intheflat.’

Heranahandoverhis

face,thencheckedhiswatch.

Hewasclearlydrained,

wearytothebone.Itooka

stepbackwardsintothe

doorway.‘Look–gohome

andgetsomerest.We’lltalk

tomorrow.I’msorry.’

Therainsuddenlygrew

heavy,asummerdump,

creatingtorrentsingutters

andfloodingthestreet.

AcrosstheroadSamirandhis

cousinsduckedbackinside.

Samsighed.Helookedup

attheskiesandthenstraight

atme.‘Hangon.’

Samtookalargescrewdriver

hehadborrowedfromSamir

andfollowedmeupthefire

escape.TwiceIslippedon

thewetmetalandhishand

reachedouttosteadyme.

Whenitdid,somethinghot

andunexpectedshotthrough

me.Whenwereachedmy

floor,hepushedthe

screwdriverdeepintothehall

windowframeandstartedto

leverupwards.Itgave

gratifyinglyswiftly.

‘There.’Hewrenchedit

upwards,supportingitwith

onehand,andturnedtome,

motioningmethrough,his

expressionfaintly

disapproving.‘Thatwasway

tooeasyforasinglegirl

livinginthisarea.’

‘Youlooknothinglikea

singlegirllivinginthisarea.’

‘I’mserious.’

‘I’mfine,Sam.’

‘Youdon’tseewhatIsee.I

wantyoutobesafe.’

Itriedtosmile,butmy

kneesweretrembling,my

palmsslipperyontheiron

rail.Imadetosteppasthim

andstaggeredslightly.

‘Youokay?’

Inodded.Hetookmyarm

andhalflifted,halfhelpedme

climbclumsilyintomyflat.I

slumpeddownonthecarpet

bythewindow,waitingto

feelnormalagain.Ihadn’t

sleptproperlyfordaysand

felthalfdead,asifthefury

andadrenalinthathad

sustainedmehadallleached

away.

Samclimbedinandclosed

thewindowbehindhim,

eyeingthebrokenlockonthe

topofthesash.Thehallwas

dark,thethrummingofthe

rainmuffledontheroof.AsI

watched,herummaged

aroundinhispocketuntil,

amongotherdetritus,he

pickedoutasmallnail.He

tookthescrewdriverandused

thehandletoknockthenail

inatanangletostopanyone

openingitfromoutside.Then

hewalkedheavilyoverto

whereIwassitting,andheld

outahand.

‘Benefitsofbeingapart-

timehousebuilder.There’s

alwaysanailsomewhere.

‘C’mon,’hesaid.‘Ifyousit

thereyou’llnevergetup.’

Hishairwasflattenedfrom

therain,hisskinglisteningin

thehalllight,asIlethimpull

metomyfeet.Iwinced,and

hesaw.

‘Hip?’

Inodded.

Hesighed.‘Iwishyou’d

talktome.’Theskinbeneath

hiseyeswasmauvewith

exhaustion.Thereweretwo

longscratchesonthebackof

hislefthand.Iwondered

whathadhappenedthe

previousnight.He

disappearedintothekitchen

andIheardrunningwater.

Whenhecamebackhewas

holdingtwopillsandacup.‘I

shouldn’treallybegivingyou

these.Butthey’llgiveyoua

pain-freenight.’

Itookthemgratefully.He

watchedmeasIswallowed

them.

‘Doyoueverfollow

rules?’

‘WhenIthinkthey’re

sensible.’Hetookthecup

fromme.‘Soarewegood,

LouisaClark?’

Inodded.

Heletoutalongbreath.

‘I’llcallyoutomorrow.’

Afterwards,Iwasn’tsure

whatmademedoit.Myhand

reachedoutandtookhis.I

felthisfingerscloseslowly

aroundmine.‘Don’tgo.It’s

late.Andmotorbikesare

dangerous.’

Itookthescrewdriverfrom

hisotherhand,andletitfall

ontothecarpet.Helookedat

meforthelongesttime,then

slidahandoverhisface.‘I

don’tthinkI’mgoodfor

muchjustnow.’

‘ThenIpromisenottouse

youforsexualgratification.’I

keptmyeyesonhis.‘This

time.’

Hissmilewasslowto

come,butwhenitdid,

everythingfellawayfrom

me,asifIhadbeencarrying

aweightIhadn’tknown.

Youneverknowwhatwill

happenwhenyoufallfroma

greatheight.

Hesteppedoverthe

screwdriver,andIledhim

silentlytowardsmybedroom.

Ilayinthedarkinmylittle

flat,mylegslungoverthe

bulkofasleepingman,his

armpinningmepleasurably

beneathit,andgazedathis

face.

–Fatalcardiacarrest,

motorbikeaccident,suicidal

teenagerandagang-related

stabbingonthePeabody

Estate.Someshiftsarejusta

bit…

–Sssh.It’sokay.Sleep.

Hehadbarelymanagedto

gethisuniformoff.Hehad

strippedtohisT-shirtand

shorts,kissedme,thenclosed

hiseyesandcollapsedintoa

deadslumber.Ihadwondered

whetherIshouldcookhim

something,ortidytheflatso

thatwhenhewokeImight

looklikesomeonewho

actuallyhadahandleonlife.

ButinsteadIundressedtomy

underwearandslidinnextto

him.ForthesefewmomentsI

justwantedtobebesidehim,

mybareskinagainsthisT-

shirt,mybreathmingling

withhis.Ilaylisteningtohis

breathing,marvellingathow

someonecouldbesostill.I

studiedtheslightbumponthe

bridgeofhisnose,the

variationintheshadeofthe

bristlesthatshadowedhis

chin,theslightcurlattheend

ofhisdark,darkeyelashes.I

ranthroughconversationswe

hadhad,puttingthemthrough

anewfilter,onethatpitched

himasasingleman,an

affectionateuncle,andI

wantedtolaughwiththe

idiocyofitall,andcringeat

mymistake.

Itouchedhisfacetwice,

lightly,breathinginthescent

ofhisskin,thefainttangof

antibacterialsoap,theprimal

sexualhintofmalesweat,

andthesecondtimeIdidsoI

felthishandtighten

reflexivelyonmywaist.I

shiftedontomybackand

gazedoutatthestreetlights,

feeling,foronce,thatIwas

notanalieninthiscity.And

finally,Ifoundmyself

drifting…

Hiseyesopenonmine.A

momentlaterherealizes

whereheis.

‘Hey.’

Alurchintowaking.The

peculiardreamlikestatethat

suffusesthesmallhours.He

isinmybed.Hislegagainst

mine.Asmile,creeping

acrossmyface.‘Hey

yourself.’

‘Whattimeisit?’

Iswiveltocatchthedigital

readoutofmyalarm.‘A

quartertofive.’Timesettles

intoorder,theworld,

reluctantly,intosomething

thatmakessense.Outside,the

sodium-litdarkofthestreet.

Theminicabsandnightbuses

rumblepast.Uphereitisjust

himandmeinthenightand

thewarmbedandthesound

ofhisbreathing.

‘Ican’tevenremember

gettinghere.’Helooksoffto

theside,hisfacefaintlylitby

thestreetlights,frowning.I

watchasmemoriesofthe

previousdaylandsoftly,a

silent,mentalOh.Right.

Hisheadturns.Hismouth,

inchesfrommine.Hisbreath,

warmandsweet.‘Imissed

you,LouisaClark.’

Iwanttotellhimthen.I

wanttotellhimthatIdon’t

knowwhatIfeel.Iwanthim

butI’mfrightenedtowant

him.Idon’twantmy

happinesstobeentirely

dependentonsomebody

else’s,tobeahostageto

fortunesIcannotcontrol.

Hiseyesareonmyface,

readingme.‘Stopthinking,’

hesays.

Hepullsmetohim,andI

relax.Thismanspendseach

dayouthere,onthebridge

betweenlifeanddeath.He

understands.‘Youthinktoo

much.’

Hishandslidesdownthe

sideofmyface.Iturn

towardshim,aninvoluntary

reflex,andputmylips

againsthispalm.‘Justlive?’I

whisper.

Henods,andthenhekisses

me,longandslowandsweet,

untilmybodyarchesandI

amjustneedandwantand

longing.

Hisvoiceislowinmyear.

Myname,pullingmein.He

makesitsoundlike

somethingprecious.

Thenextthreedayswerea

blurredmassofstolennights

andbriefmeetings.Imissed

IdealizationWeekinthe

MovingOnCirclebecausehe

turnedupattheflatjustasI

wasleavingandwesomehow

endedupanurgentmessof

armsandlegs,waitingformy

egg-timertogooffsothathe

coulddressandracetopick

Jakeupontime.Twicehe

waswaitingformewhenI

returnedfrommyshift,and

withhislipsonmyneck,his

bighandsonmyhips,the

indignitiesoftheShamrock

andCloverwere,ifnot

forgotten,sweptasidealong

withlastnight’sempties.

Iwantedtoresisthim,butI

couldn’t.Iwasgiddy,

diverted,sleepless.Igot

cystitisanddidn’tcare.I

hummedmywaythrough

work,flirtedwiththe

businessmen,andsmiled

cheerfullyatRichard’s

complaints.Myhappiness

offendedmymanager:I

couldseeitinhischewed

cheek,thewayhesoughtever

morefeeblemisdemeanours

forwhichtotellmeoff.

Icaredaboutnoneofit.I

sangintheshower,layawake

dreaming.Iworemyold

dresses,mybrightlycoloured

cardigansandsatinpumps,

andletmyselfbeenclosedin

abubbleofhappiness,aware

thatbubblesonlyeverexisted

forsolongbeforethey

poppedanyway.

‘ItoldJake,’hesaid.He

hadhalfanhour’sbreak,and

heandDonnahadstopped

outsidemyflatwithlunch

beforeIwentoffforalate

shift.Isatbesidehiminthe

frontseatoftheambulance.

‘Youtoldhimwhat?’He

hadmademozzarella,cherry

tomatoandbasilsandwiches.

Thetomatoes,growninhis

garden,burstinlittle

explosionsofflavourinmy

mouth.Hewasappalledat

howIatewhenIwasalone.

‘Thatyou’dthoughtIwas

hisdad.Helaughedmore

thanI’veseenhimlaughfor

months.’

‘Youdidn’ttellhimItold

youhisdadcriedaftersex,

right?’

‘Iknewamanwhodidthat

once,’saidDonna.‘Buthe

reallysobbed.Itgotsortof

embarrassing.ThefirsttimeI

thoughtI’dbrokenhispenis.’

Iturnedtoher,open-

mouthed.

‘It’sathing.Really.We’ve

hadacoupleintherig,

haven’twe?’

‘Wehave.You’dbe

amazedatthecoitalinjuries

wesee.’Henoddedatmy

sandwich,whichwasstillon

mylap.‘I’lltellyouwhen

yourmouth’sempty.’

‘Coitalinjuries.Great.

Becausetherearen’tenough

thingsinlifetoworryabout.’

Hisgazeslidsidewaysas

hebitintohissandwich,so

thatIblushed.‘Trustme.I’d

letyouknow.’

‘Justsowe’restraight,my

oldmucker,’saidDonna,

offeringuponeofherever-

presentenergydrinks,‘Iam

sototallynotgoingtobeyour

firstresponderforthatone.’

Ilikedbeinginthecab.

SamandDonnahadtheno-

nonsensewrymannerof

thosewhohadseenpretty

mucheveryhumancondition,

andtreatedit,too.Theywere

funnyanddark,andIfelt

oddlyathomewedged

betweenthem,asifmylife,

withallitsstrangeness,was

actuallyprettynormal.

ThesewerethethingsI

learnedinthespaceofseveral

snatchedlunchhours:

–Almostnomenor

womenovertheage

ofseventywould

complainabouttheir

painortheir

treatment,evenifa

limbwereactually

hangingoff.

–Thosesameelderly

menorwomenwould

almostalways

apologizefor‘making

afuss’.

–Thattheterm‘Patient

PFO’wasnot

scientificterminology

but‘PatientPissed

andFellOver’.

–Pregnantwomenrarely

gavebirthintheback

ofambulances.(Iwas

quitedisappointedby

thatone.)

–Thatnobodyusedthe

term‘ambulance

driver’anymore.

Especiallynot

ambulancedrivers.

–Therewouldalwaysbe

ahandfulofmenwho

wouldanswer,when

askedtodescribehow

muchpaintheywere

inoutoften,with

‘eleven’.

Butwhatcamethrough

most,whenSamarrivedback

afteralongshift,wasthe

bleakness:solitary

pensioners;obesemenglued

toatelevisionscreen,too

largeeventotrytoget

themselvesupanddowntheir

ownstairs;youngmothers

whospokenoEnglish,

confinedtotheirflatswitha

millionsmallchildren,unsure

howtocallforhelpwhenit

wasneeded;andthe

depressed,thechronicallyill,

theunloved.

Somedays,hesaid,itfelt

likeavirus:youhadtoscrub

themelancholyfromyour

skinalongwiththescentof

antiseptic.Andthenthere

werethesuicides,thelives

endedundertrainsorinsilent

bathrooms,theirbodiesoften

unnoticedforweeksor

monthsuntilsomebody

remarkedonthesmell,or

wonderedwhyso-and-so’s

postwasnowspillingoutof

theirpigeonhole.

‘Doyoueverget

frightened?’

Helay,oversized,inmy

littlebath.Thewaterhad

turnedfaintlypinkwiththe

bloodfromapatient’s

gunshotwoundthathad

leakedalloverhim.Iwasa

littlesurprisedathowswiftly

Ihadgotusedtohavinga

nakedmaninthevicinity.

Especiallyonewhocould

movebyhimself.

‘Youcan’tdothisjobif

you’refrightened,’hesaid

simply.

Hehadbeeninthearmy

beforehe’djoinedthe

paramedics;itwasnotan

unusualcareerarc.‘Theylike

usbecausewedon’tscare

easy,andwe’veseenitall.

Mindyou,someofthose

drunkkidsscaremefarmore

thantheTalibaneverdid.’

Isatonthelooseatbeside

himandstaredathisbodyin

thediscolouredwater.Even

withhissizeandstrength,I

shivered.

‘Hey,’hesaid,seeing

somethingpassacrossmy

face,andreachedoutahand

tome.‘It’sfine,really.Ihave

averygoodnosefortrouble.’

Heclosedhisfingersaround

mine.‘It’snotagreatjobfor

relationships,though.Mylast

girlfriendcouldn’tcopewith

it.Thehours.Nights.The

mess.’

‘Thepinkbathwater.’

‘Yeah.Sorryaboutthat.

Theshowersweren’tworking

atthestation.Ishouldreally

havegonehomefirst.’He

lookedatmeinawaythat

showedmetherehadbeenno

chanceofhimgoinghome

first.Hepulledtheplugtolet

someofthewaterdrainaway,

thenturnedonthetapsfor

more.

‘Sowhowasshe,yourlast

girlfriend?’Ikeptmyvoice

level.Iwasnotgoingtobe

oneofthosewomen,evenif

hehadturnedoutnottobe

oneofthosemen.

‘Iona.Travelagent.Sweet

girl.’

‘Butyouweren’tinlove

withher.’

‘Whydoyousaythat?’

‘Nobodyeversays“sweet

girl”aboutsomeonethey

wereinlovewith.It’slikethe

whole“we’llstillbefriends”

thing.Itmeansyoudidn’t

feelenough.’

Hewasbrieflyamused.‘So

whatwouldIhavesaidifI

hadbeeninlovewithher?’

‘Youwouldhavelooked

veryserious,andsaid,

“Karen.Complete

nightmare,”orshutdownand

goneall“Idon’twanttotalk

aboutit.”’

‘You’reprobablyright.’

Hethoughtforabit.‘IfI’m

honestIdidn’treallywantto

feelmuchaftermysister

died.BeingwithEllenforthe

lastfewmonths,helpinglook

afterher,kindofknockedme

sideways.’Heglancedatme.

‘Cancercanbeaprettybrutal

waytogo.Jake’sdadfell

apart.Somepeopledo.SoI

figuredtheyneededmethere.

IfI’mhonest,Iprobablyonly

heldittogethermyself

becausewecouldn’tallgoto

pieces.’Wesatinsilencefor

amoment.Icouldn’ttellif

hiseyeshadgoneabitred

fromgrieforsoap.

‘Anyway.So,yes.

Probablynotmuchofa

boyfriendbackthen.Sowho

wasyours?’hesaid,whenhe

finallyturnedbacktome.

‘Will.’

‘Ofcourse.Nobodysince?’

‘NobodyIwanttotalk

about.’Ishuddered.

‘Everyone’sallowedtheir

ownwayback,Louisa.Don’t

beatyourselfupaboutit.’

Hisskinwashotandwet,

makingithardformetohold

ontohisfingers.Ireleased

them,andhebegantowash

hishair.Isatandwatched

him,lettingthemoodlift,

enjoyingthebunchedmuscles

inhisshoulders,thegleamof

hiswetskin.Ilikedtheway

hewashedhishair:

vigorously,withakindof

matter-of-factness,shaking

offtheexcesswaterlikea

dog.

‘Oh.Ihadajobinterview,’

Isaid,whenhefinished.‘For

athinginNewYork.’

‘NewYork.’Heraisedan

eyebrow.

‘Iwon’tgetit.’

‘Shame.I’vealways

wantedanexcusetogoto

NewYork.’Heslidslowly

underthewatersothatonly

hismouthremained.Itbroke

intoaslowsmile.‘Butyou’d

gettokeepthepixieoutfit,

yes?’

Ifeltthemoodshift.And,

fornoreasonatallotherthan

thathedidn’texpectit,I

climbedfullyclothedintothe

bathandkissedhimashe

laughedandspluttered.Iwas

suddenlygladofhissolidity

inaworldwhereitwasso

easytofall.

Ifinallymadeanefforttosort

outtheflat.OnmydayoffI

boughtanarmchair,anda

coffee-table,andasmall

framedprint,whichIhung

nearthetelevision,andthose

thingssomehowconspiredto

suggestsomeonemight

actuallylivethere.Ibought

newbeddingandtwo

cushionsandhungupallmy

vintageclothesinthe

wardrobesothatopeningit

nowrevealedariotofpattern

andcolour,insteadofseveral

pairsofcheapjeansanda

too-shortLurexdress.I

managedtoturnmy

anonymouslittleflatinto

somethingthatfelt,ifnot

quitelikeahome,vaguely

welcoming.

Bysomebeneficenceof

theshift-schedulinggods,

SamandIbothhadadayoff.

Eighteenuninterruptedhours

inwhichhedidnothaveto

listentoasiren,andIdidnot

havetolistentothesoundof

panpipesorcomplaintsabout

dry-roastedpeanuts.Time

spentwithSam,Inoted,

seemedtogotwiceasfastas

thehoursIspentalone.Ihad

ponderedthemillionthings

wecoulddotogether,then

dismissedhalfofthemastoo

‘couple-y’.Iwondered

whetherourspendingso

muchtimetogetherwaswise.

ItextedLilyonemore

time.Lily,pleasegetin

touch.Iknowyou’remadat

me,butjustcall.Yourgarden

islookingbeautiful!Ineed

youtoshowmehowtolook

afterit,andwhattodowith

thetomatoplants,whichhave

gotreallytall(isthisright?).

Maybeafterwecouldgoout

dancing?xIpressedsendand

staredatthelittlescreenjust

asthedoorbellrang.

‘Hey.’Hefilledmy

doorway,holdingatoolboxin

onehandandabagof

groceriesintheother.

‘Oh,myGod,’Isaid.

‘You’reliketheultimate

femalefantasy.’

‘Shelves,’hesaid,

deadpan.‘Youneedshelves.’

‘Oh,baby.Keeptalking.’

‘Andhome-cookedfood.’

‘That’sit.Ijustcame.’

Helaughedanddropped

thetoolsinthehallwayand

kissedme,andwhenwe

finallyuntangledourselves,

hewalkedthroughtothe

kitchen.‘Ithoughtwecould

gotothepictures.Youknow

oneofthegreatestbenefitsto

shift-workingisempty

matinées,right?’

Icheckedmyphone.

‘Butnothingwithbloodin

it.Igetabittiredofblood.’

WhenIlookeduphewas

watchingme.

‘What?Don’tfancyit?Or

isthatgoingtostampallover

yourplansforZombieFlesh

EatersFifteen?…What?’

Ifrowned,anddroppedmy

handtomyside.‘Ican’tget

holdofLily.’

‘Ithoughtyousaidshe’d

gonehome?’

‘Shedid.Butshewon’t

takemycalls.Ithinkshe’s

reallyupsetwithme.’

‘Herfriendsstoleyour

stuff.You’reallowedtobe

theonewho’supset.’

Hestartedtopullthings

outofthebag,lettuces,

tomatoes,avocados,eggs,

herbs,stackingthemneatlyin

mynear-emptyfridge.He

lookedupatmeasItexted

heragain.‘Comeon.She

couldhavedroppedher

phone,leftitinsomeclub,or

runoutofcredit.Youknow

whatteenagersarelike.Or

she’sjustthrowingamassive

strop.Sometimesyouneedto

letthemworkitoutoftheir

system.’

Itookhishandandshutthe

fridgedoor.‘Ineedtoshow

yousomething.’Hiseyeslit

upbriefly.‘Notthat,no,you

badman.Thatwillhaveto

waittilllater.’

Samstoodontherooftopand

gazedaroundhimatthe

flowers.‘Andyouhadno

idea?’

‘Noneatall.’

Hesatdownheavilyonthe

bench.Isatnexttohimand

webothstaredatthelittle

garden.

‘Ifeelawful,’Isaid.‘I

basicallyaccusedherof

destroyingeverythingshe

wentnear.Andallthetime

shewascreatingthis.’

Hestoopedtofeelthe

leavesonatomatoplant,then

straightened,shakinghis

head.‘Okay.Sowe’llgotalk

toher.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah.Lunchfirst.Then

cinema.Thenwe’llturnup

onherdoorstep.Thatwayshe

won’tbeabletoavoidyou.’

Hetookmyhandandraisedit

tohislips.‘Hey.Don’tlook

soworried.Thegardenis

goodnews.Itshowsthather

head’snotinatotallybad

place.’

HereleasedmyhandandI

squintedathim.‘Howcome

youalwaysmakeeverything

better?’

‘Ijustdon’tlikeseeingyou

sad.’

Icouldn’ttellhimthatI

wasn’tsadwhenIwaswith

him.Icouldn’ttellhimthat

hemademesohappyIwas

afraidofit.IthoughtofhowI

likedhavinghisfoodinmy

fridge,howIglancedatmy

phonetwentytimesaday

waitingforhismessages,how

Iconjuredhisnakedbodyin

myimaginationinthequiet

minutesatworkandthenhad

tothinkveryhardaboutfloor

polishortillreceiptsjustto

stopmyselfglowing.

Slowdown,saidawarning

voice.Don’tgettooclose.

Hiseyessoftened.‘You

haveasweetsmile,Louisa

Clark.It’soneoftheseveral

hundredthingsIlikeabout

you.’

Iletmyselfgazebackat

himforaminute.Thisman,I

thought.AndthenIslapped

myhandsheavilyonmy

knees.‘C’mon,’Isaid

briskly.‘Let’sgowatcha

movie.’

Thecinemawasalmost

empty.Wesatsidebysideat

thebackinaseatwhere

someonehadknockedoutthe

armrest,andSamfedme

popcornfromacardboard

bucketthesizeofadustbin,

andItriednottothinkabout

theweightofhishandresting

onmybareleg,becausewhen

IdidIfrequentlylosttrackof

whatwashappeningwiththe

plot.

ThefilmwasanAmerican

comedyabouttwo

mismatchedcopswhofind

themselvesmistakenfor

criminals.Itwasn’tvery

funny,butIlaughedanyway.

Sam’sfingersappearedin

frontofme,bearinga

bulbousknobbleofsalted

popcornandItookit,and

another,then,asan

afterthought,keptholdofhis

fingersbetweenmyteeth.He

lookedatmeandshookhis

head,slowly.

Ifinishedthepopcornand

swallowed.‘Nobodywill

see,’Iwhispered.

Heraisedaneyebrow.‘I’m

toooldforthis,’he

murmured.ButwhenIturned

hisfacetomineinthehot,

darkair,andstartedtokiss

him,hedroppedthepopcorn

andhishandslidslowlyup

myback.

Andthenmyphonerang.

Therewasahissof

disapprovalfromthetwo

peopleatthefront.‘Sorry.

Sorry,youtwo!’(Giventhere

wereonlyfourofusinthe

cinema.)Iscrambledoff

Sam’slapandanswered.A

numberIdidn’trecognize.

‘Louisa?’

Ittookmeasecondto

‘Justgivemeaminute.’I

pulledafaceatSam,and

mademywayout.

‘Sorry,MrsTraynor.Ijust

hadto–Areyoustillthere?

Hello?’

Thefoyerwasempty,the

cordoned-offqueueareas

deserted,thefrozen-drinks

machinechurningits

colouredicelistlesslybehind

thecounter.

‘Oh,thankgoodness.

Louisa?IwonderedifIcould

speaktoLily.’

Istood,withthephone

pressedtomyear.

‘I’vebeenthinkingabout

whathappenedtheother

weekandI’msosorry.Imust

haveseemed…’She

hesitated.‘Look,Iwas

wonderingifyouthoughtshe

wouldagreetoseeme.’

‘MrsTraynor–’

‘I’dliketoexplaintoher.

ForthelastyearorsoI’ve…

well,I’venotbeenmyself.

I’vebeenonthesetabletsand

theymakemeratherdim-

witted.AndIwassotaken

abacktofindyouonmy

doorstep,andthenIsimply

couldn’tbelievewhatyou

bothweretellingme.Itall

seemedsounlikely.ButI…

Well,I’vespokentoSteven

andheconfirmedthewhole

thingandI’vebeensitting

herefordaysanddigestingit

allandIjustthink…Will

hadadaughter.Ihavea

granddaughter.Ikeepsaying

thewords.SometimesIthink

Idreamedit.’

Ilistenedtothe

uncharacteristicflurryofher

words.‘Iknow,’Isaid.‘Ifelt

likethat,too.’

‘Ican’tstopthinkingabout

her.Idosowanttomeether

properly.Doyouthinkshe’d

agreetoseemeagain?’

‘MrsTraynor,she’snot

stayingwithmeanymore.

Butyes.’Iranmyfingers

throughmyhair.‘Yes,of

courseI’llaskher.’

Icouldn’tfocusontherestof

thefilm.Intheend,perhaps

realizingthatIwassimply

staringatamovingscreen,

Samsuggestedweleave.We

stoodinthecarparkbyhis

bikeandItoldhimwhat

she’dsaid.

‘There,see?’hesaid,asifI

haddonesomethingtobe

proudof.‘Let’sgo.’

Hewaitedonthebikeacross

theroadasIknockedonthe

door.Iliftedmychin,

determinedthatthistimeI

wouldnotletTanya

Houghton-Millerintimidate

me.Iglancedback,andSam

noddedencouragingly.

Thedooropened.Tanya

wasdressedinachocolate

linendressandGrecian

sandals.Shelookedmeup

anddownasshehadwhen

we’dfirstmet,asifmyown

wardrobehadfailedsome

invisibletest.(Thiswasa

littleannoyingasIwas

wearingmyfavourite

checkedcottonpinafore

dress.)Hersmilestayedon

herlipsforjustananosecond,

thenfellaway.‘Louisa.’

‘Sorrytoturnup

unannounced,MrsHoughton-

Miller.’

‘Hassomething

happened?’

Iblinked.‘Well,yes,

actually.’Ipushedmyhair

fromthesideofmyface.

‘I’vehadacallfromMrs

Traynor,Will’smother.I’m

sorrytobotheryouwiththis,

butshe’dreallyliketogetin

contactwithLily,andas

she’snotpickingupher

phone,Iwonderedifyou’d

mindaskinghertocallme?’

Tanyagazedatmefrom

underperfectlyplucked

brows.

Ikeptmyfaceneutral.‘Or

maybewecouldhaveaquick

chatwithher.’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘WhywouldyouthinkI

wouldaskher?’

Itookabreath,pickingmy

wordscarefully.‘Iknowyou

havestrongfeelingsaboutthe

Traynorfamily,butIdothink

itwouldbeinLily’sinterests.

Idon’tknowifshetoldyou

buttheyhadaratherdifficult

firstmeetingtheotherweek

andMrsTraynorwouldreally

likethechancetostartagain.’

‘Shecandowhatshe

wants,Louisa.ButIdon’t

knowwhyyou’reexpecting

metogetinvolved.’

Itriedtokeepmyvoice

polite.‘Um…because

you’rehermother?’

‘Whomshehasn’tbothered

tocontactinmorethana

week.’

Istoodverystill.

Somethingcoldandhard

settledinmystomach.‘What

didyoujustsay?’

‘Lily.Hasn’tbotheredto

contactme.Ithoughtatleast

shemightcomeandsayhello

afterwegotbackfrom

holidaybut,no,that’splainly

beyondher.Suitingherself,

asusual.’Sheextendeda

handtoexamineher

fingernails.

‘MrsHoughton-Miller,she

wasmeanttobewithyou.’

‘What?’

‘Lily.Wasmovingbackin

withyou.Whenyougot

homefromyourholiday.She

leftmyflat…tendaysago.’

C H A P T E R E I G H T E E N

WestoodinTanya

Houghton-Miller’s

immaculatekitchenandI

staredathershinycoffee

machinewith108knobs,

whichhadprobablycost

morethanmycar,andran

throughthepreviousweek’s

eventsfortheumpteenth

time.

‘Itwasaroundhalftwelve.

Igavehertwentypoundsfor

ataxiandaskedhertoleave

herkey.Ijustassumedshe’d

comehome.’Ifeltsick.I

walkedthelengthofthe

breakfastbarandbackagain,

mybrainracing.‘Ishould

havechecked.Butshetended

tocomeandgoasshe

pleased.Andwe…well,

we’dhadabitofarow.’

Samstoodbythedoor,

rubbinghisbrow.‘And

neitherofyouhasheard

anythingfromhersince.’

‘I’vetextedherfourorfive

times,’Isaid.‘Ijustassumed

shewasstillangrywithme.’

Tanyahadn’tofferedus

coffee.Shestrolledtothe

stairwell,peeredupstairs,

thenglancedatherwatch,as

ifshewerewaitingforusto

go.Shedidnotlooklikea

parentwhohadjust

discoveredherchildwas

missing.PeriodicallyIheard

thedullroarofavacuum-

cleaner.

‘MrsHoughton-Miller,has

anyonehereheardfromherat

all?Canyoutellfromyour

phonewhethershe’seven

readhertexts?’

‘Itoldyou,’shesaid.Her

voicewasstrangelycalm.‘I

toldyouthiswaswhatshe

waslike.Butyouwouldn’t

listen.’

‘Ithinkwe–’

Sheliftedahand,stopping

Sam.‘Thisisnotthefirst

time.Oh,no.Shedisappeared

fordaysbefore,whenshe

wasmeanttobeatboarding-

school.Iblamethem,of

course.Theyweremeantto

knowexactlywhereshewas

atalltimes.Theyonlyrang

uswhenshe’dbeengone

forty-eighthoursandthenwe

hadtogetthepolice

involved.Apparentlyoneof

thegirlsinherdormhadlied

forher.Whytheycouldn’t

tellwhowasandwhowasn’t

thereiscompletelybeyond

me,especiallygiventhe

ridiculousfeeswepay.

Franciswasallforsuing

them.Hewascalledoutof

hisannualboardmeetingto

dealwithit.Itwasahuge

embarrassment.’

Upstairstherewasacrash

andsomebodystartedtocry.

Tanyawalkedtothekitchen

door.‘Lena!Takethemoutto

thepark,forgoodness’sake!’

Shecamebackintothe

kitchen.‘Youknowshegets

drunk.Shetakesdrugs.She

stolemyMappin&Webb

diamondearrings.Shewon’t

admitit,butshedid.They

wereworththousands.Ihave

noideawhatshedidwith

them.She’stakenadigital

camera,too.’

Ithoughtbacktomy

missingjewelleryand

somethinginmetightened

uncomfortably.

‘So,yes.Thisisallrather

predictable.Ididtellyou.

Andnow,ifyou’llexcuse

me,Ireallyhavetogoand

sorttheboysout.They’re

havingadifficultday.’

‘Butyou’llcallthepolice,

yes?She’ssixteenyearsold

andit’sbeenalmostten

days.’

‘Theywon’tbeinterested.

Notoncetheyknowwhoit

is.’Tanyaheldupaslender

finger.‘Expelledfromtwo

schoolsfortruanting.

Cautionedforpossessionofa

class-Adrug.Drunkand

disorderly.Shoplifting.

What’sthephrase?My

daughterhas“form”.Tobe

perfectlyfrank,evenifthe

policedofindherandbring

herbackhere,she’llsimply

upandgoagainwhenitsuits

her.’

Awirehadtightened

acrossmychest,constricting

mybreath.Wherewouldshe

havegone?Wasthatboy,the

onewhohungaroundoutside

myflat,involved?The

nightclubberswhohadbeen

withLilythatdrunkennight?

HowhadIbeensodistracted?

‘Let’scallthemregardless.

She’sstillveryyoung.’

‘No.Idonotwantthe

policeinvolved.Francisis

havingaverytrickytimeat

workrightnow.He’sfighting

toretainhisplaceonthe

board.Iftheygetwindthat

he’sinvolvedinsomesortof

policebusinessthatwillbe

it.’

Sam’sjawtightened.He

tookamomentbeforehe

spoke.‘MrsHoughton-

Miller,yourdaughteris

vulnerable.Ireallythinkit’s

timetogetsomeoneelse

involved.’

‘IfyoucallthemI’ll

simplyexplaintothemwhat

I’vejusttoldyou.’

‘MrsHoughton-Miller–’

‘Howmanytimeshaveyou

mether,MrFielding?’She

leanedbackagainstthe

cooker.‘Youknowherbetter

thanIdo,doyou?You’ve

beenkeptupnightswaiting

forhertocomehome?

You’velostsleep?Hadto

explainherbehaviourto

teachersandpoliceofficers?

Apologizetoshopassistants

forthingsshe’sstolen?Bail

outhercreditcard?’

‘Someofthemostchaotic

kidsarethosemostatrisk.’

‘Mydaughterisatalented

manipulator.Shewillbewith

oneofherfriends.Justasshe

hasbeenbefore.Iwill

guaranteethatwithinthenext

dayortwoLilywillturnup

here,drunkandscreechingin

themiddleofthenight,or

knockingatLouisa’sdoor,or

beggingformoney,andyou

willprobablyhavereasonto

wishsheneverhad.Someone

willletherinandshe’llbe

sorryandcontriteandterribly

sad,andthenafewdayslater,

she’llbringabunchoffriends

homeorstealsomething.And

thewholesorrycyclewill

revolveagain.’

Shepushedhergoldenhair

backfromherface.Sheand

Samstaredateachother.

‘I’vehadtoundergo

counsellingtocopewiththe

chaosmydaughterhas

broughtintomylife,Mr

Fielding.It’shardenough

copingwithherbrothersand

their…behavioural

difficulties.Butoneofthe

thingsyoulearnintherapyis

thattherecomesapointwhen

youhavetotakecareof

yourself.Lilyisoldenough

tomakeherowndecisions–’

‘She’sachild,’Isaid.

‘Oh,yes–that’sright.A

childyouturnedoutofyour

apartmentsometimeafter

midnight.’TanyaHoughton-

Millerheldmygazewiththe

complacencyofsomeone

whohadjustbeenproven

right.‘Noteverythingisblack

andwhite.Muchaswewould

likeittobe.’

‘You’renotevenworried,

areyou?’Isaid.

Sheheldmygaze.‘No,

frankly.I’vebeenheretoo

manytimesbefore.’Imadeto

speakagainbutshewas

aheadofme.‘Quitethe

saviourcomplex,haven’t

you,Louisa?Well,my

daughterdoesn’tneedsaving.

Andifshedid,Iwouldn’tbe

hugelyconvincedbyyour

recordsofar.’

Sam’sarmwasaroundme

evenbeforeIwasabletotake

abreath.Myretortformed,

toxic,inmymouth,butshe

hadalreadyturnedaway.

‘C’mon,’hesaid,propelling

meoutintothehallway.

‘Let’sgo.’

WedrovearoundtheWest

Endforseveralhours,

slowingtopeeratthegroups

ofcatcalling,staggeringgirls,

and,moresoberly,atthe

roughsleepers,thenparked

upandwalkedsidebyside

alongthedarkarchways

underbridges.Weputour

headsaroundthedoorsof

nightclubs,askingifanyone

hadseenthegirlinthe

photographsonmymobile

phone.Wewenttotheclub

whereshehadtakenme

dancing,andtoacouplemore

thatSamsaidwerenotorious

hauntsforunder-agedrinkers.

Wepassedbusstopsandfast-

foodjoints,andthefurther

wewentthemoreIthought

howridiculousitwastotryto

findheramongthethousands

millingaroundthehumming

streetsofcentralLondon.She

couldhavebeenanywhere.

Sheseemedtobe

everywhere.Itextedher

again,twice,totellherwe

wereurgentlylookingforher,

andwhenwegotbacktomy

flatSamrangvarious

hospitalsjusttobesureshe

hadn’tbeenadmitted.

Finallywesatonmylittle

sofaandatesometoast,he

mademeacupofteaandwe

satinsilenceforabit.

‘Ifeelliketheworstparent

intheworld.AndI’mnot

evenaparent.’

Heleanedforward,his

elbowsonhisknees.‘You

can’tblameyourself.’

‘Yes,Ican.Whatkindof

personturfsasixteen-year-

oldoutoftheirflatinthe

smallhourswithoutchecking

whereshe’sactuallygoing?’I

closedmyeyes.‘Imean,just

becauseshe’sdisappeared

beforedoesn’tmeanshe’llbe

okaynow,doesit?She’llbe

likeoneofthoseteenage

runawayswhodisappearand

nobodyeverhearsofthem

againuntilsomedogout

walkingdigsuptheirbonesin

thewoods.’

‘Louisa.’

‘Ishouldhavebeen

stronger.Ishouldhave

understoodherbetter.I

shouldhavethoughtharder

abouthowyoungsheis.Was.

Oh,God,ifsomething’s

happenedI’llneverforgive

myself.Andoutthereright

nowsomeinnocentdog-

walkerhasnoideathathe’s

abouttohavehisliferuined

–’

‘Louisa.’Samputhishand

onmyleg.‘Stop.You’re

goingroundincircles.

Irritatingassheis,it’s

entirelypossibleTanya

Houghton-Miller’srightand

Lilywillcoastinorringyour

bellinaboutthreehours’time

andwe’llallfeellikefools

andforgetwhat’shappened

untilitallstartsagain.’

‘Butwhywon’tsheanswer

herphone?Shemustknow

I’mworried.’

‘Perhapsthat’swhyshe’s

ignoringyou.’Hegavemea

wrylook.‘Shemaybe

enjoyingmakingyousweata

little.Look,there’snotmuch

morewecandotonight.And

I’vegottogo.Ihaveanearly

shift.’Heclearedawaythe

platesandputtheminthe

sink,leaningbackagainstthe

kitchencabinets.

‘Sorry,’Isaid.‘Notexactly

themostfunstarttoa

relationship.’

Heloweredhischin.‘This

isarelationshipnow?’

Ifeltmyselfcolour.‘Well,

Ididn’tmean–’

‘I’mkidding.’Hereached

outahandandpulledmeto

him.‘Iquiteenjoyyour

determinedattemptsto

convincemeyou’rebasically

justusingmeforsex.’

Hesmeltgood.Evenwhen

hesmeltfaintlyof

anaesthetic,hesmeltgood.

Hekissedthetopofmyhead.

‘We’llfindher,’hesaid,as

heleft.

Afterhe’dgone,Iclimbedup

ontotheroof.Isatinthe

dark,inhalingthescentofthe

jasmineshe’dtrainedupthe

edgeofthewatertank,and

ranmyhandsoftlyoverthe

tinypurpleheadsofthe

aubretiathattumbledoverthe

terracottaplanters.Ilooked

overtheparapet,scannedthe

winkingstreetsofthecityand

mylegsdidn’teventremble.I

textedheragain,thengot

readyforbed,feelingthe

silenceoftheflatclosein

aroundme.

Icheckedmyphoneforthe

millionthtime,andthenmy

email,justincase.Nothing.

Buttherewasonefrom

Nathan:

Congratulations!Oldman

Gopniktoldmethis

morninghe’sgoingtooffer

youthejob!SeeyouinNY,

mate!

C H A P T E R N I N E T E E N

Lily

Peteriswaitingagain.Outof

thewindow,sheseeshim

standingagainsthiscar.He

spotsher,gesturesupand

mouths,‘Youoweme.’

Lilyopensthewindow,

glancesacrosstheroadto

whereSamirisputtingouta

freshboxoforanges.‘Leave

mealone,Peter.’

‘Youknowwhat’llhappen

…’

‘I’vegivenyouenough.

Justleavemealone,okay?’

‘Badmove,Lily.’He

raisesaneyebrow.Hewaits

justlongenoughforherto

feeluncomfortable.Louwill

behomeinhalfanhour.He

hangsaroundsooftenshe’s

prettysureheknowsthis.

Eventuallyheclimbsback

intohiscar,andpullsout

ontothemainroadwithout

looking.Ashedrivesoffhe

holdshisphoneoutofthe

driver’swindow.Amessage:

Badmove,Lily.

Spinthebottle.Suchan

innocent-soundinggame.It

hadbeenherandfourgirls

fromherschoolandtheyhad

comeuptoLondononan

exeat.Theyhadstolen

lipsticksfromBootsand

boughttoo-shortskirtsinTop

Shopandgotintonightclubs

forfreebecausetheywere

youngandcuteanddoormen

didn’tasktoomanyquestions

iftherewerefiveofyouand

youwereyoungandcute,and

inside,overrumandCokes,

theyhadmetPeterandhis

friends.

Theyhadendedupin

someone’sflatinMarylebone

attwoa.m.Shecouldn’t

entirelyrememberhowthey

hadgotthere.Everyonewas

sittinginacircle,smoking

anddrinking.Shehadsaid

yestoeverythingthatwas

offeredher.Rihannaonthe

musicsystem.Ablue

beanbagthatsmeltof

Febreze.Nicolehadbeenill

inthebathroom,theidiot.

Timehadslipped;twothirty,

threeseventeen,four…She

losttrack.Thensomeonehad

suggestedTruthorDare.

Thebottlespun,careered

intoanashtray,tippingbutts

andashontothecarpet.

Someone’struth,thegirlshe

didn’tknow:onholidaythe

previousyearshehad

engagedinphonesexwith

herex-boyfriendwhileher

grandmothersleptinthetwin

bedbesideher.Theothers

reeledinfakehorror.Lilyhad

laughed.

‘Niche,’saidsomeone.

Peterhadwatchedherthe

wholetime.Shehadbeen

flatteredatfirst:hewasthe

best-lookingboythereby

miles.Aman,even.Whenhe

lookedathersherefusedto

drophereyes.Shewasn’t

goingtobeliketheother

girls.

‘Spin!’

Shehadshruggedwhenit

pointedtoher.‘Dare,’she

hadsaid.‘Alwaysdare.’

‘Lilyneversaysnoto

anything,’saidJemima.Now

shewonderswhetherthere

wassomethinginthewayshe

hadlookedatPeterwhenshe

saidit.

‘Okay.Youknowwhat

thatmeans.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Youcan’tdothat!’Pippa

washoldingherhandstoher

faceinthewayshedidwhen

shewasbeingdramatic.

‘Truth,then.’

‘Nah.Ihatetruth.’So

what?Sheknewtheseboys

wouldbechicken.Shestood,

nonchalantly.‘Where.Here?’

‘Oh,myGod,Lily.’

‘Spinthebottle,’saidone

oftheboys.

Ithadn’toccurredtoherto

benervous.Shewasabit

woozyand,anyway,shequite

likedstandingthere,

unbothered,whiletheother

girlsclappedandsquealed

andactedlikeidiots.They

weresuchfakes.Thesame

girlswhowouldwhack

anyoneonthehockeypitch

andtalkaboutpoliticsand

whatcareersinlawand

marinebiologytheywere

aimingforbecamestupidand

gigglyandgirlyinthe

presenceofboys,flicking

theirhairanddoingtheir

lipstick,liketheyhad

spontaneouslyfilletedoutthe

interestingpartsof

themselves.

‘Peter…’

‘Oh,myGod.Pete,mate.

It’syou.’

Theboys,allcatcallingand

crowingtohidetheir

disappointment,orperhaps

relief,thatitwasn’tthem.

Peter,climbingtohisfeet,his

narrowcat’seyesmeeting

hers.Differentfromthe

others:hisaccentspokeof

somewheretougher.

‘Here?’

Sheshrugged.‘Idon’t

mind.’

‘Nextdoor.’Hegestured

towardsthebedroom.

Shesteppedneatlyoverthe

girls’legsastheywalked

throughtothenextroom.

Oneofthegirlsgrabbedat

herankle,tellinghernotto,

andsheshookheroff.She

walkedwithafaintswagger,

feelingtheireyesonheras

sheleft.Dare.Alwaysdare.

Peterclosedthedoor

behindhimandsheglanced

aroundher.Thebedwas

rumpled,ahorridpatterned

duvetthatyoucouldtellfrom

fiveyardshadn’tbeen

washedinages,andlefta

faintmustytraceinthe

atmosphere.Therewasapile

ofdirtylaundryinthecorner,

afullashtraybythebed.The

roomfellsilent,thevoices

outsidetemporarilystilled.

Sheliftedherchin.Pushed

herhairbackfromherface.

‘Youreallywanttodothis?’

shesaid.

Hesmiledthen,aslow,

mockingsmile.‘Iknewyou’d

backout.’

‘WhosaysI’mbacking

out?’

Butshedidn’twanttodo

it.Shedidn’tseehis

handsomefeaturesanymore,

justthecoldglitterinhis

eyes,theunpleasanttwistto

hismouth.Heputhishands

onhiszipper.

Theystoodtherefora

minute.

‘It’sfineifyoudon’twant

todoit.We’llgooutsideand

sayyou’rechicken.’

‘IneversaidIwouldn’tdo

it.’

‘Sowhatareyousaying?’

Shecan’tthink.Alow

buzzinghasstartedupinthe

backofherhead.Shewishes

shehadn’tcomeinhere.

Hestiflesatheatrical

yawn.‘Gettingbored,Lily.’

Afranticknockingonthe

door.Jemima’svoice.‘Lily–

youdon’thavetodoit.

C’mon.Wecangohome

now.’

‘Youdon’thavetodoit,

Lily.’Hisvoiceisan

imitation,mocking.

Acalculation.What’sthe

worstthatwillhappen–two

minutes,atworst?Two

minutesoutofherlife.She

willnotbeachicken.She

willshowhim.Shewillshow

themall.

Heisholdingabottleof

JackDaniel’slooselyinone

hand.Shetakesitfromhim,

opensitandswigsfromit

twice,hereyeslockedonhis.

Thenshehandsitbackand

reachesforhisbelt.

Picturesoritdidn’thappen.

Shehearstheboy’s

catcallingvoicethroughthe

thumpinginherears,through

thepaininherscalpashe

gripsherhairtootight.Itis

toolate,bythen.Waytoo

late.

Shehearsthecamera-

phoneclickjustasshelooks

up.

Onepairofearrings.Fifty

poundsincash.Onehundred.

Weekslaterandthedemands

keepcoming.Hesendsher

texts:Iwonderwhatwould

happenifIputthison

Facebook?

Shewantstocrywhenshe

seesthepicture.Hesendsit

toheragainandagain:her

face,hereyesbloodshot,

smudgedwithmascara.That

thinginhermouth.When

Louisacomeshomeshehas

tostuffthephoneunderthe

sofacushions.Ithasbecome

radioactive,atoxicthingshe

hastokeepclose.

Iwonderwhatyourfriends

wouldthink.

Theothergirlsdon’ttalkto

herafterwards.Theyknow

whatshedidbecausePeter

flashedthepictureto

everyoneassoonasthey

walkedbackintotheparty,

ostentatiouslyadjustinghis

zipper,longafterhehadto.

Shehadtopretendshedidn’t

care.Thegirlsstaredather

andthenlookedawayandshe

hadknownassoonastheir

eyesmethersthattheirtales

ofBJsandsexwithunseen

boyfriendshadbeenfiction.

Theywerefakes.Theyhad

liedabouteverything.

Nobodythoughtshewas

brave.Nobodyadmiredher

fornotbeingchicken.She

wasjustLily,theslag,agirl

withacockinhermouth.It

madeherstomachgointo

knotseventothinkaboutit.

ShehadswiggedmoreJack

Daniel’sandtoldthemallto

gotohell.

MeetmeatMcDonald’s

TottenhamCourtRoad.

Bythenhermotherhad

changedthelockstoher

house.Shecouldn’ttake

moneyfromherpurseany

more.Theyhadblockedher

accesstohersavingsaccount.

Ihaven’tgotanythingelse.

DoyouthinkI’mamug,

LittleRichGirl?

Hermotherhadneverliked

theMappin&Webbearrings.

Lilyhadhopedshewouldn’t

evennoticetheyweregone.

Shehadmadefakecooing

facesatFuckfaceFrancis

whenhegavethemtoher,but

shehadmutteredafterwards

thatshereallydidn’t

understandwhyhe’dbought

herheart-shapeddiamonds

wheneverybodyknewthey

werecommon,andapendant

shapewasfarbetteragainst

herbonestructure.

Peterhadlookedatthe

glitteringearringsasifshe

hadhandedhimsmall

change,thentuckedtheminto

hispocket.Hehadbeen

eatingaBigMacandthere

wasmayonnaiseinthecorner

ofhismouth.Shefelt

nauseouseverytimeshesaw

him.

‘Wanttocomeandmeet

mymates?’

‘No.’

‘Wantadrink?’

Sheshookherhead.

‘That’sit.That’sthelast

thing.Thoseearringsare

worththousands.’

Hehadpulledaface.‘I

wantcashnexttime.Proper

cash.Iknowwhereyoulive,

Lily.Iknowyougotit.’

Shefeltasifshewould

neverbefreeofhim.He

textedheratoddhours,

wakingherup,keepingher

fromsleep.Thatpicture,

againandagain.Shesawitin

negative,burnedontoher

retinas.Shestoppedgoingto

school.Shegotdrunkwith

strangers,wentoutclubbing

longaftershereallywanted

to.Anythingnottobealone

withherthoughtsandthe

relentlesspingofherphone.

Shehadmovedtowherehe

couldn’tfindherandhehad

foundher,parkinghiscarfor

hoursoutsideLouisa’sflat,a

silentmessage.Sheeven

thought,afewtimes,about

tellingLouisa.Butwhat

couldLouisado?Halfthe

timeshewaslikeaone-

womandisasterareaherself.

SoLily’smouthwouldopen

andnothingwouldcomeout,

thenLouisawouldstart

rattlingonaboutmeetingher

grandmotherorwhethershe

hadeatensomethingandshe

hadrealizedshewasonher

own.

SometimesLilylayawake

andthoughtaboutwhatit

wouldhavebeenlikeifher

dadhadbeenthere.Shecould

picturehiminherhead.He

wouldhavewalkedoutside,

grabbedPeterbyhisneckand

toldhimnevertocomenear

hislittlegirlagain.Hewould

haveputhisarmsaroundher

andtoldheritwasallokay,

thatshewassafe.

Excepthewouldn’t.

Becausehewasjustanangry

quadriplegicwhohadn’teven

wantedtobealive.Andhe

wouldhavelookedatthe

picturesandbeendisgusted.

Shecouldn’tblamehim.

Thelasttime,whenshe’d

hadnothingtobringhim,he

hadshoutedatherona

pavementbehindCarnaby

Street,callingherworthless,

awhore,astupidlittleskank.

Hehadpulledupinhiscar

andshehaddrunktwodouble

whiskiesbecauseshewas

afraidtoseehim.Whenhe’d

startedshoutingatherand

sayingshewaslying,shehad

startedtocry.

‘Louisa’schuckedmeout.

Mymum’schuckedmeout.I

don’thaveanything.’

Peoplehurriedpast,their

eyesaverted.Nobody

stopped.Nobodysaid

anything,becauseaman

shoutingatadrunkgirlin

SohoonaFridaynightwas

nothingoutoftheordinary.

Peterswore,andturnedon

hisheel,asifhewasleaving,

exceptsheknewhewouldn’t.

Andthenthebigblackcar

hadstoppedinthemiddleof

thestreetandreversed,its

whitelightsglowing.The

electricwindowhummedits

waydown.‘Lily?’

Ittookherafewsecondsto

recognizehim.MrGarside

fromherstepfather’s

business.Hisboss?A

partner?Helookedather,

andthenatPeter.‘Areyouall

right?’

SheglancedatPeter,then

nodded.

Hedidn’tbelieveher.She

couldtell.Hehadpulledover

tothesideoftheroad,in

frontofPeter’scar,and

walkedacrossslowlyinhis

darksuit.Hehadanairof

authority,likenothingwas

goingtofazehim.She

remembered,randomly,her

mothertalkingabouthim

havingahelicopter.‘Doyou

needaridehome,Lily?’

Peterliftedhishandwith

thephoneinit,justaninch.

Justsosheknew.Andshe

openedhermouthanditcame

out.‘Hehasabadpictureof

meonhisphoneandhe’s

threateningtoshowitto

everyoneandhewants

moneyandIdon’thaveany

left.I’vegivenhimwhatI

canandIjustdon’thave

anythingleft.Pleasehelp

me.’

Peter’seyeswidened.He

hadn’texpectedthat.Butshe

didn’tcarewhathappened.

Shejustfeltdesperate,and

tired,andshedidn’twantto

carryallthisbyherselfany

more.

MrGarsideregardedPeter

foramoment.Peterstiffened

hisshouldersand

straightened,asifhewere

consideringwhethertorun

forhiscar.

‘Isthistrue?’MrGarside

said.

‘It’snotacrimetohave

picturesofgirlsonyour

phone.’Petersmirked,anact

ofbravado.

‘I’mwellawareofthat.It

is,however,acrimetouse

themtoextortmoney.’Mr

Garside’svoicewaslowand

calm,asifitwereperfectly

reasonabletobediscussing

someone’snakedpicturesin

themiddleofthestreet.He

movedhishandtohisinside

pocket.‘Sowhatwillittake

tomakeyougoaway?’

‘What?’

‘Yourphone.Howmuch

doyouwantforit?’

Lily’sbreathstoppedinher

throat.Shelookedfromone

mantotheother.Peterwas

staringathimindisbelief.

‘I’mofferingyoucashfor

thephone.Onthebasisthat

thisistheonlycopyofthat

photograph.’

‘I’mnotsellingmyphone.’

‘ThenIhavetoadviseyou,

youngman,thatI’llbe

contactingthepoliceand

identifyingyouthroughyour

carregistration.AndIhavea

lotoffriendsinthepolice

force.Quitehigh-upfriends.’

Hesmiledasmilethatwasn’t

reallyasmileatall.

Acrosstheroadabunchof

peoplespilledoutofa

restaurant,laughing.Peter

lookedatherandbackatMr

Garside.Heliftedhischin.

‘Fivegrand.’

MrGarsidereachedinto

hisinsidepocket.Heshook

hishead.‘Idon’tthinkso.’

Hepulledouthiswalletand

countedoutabundleofnotes.

‘Ithinkthiswilldo.Itsounds

asthoughyou’vealready

beenamplyrewarded.The

phone,please?’

ItwasasifPeterhadbeen

hypnotised.Hehesitatedfor

justamoment,thenhanded

MrGarsidehisphone.Just

likethat.MrGarsidechecked

thattheSIMcardwasinit,

tuckeditintohisinside

pocket,andopenedthecar

doorforLily.‘Ithinkit’s

timeforyoutoleave,Lily.’

Sheclimbedin,likean

obedientchild,hearingthe

solidthunkofthecardooras

itclosedbehindher.Andthen

theywereoff,gliding

smoothlydownthenarrow

street,leavingPetershell-

shocked–shecouldseehim

inthewingmirror–asifhe,

too,couldn’tbelievewhat

hadjusthappened.

‘Areyouallright?’Mr

Garsidedidn’tlookatheras

hespoke.

‘Is…isthatit?’

Heglancedsideways,then

backattheroad.‘Ithinkso,

yes.’

Shecouldn’tbelieveit.She

couldn’tbelievethethingthat

hadhungoverherforweeks

couldbefixedjustlikethat.

Sheturnedtohim,suddenly

anxious.‘Pleasedon’ttellmy

mumandFrancis.’

Hefrownedslightly.‘If

that’swhatyouwant.’

Sheletoutalong,silent

breath.‘Thankyou,’shesaid

quietly.

Hepattedherknee.‘Nasty

lad.Youneedtobecareful

withyourfriends,Lily.’He

movedhishandbackontothe

automaticgearstickbefore

shehadevenregisteredits

presence.

Hehadn’tbattedaneyelid

whenshehadtoldhimshe

hadnowheretostay.Hehad

drivenhertoahotelin

Bayswaterandspokenquietly

tothereceptionist,whohad

handedheraroomkey.She

wasrelievedhehadn’t

suggestedtakinghertohis

house:shedidn’twantto

explainherselftoanyone

else.

‘I’llpickyouuptomorrow

whenyou’resober,’hesaid,

tuckinghiswalletintohis

jacketpocket.

Shehadwalkedheavilyup

toRoom311,laindownon

thebedfullyclothedandslept

forfourteenhours.

Hecalledtosayhewould

meetherforbreakfast.She

showered,tooksomeclothes

outofherrucksackandran

anironovertheminthehope

thatshelookedalittlemore

presentable.Shewasnot

goodatironing–Lenahad

donethatsortofthing.

Whenshecamedownstairs

totherestauranthewas

alreadysittingthere,reading

apaper,ahalf-drunkcupof

coffeeinfrontofhim.Hewas

olderthansheremembered,

hishairthinningontop,a

faintcrêpinesstotheskinof

hisneck;thelasttimeshehad

seenhimhadbeenata

companyeventattheraces

whereFrancishaddrunktoo

muchandhermotherhad

hissedathimfuriously

whenevernobodyelsewas

about,andMrGarside,

catchingit,hadraisedhis

eyebrowsatLily,asiftosay,

‘Parents,eh?’

Sheslidintothechair

oppositehimandhelowered

hisnewspaper.‘Aha.How

areyoutoday?’

Shefeltembarrassed,asif

lastnightshehadbeenoverly

histrionic.Asifithadall

beenafussovernothing.

‘Muchbetter,thankyou.’

‘Didyousleepwell?’

‘Verywell,thankyou.’

Hehadstudiedherfora

minuteoverhisglasses.

‘Veryformal.’

Shesmiled.Shedidn’t

knowwhatelsetodo.Itwas

tooweird,beingtherewith

herstepdad’sworkcolleague.

Thewaitressofferedher

coffeeandshedrankit.She

eyedthebreakfastbuffet,

wonderingifshewas

expectedtopay.Heseemed

tosenseherdiscomfort.‘Eat

something.Don’tworry.It’s

paidfor.’Heturnedbackto

hispaper.

Shewonderedwhetherhe

wouldtellherparents.She

wonderedwhathehaddone

withPeter’sphone.She

hopedhehadslowedhisbig

blackcarontheThames

embankment,loweredhis

windowandhurleditintothe

swirlingcurrentsbelow.She

wantednevertoseethat

pictureagain.Sheroseand

fetchedacroissantwithsome

fruitfromthebuffet.Shewas

starving.

Hesatreadingassheate.

Shewonderedhowthey

lookedfromoutside–like

anyfatheranddaughter

probably.Shewondered

whetherhehadchildren.

‘Don’tyouhavetobeat

work?’

Hesmiled,acceptedmore

coffeefromthewaitress.‘I

toldthemIhadanimportant

meeting.’Hefoldedhis

newspaperneatlyandputit

down.

Sheshifteduncomfortably

inherseat.‘Ineedtogeta

job.’

‘Ajob.’Hesatback.

‘Well.Whatkindofjob?’

‘Idon’tknow.Ikindof

messedupmyexams.’

‘Andwhatdoyourparents

think?’

‘Theydon’t…Ican’t…

They’renotveryhappywith

merightnow.I’vebeen

stayingwithfriends.’

‘Youcan’tgobackthere?’

‘Notrightnow.Myfriend

isn’tveryhappywithme

either.’

‘Oh,Lily,’hesaid,and

sighed.Helookedoutofthe

window,considering

somethingforaminute,then

glancedathisexpensive

watch.Hethoughtforanother

moment,thencalledhis

officeandtoldsomeonehe

wasgoingtobelateback

fromhismeeting.

Shewaitedtohearwhathe

hadtosaynext.

‘Youfinished?’Heputhis

newspaperintohisbriefcase,

andstoodup.‘Let’sgoand

makeaplan.’

Shehadnotbeenexpecting

himtocometotheroomand

wasembarrassedbythestate

ofit:thedamptowelslefton

thefloor,thetelevision

blaringtrashydaytime

programmes.Shedumpedthe

worstofitinthebathroom

andshovedwhatwasleftof

herbelongingshastilyinto

herrucksack.Hepretended

nottonotice,justgazedout

ofthewindow,thenturned

backwhenshesatonthe

chair,asifhehadonlyjust

seentheroom.

‘It’snotabadhotel,this,’

hesaid.‘Iusedtostayhere

whenIcouldn’tfacethedrive

toWinchester.’

‘Isthatwhereyoulive?’

‘It’swheremywifelives,

yes.Mychildrenarelong

grown-up.’Heputhis

briefcaseonthefloorandsat

ontheedgeofthebed.She

gotupandfetchedthe

complimentarynotepadfrom

thebedsidetable,incaseshe

neededtotakenotes.Her

phoneletoutachimeandshe

glanceddown.Lilyjustcall

me.Louisax

Sheshoveditintoherback

pocketandsatdown,the

notepadonherlap.

‘Sowhatdoyouthink?’

‘Thatyou’reinatricky

position,Lily.You’reabit

youngtobegettingajob,to

befrank.I’mnotsurewho

wouldhireyou.’

‘I’mgoodatstuff,though.

I’mahardworker.Ican

garden.’

‘Garden!Well,perhaps

youcouldgetwork

gardening.Whetherthat’s

goingtobringinenoughfor

youtosupportyourselfis

anothermatter.Haveyougot

anyreferences?Anyholiday

jobs?’

‘No.Myparentsalways

gavemeanallowance.’

‘Mm.’Hetappedhishands

onhisknees.‘You’vehada

difficultrelationshipwith

yourfather,haven’tyou?’

‘Francisisn’tmyreal

father.’

‘Yes.I’mawareofthat.I

knowyoulefthomesome

weeksago.Itallseemslikea

verysadsituation.Verysad.

Youmustfeelrather

isolated.’

Shefeltthelumpswellin

herthroatandthoughtfora

momentthathewasreaching

forahandkerchief,butitwas

thenthathereachedintohis

jacketpocketandpulledouta

phone.Peter’sphone.He

tappedit,once,twice,andshe

sawaflashofherownimage.

Herbreathingstalledinher

chest.

Heclickedonit,makingit

bigger.Hercheeksflooded

withcolour.Hestaredatthe

photographforwhatfeltlike

severalyears.‘Youreally

havebeenquiteabadgirl,

haven’tyou?’

Lily’sfingersclosedina

fistaroundthehotel

bedspread.Shelookedupat

MrGarside,hercheeks

burning.Hiseyesdidn’tleave

thepicture.

‘Averybadgirl.’

Eventuallyhelookedupat

her,hisgazeeven,hisvoice

soft.‘Isupposethefirstthing

weneedtodoisworkout

howyoucanrepaymeforthe

phoneandthehotelroom.’

‘But,’shebegan,‘you

didn’tsay–’

‘Oh,comeon,Lily.Alive-

wirelikeyou?Youmust

knowthatnothingcomesfor

free.’Helookeddownatthe

image.‘Youmusthave

workedthatoutawhileago

…You’reobviouslygoodat

it.’

Lily’sbreakfastroseinto

herthroat.

‘Yousee,Icouldbevery

helpfultoyou.Giveyou

somewheretostayuntil

you’rebackonyourfeet,a

littlelegupthecareerladder.

Youwouldn’tneedtodovery

muchinreturn.Quidproquo

–youknowthatphrase?You

didLatinatyourschool,

didn’tyou?’

Shestoodabruptlyand

reachedforherrucksack.His

handshotoutandtookhold

ofherarm.Withhisfreehand

hetuckedthephoneslowly

backintohispocket.‘Let’s

notbehastyaboutthis,Lily.

Wewouldn’twantmetohave

toshowthislittlepictureto

yourparents,wouldwe?

Goodnessknowswhatthey

wouldthinkaboutwhat

you’vebeenupto.’

Herwordsstuckinher

throat.

Hepattedthebedspread

besidehim.‘Iwouldthink

verycarefullyaboutyour

nextmove.Now.Whydon’t

we–’

Lily’sarmflewback,

shakinghimoff.Andthen

shewaswrenchingthehotel-

roomdooropenandshewas

gone,feetpumping,racing

downthehotelcorridor,her

bagflyingoutbehindher.

Londonteemedwithlifeinto

thesmallhours.Shewalked

whilecarsnudgednightbuses

impatientlyalongmainroads,

minicabswoveinandoutof

traffic,meninsuitsmade

theirwayhomeorsatin

glowingofficecubicles

halfwaytothesky,ignoring

thecleanerswhoworked

silentlyaroundthem.She

walkedwithherheadlowand

herrucksackonhershoulder,

andwhensheateinlate-night

burgerrestaurants,shemade

sureherhoodwasupandthat

shehadafreenewspaperto

pretendtoread:therewas

alwayssomeonewhowould

sitdownatyourtableandtry

togetyoutotalk.Comeon,

darling,I’monlybeing

friendly.

Allthewhileshereplayed

thatmorning’seventsinher

head.Whathadshedone?

Whatsignalhadshesent?

Wastheresomethingabout

herthatmeanteveryone

assumedshewasawhore?

Thewordshehadusedmade

herwanttocry.Shefelt

herselfshrinkintoherhood,

hatinghim.Hatingherself.

Sheusedherstudentcard

androdeonunderground

trainsuntiltheatmosphere

becamedrunkandfebrile.

Thenitfeltsafertostay

aboveground.Therestofthe

timeshewalked–throughthe

glitteringneonlightsof

Piccadilly,downthelead-

dustedlengthofMarylebone

Road,aroundthepulsinglate-

nightbarsofCamden,her

stridelong,pretendingshe

hadsomewheretobe,only

slowingwhenherfeetbegan

toachefromtheunforgiving

pavement.

Whenshegottootiredshe

beggedfavours.Shespent

onenightatherfriendNina’s,

butNinaaskedtoomany

questionsandthesoundof

herchattingdownstairstoher

parentswhileLilylay,

soakingthegrimeoutofher

hairinthebath,madeherfeel

liketheloneliestpersonon

earth.Sheleftafterbreakfast,

eventhoughNina’smumsaid

shewaswelcometostay

anothernight,gazingather

withconcernedmaternal

eyes.Shespenttwonightson

thesofaofagirlshehadmet

whileclubbing,butthere

werethreemensharingthe

flat,andshedidn’tfeel

relaxedenoughtosleepand

satfullyclothed,huggingher

knees,watchingtelevision

withthesoundturnedoff

untildawn.Shespentone

nightataSalvationArmy

hostel,listeningtotwogirls

argueinthenext-door

cubicle,herbagclutchedto

herchestundertheblanket.

Theysaidshecouldhavea

shower,butshedidn’tliketo

leaveherbaginthelockers

whileshegotwet.Shedrank

thefreesoupandleft.But

mostlyshewalked,spending

thelastofhercashoncheap

coffeeandEggMcMuffins

andgrowingmoreandmore

tiredandhungryuntilitwas

hardtothinkstraight,hardto

reactquicklywhenthemenin

doorwayssaiddisgusting

thingsorthestaffinthecafé

toldhershe’dmadethatone

cupoftealastlongenough,

younglady,anditwastimeto

moveon.

Andallthewhileshe

wonderedwhatherparents

weresayingatthatmoment,

andwhatMrGarsidewould

sayaboutherwhenhe

showedthemthepictures.

Shecouldseehermother’s

shockedface,Francis’sslow

shakeofthehead,asifthis

newLilywasofnosurprise

tohimwhatsoever.

Shehadbeensostupid.

Sheshouldhavestolenthe

phone.

Sheshouldhavestamped

onit.

Sheshouldhavestamped

onhim.

Sheshouldn’thavegoneto

thatboy’sstupidflatand

behavedlikeastupididiot

andbrokenherownstupid

life,andthatwasusuallythe

pointatwhichshewouldstart

cryingagainandpullher

hoodfurtheruparoundher

faceand–

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y

‘She’swhat?’

InMrsTraynor’ssilenceI

hearddisbelief,andperhaps

(maybeIwasbeing

oversensitive)afaintechoof

thelastthingofhersIhad

failedtokeepsafe.

‘Andyou’vetriedtocall?’

‘She’snotpickingup.’

‘Andshehasn’tbeenin

touchwithherparents?’

Iclosedmyeyes.Ihad

beendreadingthis

conversation.‘She’sdonethis

before,apparently.Mrs

Houghton-Milleris

convincedLilywillturnup

anyminute.’

MrsTraynordigestedthis.

‘Butyouaren’t.’

‘Something’snotright,

MrsTraynor.IknowI’mnot

aparent,butIjust…’My

wordstailedaway.‘Anyway.

I’dratherbedoingsomething

thannothing,soI’mgoingto

getbackoutwalkingthe

streetstofindher.Ijust

wantedyoutoknowthetruth

aboutwhatwasgoingon.’

MrsTraynorwassilentfor

amoment.Andthenshesaid,

hervoicemeasuredbutoddly

determined,‘Louisa,before

yougo,wouldyoumind

givingmeMrsHoughton-

Miller’stelephonenumber?’

Icalledinsick,noting

fleetinglythatRichard

Percival’scold‘Isee,’was

actuallymoreominousthan

hispreviousblustering

protests.Iprintedoff

photographs–oneofLily’s

Facebookprofile

photographs,andoneofthe

selfiesshe’dtakenofthetwo

ofus.Ispentthemorning

drivingaroundcentral

London.Iparkedonkerbs,

leavingthehazardlights

flashing,asInippedinto

pubs,fast-foodjoints,

nightclubswherethe

cleaners,workinginthestale,

dimair,peeredupatmewith

suspiciouseyes.

–Haveyouseenthisgirl?

–Whowantstoknow?

–Haveyouseenthisgirl?

–Areyoupolice?Idon’t

wantnotrouble.

Somepeopleevidently

thoughtitamusingtostring

mealongforabit–Oh,that

girl!Brownhair?Yeah,what

washername?…Nah.Never

seenherbefore.Nobody

seemedtohaveseenher.And

thefurtherItravelled,the

morehopelessitfelt.What

betterplacetodisappearthan

London?Ateeming

metropoliswhereyoucould

slideintoamilliondoorways,

minglewithcrowdsthat

neverended.Iwouldgazeup

atthetowerblocksand

wonderwhetherevennow

shewaslyingonsomeone’s

sofainherpyjamas.Lily

pickeduppeoplewithease,

andhadnofearofaskingfor

anything–shecouldbewith

anyone.

Andyet.

Iwasn’tentirelysurewhat

drovemetokeepgoing.

Perhapsitwasmycoldfury

atTanyaHoughton-Miller’s

semi-detachedparenting;

perhapsitwasmyguiltat

havingfailedtodothethingI

wascriticizingTanyafornot

doing.Perhapsitwasjustthat

Iknewonlytoowellhow

vulnerableayounggirlcould

be.

Mostly,though,itwas

Will.Iwalkedanddroveand

questionedandwalkedand

heldendlessinternal

conversationswithhimasmy

hipbegantoache,andI

pausedinmycar,chewing

stalesandwichesandgarage

chocolateandchokingdown

painkillerstokeepmegoing.

Wherewouldshego,Will?

Whatwouldyoudo?

And–yetagain–I’m

sorry.Iletyoudown.

Anynews?ItextedSam.It

feltoddspeakingtohim

whilehavingconcurrent

conversationswithWillin

myhead,astrangeinfidelity.

Ijustwasn’tquitesurewhoI

wasbeingunfaithfulto.

Nope.I’vecalledeveryER

departmentinLondon.How

aboutyou?

Bittired.

Hip?

Nothingchewingafew

Nurofenwon’tfix.

Wantmetostopbyafter

myshift?

IthinkIjustneedtokeep

looking.

Don’tgoanywhereI

wouldn’tgox

Veryfunnyxxx

‘Didyoutrythehospitals?’

Mysistercalledfromcollege,

inherfifteen-minutebreak

betweenHMRC:the

ChangingFaceofRevenue

Collection,andVAT:A

EuropeanPerspective.

‘Samsaysthere’snobody

withhernamehasbeen

admittedtoanyofthe

teachinghospitals.He’sgot

peopleeverywherelooking

outforher.’Iglancedbehind

measIspoke,asifeventhen

IhalfexpectedtoseeLily

walkingoutofthecrowds

towardsme.

‘Howlonghaveyoubeen

looking?’

‘Afewdays.’Ididn’ttell

herI’dbarelyslept.‘I–er–

tooktimeoffwork.’

‘Iknewit!Iknewshewas

goingtobetrouble.Didyour

bossmindyoutakingtime

off?Whathappenedabout

thatotherjob,bytheway?

TheoneinNewYork?Did

youdotheinterview?Please

don’tsayyouforgot.’

Ittookmeaminuteto

workoutwhatshewas

referringto.‘Oh.That.Yeah

–Igotit.’

‘Youwhat?’

‘Nathansaidthey’regoing

toofferittome.’

Westminsterwasfilling

withtourists,lingeringat

gaudystallsofUnionJack

tat,theirmobilephonesand

expensivecamerasheldaloft

tocapturethelooming

HousesofParliament.I

watchedatrafficwarden

walkingtowardsmeand

wonderedifsomeanti-

terrorismlegislation

preventedmeparkingwhere

I’dstopped.Iheldupahand,

indicatingthatIwasaboutto

leave.

Therewasashortsilenceat

theotherendofthephone.

‘Hangon–you’renot

sayingyou–’

‘Ican’teventhinkaboutit

rightnow,Treen.Lily’s

missing.Ineedtofindher.’

‘Louisa?Youlistena

minute.Youhavetotakethis

job.’

‘What?’

‘Thisistheopportunityof

alifetime.Ifyouhadthe

faintestcluewhatIwould

giveforachancetomoveto

NewYork…with

guaranteedemployment?A

placetolive?Andyou“can’t

thinkaboutitrightnow”?’

‘It’snotassimpleasthat.’

Thetrafficwardenwas

definitelywalkingtowards

me.

‘Oh,myGod.Thisisit.

ThisisthethingIwastrying

totalktoyouabout.Every

timeyougetachanceto

moveforward,youjusthijack

yourownfuture.It’slike–

it’slikeyoudon’tactually

wantto.’

‘Lilyismissing,Treen.’

‘Asixteen-year-oldgirl

youbarelyknow,withtwo

parentsandatleasttwo

grandparents,hasbuggered

offforafewdayslikeshe’s

donebefore.Liketeenagers

sometimesdo.Andyou’re

goingtousethistothrow

awaythegreatestopportunity

you’reeverlikelytobe

given?Jeez.Youdon’teven

reallywanttogo,doyou?’

‘Whatthehellisthat

supposedtomean?’

‘Fareasierforyoutojust

stickwiththatdepressing

littlejobandcomplainabout

it.Fareasierforyoutosit

tightandnottakeariskand

makeoutthateverythingthat

happenstoyouissomething

youcouldn’thelp.’

‘Ican’tjustupandleave

whilethisisgoingon.’

‘You’reinchargeofyour

ownlife,Lou.Andyetyou

actlikeyou’repermanently

buffetedbyeventsoutside

yourcontrol.Whatisthis–

guilt?Isitthatyoufeelyou

oweWillsomething?Isit

somekindofpenance?

Givingupyourlifebecause

youcouldn’tsavehis?’

‘Youdon’tunderstand.’

‘No.Iunderstandperfectly.

Iunderstandyoubetterthan

youunderstandyourself.His

daughterisnotyour

responsibility.Doyouhear

me?Noneofthisisyour

responsibility.Andifyou

don’tgotoNewYork–an

opportunityIcan’teventalk

aboutbecauseitmakesme

wanttoactuallykillyou–I’ll

nevertalktoyouagain.

Ever.’

Thetrafficwardenwasat

mywindow.Iwounditdown,

pullingtheuniversalfaceyou

makewhenyoursisteris

goingoffononeattheother

endofyourphoneandyou’re

reallysorrybutyoucan’tcut

hershort.Hetappedhis

watchandInodded,

reassuringly.

‘That’sit,Lou.Think

aboutit.Lilyisnotyour

daughter.’

Iwasleftstaringatmy

phone.Ithankedthetraffic

warden,thenwoundupmy

window.Andaphrase

poppedintomyhead:I’mnot

hisdaughter.

Idrovearoundthecorner,

pulledupbesideapetrol

stationandrifledthroughthe

batteredoldA–Zthatlivedin

thefootwellofmycar,trying

torememberthenameofthe

roadLilyhadmentioned.

Pyemore,Pyecrust,Pyecroft.

ItracedthedistancetoSt

John’sWoodwithmyfinger

–wouldthattakefifteen

minutestowalk?Ithadtobe

thesameplace.

Iusedmyphoneand

lookeduphissurnamealong

withthestreetname,and

thereitwas.Numberfifty-

six.Myguttightenedwith

excitement.Istartedthe

ignition,wrenchedthecar

intogearandheadedoutonto

theroadagain.

Althoughseparatedbyless

thanamile,thedifference

betweenLily’smother’s

houseandherformer

stepfather’scouldnothave

beenmorepronounced.

WheretheHoughton-Millers’

streetwasuniformlygrand

whitestuccoorred-brick

houses,punctuatedbyyew

topiaryandlargecarsthat

seeminglynevergotdirty,

MartinSteele’sroadappeared

resolutelyun-gentrified,a

two-storeycornerofLondon

wherehousepriceswere

spirallingbuttheexteriors

resolutelyrefusedtoreflectit.

Idroveslowly,pastcars

undercanvasandan

overturnedwheelie-bin,and

finallyfoundaparkingspace

nearasmallVictorian

terracedhouseofthekind

thatexistedinidentikitlines

alloverLondon.Igazedatit,

notingthepeelingpaintwork

onthefrontdoor,thechild’s

watering-canonthefront

step.Pleaseletherbehere,I

prayed.Safewithinthose

walls.

Iclimbedoutofthecar,

lockedit,andwalkedupto

thefrontstep.

InsideIcouldhearapiano,

afracturedchordbeing

repeatedagainandagain,

muffledvoices.Ihesitated,

justamoment,andthenI

pressedthedoorbell,hearing

thesuddenansweringstopto

themusic.

Footstepsinthecorridor,

andthenthedooropened.A

forty-somethingman,

lumberjackshirt,jeansand

day-oldstubble,stoodthere.

‘Yes?’

‘Iwondered…isLilyhere

please?’

‘Lily?’

Ismiled,heldoutahand.

‘YouareMartinSteele,yes?’

Hestudiedmebriefly

beforeheanswered.‘Imight

be.Andwhoareyou?’

‘I’mafriendofLily’s.I–

I’vebeentryingtogetin

contactwithherandI

understandthatshemightbe

stayinghere.Orthatperhaps

youmightknowwhereshe

is.’

Hefrowned.‘Lily?Lily

Miller?’

‘Well.Yes.’

Herubbedhishandagainst

hisjaw,andglancedbehind

himtowardsthehall.‘Could

youwaitthereamoment,

please?’Hewalkedback

downthecorridor,andI

heardhimissuinginstructions

towhoeverwasatthepiano.

Ashecamebacktome,a

scalebeganplaying,

hesitantlyandthenwithmore

emphasis.

MartinSteelehalfclosed

thedoorbehindhim.He

dippedhisheadfora

moment,asifheweretrying

tomakesenseofwhatIhad

askedhim.‘I’msorry.I’m

slightlyatalosshere.You’re

afriendofLilyMiller’s?And

you’vecomeherewhy?’

‘BecauseLilysaidshe

cameheretoseeyou.Youare

–were–herstepfather?’

‘Nottechnically,butyes.A

longtimeago.’

‘Andyou’reamusician?

Youusedtotakeherto

nursery?Butyou’restillin

contact.Shetoldmehow

closeyoustillwere.How

muchitirritatedhermother.’

Martinsquintedatme.

‘Miss–’

‘Clark.LouisaClark.’

‘MissClark.Louisa.I

haven’tseenLilyMillersince

shewasfiveyearsold.Tanya

thoughtitwouldbebetterfor

allofuswhenwesplitupif

webrokeoffallcontact.’

Istaredathim.‘Soyou’re

sayingshehasn’tbeenhere?’

Hethoughtforamoment.

‘Shecameonce,afewyears

ago,butitwasn’tgreat

timing.We’djusthadababy

andIwastryingtoteachand,

well,tobehonest,Icouldn’t

workoutwhatshereally

wantedfromme.’

‘Soyouhaven’tseenor

spokentohersincethen?’

‘Apartfromthatonevery

briefoccasion,no.Isshe

okay?Issheinsomekindof

trouble?’

Inside,thepianokept

playing–dohremifahsoh

lahtidoh.Dohtilahsohfah

miredoh.Upanddown.

Iwavedahand,already

backingawaydownthesteps.

‘No.It’sfine.Mymistake.

I’msorrytohavebothered

you.’

Ispentanotherevening

drivingaroundLondon,

ignoringmysister’scallsand

theemailfromRichard

Percivalthatwasmarked

URGENTandPERSONAL.I

droveuntilmyeyeswere

reddenedfromtheglareof

lightsandIrealizedIwas

nowgoingtoplacesIhad

alreadybeen,andIranoutof

cashforpetrol.

Idrovehomejustafter

midnight,promisingmyselfI

wouldpickupmybankcard,

drinkacupoftea,restmy

eyesforhalfanhour,thenhit

theroadagain.Itookoffmy

shoesandmadesometoast

thatIcouldn’teat.InsteadI

swallowedanothertwo

painkillersandlaybackon

thesofa,mymindracing.

WhatwasImissing?There

mustbesomeclue.Mybrain

buzzedwithexhaustion,my

stomachnowpermanently

knottedwithanxiety.What

streetshadImissed?Was

thereachanceshehadgone

somewhereotherthan

London?

Therewasnochoice,I

decided.Wehadtoletthe

policeknow.Itwasbetterto

bethoughtstupidandoverly

dramaticthantorisk

somethingactuallyhappening

toher.Ilaybackandclosed

myeyesforfiveminutes.

Iwaswokenthreehourslater

bythephoneringing.I

lurchedupright,temporarily

unsurewhereIwas.ThenI

staredattheflashingscreen

besideme,andfumbleditup

tomyear.‘Hello?’

‘We’vegother.’

‘What?’

‘It’sSam.We’vegotLily.

Canyoucome?’

Intheeveningcrushthat

followedEnglandlosinga

footballmatch,theill-temper

andassociateddrink-related

injuries,nobodyhadnoticed

theslightfiguresleeping

acrosstwochairsinthe

corner,herhoodiepulledup

highoverherface.Itwas

onlywhenthetriagenurse

hadgoneperson-to-personto

ensuretheyweremeeting

waitingtargetsthatsomeone

shookthegirlawakeandshe

confessedreluctantlythatshe

wasjusttherebecauseitwas

warmanddryandsafe.

Thenursewasquestioning

herwhenSam,bringinginan

oldwomanwithbreathing

problems,caughtsightofher

atthedesk.Hehadquietly

instructedthenursesatthe

desknottoletherleave,and

hurriedouttocallmebefore

shecouldseehim.Hetoldme

allthisaswerushedintoA

andE.Thewaitingareahad

finallystartedtothinout,the

fever-riddenchildrensafely

incubicleswiththeirparents,

thedrunkssenthometosleep

itoff.OnlyRTAsand

stabbingvictims,atthistime

ofnight.

‘They’vegivenhersome

tea.Shelooksexhausted.I

thinkshe’shappyjusttosit

tight.’

Imusthavelookedanxious

atthispointbecausehe

added,‘It’sokay.Theywon’t

letherleave.’

Ihalfwalked,halfran

alongthestrip-litcorridor,

Samstridingbesideme.And

thereshewas,looking

somehowsmallerthanshe

haddone,herhairpulledinto

amessyplait,aplasticcup

heldbetweenherthinhands.

Anursesatbesideher,

workingthroughapileof

folders,andwhenshesawme

andregisteredSam,she

smiledwarmly,andstoodup

toleave.Lily’snails,I

noticed,wereblackwith

grime.

‘Lily?’Isaid.Herdark,

shadowedeyesmetmine.

‘What–whathappened?’

Shelookedatme,andthen

atSam,hereyeshugeanda

littlefearful.

‘We’vebeenlooking

everywhere.Wewere…My

God,Lily.Wherewereyou?’

‘Sorry,’shewhispered.

Ishookmyhead,tryingto

tellherthatitdidn’tmatter.

Thatnothingcouldpossibly

matter,thattheonly

importantthingwasthatshe

wassafeandshewashere.

Iheldoutmyarms.She

lookedintomyeyes,tooka

stepforward,andgentlycame

torestagainstme.AndI

closedmyarmstightaround

her,feelinghersilent,

shakingsobsbecomemy

own.AllIcoulddowasthank

someunknownGodandoffer

upthesesilentwords:Will.

Will–wefoundher.

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

O N E

ThatfirstnighthomeIput

Lilyinmybedandsheslept

foreighteenhours,wakingin

theeveningforsomesoup

andabath,thencrashingout

forafurthereight.Islepton

thesofa,thefrontdoor

locked,afraidtogooutor

eventomoveincaseshe

vanishedagain.Samdropped

intwice,beforeandafterhis

shift,tobringmilkandto

checkonhowshe’dbeen,and

wetalkedinwhispersinthe

hall,asifwewerediscussing

aninvalid.

IrangTanyaHoughton-

Millertotellherthather

daughterhadturnedup

safely.‘Itoldyou.You

wouldn’tlistentome,’she

crowedtriumphantly,andI

putthephonedownbefore

shecouldsayanythingelse.

OrIdid.

IcalledMrsTraynor,who

letoutalong,shakingsighof

reliefanddidn’tspeakfor

sometime.‘Thankyou,’she

said,finally,anditsounded

likeitcamefromsomewhere

deepinhergut.‘WhencanI

comeandseeher?’

Ifinallyopenedtheemail

fromRichardPercival,which

informedmethatAsyouhave

beengiventherequisitethree

warnings,itisconsidered

that,givenyourpoor

attendancerecordandfailure

tocarryoutyourcontractual

requirements,your

employmentattheShamrock

andClover(Airport)is

terminatedwithimmediate

effect.HeaskedthatIreturn

theuniform(‘includingwig’)

atmyearliestconvenienceor

youwillbechargeditsfull

retailvalue.

Iopenedanemailfrom

Nathanasking,Wherethehell

areyou?Haveyouseenmy

lastemail?

IthoughtaboutMr

Gopnik’sofferand,witha

sigh,closedmycomputer.

OnthethirddayIwokeon

thesofatofindLilymissing.

Myheartlurchedreflexively

untilIsawtheopenhallway

window.Iclimbedupthefire

escapeandfoundherseated

ontheroof,lookingout

acrossthecity.Shewas

wearingherpyjamabottoms,

whichI’dwashed,andWill’s

oversizedsweater.

‘Hey,’Isaid,walking

acrosstherooftowardsher.

‘Youhavefoodinyour

fridge,’sheobserved.

‘AmbulanceSam.’

‘Andyouwatered

everything.’

‘Thatwasmostlyhimtoo.’

Shenodded,asifthatwere

probablytobeexpected.I

tookmyplaceonthebench

andwesatincompanionable

silenceforawhile,breathing

inthescentofthelavender,

whosepurpleheadshadburst

outoftheirtightgreenbuds.

Everythinginthelittleroof

gardenhadnowexploded

intogaudylife;thepetalsand

whisperingleavesbringing

colourandmovementand

fragrancetothegreyexpanse

ofasphalt.

‘Sorryforhoggingyour

bed.’

‘Yourneedwasgreater.’

‘Youhungupallyour

clothes.’Shecurledherlegs

neatlyunderher,tuckingher

hairbehindanear.Shewas

stillpale.‘Theniceones.’

‘Well,Iguessyoumade

methinkIshouldn’thide

theminboxesanymore.’

Sheshotmeasideways

lookandasmall,sadsmile

thatsomehowmademefeel

sadderthanifshehadn’t

smiledatall.Theairheldthe

promiseofascorchingday,

thestreetsoundsmuffledasif

bythewarmthofthesun.

Youcouldfeelitalready

seepingthroughthewindows,

bleachingtheair.Belowusa

binlorryclatteredandroared

itswayslowlyalongthe

kerbsidetoatimpanic

accompanimentofbeepsand

men’svoices.

‘Lily,’Isaid,quietly,when

ithadfinallyrecededintothe

distance,‘what’sgoingon?’I

triednottosoundtoo

interrogative.‘IknowI’mnot

meanttoaskyouquestions

andI’mnotyouractual

familyoranything,butallI

canseeisthatsomething’s

gonewronghereandIfeel…

IfeellikeI…well,Ifeel

we’resortofrelatedandIjust

wantyoutotrustme.Iwant

youtofeelyoucantalkto

me.’

Shekepthergazefixedon

herhands.

‘I’mnotgoingtojudge

you.I’mnotgoingtoreport

anythingyousaytoanyone.I

just…Well,youhaveto

knowthatifyoutellsomeone

thetruth,itwillhelp.I

promise.Itwillmakethings

better.’

‘Sayswho?’

‘Me.There’snothingyou

can’ttellme,Lily.Really.’

Sheglancedatme,then

lookedaway.‘Youwon’t

understand,’shesaidsoftly.

AndthenIknew.Iknew.

Belowusithadbecome

oddlyquiet,orperhapsI

couldnolongerhearanything

beyondthefewinchesthat

separatedus.‘I’mgoingto

tellyouastory,’Isaid.‘Only

onepersoninthewhole

worldknowsthisstory

becauseitwassomethingI

didn’tfeelIcouldsharefor

yearsandyears.Andtelling

himchangedthewholewayI

feltaboutit,andhowIfelt

aboutmyself.Sohere’sthe

thing–youdon’thavetotell

meanythingatall,butI’m

goingtotrustyouenoughto

tellyoumystoryanyway,

justincaseitwillhelp.’

IwaitedamomentbutLily

didn’tprotest,orrollher

eyes,orsayitwasgoingtobe

boring.Shewrappedherarms

aroundherknees,andshe

listened.ShelistenedasItold

herabouttheteenagegirl

who,onaglorioussummer

evening,hadcelebrateda

littletoohardinaplaceshe

consideredsafe,howshehad

beensurroundedbyher

girlfriendsandsomenice

boyswhoseemedasifthey

camefromgoodfamiliesand

knewtherules,andhow

muchfunithadbeen,how

funnyandcrazyandwild,

untilsomedrinkslatershe

realizednearlyalltheother

girlshaddriftedawayandthe

laughterhadgrownhardand

thejoke,itturnedout,had

beenonher.AndItoldher,

withoutgoingintotoomuch

detail,howthateveninghad

ended:withasistersilently

helpingherhome,hershoes

lost,bruisinginsecretplaces

andabigblackholewhere

herrecallofthosehours

shouldhavebeen,andthe

memories,fleetinganddark,

nowhangingoverherheadto

remindhereverydaythatshe

hadbeenstupid,irresponsible

andhadbroughtitallon

herself.Andhow,foryears,

shehadletthatthought

colourwhatshedid,where

shewentandwhatshe

thoughtshewascapableof.

Andhowsometimesitjust

neededsomeonetosay

somethingassimpleasNo.It

wasn’tyourfault.Itreally

wasn’tyourfault.

IfinishedandLilywasstill

watchingme.Herexpression

gavenocluetoherreaction.

‘Idon’tknowwhatwas–

oris–goingonwithyou,

Lily,’Isaidcarefully.‘It

mightbetotallyunrelatedto

whatI’vejusttoldyou.Ijust

wantyoutoknowthereis

nothingsobadthatyoucan’t

tellme.Andthereisnothing

youcoulddothatwould

makemecloseadooronyou

again.’

Stillshedidn’tspeak.I

gazedoutovertheroof

terrace,deliberatelynot

lookingather.

‘Youknow,yourdadsaid

somethingtomethatI’ve

neverforgotten:“Youdon’t

havetoletthatonethingbe

thethingthatdefinesyou.”’

‘Mydad.’Sheliftedher

chin.

Inodded.‘Whateveritis

that’shappened,evenifyou

don’twanttotellme,you

needtounderstandthathe

wasright.Theselastweeks,

months,don’thavetobethe

thingthatdefinesyou.Even

fromthelittleIknowofyou,

Irecognisethatyouarebright

andfunnyandkindand

smart,andthatifyoucanget

yourselfpastwhateverthisis,

youhaveanamazingfuture

ahead.’

‘Howcanyoupossibly

knowthat?’

‘Becauseyou’relikehim.

You’reevenwearinghis

jumper,’Iaddedsoftly.

Shebroughtherarm

slowlytoherface,placingthe

softwoolagainsthercheek,

thinking.

Isatbackonthebench.I

wonderedifIhadpushedit

toofar,talkingaboutWill.

ButthenLilytookabreath

and,inaquiet,

uncharacteristicallyflatvoice,

shetoldmethetruthabout

whereshe’dbeen.Shetold

meabouttheboy,andabout

theman,andanimageona

mobilephonethathaunted

her,andthedaysshehad

spentasashadowonthe

city’sneon-litstreets.Asshe

spokeshestartedtocry,

shrinkingintoherself,her

facecrumplinglikethatofa

five-year-old,soImoved

acrosstheseatandbrought

herinclosetome,stroking

herhairwhileshekept

talking,herwordsnow

jumbled,toofast,toofull,

brokenwithsobsandhiccups.

Bythetimeshegottothelast

day,shewashuddledintome,

swallowedbythejumper,

swallowedbyherownfear

andguiltandsadness.

‘I’msorry,’shesobbed.

‘I’msosorry.’

‘Youhavenothing,’Isaid

fiercely,asIheldher,

‘nothingtobesorryfor.’

ThateveningSamcame.He

wascheerful,sweetand

casualinhisdealingswith

Lily,cookeduspastawith

cream,baconand

mushrooms,whenshesaid

shedidn’twanttogoout,and

wewatchedacomedyfilm

aboutafamilywhogotlostin

ajungle,astrangefacsimile

ofafamilyourselves.I

smiledandlaughedandmade

tea,butinsideIsimmered

withangerIdidn’tdareshow.

AssoonasLilywentto

bedIbeckonedSamontothe

fireescape.Weclimbedupto

theroofwhereIcouldbesure

Iwouldn’tbeheard,andashe

satdownonthelittle

wrought-ironbenchItold

himwhatshehadtoldmein

thatspot,justafewhours

earlier.‘Shethinksit’sgoing

tohangoverherforever.He

stillhasthephone,Sam.’

Iwasn’tsureIhadever

beensofurious.Allevening,

asthetelevisionburbledin

frontofme,Ihadrecastthe

lastweeksinanewlight:I

thoughtaboutthetimesthe

boyhadhungaround

downstairs,thewayLilyhad

hiddenherphoneunderthe

sofacushionswhenshe

thoughtImightseeit,the

wayshehadsometimes

flinchedwhenanewmessage

camethrough.Ithoughtof

herstutteringwords–ofthe

wayshedescribedherrelief

whenshethoughtshehad

beenrescued–andthenthe

horrorofwhatwastocome

next.Ithoughtaboutthe

arroganceofamanwhohad

seenayounggirlindistress

andvieweditasan

opportunity.

Sammotionedtometosit

down,butIcouldn’tkeep

still.Ipacedbackwardsand

forwardsacrosstheroof

terrace,myfiststight,my

neckrigid.Iwantedtothrow

thingsovertheedge.Iwanted

tofindMrGarside.Hecame

andstoodbehindmeand

rubbedattheknotsinmy

shoulders.Isuspecteditwas

hiswayofmakingmestand

still.

‘Iactuallywanttokill

him.’

‘Itcanbearranged.’

IlookedroundatSamto

seeifhewasjoking,andwas

thetiniestbitdisappointed

whenIsawhewas.

Ithadgrownchillyup

thereinthestiffnightbreeze

andIwishedIhadbroughtup

ajacket.‘Maybeweshould

justgotothepolice.It’s

blackmail,isn’tit?’

‘He’lldenyit.Therearea

millionplaceshecouldhidea

phone.Andifhermotherwas

tellingthetruthnobodyis

goingtobelieveLilyovera

so-calledpillarofthe

community.That’showthese

peoplegetawaywithit.’

‘Buthowdowegetthat

phoneoffhim?Shewon’tbe

abletomoveforwardwhile

sheknowshe’soutthere,

whilethatimageisstillout

there.’Iwasshivering.Sam

tookhisjacketoffandhungit

aroundmyshoulders.It

carriedtheresidualwarmthof

himandItriednottolookas

gratefulasIfelt.

‘Wecan’tturnupathis

officeorherparentswillfind

out.Wecouldemailhim?

Tellhimhehastosendit

back,orelse?’

‘He’shardlyjustgoingto

coughitup.Hemightnot

evenansweranemail–that

couldbeusedasevidence.’

‘Oh,it’shopeless.’Iletout

alongmoan.‘Maybeshe’s

justgoingtohavetolearnto

livewithit.Maybewecan

convinceherthatit’sasmuch

inhisintereststoforgetwhat

happenedasitishers.

Becauseitis,right?Maybe

he’lljustgetridofthephone

himself.’

‘Youthinkshe’llgowith

that?’

‘No.’Irubbedmyeyes.‘I

can’tbearit.Ican’tbearthat

he’llgetawaywithit.That

creepy,nasty,manipulative,

limo-drivingscumbag…’I

stoodupandgazedoutatthe

citybelowme,feelingbriefly

despairing.Icouldseethe

future:Lily,defensiveand

wild,asshetriedtoescape

theshadowofherpast.That

phonewasthekeytoher

behaviour,toherfuture.

Think,Itoldmyself.Think

whatWillwoulddo.He

wouldnothaveletthisman

win.Ihadtostrategizelikehe

would.Iwatchedthetraffic

creepingslowlypastthefront

doorofmyblock.Ithought

ofMrGarside’sbigblackcar,

cruisingthestreetsofSoho.I

thoughtaboutamanwho

movedsilentlyandeasily

throughlife,confidentthatit

wouldalwaysworkhisway.

‘Sam?’Isaid.‘Istherea

drugyoucouldgivethat

couldstopsomeone’sheart?’

Heletthathangintheair

foramoment.‘Pleasetellme

you’rekidding.’

‘No.Listen.I’vegotan

idea.’

Shesaidnothingatfirst.

‘You’llbesafe,’Isaid.‘And

thiswaynobodyhastoknow

athing.’Whatmovedme

mostwasthatshedidn’task

methequestionIhadbeen

askingmyselfeversinceI

outlinedmyplantoSam.

Howdoyouknowthiswill

actuallywork?

‘I’vegotitalllinedup,

sweetheart,’Samsaid.

‘Butnobodyelseknows–’

‘Anything.Justthathe’s

hasslingyou.’

‘Won’tyougetintrouble?’

‘Don’tworryaboutme.’

Shepulledathersleeve,

thenmurmured,‘Andyou

won’tleavemewithhim.At

all.’

‘Notforoneminute.’

Shechewedherlip.Then

shelookedatSam,andover

atme.Andsomethingseemed

tosettleinsideher.‘Okay.

Let’sdoit.’

Iboughtacheap,pay-as-you-

gohandset,calledLily’s

stepfather’sworkplaceand

gotMrGarside’smobile

numberfromhissecretaryby

pretendingwehadarranged

tomeetforadrink.That

eveningasIwaitedforSam

toarrive,Isentatextto

Garside’snumber.

MrGarside.I’msorry

abouthittingyou.Ijust

freaked.Iwanttosortitout.

Heleftithalfanhour

beforeresponding,probably

tomakehersweat.

WhyshouldItalktoyou,

Lily?Youwereveryrude

afterallthehelpIgaveyou.

‘Prick,’mutteredSam.

Iknow.I’msorry.ButIdo

needyourhelp.

Thisisnotaone-way

street,Lily.

Iknow.Youjustgavemea

shock.Ineededtimetothink.

Let’smeetup.I’llgiveyou

whatyouwant,butyouhave

togivemethephonefirst.

Idon’tthinkyougetto

dictateterms,Lily.

Samlookedatme.Ilooked

backathim,thenbeganto

type.

Noteven…ifI’mareally

badgirl?

Apause.

Nowyou’vegotmy

interest.

SamandIexchangeda

look.‘Ijustdidalittlesickin

mymouth,’Isaid.

Tomorrownightthen,I

typed.I’llsendyouthe

addresswhenI’vechecked

myfriendwillbeout.

Whenweweresurehe

wouldn’trespond,Samput

thephoneintohispocket,

whereLilycouldn’tseeit,

andheldmeforalongtime.

Iwasalmostillwithnerves

thenextday,andLilywas

worse.Wepickedatour

breakfast,andIletLily

smokeintheflat,andwas

almosttemptedtoaskfora

cigarettemyself.Wewatched

afilmanddidsomechores

badly,andbyseventhirty

thatevening,whenSam

arrived,myheadwasbuzzing

somuchIcouldbarelyspeak.

‘Didyousendthe

address?’Iaskedhim.

‘Yup.’

‘Showme.’

Thephonemessagewas

simplytheaddressofmyflat

andsignedL.

Hehadresponded:Ihavea

meetingintownandI’llbe

thereshortlyaftereight.

‘Youokay?’hesaid.

Mystomachtightened.I

feltasifIcouldhardly

breathe.‘Idon’twanttoget

youintotrouble.Imean–

whatifyougetfoundout?

You’llloseyourjob.’

Samshookhishead.

‘Won’thappen.’

‘Ishouldn’thavepulled

youintothismess.You’ve

beensobrilliantandIfeel

likeI’mrepayingyouby

puttingyouatrisk.’

‘We’llallbefine.Keep

breathing.’Hesmiled

reassuringlyatme,butI

thoughtIcoulddetectafaint

strainaroundhiseyes.

Heglancedovermy

shoulderandIturned.Lily

waswearingablackT-shirt,

denimshortsandblacktights,

andshehaddonehermake-

upsothatshelooked

simultaneouslyverybeautiful

andveryyoung.‘Youall

right,sweetheart?’

Shenodded.Herskin,

normallytheslightlyolive

colourWill’shadbeen,was

unusuallypale.Hereyeswere

hugeinherface.

‘It’sallgoingtobefine,

I’dbesurprisedifittakes

longerthanfiveminutes.

Lou’sbeenthroughitallwith

you,yes?’Sam’svoicewas

calm,reassuring.

Wehadrehearsedita

dozentimes.Iwantedherto

reachapointwhereshe

wouldn’tfreeze,whereshe

couldrepeatherlineswithout

thinking.

‘IknowwhatI’mdoing.’

‘Right,’hesaid,and

clappedhishandstogether.

‘Quartertoeight.Let’sget

ready.’

Hewaspunctual,Ihadto

givehimthat.Atoneminute

pasteightmybuzzerrang.

Lilytookanaudiblebreath,I

squeezedherhand,andthen

sheansweredtheentry-

phone.Yes.Yes,she’sgone.

Comeup.Itdidn’tseemto

occurtohimthatshemight

notbewhathethought.

Lilylethimin.OnlyI,

watchingthroughthecrackin

mybedroomdoor,couldsee

thewayherhandtrembledas

shereachedforthelock.

Garsideranhishandoverhis

hair,glancedbrieflyaround

thehallway.Hewaswearing

agoodgreysuit,andtucked

hiscarkeysintohisinside

breastpocket.Icouldn’tstop

staringathim,athis

expensiveshirt,hisbeady,

acquisitiveeyesasthey

scannedtheflat.Myjaw

tightened.Whatkindofman

feltentitledtopresshimself

onagirlfortyyearsyounger

thanhewas?Toblackmail

thechildofhisown

colleague?

Helookeduncomfortable,

farfromrelaxed.‘I’veparked

mycarouttheback.Willit

besafe?’

‘Ithinkso.’Lily

swallowed.

‘Youthinkso?’Hetooka

stepbacktowardsthedoor.

Thekindofmanwhoseeshis

carasanextensionofsome

minusculepartofhimself.

‘Andwhataboutyourfriend?

Whoeverownsthisplace.

They’renotcomingback?’

Iheldmybreath.Behind

meIfeltSam’ssteadying

handonthesmallofmyback.

‘Oh.No.Itwillbefine.’

Shesmiled,suddenly

reassuring.‘Shewon’tbe

backforages.Docomein.

Wouldyoulikeadrink,Mr

Garside?’

Helookedatherasifhe

wereseeingherforthefirst

time.‘Soformal.’Hetooka

stepforwardandfinally

closedthedoorbehindhim.

‘DoyouhaveScotch?’

‘I’llcheck.Comethrough.’

Shebegantowalktothe

kitchen,himfollowing,

removinghissuitjacket.As

theyenteredthelivingroom,

Samwalkedpastmeoutof

thebedroom,strodeacross

thehallwayinhisheavy

bootsandlockedtheinside

doortotheflat,placingthe

keys,jangling,inhispocket.

Garside,startled,turned

andsawhim,joinednowby

Donna.Theystoodtherein

uniform,againstthedoor.He

lookedatthem,thenbackat

Lily,andfaltered,tryingto

workoutwhatwasgoingon.

‘Hello,MrGarside,’Isaid,

steppingoutfrombehindthe

door.‘Ibelieveyouhave

somethingtoreturntomy

friendhere.’

Heactuallybrokeoutina

spontaneoussweat.Until

then,Ihadn’tknownitwas

physicallypossible.Hiseyes

dartedaboutforLily,butasI

hadsteppedoutintothehall

shehadmovedsothatshe

washalfbehindme.

Samsteppedforward.Mr

Garside’sheadreachedjust

abovehisshoulder.‘The

phone,please.’

‘Youcan’tthreatenme.’

‘We’renotthreatening

you,’Isaid,myheart

thumping.‘Wewouldjust

likethephone.’

‘You’rethreateningmejust

byblockingmyexit.’

‘Oh,no,sir,’saidSam.

‘Actuallythreateningyou

wouldinvolvementioningthe

factthat,ifmycolleagueand

Ichose,wecouldpinyou

downrighthereandnowand

injectyouwithdihypranol,

whichwouldslowand

ultimatelystopyourheart.

Nowthatwouldbeathreat,

especiallyasnobodywould

questionthewordofthe

paramediccrewwhohad

apparentlytriedtosaveyou.

Andasdihypranolisoneof

thefewdrugsthatleavesno

traceinthebloodstream.’

Donna,herarmscrossed

acrossherchest,shookher

headsadly.‘It’sashame,the

waythesemiddle-aged

businessmenjustdroplike

flies.’

‘Allsortsofhealthissues.

Theydrinktoomuch,eattoo

well,don’ttakeenough

exercise.’

‘I’msurethisgentleman

hereisn’tlikethat.’

‘You’dhopenot.Butwho

knows?’

MrGarsideseemedtohave

shrunkbyseveralinches.

‘Anddon’teventhinkof

threateningLily.Weknow

whereyoulive,MrGarside.

Allparamedicshavethat

informationtohandifand

whentheyneedit.It’s

amazingwhatcanhappenif

youpissoffaparamedic.’

‘Thisisoutrageous.’He

wasblusteringnow,hisface

drainedofcolour.

‘Yup.Itreallyis.’Iheld

outmyhand.‘Thephone,

please.’

Garsideglancedaround

himagain,thenfinally

reachedintohispocketand

handedit,tome.

ItossedittoLily.‘Check

it,Lily.’

Ilookedaway,indeference

toherfeelings,whileshedid

so.‘Deleteit,’Isaid.‘Just

deleteit.’WhenIlooked

back,shehadthephone,

screenblank,inherhand.She

gaveafaintnod.Sam

motionedtohertothrowitto

him.Hedroppedittothe

floorandstampeddownonit

withhisrightfoot,sothatthe

plasticsplintered.Hecrushed

itwithsuchviolencethatthe

floorshook.Ifoundmyself

flinching,alongwithMr

Garside,everytimeSam’s

heavybootcamedown.

Finally,Samstoopedand

gingerlypickedupthetiny

SIMcard,whichhadskidded

undertheradiator.He

examinedit,andhelditupin

frontoftheolderman.‘Was

thattheonlycopy?’

Garsidenodded.Moisture

wasdarkeninghiscollar.

‘Ofcourseit’stheonly

copy,’saidDonna.‘A

responsiblememberofthe

communitywouldn’twantto

taketheriskofsomething

likethatturningupanywhere,

wouldhe?ImaginewhatMr

Garside’sfamilywouldsayif

hisnastylittlesecretgotout?’

Garside’smouthhad

compressedintoathinline.

‘You’vegotwhatyou

wanted.Nowletmeleave.’

‘No.Iwouldliketosay

something.’Myvoice,I

noteddistantly,shookslightly

withtheeffortofcontaining

myfury.‘Youareasleazy,

patheticlittleman,andifI–’

MrGarside’smouth

hookedupwardsinasneer.

Thekindofmanwhohad

neveroncefeltthreatenedby

awoman.‘Oh,dobequiet,

youridiculouslittle–’

Somethinghardglitteredin

Sam’seyesandhesprang

forward.Myarmshotoutto

restrainhim.Idon’t

remembermyotherfist

pullingback.Idoremember

thepainthatshotthroughmy

knucklesasitmadecontact

withthesideofGarside’s

face.Hereeledbackwards,

hisupperbodyhittingthe

door,andIstumbled,not

expectingtheforceofthe

impact.Whenherighted

himself,Iwasshockedtosee

bloodtricklingfromhisnose.

‘Letmeout,’hehissed,

throughhisfingers.‘This

minute.’

Samblinkedatme,then

unlockedthedoor.Donna

steppedaway,justabout

allowinghimthrough.She

leanedtowardshim.‘Areyou

sureyoudon’twanta

dressingforthatbeforeyou

go?’

Garsidekepthispace

measuredasheleft,butasthe

doorclickedshutbehindhim,

weheardthesoundofhis

expensiveshoespickingup

intoarundownthecorridor.

Westoodinsilenceuntilwe

couldn’thearthemanymore.

Andthen,thesoundof

severalpeopleexhalingat

once.

‘Nicepunch,Cassius,’said

Sam,afteraminute.‘Want

metotakealookatthat

hand?’

Icouldn’tspeak.Iwasbent

double,swearingsilentlyinto

mychest.

‘Alwayshurtsmorethan

youthinkitwill,doesn’tit?’

saidDonna,pattingmyback.

‘Don’tstress,sweetheart,’she

toldLily.‘Whateverhesaid

toyou,thatoldmanis

nothing.Gone.’

‘Hewon’tbeback,’said

Sam.

Donnalaughed.‘Hepretty

muchcrappedhimself.Ithink

he’llberunningamilefrom

youfromnowon.Forgetit,

darling.’ShehuggedLily

briskly,asyoumight

someonewhohadtoppledoff

abike,thenhandedmethe

piecesofthebrokenphoneto

throwaway.‘Right.I

promisedtopoproundmy

dad’sbeforeourshift.See

youlater.’Andthen,witha

wave,shewasgone,her

bootsclumpingcheerfully

downthecorridor.

Sambegantorummage

throughhismedicalpackto

findadressingformyhand.

LilyandIwalkedintothe

livingroomwhereshesank

downonthesofa.‘Youdid

brilliantly,’Itoldher.

‘Youwereprettybadass

yourself.’

Iexaminedmybloodied

knuckles.WhenIlookedup,

thesmallestgrinwasplaying

aroundherlips.‘Hetotally

wasn’texpectingthat.’

‘NeitherwasI.I’dnever

hitanyonebefore.’I

straightenedmyface.‘Not

that,youknow,youshould

considermeanykindof

moralexample.’

‘I’veneverconsideredyou

anykindofexample,Lou.’

Shegrinned,almost

reluctantly,asSamcamein,

bearingsomesterilebandage

andapairofscissors.

‘Youokay,Lily?’He

raisedhiseyebrows.

Shenodded.

‘Good.Let’smoveonto

somethingmoreinteresting.

Whofanciesspaghetti

carbonara?’

Whenshelefttheroom,he

letoutalongbreath,then

staredattheceilingfora

moment,asifcomposing

himself.

‘What?’Isaid.

‘ThankGodyouhithim

first.IwasafraidIwasgoing

tokillhim.’

Sometimelater,afterLily

hadgonetobed,IjoinedSam

inthekitchen.Forthefirst

timeinweekssomesortof

peacehaddescendedovermy

home.‘She’shappieralready.

Imean,shebitchedaboutthe

newtoothpasteandlefther

towelsonthefloor,butin

Lilytermsshe’sdefinitely

better.’

Henoddedatthis,and

emptiedthesink.Itfeltgood

havinghiminmykitchen.I

watchedhimforaminute,

wonderinghowitwouldfeel

towalkupandplacemyarms

aroundhiswaist.‘Thank

you,’Isaidinstead.‘For

everything.’

Heturned,wipinghis

handsontheteatowel.‘You

wereprettysmartyourself,

Punchy.’Hereachedouta

handandpulledmetohim.

Wekissed.Therewas

somethingsodeliciousabout

hiskisses;thesoftnessof

themcomparedtothebrute

strengthoftherestofhim.I

lostmyselfinhimfora

moment.But–

‘What?’hesaid,pulling

back.‘What’swrong?’

‘You’regoingtothinkit’s

weird.’

‘Uh,moreweirdthanthis

evening?’

‘Ikeepthinkingaboutthat

dihypranolstuff.Howmuch

wouldittaketoactuallykilla

person?Isthissomethingyou

allcarryroutinely?Itjust…

sounds…reallydodgy.’

‘Youdon’tneedtoworry,’

hesaid.

‘Yousaythat.Butwhatif

someonereallyhatedyou?

Couldtheyputitinyour

food?Couldterroristsget

holdofit?Imean,howmuch

wouldtheyactuallyneed?’

‘Lou.There’snosuch

drug.’

‘What?’

‘Imadeitup.There’sno

suchthingasdihypranol.

Totallyinvented.’Hegrinned

atmyshockedface.‘Funnily

enough,Idon’tthinkI’ve

everhadadrugthatworked

better.’

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

T W O

Iwasthelastonetoarriveat

theMovingOnmeeting.My

carwouldn’tstartagainand

I’dhadtowaitforthebus.

WhenIgottherethebiscuit

tinwasjustclosing,asignal

thattherealbusinessofthe

eveningwasabouttobegin.

‘Todaywe’regoingtotalk

aboutfaithinthefuture,’

Marcsaid.Imutteredmy

apologyandsatdown.‘Oh,

andweonlyhaveanhour

todaybecauseofan

emergencyScoutsmeeting.

Sorryaboutthat,guys.’

Marcfixedeachofuswith

hisSpecialEmpatheticGaze.

Hewasverykeenonhis

SpecialEmpatheticGaze.

Sometimeshewouldstareat

meforsolongIwonderedif

somethingwaspokingoutof

mynostril.Helookeddown,

asifgatheringhisthoughts–

orperhapshelikedtoreadhis

openinglinesfromapre-

preparedscript.

‘Whensomeoneweloveis

snatchedfromus,itoften

feelsveryhardtomakeplans.

Sometimespeoplefeellike

theyhavelostfaithinthe

future,ortheybecome

superstitious.’

‘IthoughtIwasgoingto

die,’saidNatasha.

‘Youare,’saidWilliam.

‘Nothelpful,William,’

saidMarc.

‘No–honestly,forthefirst

eighteenmonthsafterOlaf

died,IthoughtIhadcancer.I

thinkIwenttothedoctor

aboutadozentimes

convincedIwasgetting

cancer.Braintumours,

pancreaticcancer,womb

cancer,evenlittle-finger

cancer.’

‘There’snosuchthingas

little-fingercancer,’said

William.

‘Oh,howwouldyou

know?’snappedNatasha.

‘Youhaveasmartanswerfor

everything,William,but

sometimesyoushouldjust

keepyourmouthshut,okay?

Itgetsverytedioushaving

youmakeasnarkycomment

abouteverythingthat

someonesaysinthisgroup.I

thoughtIhadlittle-finger

cancer.MyGPsentmefor

testsanditturnedoutIdidn’t.

Itmighthavebeenan

irrationalfear,yes,butyou

don’thavetoputdown

everythingIsaybecause,

whateveryouthink,youdon’t

knoweverything,okay?’

Therewasabriefsilence.

‘Actually,’saidWilliam,‘I

workonanoncologyward.’

‘Itstillstands,’shesaid,

afteramicrosecond.‘Youare

insufferable.Adeliberate

agitator.Apaininthe

backside.’

‘That’strue,’saidWilliam.

Natashastaredatthefloor.

Orperhapswealldid.Itwas

hardtotell,givenIwas

studyingthefloor.Sheput

herfaceintoherhandsfora

moment,thenlookedupat

him.‘You’renotreally,

William.I’msorry.Ithink

I’mjusthavingoneofthose

days.Ididn’tmeantosnapat

youlikethat.’

‘Stillcan’tgetlittle-finger

cancer,though,’said

William.

‘So…’saidMarc,aswe

triedtoignoreNatasha

cursingrepeatedlyunderher

breath‘…I’mwondering

whetheranyofyouhave

reachedapointwhereyou

canconsidertheprospectof

lifefiveyearson.Wheredo

youseeyourself?Whatdo

youseeyourselfdoing?Do

youfeelokaytoimaginethe

futurenow?’

‘I’llbehappyifmyold

ticker’sstillticking,’said

Fred.

‘Allthatinternetsex

puttingitunderstrain?’said

Sunil.

‘That!’Fredexclaimed.

‘Thatwasatotalwasteof

money.Thefirstsite,Ispent

twoweeksemailingthis

womanfromLisbon–total

cracker–andwhenIfinally

suggestedwemeetupfora

bitoftheoldhow’s-your-

father,shetriedtosellmea

condoinFlorida.Andthena

mancalledBuffedAdonis

private-messagedmetowarn

meoffandtellmeshewas

actuallyaone-leggedPuerto

RicanfellacalledRamirez.’

‘Whatabouttheothersites,

Fred?’

‘Theonlywomanwhosaid

she’dmeetmelookedlikemy

great-auntElsie,whokepther

keysinherknickers.Imean,

shewasverysweetandall,

buttheoldgirlwassoancient

Iwasalmosttemptedto

check.’

‘Don’tgiveup,Fred,’said

Marc.‘Itmightbethatyou’re

lookinginthewrongplaces.’

‘Formykeys?Oh,no.I

hangthosebythedoor.’

Daphnedecidedshe’dlike

toretireabroadinthenext

fewyears–‘It’sthecold

here.Getsintomyjoints.’

Leannesaidshehopedto

finishherphilosophy

master’s.Wegaveeachother

thekindofdeliberatelyblank

looksyoudowhennobody

wantstoadmittheyhad

actuallyassumedsheworked

inasupermarket.Ormaybea

slaughterhouse.Williamsaid,

‘Well,youKant.’

Nobodylaughed,andwhen

herealizednobodywasgoing

to,hesatbackinhischair,

anditmighthavebeenonly

mewhoheardNatasha

muttering,‘Hahhah,’like

NelsoninTheSimpsons.

Atfirst,Sunildidn’twant

tospeak.Thenhesaidhe’d

thoughtaboutitandhe’d

decidedthatinfiveyears’

timehe’dliketobemarried.

‘IfeellikeI’veturnedmyself

offforthepasttwoyears.

LikeIwouldn’tletanyone

getclosetomebecauseof

whathappened.Imean,

what’sthepointofgetting

closetosomeoneifyou’re

onlygoingtolosethem?But

theotherdayIstarted

thinkingaboutwhatIactually

wantoutoflifeandIrealized

itwassomeonetolove.

Becauseyougottomoveon,

right?Yougottoseesome

kindoffuture.’

ItwasthemostIhadheard

Sunilspeakinanymeeting

sinceIhadstartedcoming.

‘That’sverypositive,

Sunil,’saidMarc.‘Thankyou

forsharing.’

IlistenedtoJaketalkabout

goingtocollege,andhowhe

wantedtotrainasan

animator,andwondered

absentlywherehisfather

wouldbe.Stillweepingover

hisdeadwife?Orhappily

ensconcedwithsomenewer

version?Isuspectedthe

latter.ThenIthoughtabout

Samandwonderedwhether

myoffhandreferencetoa

relationshiphadbeenwise.

ThenIwonderedwhatwe

wereinifitwasn’ta

relationship.Becausethere

wererelationshipsand

relationships.AndevenasI

mulledthisoverIrealized

that,ifheasked,Iwasn’tsure

whichcategoryweevenfitted

into.Icouldn’thelp

wonderingwhetherthe

intensityofoursearchfor

Lilyhadactedasakindof

cheapglue,bindingus

togethertooquickly.What

didweevenhaveincommon,

otherthanafallfroma

building?

TwodayspreviouslyIhad

gonetotheAmbulance

StationtowaitforSam,and

Donnahadstoodbyhercar

chattingtomeforafew

minuteswhilehegatheredhis

belongings.‘Don’tmesshim

around.’

Iturned,notsureifIhad

heardhercorrectly.

Shehadwatchedasan

ambulancewasunloadedby

theshutters,andthenrubbed

hernose.‘He’sallright.Fora

greatlunk.Andhereally

likesyou.’

Ihadn’tknownwhatto

say.

‘Hedoes.He’sbeen

talkingaboutyou.Andhe

doesn’ttalkaboutanyone.

Don’ttellhimIsaid

anything.Ijust…he’sall

right.Ijustwantyouto

know.’Shehadraisedher

eyebrowsatmethen,and

nodded,asifconfirming

somethingtoherself.

‘I’vejustrealized.You’re

notinyourdancing-girl

outfit,’saidDaphne.

Therewasamurmurof

recognition.

‘Didyougetpromoted?’

Iwasdraggedfrommy

thoughts.‘Oh.No.Igot

fired.’

‘Whereareyouworking

now?’

‘Nowhere.Yet.’

‘Butyouroutfit…’

Iwaswearingmylittle

blackdresswiththewhite

collar.‘Oh.This.It’sjusta

dress.’

‘Ithoughtyouwere

workingatathemedbarfor

secretaries.OrmaybeFrench

maids.’

‘Don’tyoueverstop,

Fred?’

‘Youdon’tunderstand.At

myage,thephrase“Useitor

loseit”takesonacertain

urgency.Imightonlyhave

twentyorsostiffiesleftin

me.’

‘Someofushavenever

hadtwentystiffiesinusinthe

firstplace.’

WepausedtogiveFred

andDaphnetimetostop

giggling.

‘Andyourfuture?It

soundslikeit’sallchangefor

you,’saidMarc.

‘Well…Iactuallygot

offeredanotherjob.’

‘Youdid?’Therewasa

littlerippleofapplause,

whichmademeblush.

‘Oh,I’mnotgoingtotake

it,butit’sfine.IfeelI’vesort

ofmovedon,justforbeing

offeredajob.’

Williamsaid:‘Sowhatwas

thejob?’

‘JustsomethinginNew

York.’

Theyallstaredatme.

‘Yougotajobofferin

NewYork?’

‘Yes.’

‘Apaidjob?’

‘Withaccommodation,’I

saidquietly.

‘Andyouwouldn’thaveto

wearthatgodawfulshiny

greendress?’

‘Ihardlythinkmyoutfit

wasagoodenoughreasonto

emigrate.’Ilaughed.Nobody

elsedid.‘Oh,comeon,’I

said.

Theywereallstillstaring

atme.Leanne’smouthmight

actuallyhavebeenhanging

openalittle.

‘NewYorkNewYork?’

‘Youdon’tknowthewhole

story.Ican’tgonow.Ihave

Lilytosortout.’

‘Thedaughterofyourex-

employer.’Jakewas

frowningatme.

‘Well,hewasmorethan

myemployer.Butyes.’

‘Doesshehavenofamily

ofherown,Louisa?’Daphne

leanedforward.

‘It’scomplicated.’

Theyalllookedateach

other.

Marcputhispadonhis

lap.‘Howmuchdoyoufeel

you’vereallylearnedfrom

thesesessions,Louisa?’

Ihadreceivedthepackage

fromNewYork:abundleof

documents,withimmigration

andhealth-insuranceforms,

clippedtogetherwithathick

pieceofcreamnotepaperon

whichMrLeonardM.

Gopnikforwardedmea

formaloffertoworkforhis

family.Ihadlockedmyself

intothebathroomtoreadit,

thenreaditasecondtime,

convertedthesalaryto

pounds,sighedforabit,and

promisedmyselfIwouldnot

Googletheaddress.

AfterI’dGoogledthe

addressIresistedthebrief

urgetolieonthefloorina

foetalposition.ThenIgota

grip,stoodupandflushedthe

loo(incaseLilywondered

whatIwasdoingthere),

washedmyhands(outof

habit),andtookitallintomy

bedroomwhereIstuffedit

intothedrawerundermybed

andtoldmyselfIwouldnever

lookatitagain.

Thatnightshehadknocked

onmybedroomdoorshortly

beforemidnight.

CanIstayhere?Idon’t

reallywanttogobacktomy

mum’s.

Youcanstayaslongas

youwant.

Shehadlaindownonthe

othersideofmybedand

curledupinalittleball.I

watchedhersleep,then

pulledtheduvetoverher.

Will’sdaughterneededme.

Itwasassimpleasthat.And,

whatevermysistersaid,I

owedhim.Herewasawayto

feelIhadn’tbeencompletely

useless.Icouldstilldo

somethingforhim.

AndthatenvelopeprovedI

wassomeonewhocouldgeta

decentjoboffer.Thatwas

progress.Ihadfriends,asort

ofboyfriend,even.This,too,

wasprogress.

IignoredNathan’smissed

callsanddeletedhis

voicemailmessages.Iwould

explainitalltohiminaday

ortwo.Itfelt,ifnotlikea

plan,thenasclosetooneasI

wasgoingtogetrightnow.

SamwasdueshortlyafterI

gotbackonTuesday.He

textedatseventosayhewas

goingtobelate.Hesent

anotherataquarterpast

eight,sayinghewasn’tsure

whattimehewouldmakeit.

I’dfeltflatallday,struggling

withthestasisthatcomes

fromnothavingajobtogo

to,worriesabouthowIwas

goingtopaymybills,and

beingtrappedinanapartment

withsomeoneelsewho

similarlyhadnowheretogo

andIwasunwillingtoleave

byherself.Athalfninethe

buzzerwent.Samwasatthe

frontdoor,stillinuniform.I

lethiminandsteppedout

intothecorridor,closingthe

frontdoorbehindme.He

emergedfromthestairwell

andwalkedtowardsme,his

headdown.Hewasgreywith

exhaustionandgaveoffa

strange,disturbedenergy.

‘Ithoughtyouweren’t

coming.Whathappened?Are

youokay?’

‘I’mbeinghauledupin

frontofDisciplinary.’

‘What?’

‘Anothercrewsawmyrig

outsidethenightwemet

Garside.TheytoldControl.I

couldn’tgivethemagood

answerastowhywewere

attendingsomethingthat

wasn’tonthesystem.’

‘Sowhathappened?’

‘Ifudgedit,saidsomeone

hadcomerunningoutand

askedusforhelp.Andthatit

hadturnedouttobeaprank.

Donnabackedmeup,thank

God.Butthey’renothappy.’

‘It’snotthatbad,surely?’

‘AndoneoftheAandE

nursesaskedLilyhowshe

knewme.AndshesaidI’d

givenheralifthomefroma

nightclub.’

Myhandwenttomy

mouth.‘Whatdoesthat

mean?’

‘Theunion’sarguingmy

case.Butiftheyfindagainst

meI’llbesuspended.Or

worse.’Anew,deepfurrow

hadetchedit’swaybetween

hisbrows.

‘Becauseofus.Sam,I’m

sosorry.’

Heshookhishead.‘She

wasn’ttoknow.’

Iwasgoingtostepforward

andholdhimthen,toputmy

armsaroundhim,restmy

faceagainsthis.But

somethingheldmeback:a

sudden,unbiddenimageof

Will,turninghisfaceaway

fromme,unreachableinhis

unhappiness.Ifaltered,thena

secondtoolate,reachedouta

handinsteadandtouched

Sam’sarm.Heglanceddown

atit,frowningslightly,andI

hadtheslightlydiscomfiting

sensationthatheknew

somethingofwhathadjust

passedthroughmyhead.

‘Youcouldalwaysgiveit

upandraiseyourchickens.

Buildyourhouse.’Iheardmy

voice,tryingtoohard.

‘You’vegotoptions!Aman

likeyou.Youcoulddo

anything!’

Hegaveahalf-smilethat

didn’treachhiseyes.Hekept

staringatmyhand.

Westoodthereforan

awkwardmoment.‘I’dbetter

go.Oh,’hesaid,holdingout

aparcel.‘Someoneleftthis

bythedoor.Didn’tthinkit

wouldlastlonginyour

lobby.’

‘Comein,please.’Itookit

fromhim,feelingIhadlet

himdown.‘Letmecookyou

somethingbadly.Comeon.’

‘I’dbettergethome.’

Hewalkedbackdownthe

corridorbeforeIcouldsay

anythingelse.

Fromthewindow,Iwatched

himleave,walkingstiffly

backtohismotorbike,andI

feltamomentarycloudpass

overmeagain.Don’tgettoo

close.AndthenIremembered

Marc’sadviceattheendof

thelastsession:Understand

thatyourgrieving,anxious

brainissimplyrespondingto

cortisolspikes.Itisperfectly

naturaltobefearfulof

gettingclosetoanyone.Some

daysIfeltasifIhadtwo

cartoonadvisersconstantly

arguingoneachsideofmy

head.

InthelivingroomLily

turnedawayfromthe

television.‘Wasthat

AmbulanceSam?’

‘Yup.’

Shewentbacktothe

television.Thentheparcel

grabbedherattention.

‘What’sthat?’

‘Oh.Itwasinthelobby.

It’saddressedtoyou.’

Shestaredsuspiciouslyat

it,asifshewerestilltoo

consciousofthepossibilityof

unpleasantsurprises.Then

shepeeledbackthelayersof

wrappingtorevealaleather-

boundphotographalbum,its

coverembossedwith‘For

Lily(Traynor)’.

Sheopeneditslowly,and

there,onthefirstpage,

coveredwithtissue,wasthe

blackandwhitephotograph

ofababy.Underneathitwas

ahandwrittennote.

Yourfatherweighed9lb

2oz.Iwasabsolutelyfurious

withhimforbeingsobig,as

I’dbeentoldI’dhaveanice

smallone!Hewasavery

crossbabyandkeptme

runningraggedformonths.

Butwhenhesmiled…Oh!

Oldladieswouldcrossthe

roadtoticklehischeeks(he

hatedthis,ofcourse).

Isatdownbesideher.Lily

flickedforwardtwopages

andtherewasWill,inaroyal

blueprep-schooluniformand

cap,scowlingatthecamera.

Thenoteunderneathread:

Willhatedthatschoolcap

somuchthathehiditinthe

dog’sbasket.Thesecond

onehe‘lost’inapond.The

thirdtimehisfather

threatenedtostophis

pocketmoney,buthesimply

tradedfootballcardsuntil

he’dmadeitback.Eventhe

schoolcouldn’tmakehim

wearit–Ithinkhehada

weeklydetentionuntilhe

wasthirteen.

Lilytouchedhisface.‘I

lookedlikehimwhenIwas

small.’

‘Well,’Isaid,‘he’syour

dad.’

Sheallowedherselfasmall

smile,thenturnedtothenext

page.‘Look.Lookatthis

one.’

Inthenextphotographhe

smileddirectlyoutatthe

camera–thesameskiing-

holidaypicturethathadbeen

inhisbedroomwhenwehad

firstmet.Igazedathis

beautifulfaceandthefamiliar

waveofsadnesspassedover

me.Andthen,unexpectedly,

Lilystartedtolaugh.‘Look!

Lookatthisone!’Will,his

facecoveredwithmudaftera

rugbygame,anotherwhere

hewasdressedasadevil,

takingarunningjumpoffa

haystack.Apageofsilliness

–Willasprankster,laughing,

human.Ithoughtofthetyped

sheetMarchadgivenme

afterIhadmissed

IdealizationWeek:Itis

importantnottoturnthedead

intosaints.Nobodycanwalk

intheshadowofasaint.

Iwantedyoutoseeyour

fatherbeforehisaccident.

Hewasfiercelyambitious

andprofessional,yes,butI

alsoremembertimeswhere

heslidoffhischair

laughing,ordancedwith

thedog,orcamehome

coveredwithbruises

becauseofsomeridiculous

dare.Heonceshovedhis

sister’sfaceintoabowlof

sherrytrifle(pictureon

right)becauseshehadsaid

hewouldn’t,andIwanted

tobecrosswithhimasit

hadtakenmesimplyagesto

make,butyoureallycould

neverbecrosswithWillfor

verylong.

No,younevercould.Lily

flickedthroughtheother

pictures,allwithlittlenotes

besidethem.ThisWill,rising

fromthepages,wasnota

two-linepieceina

newspaper,acarefulobituary,

asolemnphotograph

illustratingasadtaleina

long-runninglegaldebate;

thiswasaman–alive,three-

dimensional.Igazedateach

picture,distantlyawareof

eachlumpinmythroatasit

roseandwasovercome.

Acardhadslidoutonto

thefloor.Ipickeditupand

scannedthetwo-line

message.‘Shewantstocome

andseeyou.’

Lilycouldbarelytearher

eyesfromthealbum.

‘Whatdoyouthink,Lily?

Areyouupforit?’

Ittookheramomentto

hearme.‘Idon’tthinkso.I

mean,it’snice,but…’

Themoodchanged.She

closedtheleathercover,putit

neatlytothesideofthesofa

andturnedbacktothe

television.Afewminutes

later,withoutsayingaword,

shemovedupthesofabeside

meandletherheadfallonto

myshoulder.

Thatnight,afterLilyhad

gonetobed,Iemailed

Nathan.

I’msorry.Ican’ttakeit.It’s

alongstory,butIhave

Will’sdaughterlivingwith

meandalothasbeengoing

onandIcan’tupandleave

her.Ihavetodowhat’s

right.I’lltrytoexplainin

brief…

Iended,

Thankyouforthinkingof

me.

IemailedMrGopnik,

thankinghimforhisofferand

statingthatduetoachangein

circumstancesIwasvery

sorrybutIwouldn’tbeable

totakethejob.Iwantedto

writemore,butthehugeknot

inmystomachseemedto

havedrainedalltheenergy

frommyfingertips.

Iwaitedanhourbutneither

ofthemresponded.WhenI

walkedbackintotheempty

livingroomtoturnoffthe

lightsthephotographalbum

wasgone.

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

T H R E E

‘Well,well…Ifitisn’tthe

employeeoftheyear.’

Iputthebagcontainingmy

uniformandwigdownonthe

counter.Thetablesofthe

ShamrockandCloverwere

alreadyfullbybreakfasttime;

aplumpforty-something

businessman,whosedrooping

headsuggestedanearlystart

onthehardstuff,gazed

blearilyupatme,cradlinghis

glassbetweenfathands.Vera

wasatthefarend,angrily

shiftingtablesandpeople’s

feettosweepunderthemasif

shewerechasingmice.

Iwaswearingaman’s

styleblueshirt–itwaseasier

tofeelconfidentifyouwere

wearingmen’sclothes,Ihad

decided–andobserved,

distantly,thatitwasalmost

thesameshadeasRichard’s.

‘Richard–Iwantedtotalkto

youaboutwhathappenedlast

week.’

Aroundustheairportwas

halffullofbank-holiday

passengers;therewerefewer

suitsthanusual,andan

undertowofsmall,crying

children.Behindthetill,a

newbannerofferedthe

chanceto‘GetYourTripOff

toaGoodStart!Coffee,

CroissantandaChaser!’

Richardmovedbriskly

aroundthebar,placingnewly

filledcupsofcoffeeand

plastic-wrappedcerealbars

onatray,hisbrowfurrowed

inconcentration.‘Don’t

bother.Istheuniformclean?’

Hereachedpastmeforthe

plasticbagandpulledoutmy

greendress.Hescannedit

carefullyunderthestrip-

lights,hisfacesetinahalf-

grimace,asifhewereprimed

tospotunsavourymarks.I

halfexpectedhimtosniffit.

‘Ofcourseit’sclean.’

‘Itneedstobeinasuitable

conditionforanewemployee

towear.’

‘Itwaswashedyesterday,’

Isnapped.

Inoticedsuddenlythata

newversionofCelticPan

Pipeswasplaying.Fewer

harpstrings.Heavyonthe

flute.

‘Right.Wehavesome

paperworkinthebackthat

youneedtosign.I’llgoand

getitandyoucandothat

here.Andthenthat’sit.’

‘Maybewecouldjustdo

thissomewhereabitmore…

private?’

RichardPercivaldidn’t

lookatme.‘Toobusy,I’m

afraid.Ihaveahundred

thingstodoandI’monestaff

memberdowntoday.’He

bustledpastmeofficiously,

countingaloudtheremaining

bagsofScampiFrieshanging

bytheoptics.‘Six…seven

…Vera,canyouservethat

gentlemanoverthere,

please?’

‘Yes,well,that’swhatI

wantedtotalktoyouabout.I

waswonderingiftherewas

anywayyou–’

‘Eight…nine…The

wig.’

‘What?’

‘Where’sthewig?’

‘Oh.Here.’Ireachedinto

mybagandpulleditout.I

hadbrusheditbeforeputting

itinitsownbag.Itsat,likea

pieceofblonderoadkill,

waitingtomakesomeother

person’sheaditch.

‘Didyouwashit?’

‘Washthewig?’

‘Yes.It’sunhygienicfor

somebodyelsetoputiton

withoutyouwashingitfirst.’

‘It’smadeofcheaper

syntheticfibresthanacut-

priceBarbie’s.Iassumedit

wouldbasicallymeltina

washing-machine.’

‘Ifit’snotinsuitable

conditionforafuturestaff

membertowear,I’mgoingto

havetochargeyoufora

replacement.’

Istaredathim.‘You’re

chargingmeforthewig?’

Hehelditup,thenstuffed

itbackintothebag.‘Twenty-

eightpoundsforty.Iwill,of

course,provideyouwitha

receipt.’

‘Oh,myGod.Youreally

aregoingtochargemeforthe

wig.’

Ilaughed.Istoodinthe

middleofthecrowded

airport,astheplanestookoff,

andIthoughtaboutwhatmy

lifehadbecomeworkingfor

thisman.Ipulledmypurse

frommypocket.‘Fine,’I

said.‘Twenty-eightpounds

forty,yousay?Tellyouwhat,

I’llroundituptothirty,you

know,toinclude

administrativeexpenses.’

‘Youdon’tneedto–’

Icountedoutthenotes,and

slammedthemontothebarin

frontofhim.‘Youknow

something,Richard?Ilike

working.Ifyou’dlooked

beyondyourbloodytargets

forfiveminutesyouwould

haveseenthatIwas

somebodywhoactually

wantedtodowell.Iworked

hard.Iworeyourhorrific

uniform,eventhoughit

turnedmyhairstaticand

madesmallchildrenjiginthe

streetbehindme.Idid

everythingyouasked,

includingcleaningmen’s

loos,whichI’mprettysure

wasnotinmycontract,and

which,inactualemployment

law,I’msureshouldhave

meanttheprovisionofa

Hazchemsuitatleast.Istood

inforextrashiftswhileyou

searchedfornewbartenders

becauseyou’vealienated

everysinglememberofstaff

whoevercamethroughthis

door,andIhaveupsoldyour

wretcheddry-roastedpeanuts

eventhoughtheysmelllike

someonebreakingwind.

‘ButI’mnotanautomaton.

I’mhumanandIhavealife,

andjustforashortwhileI

hadresponsibilitiesthat

meantIcouldn’tbethe

employeeyou–orI–would

haveliked.Icameheretoday

toaskformyjobback–

actually,tobegformyjob

back,asIstillhave

responsibilitiesandIwanta

job.Ineedajob.ButIjust

realizedIdon’twantthisone.

I’dratherworkforfreethan

spendanotherdayinthis

miserable,soul-destroying

pan-pipe-chuffingbar.I

wouldrathercleantoiletsfor

freethanworkonemoreday

foryou.

‘Sothankyou,Richard.

You’veactuallypromptedmy

firstpositivedecisioninas

longasIcanremember.’I

rammedmypurseintomy

bag,pushedthewigtowards

him,andmadetoleave.‘You

canstickyourjobinthesame

placeyoucanstickthose

peanuts.’Iturnedback.‘Oh,

andthatthingyoudowith

yourhair?Allthatgelstuff

andtheperfectlyeventop

thing?Awful.Itmakesyou

looklikeActionMan.’

Thebusinessmansatupon

hisbarstoolandgavealittle

roundofapplause.Richard’s

handwentinvoluntarilytohis

head.

Iglancedatthe

businessman,thenbackat

Richard.‘Actually,forgetthe

lastbit.Thatwasmean.’

AndIleft.

Iwasstridingacrossthe

concourse,myheartstill

thumping,whenIheardhim.

‘Louisa!Louisa!’

Richardwashalfwalking,

halfrunningbehindme.I

consideredignoringhim,but

finallycametoahaltbythe

perfumeconcession.‘What?’

Isaid.‘DidImissapeanut

crumb?’

Hestopped,puffing

slightly.Hestudiedtheshop

windowforafewseconds,as

ifhewasthinking.Thenhe

facedme.‘You’reright.

Okay?You’reright.’

Istaredathim.

‘TheShamrockand

Clover.It’sahorribleplace.

AndIknowI’venotbeenthe

greatesttoworkfor.ButallI

cantellyouisthat,forevery

miserabledirectiveIgive

you,mynutsarebeing

squeezedtentimesharderby

HeadOffice.Mywifehates

mebecauseI’mneverhome.

Thesuppliershateme

becauseIhavetocuttheir

marginseverysingleweek

becauseofpressurefrom

shareholders.Myregional

managersaysI’m

underperformingonunits

shiftedandifIdon’tpullit

outofthebagI’mgoingto

getsenttotheNorthWales

PassengerFerrybranch.At

whichpointmywifewill

actuallyleaveme.AndI

won’tblameher.

‘Ihatemanagingpeople.I

havethesocialskillsofa

lamppost,whichiswhyI

can’thangontoanyone.Vera

onlystaysbecauseshehasthe

skinofarhinoandIsuspect

she’ssecretlyaftermyjob.

Sothere–I’msorry.I’d

actuallyquiteliketogiveyou

yourjobbackbecause,

whateverIsaidearlier,you

wereprettygood.Customers

likedyou.’

Hesighed,andlookedout

overthemillingcrowds

aroundus.‘Butyouknow

what,Louisa?Youshouldget

outwhileyoucan.You’re

pretty,you’resmart,

hardworking–youcouldget

somethingwaybetterthan

this.IfIwasn’tlockedintoa

mortgagethatIcanbarely

afford,ababyonthewayand

paymentstomakeona

frickingHondaCivicthat

makesmefeelabout120

yearsold,believeme,I’dbe

takingoffoutofherefaster

thanoneofthoseplanes.’He

heldoutahandwitha

payslip.‘Yourholidaypay.

Nowgo.Seriously,Louisa.

Getout.’

Ilookeddownatthelittle

brownenvelopeinmyhand.

Aroundusthepassengers

movedatacrawl,pausingat

outletwindows,checkingfor

vanishedpassports,oblivious

towhatwasgoingonintheir

midst.AndIknew,witha

wearyinevitability,whatwas

goingtohappen.

‘Richard?Thanksforthat,

but…couldIstillhavethe

job?Evenifit’sjustforabit?

Idoactuallyreallyneedit.’

Richardlookedasifhe

couldn’tbelievewhatIwas

saying.Thenheletoutasigh.

‘Ifyoucoulddoacoupleof

monthsitwouldbeamassive

relief.I’mrightupthe

proverbialcreekhere.Infact,

ifyoucouldstartnowIcould

makeitovertothe

wholesalerstopickupthe

newbeermats.’

Weswappedplaces;alittle

waltzofmutual

disappointment.

‘I’llcallhome,’Isaid.

‘Oh.Here,’hesaid.We

gazedateachotheramoment

longer,andthenhehanded

metheplasticbagcontaining

myuniform.‘Iguessyou’ll

beneedingthis.’

RichardandIsettledintoa

routineofsorts.Hetreated

mewithalittlemore

consideration,onlyaskingme

todotheGentsonthedays

whenNoah,thenewcleaner,

failedtoturnup,not

commentingifhethoughtI

wasspendingtoolongtalking

tocustomers(evenifhedid

lookabitpained).InturnI

wascheerfulandpunctual

andcarefultoupsellwhenI

could.Ifeltanodd

responsibilitytowardshis

nuts.

Onedayhetookmetoone

sideandsaidthat,whileit

waspossiblyalittle

premature,HeadOfficehad

toldhimtheywerelookingto

elevateoneofthepermanent

stafftoanassistant

managerialpositionandif

thingscarriedonastheywere

hefeltverymuchinclinedto

putmynameforward.(‘I

can’triskpromotingVera.

She’dputfloorcleanerinmy

teatogetmyjob.’)Ithanked

himandtriedtolookmore

delightedthanIfelt.

Lily,meanwhile,askedSamir

forajob,andhesaidhe

wouldtakeherforahalf-

day’strialifshewoulddoit

forfree.Ihandedheracoffee

atseventhirty,andmadesure

shelefttheflatdressedand

readyintimeforhereight

o’clockstart.WhenIreturned

homethatevening,shehad

apparentlygotthejob,albeit

on£2.73anhour,whichI

discoveredwasthelowest

ratehecouldlegallypayher.

Shehadspentmostoftheday

movingcratesintheback

storeroomandputtingprices

ontinswithanancientsticker

gun,whileSamirandhis

cousinwatchedfootballon

hisiPad.Shewasfilthyand

exhausted,butcuriously

happy.‘IfIlastamonthhe

sayshe’llconsiderputtingme

onthetill.’

Ihadashiftchange,soon

Thursdayafternoonwedrove

toLily’sparents’houseinSt

John’sWood,andIwaitedin

thecarwhileLilywentinand

collectedsomemoreclothes

andtheKandinskyprintthat

shehadpromisedwouldlook

goodinmyflat.Sheemerged

twentyminuteslater,herface

furiousandclosed.Tanya

walkedoutintotheporch,her

armsfolded,watching

silentlyasLilyopenedthe

bootandthrewinan

overstuffedholdalland,more

carefully,theprint.Thenshe

climbedintothefrontseat

andgazedstraightaheadat

theemptyroad.AsTanya

closedthedoorbehindher,

therewasasmallpossibility

thatshewaswipinghereyes.

Iputmykeyintothe

ignition.

‘WhenIgrowup,’Lily

said,andperhapsonlyIcould

havedetectedthefainttremor

inhervoice,‘Iamnotgoing

tobeanythinglikemy

mother.’

Iwaitedamoment,then

startedthecarandwedrove

insilencebacktomyflat.

Fancythepicturestonight?

Icoulddowithsome

escapism.

Idon’tthinkIshould

leaveLily.

Bringher?

I’dbetternot.Sorry,Sam

ThateveningIfoundLilyout

onthefireescape.Shelooked

upatthesoundofthe

windowopeningandwaveda

cigarette.‘Thoughtitwasa

bitmeantokeepsmokingin

yourflat,giventhatyou

don’t.’

Iwedgedthewindowopen,

climbedoutcarefully,andsat

downontheironstepsbeside

her.Belowusthecarpark

simmeredintheAugustheat,

thescentofhottarmacrising

intothestillair.Acarwith

thebonnetupthumpedbass

fromitssoundsystem.The

metalofthestepsretainedthe

warmthofamonthofsunny

afternoonsandIleanedback,

closingmyeyes.

‘Ithoughtitwouldallwork

out,’Lilysaid.

Iopenedthem.

‘IthoughtifIcouldjustget

Petertogoawayallmy

problemswouldbesolved.I

thoughtifIcouldfindmydad

IwouldfeellikeIbelonged

somewhere.AndnowPeter’s

gone,andGarside’sgone,

andIknowaboutmydadand

Ihaveyou.Butnothingfeels

likeIexpected.’

Iwasabouttotellhernot

tobesilly.Iwasaboutto

pointoutthatshehadcome

suchalongwayinashort

time,thatshehadherfirst

job,prospects,abrightfuture

–thestandardadult

responses.Buttheysounded

triteandpatronizing.

Attheendoftheroada

bunchofofficeworkers

huddledroundametaltable

bythepub’sreardoor.Later

tonightitwouldbepacked

withhipstersandstraysfrom

theCity,spillingoutwith

drinksacrossthepavement,

theirraucouscallsfilteringin

throughmyopenwindow.‘I

knowwhatyoumean,’Isaid.

‘I’vebeenwaitingtofeel

normalagainsinceyourdad

died.IfeellikeI’mbasically

goingthroughthemotions.

I’mstillinacrappyjob.Istill

liveinthisflat,whichIdon’t

thinkisevergoingtofeellike

home.Ihadanear-death

experience,butIcan’tsayit

gavemewisdomorgratitude

forlifeoranything.Igotoa

grief-counsellinggroupfull

ofpeoplewhoareasstuckas

Iam.ButIhaven’treally

doneanything.’

Lilythoughtaboutthis.

‘Youhelpedme.’

‘That’sprettymuchthe

onethingIhangontomost

days.’

‘Andyouhavea

boyfriend.’

‘He’snotmyboyfriend.’

‘Sure,Louisa.’

Wewatchedthetraffic

crawldowntowardstheCity.

Lilytookafinaldragofher

cigarette,andstubbeditout

onthemetalstep.

‘That’smynextthing,’I

said.

Shehadthegracetolook

slightlyguilty.‘Iknow.Iwill

stop.Ipromise.’

Acrosstherooftopsthesun

hadstartedtoslide,itsorange

glowdiffusedbythelead-

greyairoftheCityevening.

‘Youknow,Lily,perhaps

somethingsjusttakelonger

thanothers.Ithinkwe’llget

there,though.’

Shelinkedherarmthrough

mineandletherheadreston

myshoulder.Wewatchedthe

sun’sgentlefall,andthe

lengtheningshadows

creepingtowardsus,andI

thoughtabouttheNewYork

skylineandthatnobodywas

trulyfree.Perhapsall

freedom–physical,personal

–onlycameatthecostof

somebodyorsomethingelse.

Thesunvanished,andthe

orangeskybegantoturn

petrol-blue.Whenwestood

up,Lilysmoothedherskirt,

thengazedatthepacketin

herhand.Shepulledthe

remainingcigarettesabruptly

fromthewrapperand

snappedtheminhalf,then

flungthemintotheair,a

confettioftobaccoandwhite

paper.Shelookedatme

triumphantlyandheldupher

hand.‘There.Iamofficiallya

smoke-freezone.’

‘Justlikethat.’

‘Whynot?Yousaidit

mighttakelongerthanwe

thought.Well,that’smyfirst

step.What’syours?’

‘Oh,God.MaybeI’ll

persuadeRichardtoletme

stopwearingthatgodawful

nylonwig.’

‘Thatwouldbean

excellentfirststep.Itwould

benicenottogetanelectric

shockoffeverydoorhandle

inyourflat.’

Hersmilewasinfectious.I

tooktheemptycigarette

packetfromherbeforeshe

couldlitterthecarparkwith

thattoo,andstoodbackso

shecouldclimbthroughthe

window.Shestoppedand

turnedtome,asifshehad

suddenlythoughtof

something.‘Youknow,

fallinginlovewithsomeone

elsedoesn’tmeanthatyou

lovedmydadanyless.You

don’thavetobesadjustto

stayconnectedtohim.’

Istaredather.

‘It’sjustathought.’She

shruggedandclimbedbackin

throughthewindow.

Iwokethenextdaytofind

thatLilyhadalreadygoneto

work.She’dleftanotesaying

shewouldbringsomebread

homeatlunchtimeaswe

wereabitshort.Ihaddrunk

somecoffee,hadbreakfast

andputonmytrainerstogo

forawalk(Marc:‘exerciseis

asgoodforyourspiritasitis

foryourbody!’)whenmy

mobilerang–anumberI

didn’trecognize.

‘Hello!’

Ittookmeaminute.

‘Mum?’

‘Lookoutyourwindow!’

Iwalkedacrosstheliving

roomandgazedout.My

motherwasonthepavement

wavingvigorously.

‘What–whatareyou

doinghere?Where’sDad?’

‘He’sathome.’

‘IsGranddadokay?’

‘Granddad’sfine.’

‘Butyounevercometo

Londonbyyourself.You

don’tevengopastthepetrol

stationwithoutDadintow.’

‘Well,itwasabouttimeI

changed,wasn’tit?ShallI

comeup?Idon’twanttouse

upalltheminutesonmynew

phone.’

Ibuzzedherin,andwent

aroundthelivingroom,

clearingtheworstoflast

night’sdishes,andbythe

timeshereachedthedoorI

wasstandingthere,arms

open,readytogreether.

Shewaswearinghergood

anorak,herhandbagslung

satchel-styleoverher

shoulder(‘Harderfor

muggerstosnatchit’)andher

hairstyledintosoftwaves

aroundherneck.Shewas

beaming,herlipscarefully

outlinedincoral-pink

lipstick,andclutchingthe

familyA–Z,whichdatedback

tosometimearound1983.

‘Ican’tbelieveyoucame

byyourself.’

‘Isn’titwonderful?I

actuallyfeelquitegiddy.I

toldayoungmanonthetube

thatitwasthefirsttimeI’d

beenontheUndergroundin

thirtyyearswithoutsomeone

holdingmyhand,andhe

movedafullfourseatsdown

thecarriage.Igotquite

hystericalwithlaughter.Will

youputthekettleon?’She

sat,pullingoffhercoat,and

gazedatthewallsaroundher.

‘Wellnow.Thegreenis…

interesting.’

‘Lily’schoice.’Iwondered

fleetinglyifherarrivalwas

somegreatjokeandDadwas

abouttobarrelinthroughmy

frontdoor,laughingatwhata

greateejitIwas,believing

Josiewouldcomeanywhere

byherself.Iputamugin

frontofher.‘Idon’t

understand.Whydidyou

comewithoutDad?’

Shetookasipofthetea.

‘Oh,that’slovely.You

alwaysdidmakethebestcup

oftea.’Sheputitonthetable,

carefullyslidingapaperback

bookunderitfirst.‘Well,I

wokeupthismorningandI

thoughtaboutallthethingsI

hadtodo–putawashon,

cleanthebackwindows,

changeGranddad’sbedding,

buytoothpaste–andIjust

suddenlythought,Nope.I

can’tdoit.I’mnotgoingto

wasteagloriousSaturday

doingthesamethingI’ve

doneforthirtyyears.I’m

goingtohaveanadventure.’

‘Anadventure.’

‘SoIthoughtwecouldgo

toashow.’

‘Ashow.’

‘Yes–ashow.Louisa,

haveyouturnedintoaparrot?

MrsCousinsfromthe

insurancebrokerssaysthere’s

astallinLeicesterSquare

whereyoucanbuycheap

ticketsonthedayforshows

thataren’tfull.Iwas

wonderingifyou’dliketo

comewithme.’

‘WhataboutTreena?’

Mumwavedahand.‘Oh,

shewasbusy.Sowhatdoyou

say?Shallwegoandseeif

wecangetsometickets?’

‘I’llhavetotellLily.’

‘Thengoandtellher.I’ll

finishmytea,youcando

somethingwiththathairof

yours,andwe’llheadoff.

I’vegotaone-daytravelcard,

youknow!Imightjusthop

onandofftheUnderground

allday!’

Wegothalf-priceticketsto

BillyElliot.Itwasthatora

Russiantragedy,andMum

saidshe’dbeenfunnyabout

Russianssincesomeonehad

givenhercoldbeetrootsoup

andtriedtopretendthatwas

howtheRussiansateit.

Shesatraptbesidemefor

theentireperformance,

nudgingmeandmutteringat

intervals,‘Irememberthe

actualminers’strike,Louisa.

Itwasveryhardonthose

poorfamilies.Margaret

Thatcher!Doyouremember

her?Oh,shewasaterrible

woman.Alwayshadanice

handbag,though.’Whenthe

youngBillyflewintotheair,

apparentlyfuelledbyhis

ambitions,sheweptquietly

besideme,afreshwhite

handkerchiefpressedtoher

nose.

Iwatchedtheboy’sdance

teacher,MrsWilkinson,a

womanwhoseambitionshad

neverliftedherbeyondthe

confinesofthetown,and

triednottoseeanythingof

myownlife.Iwasawoman

withajobandasort-of-

boyfriend,sittinginaWest

EndtheatreonaSaturday

afternoon.Itottedthese

thingsupasiftheywerelittle

victoriesagainstsomefoeI

couldn’tquiteidentify.

Weemergedintothe

afternoonlightdazedand

emotionallyspent.‘Right,’

saidMum,tuckingher

handbagfirmlyunderherarm

(somehabitsdiehard).‘Tea

atahotel.C’mon.We’ll

makeadayofit.’

Wecouldn’tgetintoanyof

thegrandones,butwefound

anicehotelnearHaymarket

withateaselectionthatMum

approvedof.Sheaskedfora

tableinthemiddleofthe

roomandsatthereremarking

oneverypersonwhowalked

in,notingtheirdress,whether

theylookedliketheycame

from‘abroad’,theirlackof

wisdominbringingsmall

children,orlittledogsthat

lookedlikerats.

‘Well,lookatus!’she

wouldexclaimeverynowand

then,whenitgrewquiet.

‘Isn’tthisnice?’

WeorderedEnglish

Breakfasttea(Mum:‘That’s

justposhfornormaltea,yes?

Noneofthoseweird

flavours?’)andthe

‘AfternoonTeaFancyPlate’

andweatetinycrustless

sandwiches,littlesconesthat

weren’tasgoodasMum

madeandcakesingoldfoil.

Mumtalkedforhalfanhour

aboutBillyElliotandhowshe

thoughtweshouldalldothis

onceamonthorsoandshe

betthatmyfatherwouldlove

itifwecouldgethimdown

here.

‘HowisDad?’

‘Oh,he’sfine.Youknow

yourfather.’

Iwantedtoask,butwas

tooafraid.WhenIlookedup,

shewasgazingatmealittle

beadily.‘Andno,Louisa,I

amnotdoingmylegs.And,

no,he’snothappy.Butthere

aremoreimportantthingsin

life.’

‘Whatdidhesayaboutyou

comingheretoday?’

Shesnorted,andcoveredit

upwithalittlecoughingfit.

‘Hedidn’tbelieveIwas

goingto.Itoldhimaboutit

whenIbroughthimuphistea

thismorning,andhestarted

tolaugh,andifI’mhonest

withyouitannoyedmeso

muchIgotdressedandIjust

went.’

Myeyeswidened.‘You

didn’ttellhim?’

‘Ialreadyhadtoldhim.

He’sbeenleavingmessages

onthisphonethingallday,

theeejit.’Shepeeredatthe

screen,thentuckeditneatly

backintoherpocket.

Isatandwatchedherfork

anotherlittlesconedelicately

ontoherplate.Sheclosedher

eyesinpleasureasshetooka

bite.‘Thisisjustmarvellous.’

Iswallowed.‘Mum,you’re

notgoingtogetdivorced,are

you?’

Hereyesshotopen.

‘Divorced?I’magood

Catholicgirl,Louisa.We

don’tdivorce.Wejustmake

ourmensufferforall

eternity!’

Ipaidthebill,andwe

disappearedtotheLadies,a

cavernousroomofwalnut-

colouredmarbleand

expensiveflowers,overseen

byasilentattendantwho

stoodbythebasins.Mum

washedherhandstwice,

thoroughly,thensniffedthe

varioushandlotionslinedup

againstthesink,pullingfaces

inthemirrordependingon

whatsheliked.‘Ishouldn’t

sayso,givenmyopposition

tothepatriarchyandall,butI

dowishoneofyougirlshada

niceman.’

‘I’vemetsomeone,’Isaid,

beforeIrealizedI’dsaidit.

Sheturnedtome,alotion

bottleinherhand.‘You

haven’t!’

‘He’saparamedic.’

‘Well,that’ssmashing.A

paramedic!That’salmostas

usefulasaplumber.Sowhen

arewegoingtomeethim?’

Ifaltered.‘Meethim?I’m

notsureit’s…’

‘It’swhat?’

‘Well.Imean,it’searly

days.I’mnotsureit’sthat

kindof–’

Mymotherunscrewedthe

lidofherlipstickandstared

intothemirror.‘It’sjustfor

sex,isthatwhatyou’re

saying?’

‘Mum!’Iglancedatthe

attendant.

‘Well,whatareyou

saying?’

‘I’mnotsureI’mreadyfor

arealrelationshipjustyet.’

‘Why?Whatelsehaveyou

gotgoingon?Thoseovaries

won’tgointhefreezer,you

know.’

‘Sowhydidn’tTreena

come?’Isaid,hurriedly

changingthesubject.

‘Shecouldn’tfindasitter

forThom.’

‘Yousaidshewasbusy.’

Mum’seyesdartedacross

tomyreflection.Shepressed

herlipstogetherandsnapped

herlipstickbackintoher

handbag.‘Sheseemstobea

littlecrosswithyouright

now,Louisa.’Sheactivated

MaternalX-rayVision.‘Have

youtwohadafallingout?’

‘Idon’tknowwhyshe

alwayshastohaveopinions

abouteverythingIdo.’I

heardmyownvoice,the

sulkytonesofatwelve-year-

old.

Shefixedmewithalook.

SoItoldher.Isatupon

themarblebasin,andMum

tooktheeasychair,andItold

heraboutthejobofferand

whyIcouldn’tpossiblytake

it,howwehadlostLilyand

foundheragain,andhowshe

wasfinallybeginningto

comeoutoftheotherside.

‘I’vearrangedforhertomeet

MrsTraynoragain.Sowe’re

movingforward.ButTreena

justwon’tlisten,althoughif

Thomweregoingthrough

halfthesamethingshe’dbe

thefirstpersonsayingI

couldn’twalkawayfrom

him.’

Ifeltrelievedtellingmy

mother.She,ofallpeople,

wouldunderstandthetiesof

responsibility.‘Sothat’swhy

she’snottalkingtome.’

Mymotherwasstaringat

me.

‘Jesus,Mary,andJoseph,

haveyoulostyourmind?’

‘What?’

‘AjobinNewYorkwith

allthetrimmingsandyou’re

stickingaroundheretowork

inthatgodawfulplaceatthe

airport?Didyouhearthis?’

Sheturnedtotheattendant.‘I

can’tbelieveshe’smyown

daughter.HonesttoGod,I

wonderwhathappenedtothe

brainsshewasbornwith.’

Theattendantshookher

headslowly.‘Nogood,’she

said.

‘Mum!I’mdoingtheright

thing!’

‘Forwhom?’

‘ForLily!’

‘Youthinknobodyother

thanyoucouldhavehelped

getthatgirlbackonherfeet?

Well,didyouspeaktothis

chapinNewYorkandask

himwhetheryoucoulddefer

thejobofferafewweeks?’

‘It’snotthatkindofajob.’

‘Howwouldyouknow?

Youdon’task,youdon’tget.

Isn’tthatright?’

Theattendantnodded

slowly.

‘Oh,Jesus.WhenIthink

aboutit…’

Theattendantgavemy

motherahandtowelandshe

fannedherneckvigorously

withit.‘Listentome,Louisa.

I’vegotonebrilliantdaughter

stuckathomeweigheddown

withresponsibilitybecause

shemadeabadchoiceearly

on–notthatIdon’tlove

Thomtobits,butI’lltellyou,

Iwanttocrymyheartout

whenIthinkofwhatTreena

couldhavebecomeifshe’d

justhadthatboyabitlater.

I’mstucklookingafteryour

fatherandGranddad,and

that’sfine.I’mfindingmy

way.Butthisshouldnotbe

themostyouhavetolook

forwardtoinyourlife,you

hearme?Notabunchofhalf-

priceticketsandafancytea

everynowandthen.You

shouldbeoutthere!You’re

theonepersoninourfamily

withanactualruddychance!

Andtohearyou’vejust

chuckeditawayforthesake

ofsomegirlyoubarelyeven

know!’

‘Ididtherightthing,

Mum.’

‘Maybeyoudid.Ormaybe

itwasn’tactuallyaneither/or

situation.’

‘Youdon’task,youdon’t

get,’saidtheattendant.

‘There!Thisladyknows.

Youneedtogetbackthere

andaskthisAmerican

gentlemanisthereanyway

youcancomealongabitlater

…Don’tyoulookatmelike

that,Louisa.I’vebeentoo

softonyou.Ihaven’tpushed

youwhenIshouldhavedone.

Youneedtogetyourselfout

ofthatdead-endjobofyours

andstartliving.’

‘Thejobisgone,Mum.’

‘Gonemypearly-handled

backsideitis.Haveyou

actuallyaskedthem?’

Ishookmyhead.

Mumhuffedandadjusted

thescarfaroundherneck.

Shepulledtwopoundcoins

fromherpurseandpressed

themintothehandofthe

attendant.‘Well,Ihaveto

say,haven’tyoudoneagrand

job!Youcouldeatyour

supperoffthisfloor.Andit

allsmellssimplygorgeous.’

Theattendantsmiledather

warmly,andthen,almostas

anafterthought,heldupa

finger.Shepeeredoutofthe

door,thenwalkedtoher

cupboard,unlockingitswiftly

withabunchofkeys.She

emergedandpressedabarof

floralsoapintoMum’shands.

Mumsniffeditandsighed.

‘Well,thatisjustheaven.Just

alittlepieceofheaven.’

‘Foryou.’

‘Forme?’

ThewomanclosedMum’s

handsaroundit.

‘Well,aren’tyouthe

kindest?MayIaskyour

name?’

‘Maria.’

‘Maria,I’mJosie.I’m

goingtomakesureIcome

backtoLondonanduseyour

toilettheverynexttimeI’m

here.Doyouseethat,

Louisa?Whoknowswhat

happenswhenyoubreakout

alittle?How’sthatforan

adventure?AndIgotthe

mostgorgeousbarofsoap

frommylovelynewfriend

Mariahere!’Theyclasped

handswiththefervencyof

oldacquaintancesabouttobe

parted,andweleftthehotel.

Icouldn’ttellher.Icouldn’t

tellherthatthatjobhaunted

mefromthemomentIwoke

untilIwenttosleep.

WhateverIsaidtoanyone

else,IknewIwouldalways

regrettomybonesmissing

thechancetoliveandworkin

NewYork.Thatnomatter

howmuchItoldmyselfthere

wouldbeotherchances,other

places,thiswouldbethelost

opportunityIcarried,likea

cheaphandbagIregretted

buying,whereverIwent.

Andsureenough,afterI

hadwavedheroffonthetrain

tomy,nodoubt,bemusedand

blusteringfather,andlong

afterIhadmadeasaladfor

LilyfrombitsthatSamhad

leftinthefridge,whenI

checkedmyemailthatnight

therewasamessagefrom

Nathan.

Ican’tsayIagree,butIdo

getwhatyou’redoing.I

guessWillwouldhavebeen

proudofyou.You’reagood

person,Clarkx

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

F O U R

ThesearethethingsIlearned

aboutbeingaparent,while

notactuallybeingaparent.

Thatwhateveryoudidyou

wouldprobablybewrong.If

youwerecruelordismissive

orneglectful,youwould

leavescarsuponyourcharge.

Ifyouweresupportiveand

loving,encouragingand

praisingthemforeventheir

smallestachievements–

gettingoutofbedontime,

say,ormanagingnotto

smokeforawholeday–it

wouldruinthemindifferent

ways.Ilearnedthatifyou

wereadefactoparentall

thesethingsappliedbutyou

hadnoneofthenatural

authorityyoumight

reasonablyexpectwhen

feedingandlookingafter

anotherperson.

Withallthisinmind,I

loadedLilyintothecaron

mydayoffandannounced

thatweweregoingtolunch.

Itwouldprobablygohorribly

wrong,Itoldmyself,butat

leasttherewouldbetwoofus

theretoshoulderit.

BecauseLilywassobusy

staringatherphone,withher

earphonespluggedin,itwas

agoodfortyminutesbefore

shelookedoutthecar

window.Shefrownedaswe

approachedasignpost.‘This

isn’tthewaytoyourmum

anddad’s.’

‘Iknow.’

‘Thenwherearewe

going?’

‘Itoldyou.Tolunch.’

Whenshehadstaredatme

longenoughtoacceptthatI

wasn’tgoingtoelaborate,she

squintedoutthewindowfora

while.‘God,you’reannoying

sometimes.’

Halfanhourlaterwe

pulledupattheCrownand

Garter,ared-brickhotelsetin

twoacresofparkland,about

twentyminutessouthof

Oxford.Neutralterritory,I

haddecided,wastheway

forward.Lilyclimbedoutand

shutthedooremphatically

enoughtosendmethe

messagethatthiswas

actuallystillquiteannoying.

Iignoredher,putonaslick

oflipstickandwalkedinto

therestaurant,lettingLily

follow.

MrsTraynorwasalreadyat

atable.WhenLilysawher,

sheletoutalittlegroan.

‘Whyarewedoingthis

again?’

‘Becausethingschange,’I

said,andpropelledher

forwards.

‘Lily.’MrsTraynorroseto

herfeet.Shehadevidently

beentoahairdresser,andher

hairwasonceagain

beautifullycutandblow-

dried.Shewaswearinga

littlemake-up,too,andthose

twothingsconspiredtomake

herlookliketheMrsTraynor

ofold:self-possessed,

someonewhounderstoodthat

appearanceswere,ifnot

everything,atleastthe

foundationofsomething.

‘Hello,MrsTraynor.’

‘Hi,’Lilymumbled.She

didn’treachoutahand,but

positionedherselfattheseat

besidemine.

MrsTraynorregistered

this,butgaveabriefsmile,

satdownandsummonedthe

waiter.‘Thisrestaurantwas

oneofyourfather’s

favourites,’shesaid,placing

hernapkinonherlap.‘Onthe

rareoccasionsIcould

persuadehimtoleave

London,thisiswherewe

wouldmeet.It’srathergood

food.Michelin-starred.’

Ilookedatthemenu–

turbotquenelleswitha

frangipaneofmusselsand

langoustine,smokedduck

breastwithcavaloneroand

Israelicouscous–andhoped

verymuchthatasMrs

Traynorhadsuggestedthis

restaurantshewouldpay.

‘Itlooksabitfussy,’said

Lily,notliftingherheadfrom

themenu.

IglancedatMrsTraynor.

‘That’sexactlywhatWill

saidtoo.Butitisverygood.I

thinkI’llhavethequail.’

‘I’llhavetheseabass,’

Lilysaid,andclosedthe

leather-boundmenu.

Istaredatthelistinfront

ofme.Therewasnothing

hereIevenrecognized.What

wasrutabaga?Whatwas

ravioliofbonemarrowand

samphire?IwonderedifI

couldaskforasandwich.

‘Areyoureadytoorder?’

Thewaiterappearedbeside

me.Iwaitedastheothers

reeledofftheirchoices.Then

IspottedawordIrecognized

frommytimeinParis.‘CanI

havethejouesdeboeuf

confites?’

‘Withthepotatognocchi

andasparagus?Certainly,

Madame.’

Beef,Ithought.Icando

beef.

Wetalkedofsmallthings

whilewaitingforourstarters.

ItoldMrsTraynorthatIwas

stillworkingattheairportbut

wasbeingconsideredfora

promotionandtriedtomake

itsoundlikeapositivecareer

choiceratherthanacryfor

help.ItoldherLilyhadfound

ajob,andwhensheheard

whatLilywasdoing,Mrs

Traynordidn’tshudder,asI

hadsecretlybeenafraidshe

might,butnodded.‘That

soundseminentlysensible.It

neverhurtstogetyourhands

dirtywhenyou’restarting

out.’

‘It’snotgotanyprospects,’

Lilysaidfirmly.‘Unlessyou

countbeingallowedtomove

ontothetill.’

‘Well,neitherdoeshaving

apaperround.Butyour

fatherdidthatfortwoyears

beforeheleftschool.Itinstils

aworkethic.’

‘Andpeoplealwaysneed

tinsoffrankfurters,’I

observed.

‘Dotheyreally?’saidMrs

Traynor,andlookedbriefly

appalled.

Wewatchedasanother

tablewasseatedbesideus,an

elderlywomanloweredwith

muchfussandexclamation

intoachairbytwomale

relatives.

‘Wegotyourphotograph

album,’Isaid.

‘Oh,youdid!Ihad

wondered.Did…didyou

likeit?’

Lily’seyesflickered

towardsher.‘Itwasnice,

thankyou,’shesaid.

MrsTraynortookasipof

herwater.‘Iwantedtoshow

youanothersideofWill.I

feelsometimesasifhislife

hasbeenrathertakenoverby

whathappenedwhenhedied.

Ijustwantedtoshowthathe

wasmorethanawheelchair.

Morethanthemannerofhis

death.’

Therewasabriefsilence.

‘Itwasnice,thankyou,’

Lilyrepeated.

Ourfoodarrived,andLily

grewsilentagain.Thewaiters

hoveredofficiously,filling

waterglasseswhentheir

levelsfellbyacentimetre.A

breadboardwasoffered,

removedandre-offeredfive

minuteslater.Therestaurant

filledwithpeoplelikeMrs

Traynor:well-dressed,well-

spoken,peopleforwhom

turbotquenelleswasa

standardlunchandnota

conversationalminefield.Mrs

Traynoraskedaftermy

family,andspokewarmlyof

myfather.‘Hedidsucha

verygoodjobatthecastle.’

‘Itmustbestrange,not

goingback,’Isaid,then

wincedinternally,wondering

ifI’dbreachedsomeinvisible

line.

ButMrsTraynorjustgazed

atthetableclothinfrontof

her.‘Itis,’sheagreed,and

nodded,hersmilealittle

tighter,thendranksomemore

water.

Theconversationcarried

onlikethisthroughour

starters(smokedsalmonfor

Lily,saladforMrsTraynor

andme),stallingandmoving

forwardinfitsandstarts,like

someonelearningtodrivea

car.Itwaswithsomerelief

thatIsawthewaiterapproach

withourmaincourses.My

smiledisappearedashe

placedmyplateinfrontof

me.Itdidnotlooklikebeef.

Itlookedlikesoggybrown

discsinathickbrownsauce.

‘I’msorry,’Isaidtothe

waiter.‘Iorderedthebeef?’

Helethisgazehangonme

foramoment.‘Thisisthe

beef,Madame.’

Webothstaredatmyplate.

‘Jouesdeboeuf?’hesaid.

‘Beefcheeks?’

Webothstaredatmyplate

andmystomachdidalittle

flip.

‘Oh,ofcourse,’Isaid.‘I–

yes.Beefcheeks.Thankyou.’

Beefcheeks.Iwastoo

afraidtoaskfromwhichend

theycame.Iwasn’tsure

whichwouldbeworse.I

smiledatMrsTraynor,and

setaboutnibblingmy

gnocchi.

Weateinnearsilence.Mrs

TraynorandIwereboth

runningoutofconversational

options.Lilyspokelittle,and

whenshedidsaysomethingit

wasspiky,asifshewere

testinghergrandmother.She

toyedwithherfood,a

reluctantteendraggedalong

toatoo-fancylunchwiththe

grown-ups.Iateminein

smallforkfuls,tryingnotto

listentothelittlevoicethat

keptsqueakinginmyear:

You’reeatingcheeks!Actual

cheeks!

Eventuallyweordered

coffee.Whenthewaiterhad

gone,MrsTraynorremoved

hernapkinandputitonthe

table.‘Ican’tdothisany

longer.’

Lily’sheadlifted.She

lookedatmeandbackatMrs

Traynor.

‘Thefoodisveryniceand

it’slovelyhearingaboutyour

jobsandall,butthisreally

isn’tgoingtomoveus

forward,isit?’

Iwonderedifshewas

goingtoleave,whetherLily

hadpushedhertoofar.Isaw

thesurpriseinLily’sfaceand

realizedshewasthinkingit

too.ButinsteadMrsTraynor

pushedawayhercupand

saucer,andleanedforward

overthetable.‘Lily,Ididn’t

cometoimpressyouwitha

fancylunch.Icametosay

I’msorry.It’shardtoexplain

howIwaswhenyouturned

upthatday,butthat

unfortunatemeetingwasnot

yourfault,andIwantto

apologizethatyour

introductiontothissideof

yourfamilyhasbeenso…

inadequate.’

Thewaiterapproached

withthecoffee,andMrs

Traynorliftedherhand

withoutturning.‘Canyou

leaveusfortwominutes,

please?’

Hebackedawayswiftly

withhistray.Isatverystill.

MrsTraynor,herfacetaut

andhervoiceurgent,tooka

breath.‘Lily,Ilostmyson–

yourfather–andintruthI

probablylosthimsometime

beforehedied.Hisdeathtook

awayeverythingmylifewas

builton:myroleasamother,

myfamily,mycareer,even

myfaith.Ihavefelt,frankly,

asifIdescendedintoadark

hole.Buttodiscoverthathe

hadadaughter–thatIhavea

granddaughter–hasmademe

thinkallmightnotbelost.’

Sheswallowed.

‘I’mnotgoingtosaythat

you’vereturnedpartofhimto

me,becausethatwouldn’tbe

faironyou.Youare,asI’ve

alreadygrasped,verymuch

yourownperson.You’ve

broughtmeawholenew

persontocareabout.Ihope

you’llgivemeasecond

chance,Lily.BecauseI

wouldverymuchlike–no,

dammit–Iwouldloveforus

tospendtimetogether.

Louisatellsmeyou’rea

strongcharacter.Well,you

shouldknowthatitrunsin

yourfamily.Sowe’ll

probablybuttheadsafew

times,justasIdidwithyour

father.Butessentially,if

nothingelsecomesoftoday,

youmustknowthis.’

ShetookLily’shandand

grippedit.‘I’msoveryglad

toknowyou.You’vechanged

everythingsomuchsimply

byexisting.Mydaughter,

yourauntGeorgina,isflying

overnextmonthtomeetyou,

andhasalreadybeenaskingif

thetwoofusmightgooverto

Sydneyandstaywithherat

somepoint.Ihavealetter

fromherforyouinmy

handbag.’

Hervoicedropped.‘Iknow

wecannevermakeupfor

yourfathernotbeinghere,

andIknowI’mnot–well,

I’mstillclimbingoutof

thingsrather–but…doyou

think…perhaps….you

couldfindsomeroomfora

ratherdifficultgrandmother?’

Lilystaredather.

‘Mightyouatleast…give

itago?’

MrsTraynor’svoice

crackedslightlyonthelast

sentence.Therewasalong

silence.Icouldhearthe

beatingofmyheartinmy

ears.Lilylookedatme,and

afterwhatseemedlikean

eternity,shelookedbackat

MrsTraynor.‘Wouldyou…

wouldyouwantmetocome

andstaywithyou?’

‘Ifyouwantedto.Yes,I

wouldlikethatverymuch.’

‘When?’

‘Whencanyoucome?’

I’dneverseenCamilla

Traynoranythinglessthan

composed,butatthatmoment

herfacecrumpled.Herother

handcreptacrossthetable.

Afterasecond’shesitation,

Lilytookit,andtheygripped

eachother’sfingerstightly

acrossthewhitelinen,like

survivorsofashipwreck,

whilethewaiterstood

holdinghistray,unsurewhen

hecouldsafelymoveforward

again.

‘I’llbringherbacktomorrow

afternoon.’

Istoodinthecarparkas

LilyhungbackbyMrs

Traynor’scar.Shehadeaten

twopuddings–herchocolate

moltenpotandmyown(I

hadcompletelylostmy

appetitebythen)andwas

casuallyexaminingthe

waistbandofherjeans.

‘You’resure?’Iwasn’tsure

whichofthemIwasdirecting

thisto.Iwasconscioushow

fragilethisnewentente

cordialewas,howeasyit

wouldbeforittoflareupand

gowrong.

‘We’llbefine.’

‘Idon’thavework

tomorrow,Louisa,’Lily

calledout.‘Samir’scousin

doesSundays.’

Itfeltoddleavingthem

there,evenifLilywas

beaming.Iwantedtosay‘no

smoking’,and‘noswearing’

andmaybeeven‘Howabout

wedothissomeothertime?’

butLilywavedandclimbed

intothepassengerseatofMrs

Traynor’sGolfwithbarelya

backwardglance.

Itwasdone.Outofmy

hands.

MrsTraynorturnedtojoin

her.

‘MrsTraynor?CanIask

yousomething?’

Shestopped.‘Camilla.I

thinkyouandIarebeyond

formalities,don’tyou?’

‘Camilla.Didyouever

speaktoLily’smother?’

‘Ah.Yes,Idid.’She

stoopedtopicksometiny

weedoutofaborder.‘Itold

herIwashopingtospenda

lotoftimewithLilyinthe

future.AndthatIwasquite

consciousthatinhereyesI

wasnokindofmaternalrole

model,butthat,frankly,none

ofusappearedtobeidealin

thatrole,anditwouldbehove

hertothinkcarefully,for

once,aboutputtingher

child’shappinessbeforeher

own.’

Myjawmighthave

droppedalittle.‘“Behove”is

anexcellentword,’Isaid,

whenIcouldspeak.

‘Itisrather,isn’tit?’She

straightened.Thefaintesthint

ofmischiefglintedinher

eyes.‘Yes.Well.TheTanya

Houghton-Millersofthis

worldholdnofearsforme.I

thinkwe’llrubalongjust

fine,LilyandI.’

Imadetomovebacktomy

car,butthistimeMrsTraynor

stoppedme.‘Thankyou,

Louisa.’

Herhandlayonmyarm.‘I

didn’td—

‘Youdid.I’mverymuch

awarethatIhaveanawfullot

tothankyoufor.Atsome

pointIhopeIcando

somethingforyou.’

‘Oh,youdon’tneedto.I’m

fine.’

Hereyessearchedmine,

andshegavemeasmall

smile.Herlipstick,Inoticed,

wasperfect.‘Well,I’llring

youtomorrowaboutdropping

Lilyhome.’

MrsTraynortuckedher

handbagunderherarmand

walkedbacktohercar,where

Lilywaswaiting.

IwatchedtheGolf

disappear,andthenIcalled

Sam.

Abuzzardwheeledlazilyin

theazureskyabovethefield,

itsenormouswings

suspendedintheshimmering

blue.Ihadofferedtohelp

himfinishsomebricklaying

butwehaddoneonerow(I

hadhandedhimthebricks).

Thesultryheatwassuchthat

hehadsuggestedwehada

coldbeerduringourbreak,

andsomehowafterwehad

lainbackinthegrassfora

while,ithadproven

impossibletogetupagain.I

hadtoldhimthestoryofthe

beefcheeksandhehad

laughedforafullminute,

tryingtostraightenhisface

whenIprotestedthatIfthey

hadonlycalledthem

somethingelseandImean,

it’slikebeingtoldyou’re

eatingchickenbuttockor

something.NowIwas

stretchedoutbesidehim,

listeningtothebirdsandthe

gentlewhisperofthegrass,

watchingthepeach-coloured

sunslidegentlytowardsthe

horizon,andthought,whenI

wasmanagingnottoworry

whetherLilyhadusedthe

wordpussy-whippedyet,that

lifewasnotallbad.

‘Sometimeswhenit’slike

thisIthinkImightnotbother

buildingthehouseatall,’said

Sam.‘Imightjustlieina

fieldtillIgetold.’

‘Goodplan.’Iwas

chewingagrassstalk.

‘Excepttherainwatershower

isgoingtoseemalotless

appealinginJanuary.’

Ifelthislaugh,alow

rumble.

Ihadcomestraighttohim

fromtherestaurant,

inexplicablyunbalancedby

theunexpectedabsenceof

Lily.Ididn’twanttobeinthe

flatalone.WhenIhadpulled

upinthegatewayofSam’s

field,Ihadsatasmycar

enginetickeditswaytosleep

andwatchedhim,contentin

hisowncompany,scraping

mortarontoeachbrickand

pressingittothenext,wiping

thesweatfromhisbrowon

hisfadedT-shirt,andIhad

feltsomethinginmeunwind.

Hehadsaidnothingaboutthe

slightawkwardnessofour

lastfewconversationsandI

wasgrateful.

Asolitaryclouddrifted

acrosstheblue.Samshifted

hislegclosertomine.His

feetweretwicethesizeofmy

own.

‘IwonderwhetherMrsT

hasgotherphotographsout

again.Youknow,forLily.’

‘Photographs?’

‘Framedpictures.Itold

you.Shedidn’thaveasingle

oneofWillanywherethat

timeLilyandIwenttoher

house.Iwasquitesurprised

whenshesentthealbum

becausealittlebitofmehad

wonderedifshe’ddestroyed

themall.’

Hewassilent,thinking.

‘It’sodd.ButwhenI

thoughtaboutit,Idon’thave

anypicturesofWillon

displayeither.Maybeitjust

takesawhileto…tobeable

tohavethemlookingatyou

again.Howlongdidittake

youtohaveyoursisterby

yourbedagain?’

‘Inevertookherdown.I

likehavingherthere,

especiallylookinglike…like

sheusedtolook.’Helifted

hisarmabovehishead.‘She

usedtogiveittomestraight.

Typicalbigsister.WhenI

thinkI’vegotsomething

wrong,Ilookatthatpicture

andIhearhervoice.Sam,

yougreatlunk,justgeton

withit.’Heturnedhisface

towardsme.‘And,youknow,

it’sgoodforJaketoseeher

around.Heneedstofeelthat

it’sokaytotalkabouther.’

‘MaybeI’llputoneup.It

willbeniceforLilytohave

picturesofherdadinthe

flat.’

Thehenswerelooseanda

fewfeetawaytwoofthem

shiveredintoapatchofdirt,

rufflingtheirfeathersand

wiggling,sendinguplittle

cloudsofdust.Poultry,it

turnedout,hadpersonalities.

Therewasthebossychestnut,

theaffectionateonewiththe

piebaldcomb,thelittle

bantamthathadtobeplucked

outofthetreeeveryevening

andputtobedinthecoop.

‘DoyouthinkIshouldtext

her?Toseehowit’sgoing?’

‘Who?’

‘Lily.’

‘Leavethem.They’llbe

fine.’

‘Iknowyou’reright.It’s

weird.Iwaswatchingherin

thatrestaurantandshe’sso

muchmorelikehimthanI

firstrealized.IthinkMrs

Traynor–Camilla–could

seeit,too.Shekeptblinking

atLily’smannerisms,likeshe

wassuddenlyremembering

stuffWilldid.Therewasthis

onetimewhenLilyraisedan

eyebrow,andneitherofus

couldtakeoureyesoffher.

Shediditjustlikeheusedto.

‘Sowhatdoyouwanttodo

tonight?’

‘Oh…Idon’tmind.You

choose.’Istretchedout,

feelingthegrassticklemy

neck.‘Imightjustliehere.If

youhappenedtofallgently

ontopofmeatsomepoint

thatwouldbeokay.’

Iwaitedforhimtolaugh,

buthedidn’t.

‘So…shallwe…talk

aboutus?’

‘Us?’

Hepulledabladeofgrass

throughhisteeth.‘Yup.Ijust

thought…well,Iwondered

whatyouthoughtwasgoing

onhere.’

‘Youmakeussoundlikea

mathsproblem.’

‘Justtryingtomakesure

wedon’thaveanymore

misunderstandings,Lou.’

Iwatchedhimdiscardthe

grass,andpickanewblade.

‘Ithinkwe’regood,’Isaid.

‘Well,I’mnotgoingto

accuseyouofhavinga

neglectedchildthistime.Ora

trailofimaginarygirlfriends.’

‘Butyou’restillholding

back.’

Itwasgentlysaid,butit

feltlikeakick.

Ipushedmyselfuponmy

elbow,sothatIwaslooking

downonhim.‘I’mhere,

aren’tI?You’rethefirst

personIcallattheendofthe

day.Weseeeachotherwhen

wecan.Iwouldn’tcallthat

holdingback.’

‘Yup.Weseeeachother,

wehavesex,eatsomenice

meals.’

‘Ithoughtthatwas

basicallyeveryman’sdream

relationship.’

‘I’mnoteveryman,Lou.’

Wegazedateachotherin

silenceforaminute.Ino

longerfeltrelaxed.Ifelt

wrong-footed,defensive.

Hesighed.‘Don’tlooklike

that.Idon’twanttoget

marriedoranything.I’mjust

saying…I’venevermetany

womanwhowantedlessto

talkaboutwhatmightbe

goingon.’Heshadedhiseyes

withhishand,squinting

slightlyintothesun.‘It’sfine

ifyoudon’twantthistobea

long-termthing.Well,okay,

it’snot,butIjustwantan

ideaofwhatyou’rethinking.

Iguess,sinceEllendied,I’ve

realizedlifeisshort.Idon’t

want…’

‘Youdon’twantwhat?’

‘Towastetimeon

somethingthatisn’tgoing

anywhere.’

‘Wastetime?’

‘Badchoiceofwords.I’m

notgoodatthisstuff.’He

pushedhimselfupright.

‘Whydoesithavetobe

anything?Wehavefun

together.Whycan’twejust

letitrunand,Idon’tknow,

seewhathappens?’

‘BecauseI’mhuman.

Okay?Andit’shardenough

tobearoundsomeonewhois

stillinlovewithaghost,

withoutthemalsoactinglike

they’rejustusingyoufor

sex.’Heraisedhishand,

coveringhiseyes.‘Jesus

Christ,Ican’tbelieveIjust

saidthatoutloud.’

Myvoice,whenit

emerged,crackedalittle.‘I’m

notinlovewithaghost.’

Thistimehedidn’tlookat

me.Hepushedhimselftoa

seatedpositionandrubbedat

hisface.‘Thenlethimgo,

Lou.’

Heclimbedheavilytohis

feetandwalkedofftothe

railwaycarriage,leavingme

staringbehindhim.

Lilyarrivedbackthe

followingevening,slightly

sunburned.Sheletherself

intotheflatandwalkedpast

thekitchenette,whereIwas

unloadingthewashing-

machine,wonderingforthe

fifteenthtimewhethertocall

Sam,andfloppedontothe

sofa.AsIstoodatthecounter

andwatched,sheputherfeet

onthecoffee-table,pickedup

theremotecontrolandflicked

onthetelevision.

‘Sohowwasit?’Isaid,

afteramomenthadpassed.

‘Okay.’

Iwaitedforsomething

more,bracedfortheremote

controltobehurleddown,for

hertostalkoffmuttering,

Thatfamilyisimpossible.But

shesimplychangedchannels.

‘Whatdidyoudo?’

‘Notmuch.Talkedabit.

Actually,wegardened.’She

turnedround,restingherchin

onherhandsonthebackof

thesofa.‘Hey,Lou.Havewe

gotanyofthatcerealwiththe

nutsleft?I’mstarving.’

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

F I V E

Arewetalking?

Sure.Whatdoyouwantto

say?

SometimesIlookatthelives

ofthepeoplearoundmeandI

wonderifwearen’tall

destinedtoleaveatrailof

damage.It’snotjustyour

mumanddadwhofuckyou

up,MrLarkin.Igazedaround

me,likesomeonesuddenly

handedclearglasses,andsaw

thatprettymucheveryone

borethebrutalimprintof

love,whetherlost,whipped

awayfromthemorsimply

vanishedintoagrave.

Willhaddoneittoallof

us,Isawnow.Hehadn’t

meantto,buteveninsimply

refusingtolive,hehad.

Ilovedamanwhohad

openedupaworldtomebut

hadn’tlovedmeenoughto

stayinit.AndnowIwastoo

afraidtoloveamanwho

mightlovemeincase…In

casewhat?Iturneditoverin

myheadinthesilenthours

afterLilyhadretreatedtothe

glowingdigitaldistractionsof

herroom.

Samdidn’tcall.Icouldn’t

blamehim.WhatwouldI

havesaid,anyway?Thetruth

wasthatIdidn’twanttotalk

aboutwhatwewerebecauseI

didn’tknow.

Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tlove

beingwithhim.IsuspectedI

becameslightlyridiculous

aroundhim–mylaugh

goofy,myjokessillyand

puerile,mypassionfierceand

surprisingeventomyself.I

feltbetterwhenhewasthere,

morethepersonIwantedto

be.Moreofeverything.And

yet.

Andyet.

TocommittoSamwasto

committothelikelihoodof

moreloss.Statisticallymost

relationshipsendedbadly

and,givenmymentalstate

overthepasttwoyears,my

chancesofbeatingtheodds

wereprettylow.Wecould

talkaroundit,wecouldlose

ourselvesinbriefmoments,

butloveultimatelymeant

morepain.Moredamage–to

meor,worse,tohim.

Whowasstrongenough

forthat?

Iwasn’tsleepingproperly

again.SoIsleptthroughmy

alarmand,despitetearingmy

wayupthemotorway,arrived

lateforGranddad’sbirthday.

Incelebrationofhiseighty

years,Dadhadbroughtout

thefoldawaygazebowehad

usedforThomas’s

christening,whichflapped,

mossyandlistless,attheend

ofthegardenwhere,through

theopendoorthatledtothe

backalley,asuccessionof

neighbourspoppedinand

out,bringingcakeorgood

wishes.Granddadsatinthe

middleofitallonaplastic

gardenchair,noddingat

peoplehenolonger

recognized,onlyoccasionally

gazinglonginglytowardshis

foldedcopyoftheRacing

Post.

‘Sothispromotion,’

Treenawasontea-duty,

pouringfromanoversized

potandhandingoutcups,

‘whatexactlydoesitmean?’

‘Well,Igetatitle.I

balancethetillattheendof

everyshiftandIgettoholda

setofkeys.’Thisisaserious

responsibility,Louisa,

RichardPercivalhadsaid,

bestowingthemwithasmuch

gravitasandpomposityasif

hewerehandingmetheHoly

Grail.Usethemwisely.He

actuallysaidthosewords.

Usethemwisely.Iwantedto

say,WhatelseamIgoingto

dowithasetofbarkeys?

Ploughafield?

‘Money?’Shehandedmea

cupandIsippedatit.

‘Apoundanhourextra.’

‘Mm.’Shewas

unimpressed.

‘AndIdon’thavetowear

theuniformanymore.’

Shescrutinizedthe

Charlie’sAngelsjumpsuitI

hadputonthatmorningin

honouroftheoccasion.

‘Well,Iguessthat’s

something.’ShepointedMrs

Laslowtowardsthe

sandwiches.

WhatelsecouldIsay?It

wasajob.Progressofsorts.I

didn’ttellheraboutthedays

whenitfeltlikeapeculiar

formoftorturetowork

somewherewhereIwas

forcedtowatcheachplane

taxiontherunway,gatherits

energylikeagreatbird,then

launchitselfintothesky.I

didn’ttellherhowputtingon

thatgreenpoloshirteachday

mademefeelsomehowasifI

hadlostsomething.

‘Mumsaysyou’vegota

boyfriend.’

‘He’snotreallymy

boyfriend.’

‘Shesaidthataswell.

Whatisit,then?Youjust

bumpugliesonceinawhile?’

‘No.We’regoodfriends–’

‘Sohe’sapig.’

‘He’snotapig.He’s

gorgeous.’

‘Butcrapinthesack.’

‘He’swonderful.Notthat

it’sanyofyourbusiness.And

smart,beforeyou–’

‘Thenhe’smarried.’

‘Heisnotmarried.Jesus,

Treen.Willyoujustletme

explain?Ilikehim,butI’m

notsureIwanttoget

involvedjustyet.’

‘Becauseofthelongqueue

ofotherhandsome,employed

singlesexymenwaitingto

snapyouup?’

Iglaredather.

‘I’mjustsaying.Gift

horsesandallthat.’

‘Whendoyougetyour

examresults?’

‘Don’tchangethesubject.’

Shesighedandopenedanew

cartonofmilk.‘Coupleof

weeks.’

‘What’swrong?You’re

goingtogettopmarks.You

knowyouwill.’

‘Butwhat’sthedifference?

I’mstuck.’

Ifrowned.

‘Therearenojobsin

Stortfold.ButIcan’tafford

therentinLondon,notwith

childcareforThomontop.

Andnobodygetstopdollar

whenthey’refirststarting

out,evenwithtopmarks.’

Shepouredanothercupof

tea.Iwantedtoprotest,tosay

itwasn’tso,butIknewonly

toowellhowtoughthejob

marketwas.‘Sowhatwill

youdo?’

‘Stayherefornow,I

suppose.Commute,maybe.

HopethatMum’sfeminist

metamorphosiswon’tstop

herpickingThomupfrom

school.’Sheraisedasmall

smilethatwasn’tasmileat

all.

Ihadneverseenmysister

down.Evenifshefeltit,she

ploughedon,likean

automaton,afirmadvocateof

the‘shortwalkandsnapout

ofit’schoolofdepression.I

wastryingtoworkoutwhat

tosaywhentherewasa

suddencommotiononthe

foodtable.Welookedupto

seeMumandDadfacingoff

overachocolatecake.They

weretalkinginthelowered,

sibilantvoicesofpeoplewho

didnotwantotherstoknow

theywerearguing,butnot

enoughtostoparguing.

‘Mum?Dad?Everything

okay?’Iwalkedover.

Dadpointedatthetable.

‘It’snotahomemadecake.’

‘What?’

‘Thecake.It’snot

homemade.Lookatit.’

Ilookedatit–alarge,

lavishlyicedchocolatecake,

decoratedwithchocolate

buttonsbetweenthecandles.

Mumshookherheadin

exasperation.‘Ihadanessay

towrite.’

‘Anessay.You’renotat

school!Youalwaysdoa

homemadecakefor

Granddad.’

‘It’sanicecake.It’sfrom

Waitrose.Daddydoesn’t

mindthatit’snothomemade.’

‘Yes,hedoes.He’syour

father.Youdomind,don’t

you,Granddad?’

Granddadlookedfromone

totheother,andgaveatiny

shakeofhishead.Aroundus,

theconversationstutteredtoa

halt.Ourneighbourseyed

eachothernervously.Bernard

andJosieClarkneverargued.

‘He’sjustsayingthat

becausehedoesn’twantto

hurtyourfeelings.’Dad

harrumphed.

‘Ifhisfeelingsaren’thurt,

Bernard,whyonearthshould

yoursbe?It’sachocolate

cake.It’snotlikeIignored

hiswholebirthday.’

‘Ijustwantyoutogive

prioritytoyourfamily!Isthat

toomuchtoask,Josie?One

homemadecake?’

‘I’mhere!There’sacake,

withcandles!Here’sthe

ruddysandwiches!I’mnot

offsunningmyselfinthe

Bahamas!’Mumputherpile

ofplatesheavilyonthetrestle

tableandfoldedherarms.

Dadwenttospeakagain

butsheshuthimupwitha

raisedhand.‘So,Bernard,

youdevotedfamilyman,you,

exactlyhowmuchofthis

littlelotdidyouputtogether,

eh?’

‘Uh-oh…’Treenamoved

astepclosertome.

‘DidyoubuyDaddy’snew

pyjamas?Didyou?Didyou

wrapthem?No.You

wouldn’tevenknowwhat

bloodysizeheis.Youdon’t

evenknowwhatbloodysize

yourownpantsarebecauseI

BUYTHEMFORYOU.Did

yougetupatseveno’clock

thismorningtofetchthe

breadforthesandwiches

becausesomeeejitcameback

fromthepublastnightand

decidedheneededtoeattwo

roundsoftoastandleftthe

restoftheloafouttoget

stale?No.Yousatonyour

arsereadingthesportspages.

Yougripeawayatmefor

weeksonendbecauseI’ve

daredtoclaimbacktwenty

percentofmylifeformyself,

totrytoworkoutwhether

thereisanythingelseIcando

beforeIshuffleoffthis

mortalcoil,andwhileI’m

stilldoingyourwashing,

lookingafterGranddadand

doingthedishes,you’rethere

harpingonatmeabouta

shop-boughtfeckingcake.

Well,Bernard,youcantake

thefeckingshop-boughtcake

thatisapparentlysuchasign

ofneglectanddisrespectand

youcanshoveitupyour–’

sheletoutaroar‘–upyour

…well…There’sthe

kitchen,there’smyruddy

mixingbowl,youcanmake

oneyourruddyself!’

Withthat,Mumflippedthe

cakeplateupwards,sothatit

landednosedowninfrontof

Dad,wipedherhandsonher

apron,andstompedupthe

gardentothehouse.

Shestoppedwhenshegot

tothepatio,wrenchedher

apronoverherhead,and

threwittotheground.‘Oh,

yes!Treena?You’dbetter

showyourdaddywherethe

recipebooksare.He’sonly

livedheretwenty-eightyears.

Hecan’tpossiblybeexpected

toknowhimself.’

Afterthat,Granddad’sparty

didn’tlastlong.The

neighboursdriftedaway,

conferringinhushedtones,

andthankinguseffusivelyfor

thelovelyparty,theireyes

flickeringtowardsthe

kitchen.Icouldseetheyfelt

asthrownasIdid.

‘It’sbeenbrewingfor

weeks,’Treenamuttered,as

weclearedthetable.‘Hefeels

neglected.Shecan’t

understandwhyhewon’tjust

lethergrowalittle.’

IglancedtowhereDad

wasgrumpilypickingup

napkinsandemptybeercans

fromthegrass.Helooked

utterlymiserable.Ithoughtof

mymotherattheLondon

hotel,glowingwithnewlife.

‘Butthey’reold!They’re

meanttohaveallthis

relationshipstuffsewnup!’

Mysisterraisedher

eyebrows.

‘Youdon’tthink…?’

‘Ofcoursenot,’said

Treena.Butshedidn’tsound

quiteasconvincedasshe

mighthavedone.

IhelpedTreenatidythe

kitchen,andplayedten

minutesofSuperMariowith

Thom.Mumstayedinher

room,apparentlyworkingon

heressay,andGranddad

retreatedwithsomereliefto

themorereliableconsolations

ofChannel4Racing.I

wonderedifDadhadgone

downthepubagain,butasI

steppedoutofthefrontdoor

toleave,therehewas,sitting

inthedriver’sseatofhis

workvan.

Iknockedonthewindow

andhejumped.Iopenedthe

doorandslidinbesidehim.

I’dthoughtmaybehewas

listeningtosportsresultsbut

theradiowassilent.

Heletoutalongbreath.‘I

betyouthinkI’manold

fool.’

‘You’renotanoldfool,

Dad.’Inudgedhim.‘Well,

you’renotold.’

Wesatinsilence,watching

theEllisboyswheelupand

downtheroadontheirbikes,

wincinginunisonwhenthe

littleronetookaskidtoofast

andslidhalfwayacrossthe

road.

‘Iwantthingstostaythe

same.Isthatsomuchtoask?’

‘Nothingstaysthesame,

Dad.’

‘Ijust…Ijustmissmy

wife.’Hesoundedsobleak.

‘Youknow,youcouldjust

enjoythefactthatyou’re

marriedtosomeonewhostill

hasabitoflifeinher.Mum’s

excited.Shefeelslikeshe’s

seeingtheworldthroughnew

eyes.You’vejustgottoallow

hersomeroom.’

Hismouthwassetina

grimline.

‘She’sstillyourwife,Dad.

Shelovesyou.’

Hefinallyturnedtoface

me.‘Whatifshedecidesthat

I’mtheonewithnolife?

Whatifallthisnewstuff

turnsherheadand…’He

gulped.‘Whatifsheleaves

mebehind?’

Isqueezedhishand.ThenI

thoughtbetterandleaned

overandgavehimahug.

‘Youwon’tletthathappen.’

Thewansmilehegaveme

stayedwithmethewhole

wayhome.

LilycameinjustasIwas

leavingfortheMovingOn

Circle.Shehadbeenwith

Camillaagain,andarrived

home,assheoftendidnow,

withblackfingernailsfrom

gardening.Theyhadcreateda

wholenewborderfora

neighbour,shesaid

cheerfully,andthewoman

hadbeensopleasedshehad

givenLilythirtypounds.

‘Actually,shegaveusa

bottleofwinetoobutIsaid

Grannyshouldkeepthat.’I

notedtheunselfconscious

‘Granny’.

‘Oh,andIspoketo

GeorginaonSkypelastnight.

Imeanitwasmorningthere,

becauseit’sAustralia,butit

wasreallynice.She’sgoing

toemailmeawholeloadof

picturesofwhensheandmy

dadwerelittle.ShesaidthatI

reallylooklikehim.She’s

quitepretty.Shehasadog

calledJakobandithowls

whensheplaysthepiano.’

Iputabowlofsaladand

somebreadandcheeseonthe

tableforLilyasshechatted

on.Iwonderedwhethertotell

herthatStevenTraynorhad

calledagain,thefourthtime

inasmanyweeks,hopingto

persuadehertogoandseethe

newbaby.‘We’reallfamily.

AndDellaisfeelingmuch

morerelaxedaboutthings

nowthatthebabyissafely

here.’Maybethatwasa

conversationforanothertime.

Ireachedformykeys.

‘Oh,’shesaid.‘Beforeyou

go.I’mgoingbacktoschool.’

‘What?’

‘I’mgoingbacktothe

schoolnearGranny’shouse.

Doyouremember?TheoneI

toldyouabout?TheoneI

actuallyliked?Weekly

boarding.Justforsixthform.

AndI’mgoingtolivewith

Grannyatweekends.’

Ihadmissedaleafwiththe

saladdressing.‘Oh.’

‘Sorry.Ididwanttotell

you.Butit’sallhappened

reallyfast.Iwastalking

aboutit,andjustontheoff-

chanceGrannyrangupthe

schoolandtheysaidI’dbe

welcome,andyou’llnever

guesswhat–myfriend

Holly’sstillthere!Ispoketo

heronFacebookandshesaid

shecan’twaitformetocome

back.Imean,Ididn’ttellher

everythingthat’shappened,

andIprobablywon’ttellher

anyofit,butitwasjustreally

nice.Sheknewmebeforeit

allwentwrong.She’sjust…

okay,youknow?’

Ilistenedtohertalking

animatedlyandfoughtthe

sensationthatIhadbeen

shed,likeaskin.‘Whenisall

thisgoingtohappen?’

‘Well,Ineedtobethere

forthestartoftermin

September.Grannythoughtit

wouldprobablybebestifI

movedquitesoon.Maybe

nextweek?’

‘Nextweek?’Ifeltwinded.

‘What–whatdoesyourmum

say?’

‘She’sjustgladI’mgoing

backtoschool,especially

sinceGranny’spaying.She

hadtotelltheschoolabit

aboutmylastschoolandthe

factthatIdidn’ttakemy

exams,andyoucantellshe

doesn’tlikeGrannymuch,

butshesaiditwouldbefine.

“Ifthat’sactuallygoingto

makeyouhappy,Lily.AndI

dohopeyou’renotgoingto

treatyourgrandmotherthe

wayyou’vetreatedeveryone

else.”’

Shecackledatherown

impressionofTanya.‘I

caughtGranny’seyewhen

shesaidthat,andGranny’s

eyebrowwentupthetiniest

bitbutyoucouldtotallysee

whatshethought.DidItell

youshe’sdyedherhair?A

sortofchestnutbrown.She

looksquitegoodnow.Less

likeacancerpatient.’

‘Lily!’

‘It’sallright.Shelaughed

whenItoldherthat.’She

smiledtoherself.‘Itwasthe

kindofthingDadwouldhave

said.’

‘Well,’Imuttered,when

I’dcaughtmybreath,‘sounds

likeyou’vegotitallworked

out.’

Sheshotmealook.‘Don’t

sayitlikethat.’

‘Sorry.It’sjust…I’llmiss

you.’

Shebeamed,anabrupt,

brilliantsmile.‘Youwon’t

missme,silly,becauseI’ll

stillbebackdowninthe

holidaysandstuff.Ican’t

spendallmytimein

Oxfordshirewitholdpeople

orI’llgomad.Butit’sgood.

Shejust…shefeelslikemy

family.Itdoesn’tfeelweird.I

thoughtitwould,butit

doesn’t.Hey,Lou…’She

huggedme,exuberantly.

‘You’llstillbemyfriend.

You’rebasicallythesisterI

neverhad.’

Ihuggedherbackandtried

tokeepthesmileonmyface.

‘Anyway.Youneedyour

privacy.’Shedisentangled

herselfandpulledapieceof

gumfromhermouth,folding

itcarefullyintoatornpiece

ofpaper.‘Havingtolistento

youandHotAmbulanceMan

shaggingacrossthecorridor

wasactuallyprettygross.’

Lilyisgoing.

Goingwhere?

Tolivewithher

grandmother.Ifeelstrange.

She’ssohappyaboutit.

Sorry.Idon’tmeantotalk

aboutWill-relatedthingsall

thetime,butIcan’treally

talktoanyoneelse.

Lilypackedherbag,

cheerfullystrippingmy

secondbedroomofnearly

everysignshehadeverbeen

there,apartfromthe

Kandinskyprintandthecamp

bed,apileofglossy

magazinesandanempty

deodorantcanister.Idropped

heratthestation,listeningto

hernon-stopchatterand

tryingnottolookas

unbalancedasIfelt.Camilla

Traynorwouldbewaitingat

theotherend.

‘Youshouldcomeup.

We’vegotmyroomreally

nice.There’sahorsenext

doorthatthefarmeracross

thewaysaysIcanride.Oh,

andthere’squiteanicepub.’

Sheglancedupatthe

departuresboard,and

bouncedonhertoes,

suddenlyseeingthetime.

‘Bugger.Mytrain.Right.

Where’splatformeleven?’

Shebegantorunbriskly

throughthecrowd,her

holdallslungoverher

shoulder,herlegslongin

blacktights.Istood,frozen,

watchinghergo.Herstride

hadgrownlonger.

Suddenlysheturnedand,

spottingmebytheentrance,

waved,hersmilewide,her

hairflyinguparoundher

face.‘Hey,Lou!’sheyelled.

‘Imeanttosaytoyou.

Movingondoesn’tmeanyou

lovedmydadanyless,you

know.I’mprettysureevenhe

wouldtellyouthat.’

Andthenshewasgone,

swallowedbythecrowd.

Hersmilewaslikehis.

Shewasneveryours,Lou.

Iknow.It’sIsupposeshe

wasthethingIfeltwas

givingmeapurpose.

Onlyonepersoncangive

youapurpose.

Iletmyselfabsorbthese

wordsforaminute.

Canwemeet?Please?

I’monshifttonight.

Cometomineafter?

Maybelaterintheweek.

I’llcallyou.

Itwasthe‘maybe’thatdidit.

Therewassomethingfinalin

it,theslowclosingofadoor.

Istaredatmyphoneasthe

commutersswarmedaround

meandsomethinginme

shiftedtoo.EitherIcouldgo

homeandmournyetanother

thingIhadlost,orIcould

embraceanunexpected

freedom.Itwasasifalight

hadgoneon:theonlywayto

avoidbeingleftbehindwasto

startmoving.

Iwenthome,mademyself

acoffeeandstaredatthe

greenwall.ThenIpulledout

mylaptop.

DearMrGopnik,

MynameisLouisaClark

andlastmonthyouwere

kindenoughtooffermea

job,whichIhadtoturn

down.Iappreciatethatyou

willhavefilledyour

positionbynow,butifI

don’tsaythisIwillregretit

forever.

Ireallywantedyourjob.If

thechildofmyformer

employerhadn’tturnedup

introuble,Iwouldhave

takenitlikeashot.Idonot

wanttoblameherformy

decision,asitwasa

privilegetohelpsortthings

outforher.ButIjust

wantedtosaythatifyou

everneedsomeoneagainI

reallyhopeyoumight

considergettingintouch.

Iknowyouareabusyman

soIwon’tgoon,butIjust

neededyoutoknow.

Withbestwishes

LouisaClark

Iwasn’tsurewhatIwas

doingbutatleastIwasdoing

something.Ipressedsend,

andwiththattinyaction,I

wassuddenlyfilledwith

purpose.Iracedintothe

bathroomandrantheshower,

strippingoffmyclothesand

trippingonmytrouserlegsin

myhurrytogetoutofthem

andunderthehotwater.I

begantolathermyhair,

alreadyplanningahead.Iwas

goingtogototheambulance

station,andIwasgoingto

findSamandIwas–

Thedoorbellrang.Iswore

andgrabbedatowel.

‘I’vehadit,’mymothersaid.

Ittookmeamomentto

herstandingthere,holdingan

overnightbag.Ipulledmy

towelaroundme,myhair

drippingontothecarpet.‘Had

what?’

Shesteppedin,closingthe

frontdoorbehindher.‘Your

father.Grumblingincessantly

atmeabouteverythingIdo.

ActingasifI’msomekindof

harlotjustforwantingalittle

timetomyself.SoItoldhim

Iwascominghereforalittle

break.’

‘Abreak?’

‘Louisa,youhavenoidea.

Allthemumpingand

grumping.Ican’tstaysetin

stone,youknow?Everyone

elsegetstochange.Why

can’tI?’

ItwasasifI’dcome

halfwayintoaconversation

thathadbeengoingonforan

hour.Possiblyinabar.After

hours.

‘WhenIstartedthat

feministconsciousness

course,Ithoughtafairbitof

itwasexaggerated.Man’s

patriarchalcontrolofwoman?

Eventheunconsciouskind?

Well,theyonlyhadthehalf

ofit.Yourfathersimplycan’t

seemeasapersonbeyond

whatIputonthetableorput

outinbed.’

‘Uh–’

‘Oh.Toomuch?’

‘Possibly.’

‘Let’sdiscussitoversome

tea.’Mymotherwalkedpast

meandintothekitchen.

‘Well,thislooksabitbetter.

I’mstillnotsureaboutthat

green,though.Itwashesyou

rightout.Now,whereare

yourteabags?’

Mymothersatonthesofa

and,asherteagrewcold,I

listenedtoherlitanyof

frustrationandtriednotto

thinkaboutthetime.Sam

wouldbearrivingforhisshift

inhalfanhour.Itwouldtake

twentyminutestogetoverto

theambulancestation.And

thenmymother’svoice

wouldliftandherhands

wouldendupsomewhere

aroundherearsandIknewI

wasgoingnowhere.

‘Doyouknowhowstifling

itistobetoldyou’renever

goingtobeabletochange?

Fortherestofyourlife?

Becausenobodyelsewants

youto?Doyouknowhow

awfulitistofeelstuck?’

Inoddedvigorously.Idid.

Ireallydid.‘I’msureDad

doesn’tmeanforyoutofeel

likethat–butlisten,I–’

‘Ievensuggestedhetakea

courseatthenightschool.

Somethinghemightlike–

youknow,repairingantiques

orlifedrawingorsomething.

Idon’tmindhimlookingat

thenudies!Ithoughtwe

couldgrowtogether!That’s

thekindofwifeI’mtryingto

be,thekindthatdoesn’teven

mindherhusbandlookingat

nudies,ifit’sinthenameof

culture…Buthe’sall“What

wouldIwanttogodown

therefor?”It’slikehe’sgot

theruddymenopause.Andas

fortherabbitingonaboutme

notshavingmylegs!Oh,my

days.He’ssohypocritical.

Doyouknowhowlongthe

hairsinhisnostrilsare,

Louisa?’

‘N-no.’

‘I’lltellyou!Hecould

wipehisplatewiththem.For

thelastfifteenyears,I’ve

beentheonetellingthe

barbertogivehimatrimup

there,youknow?Likehe’s

somekindofchild.DoI

mind?No!Becausethat’sthe

wayheis.He’sahuman

being!Nosehairandall!But

ifIdarenottobeassmooth

asaruddybaby’sbottomhe

actslikeI’veturnedinto

flippingChewbacca!’

Itwastenminutestosix.

Samwouldbeheadingoutat

halfpast.Isighed,andpulled

mytowelaroundme.

‘So…um…howlongdo

youthinkyou’llbehere?’

‘Well,now,Idon’tknow.’

Mumtookasipofhertea.

‘We’vegotthesocialservices

bringingGranddadhislunch

nowsoit’snotlikeI’vegotto

bethereallthetime.Imight

juststayforafewdays.We

hadalovelytimelasttimeI

washere,didn’twe?We

couldgoandseeMariainthe

toiletstomorrow.Wouldn’t

thatbenice!’

‘Lovely.’

‘Right.Well,I’llmakeup

thesparebed.Whereisthe

sparebed?’

Wehadjuststoodupwhen

thebuzzerwentagain.I

openedthedoor,expectinga

randompizzadelivery,but

therestoodTreenaandThom

and,behindthem,hishands

jammedintohistrouser

pocketslikearecalcitrant

teenager,myfather.

Shedidn’tevenlookatme.

Shejustwalkedinpastme.

‘Mum.Thisisridiculous.

Youcan’tjustrunawayfrom

Dad.Howoldareyou?

Fourteen?’

‘Iamnotrunningaway,

Treena.Iamgivingmyself

breathingspace.’

‘Well,we’regoingtosit

hereuntilyoutwohave

sortedthisridiculousthing

out.Youknowhe’sbeen

sleepinginhisvan,Lou?’

‘What?Youdidn’ttellme

that.’IturnedtoMum.

Sheliftedherchin.‘You

didn’tgivemeachance,with

allyourtalking.’

MumandDadstoodthere

notlookingateachother.

‘Ihavenothingtosayto

yourfatherrightnow,’Mum

said.

‘Sitdown,’saidTreena.

‘Thebothofyou.’They

shuffledtowardsthesofa,

castingmuteglancesof

resentmentateachother.She

turnedtome.‘Right.Let’s

maketea.Andthenwe’re

goingtosortthisoutasa

family.’

‘Greatidea!’Isaid,sensing

mychance.‘There’smilkin

thefridge.Tea’sontheside.

Helpyourselves.I’vegotto

popoutforhalfanhour.’And

beforeanyonecouldstopme

Ihadwhippedonapairof

jeansandatopandwas

runningoutoftheflatwith

mycarkeys.

IsawhimevenasIturnedthe

carintotheambulance-station

carpark.Hewasstriding

towardstheambulance,his

packslungoverhisshoulder,

andsomethinginsideme

lurched.Iknewthedelicious

solidityofthatbody,thesoft

anglesofthatface.Heturned

andhisstepfaltered,asifI

hadbeenthelastthinghehad

expectedtosee.Thenhe

turnedbacktotheambulance,

haulingopenthereardoors.

Iwalkedtowardshim

acrossthetarmac.‘Canwe

talk?’

Heliftedanoxygentank

likeitwasatinofhairspray,

securingitinitsholder.

‘Sure.Butit’llhavetobe

someothertime.I’monmy

wayout.’

‘Itwon’twait.’

Hisexpressiondidn’t

flicker.Hestoopedtopickup

apackofgauze.

‘Look.Ijustwantedto

explain…whatwewere

talkingabout.Idolikeyou.I

reallylikeyou.Ijust–I’m

justscared.’

‘We’reallscared,Lou.’

‘You’renotscaredof

anything.’

‘Yeah.Iam.Justnotstuff

you’dnotice.’

Hestaredathisboots.And

thenhesawDonnarunning

towardshim.‘Ah,hell.I’ve

gottogo.’

Ijumpedintotherearof

theambulance.‘I’llcome

withyou.I’llgetataxihome

fromwhereveryou’re

headed.’

‘No.’

‘Ah,comeon.Please.’

‘SoIcangetinevenmore

troublewithDisciplinary?’

‘RedTwo,reportsofa

stabbing,youngmale.’Donna

threwherpackintotheback

oftheambulance.

‘Wehavetogo,Louisa.’

Iwaslosinghim.Icould

feelit,inthetoneofhis

voice,thewayhewouldn’t

lookatmedirectly.Iclimbed

outoftheback,cursingmy

lateness.ButDonnatookme

bytheelbowandsteeredme

towardsthefront.‘ForGod’s

sake,’shesaid,asSammade

toprotest.‘You’vebeenlike

abearwithasoreheadall

week.Justsortthisthingout.

We’lldropherbeforeweget

there.’

Samwalkedbrisklyaround

tothepassengerdoorand

openedit,castingaglanceat

thecontroller’soffice.‘She’d

makeagreatrelationship

counsellor.’Hisvoice

hardened.‘Ifwewere,you

know,inarelationship.’

Ididn’tneedtellingtwice.

Samclimbedintothedriving

seatandlookedatmeasifhe

weregoingtosaysomething,

thenchangedhismind.

Donnabegansortingout

equipment.Hestartedthe

ignitionandputthebluelight

on.

‘Whereareweheaded?’

‘Weareheadedtothe

estate.Aboutsevenminutes

awaywithbluesandtwos.

Youareheadedtothehigh

street,twominutesfrom

Kingsbury.’

‘SoI’vegotfiveminutes?’

‘Andalongwalkback.’

‘Okay,’Isaid.And

realized,aswespedforward,

thatIreallyhadnoideawhat

tosaynext.

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

S I X

‘So,here’sthething,’Isaid.

Samindicatedandswungout

ontotheroad.Ihadtoshout

asthesirenwassoloud.

Hisattentionwasonthe

roadahead.Heglancedatthe

computerreadoutonthe

dashboard.‘Whathavewe

got,Don?’

‘Possiblestabbing.Two

reports.Youngmale

collapsedinstairwell.’

‘Isthisreallyagoodtime

totalk?’Isaid.

‘Dependswhatyouwantto

say.’

‘It’snotthatIdon’twanta

relationship,’Isaid.‘Ijust

stillfeelabitmixedup.’

‘Everyone’smixedup,’

saidDonna.‘EveryblokeIgo

outwithstartsourdatewith

howhe’sgottrustissues.’

ShelookedatSam.‘Oh.

Sorry.Don’tmindme.’

Samkepthiseyesstraight

ahead.‘Oneminuteyou’re

callingmeadickbecause

you’vedecidedI’msleeping

withotherwomen.Next

you’rekeepingmeatarm’s

lengthbecauseyou’restill

attachedtosomeoneelse.It’s

too–’

‘Willisgone.Iknowthat.

ButIjustcan’tleapinlike

youcan,Sam.IfeellikeI’m

onlyjustgettingbackonmy

feetafteralongtimeof…I

don’tknow…Iwasamess.’

‘Iknowyouwereamess.I

pickedupthatmess.’

‘Ifanything,Ilikeyoutoo

much.Ilikeyousomuchthat

ifitwentwrongitwouldfeel

likethatagain.AndI’mnot

sureI’mstrongenough.’

‘Howisthatgoingto

happen?’

‘Youmightgooffme.You

mightchangeyourmind.

You’reagood-lookingbloke.

Someotherwomanmightfall

offabuildingandlandon

youandyoumightlikeit.

Youcouldgetill.Youcould

getknockedoffthat

motorbike.’

‘ETAtwominutes,’said

Donna,gazingatthesatnav.

‘I’mnotlistening,honest.’

‘Youcouldsaythatabout

anyone.Sowhat?Sowesit

thereanddonothingevery

dayincasewehavean

accident?Isthatreallyhowto

live?’Heswervedtotheleft

sothatIhadtohangontomy

seat.

‘I’mstilladoughnut,

okay?’Isaid.‘Iwanttobea

bun.Ireallydo.ButI’mstill

adoughnut.’

‘Jesus,Lou!We’reall

doughnuts!YouthinkIdidn’t

watchmysisterbeingeaten

bycancerandknowthatmy

heartwasgoingtobreak,not

justforherbutforherson,

everydayofmylife?You

thinkIdon’tknowhowthat

feels?There’sonlyone

response,andIcantellyou

thisbecauseIseeitevery

day.Youlive.Andyouthrow

yourselfintoeverythingand

trynottothinkaboutthe

bruises.’

‘Oh,that’slovely,’said

Donna,nodding.

‘I’mtrying,Sam.Youhave

noideahowfarI’vecome.’

Andthenwewerethere.

ThesignforKingsburyestate

loomedinfrontofus.We

droveinthroughahuge

archway,pastacarparkand

intoadarkenedcourtyard,

whereSampulledupand

sworesoftly.‘Dammit.We

weremeanttodropyouoff.’

‘Ididn’tliketointerrupt,’

saidDonna.

‘I’llwaitheretillyouget

back.’Icrossedmyarms.

‘There’snopoint.’Sam

jumpedoutofthedriver’s

doorandgrabbedhispack.

‘I’mnotgoingtojump

throughhoopstoconvince

youtobewithme.Oh,crap.

Thebloodysignsaremissing.

Hecouldbeanywhere.’

Igazedoutatthe

forbiddingmaroon-brick

buildings.Therewere

probablytwentystairwellsin

thoseblocksandnoneyou

wouldhavewantedtowalk

aroundwithoutthecompany

ofalargebodyguard.

Donnashruggedherway

intoherjacket.‘Thelasttime

Icamehere–heartattack–it

tookfourtriestofindthe

rightblock,andthatgatewas

locked.Wehadtofinda

caretakertounlockitbefore

wecouldbringinthemobile

unit.BythetimeImadeitto

therightflatthepatientwas

dead.’

‘Twogangshootingshere

lastmonth.’

‘Youwantmetocallina

policeescort?’saidDonna.

‘No.Notime.’

Itwaseerilyquiet,even

thoughitwasbarelyeight

p.m.Thesewereestatesina

partofthecitywhereonlya

fewyearsagochildrenmight

havebeenplayingouton

bikes,sneakingcigarettesand

catcallinglongintothe

evening.Nowresidents

double-lockedtheirdoors

longbeforedark,and

windowswerebracedwith

decorativemetalbars.Half

thesodiumlightshadbeen

shotout,andtheodd

remainingoneflickered

intermittently,asifuncertain

whetheritwassafetoshine.

SamandDonna,now

outsidethecab,weretalking,

theirvoiceslowered.Donna

openedthepassengerdoor,

reachedinandhandedmea

high-visibilityjacket.‘Right.

Putthatonandcomewithus.

Hedoesn’tfeelsafeleaving

youhere.’

‘Whycouldn’the–’

‘Oh,youtwo!ForGod’s

sake!Look,I’mgoingto

headthisway,youfollow

himthatway.Okay?’

Istaredather.

‘Sortitoutafterwards.’

Shestrodeoff,herwalkie-

talkiebuzzinginherhand.

Ifollowedclosebehind

Samaswewentalongone

lengthofconcretewalkway,

thenanother.

‘SavernakeHouse,’he

muttered.‘Howthehellare

wesupposedtoknowwhich

oneisSavernake?’Theradio

hissed.‘Control,canwehave

someguidance?Nosignson

thesebuildings,andnoidea

wherethispatientis.’

‘Sorry,’thevoicesaid

apologetically.‘Ourmap

doesn’tshowindividualblock

names.’

‘Wantmetoheadoffthat

way?’Isaid,pointinginfront

ofus.‘Thenwe’llhavethree

walkwayscovered.I’vegot

myphonewithme.’We

haltedinastairwellthat

reekedofurineandthestale

fatofoldtakeawaycartons.

Thewalkwayssatinshadow,

onlytheoccasionalmuffled

burbleofatelevisionbehind

thewindowssuggestinglife

deepwithineachsmallflat.I

hadexpectedadistant

commotion,somevibrationin

theairthatwouldleadusto

theinjured.Butthiswas

eerilystill.

‘No.Stayclose,okay?’

Isawthathavingmethere

wasmakinghimnervous.I

wonderedwhetherIshould

justleave,butIdidn’twantto

findmywayoutbymyself.

Samstoppedattheendof

thewalkway.Heturned,

shakinghishead,hismouth

compressed.Donna’svoice

crackledacrosstheradio:

‘Nothingthisend.’Andthen

weheardashout.

‘There,’Isaid,following

thesound.Ontheotherside

ofthesquare,inthehalf-

light,wesawacrouching

figure,abodyontheground

underthesodiumlights.

‘Herewego,’saidSam,

andwestartedtorun.

Speedwaseverythingin

hisjob,hehadoncetoldme.

Itwasoneofthefirstthings

paramedicsweretaught–the

differenceafewseconds

couldmaketosomeone’s

chancesofsurvival.Ifthe

patientwasbleedingout,had

hadastrokeoraheartattack,

itcouldbethosecriticalfew

secondsthatkeptthemalive.

Weboltedalongtheconcrete

walkways,downthereeking,

dingystairs,andthenwe

wereacrosstheworngrass

towardstheprostratefigure.

Donnawasalreadydown

besideher.

‘Agirl.’Samdroppedhis

pack.‘I’msuretheysaidit

wasaman.’

AsDonnacheckedherfor

injuries,hecalledinto

Control.

‘Yup.Youngmale,late

teens,Afro-Caribbean

appearance,’thedispatcher

responded.

Samclickedoffhisradio.

‘Theymusthavemisheard.

It’slikebloodyChinese

whisperssomedays.’

Shewasaboutsixteen,her

hairneatlybraided,herlimbs

sprawledasifshehad

recentlyfallen.Shewas

strangelypeaceful.I

wondered,fleetingly,ifthat

washowIhadlookedwhen

he’dfoundme.

‘Canyouhearme,

sweetheart?’

Shedidn’tmove.He

checkedherpupils,herpulse,

herairways.Shewas

breathing,andtherewasno

obvioussignofinjury.Yet

sheseemedcompletelynon-

responsive.Hecheckedall

aroundherasecondtime,

staringathisequipment.

‘Isshealive?’

Sam’seyesmetDonna’s.

Hestraightenedupand

glancedaroundhim,thinking.

Hegazedupatthewindows

oftheestate.Theystared

downatuslikeblank,

unfriendlyeyes.Thenhe

motionedusoverandspoke

quietly.‘Something’snot

right.Look,I’mgoingtodo

thedrop-handtest.Andwhen

Ido,Iwantyoutoheadfor

therigandstarttheengine.If

it’swhatIthinkitisweneed

togetoutofhere.’

‘Drugsambush?’muttered

Donna,hergazesliding

behindme.

‘Mightbe.Orturf-related.

Weshouldhavehada

LocationMatch.I’msurethis

iswhereAndyGibsonhad

thatshooting.’

Itriedtokeepmyvoice

calm.‘What’sthedrop-hand

test?’

‘I’mgoingtoliftherhand

anddropitfromaboveher

face.Ifshe’sacting,she’ll

moveherhandratherthanhit

herownface.Theyalways

do.It’slikeareflex.Butif

there’ssomeonewatching,I

don’twantthemtogetwind

thatwe’veworkeditout.

Louisa,youactlikeyou’re

goingtogetsomemore

equipment,okay?I’lldoit

onceyou’vetextedmetosay

you’reattherig.Ifanyone’s

nearit,don’tgoin.Justturn

roundandcomestraightback

tome.Donna,getyourpack

together,andready.Yougo

afterher.Iftheyseetwoofus

leavingtogetherthey’ll

know.’

Hehandedmethekeys.I

pickedupabag,asifitwere

mine,andstartedtowalk

brisklytowardsthe

ambulance.Iwassuddenly

consciousofunseenpeople

watchingfromtheshadows;

myheartbeatwasthumping

inmyears.Itriedtomakemy

faceexpressionless,my

movementspurposeful.

Thewalkalongthe

echoingconcoursefelt

achinglylong.WhenI

reachedtheambulance,Ilet

outasighofrelief.Ireached

forthekeys,openedthedoor,

andasIsteppedup,avoice

calledfromtheshadows,

‘Miss.’Iglancedbehindme.

Nothing.‘Miss.’

Ayoungboyappeared

frombehindaconcretepillar,

anotherbehindhim,ahoodie

pulledforwardtoobscurehis

face.Itookastepback

towardstherig,myheart

racing.‘I’vegotback-upon

theway,’Isaid,tryingto

keepmyvoicesteady.

‘There’snodrugsinhere.

Youbothneedtobackoff.

Okay?’

‘Miss.He’sbythebins.

Theydon’twantyoutogetto

him.He’sbleedingrealbad,

miss.That’swhyEmeka’s

cousinisfakingitoutthere.

Todistractyouse.Soyouse’ll

goaway.’

‘What?Whatdoyou

mean?’

‘He’sbythebins.Yougot

tohelphim,miss.’

‘What?Wherearethe

bins?’

Buttheboyglancedwarily

behindhim,andwhenI

turnedtoaskagain,theyhad

disappearedintotheshadows.

Iglancedaround,tryingto

workoutwherehemeant.

AndthenIspiedit,overby

thegarages–theprotruding

edgeofabrightgreenplastic

rubbishcontainer.Iedged

alongtheshadowsofthe

ground-floorwalkway,outof

viewofthemainsquare,until

Isawanopendoorwayoutto

therefusearea.Iranover,

andthere,tuckedbehindthe

recyclingbin,apairoflegs

sprawled,tracksuitbottoms

soakedwithblood.Hisupper

halfwasslumpedunderthe

containersandIcrouched

down.Theboyturnedhis

headandgroanedquietly.

‘Hello?Canyouhearme?’

‘Theygotme.’

Bloodseepedstickilyfrom

whatlookedliketwowounds

tohislegs.‘Theygotme…’

Igrabbedmyphoneand

calledSam,myvoicelowand

urgent.‘I’moverbythebins,

toyourright.Please.Come

quick.’

Icouldseehim,looking

aroundslowlyuntilhe

spottedme.Twoelderly

people,Samaritansfroma

previousage,hadappeared

besidehim.Icouldseethem

askingquestionsaboutthe

fallengirl,theirfaces

blanketedwithconcern.He

gentlyplacedablanketover

thefakingcousin,asking

themtowatchoverher,then

walkedbrisklytowardsthe

rigwithhisbag,asiftoget

moreequipment.Donnahad

vanished.

Iopenedthebaghe’d

givenme,rippingopena

packofgauzeandplacingit

overtheboy’sleg,butthere

wassomuchblood.‘Okay.

Someone’scomingtohelp.

We’llhaveyouinthe

ambulanceinamoment.’I

soundedlikesomeoneoutof

abadfilm.Ihadnoideawhat

elsetosay.Comeon,Sam.

‘Yougottagetmeoutof

here.’Theboygroaned.Iput

myhandonhisarm,tryingto

keepcalm.Comeon,Sam.

Wherethehellareyou?And

suddenlyIheardtherig’s

enginestarting,andthereit

was,reversingthroughthe

garagestowardsmeatsome

speed,itsenginewhiningin

protest.Itbumpedtoahalt,

andDonnajumpedout.She

rantowardsme,threwopen

thebackdoors.‘Helpmeput

himin,’shesaid.‘We’re

gettingoutofhere.’

Therewasnotimefor

gurneys.SomewhereaboveI

heardshouting,multiple

footsteps.Weshoulderedthe

boytowardstheambulance,

shovinghimintotheback.

Donnaslammedthedoors

behindhimandIranforthe

cab,myheartracing,and

threwmyselfin,lockingthe

doors.Icouldseethemnow,

agangofmen,racing

towardsusaroundtheupper

floor,handsraisedwith–

what?Guns?Knives?Ifelt

somethinggrowliquidinside

me.Ilookedoutofthe

window.Samwaswalking

alongtheopenspace,hisface

turnedtothesky:hehadseen

themtoo.

Donnasawbeforehedid:

thegun,raisedintheman’s

hand.Shesworeloudlyand

slammedtherigintoreverse,

steeringitroundthegarage,

headedstraightforthe

grassedareawhereSamwas

stillwalkingtowardsus.I

couldjustmakehimout,the

greenofhisuniformgrowing

largerinthepassengermirror.

‘Sam!’Iyelledoutofmy

window.

Heglancedatme,thenup

atthem.‘Leavethe

ambulancealone,’heyelled

atthemen,overthewhineof

theambulance’sreversegear.

‘Backoff,allright?We’re

justdoingourjobs.’

‘Notnow,Sam.Notnow,’

Donnasaid,underherbreath.

Themenkeptrunning,

peeringoverasifcalculating

thequickestwaydown,

relentless,movingforward

likeatide.Onevaulted

nimblyoverawall,swinging

hiswayeasilydownaflight

ofstairs.Iwantedtoskidout

oftheresobadlyIwaslimp

withit.

ButSamwasstillwalking

towardsthem,hishands

raised,palmsup.‘Leavethe

ambulance,boys,okay?

We’rejustheretohelp.’His

voicewascalmand

authoritative,betrayingnone

ofthefearthatIfelt.And

thenIsawthroughtheback

windowthatthemenhad

slowed.Theywerewalking

now,notrunning.Adistant

partofmethought,Oh,thank

God.Theboylaybehindus,

stillmoaning.

‘That’sit,’saidDonna,

leaningaround.‘Comeon,

Sam.Inyoucome.Comeon

overherenow.Andwecan

getthe–’

Bang.

Thesoundcutthroughthe

air,amplifiedintheempty

spacesothatIfelt,briefly,as

ifmywholeheadhad

expandedandcontractedwith

thesound.Andthen,too

quickly–

Bang.

Iyelped.

‘Whatthef—’Donna

yelled.

‘Weneedtogetoutof

here,man!’theboyshouted.

Ilookedback,willingSam

togetin.Getinnow.Please.

ButSamhadgone.No,not

gone.Therewassomething

ontheground:ahigh-

visibilityjacket.Ayellow

stainonthegreyconcrete.

Everythingstopped.

No,Ithought.No.

Theambulancescreeched

toahalt.ThenDonnawas

out,andIwasrunningafter

her.Samwasmotionlessand

therewasblood,somuch

blood,seepingoutwardsina

steadilyexpandingpool

aroundhim.Inthedistance

thetwooldpeoplescrambled

stifflytowardsthesafetyof

theirdoor,thegirlwhowas

supposedlyimmobile

sprintingacrossthegrassat

thespeedofanathlete.And

themenwerestillcoming,

runningdowntheupper

walkwaytowardsus.Itasted

metalinmymouth.

‘Lou!Grabhim.’We

hauledSamtowardstheback

oftherig.Hewasleaden,as

ifheweredeliberately

resisting.Ipulledathis

collar,hisarmpits,mybreath

cominginshortbursts.His

facewaschalk-white,huge

blackshadowsunderhishalf-

closedeyes,asifhehadnot

sleptforahundredyears.His

bloodagainstmyskin.Why

hadInotknownhowwarm

bloodis?Donnawasalready

intherig,haulingathim,and

wewerepushing,heaving,a

sobinmythroatasIpulledat

hisarms,hislegs.‘Helpme!’

Iwasshouting,asiftherewas

anyonewhocould.‘Help

me!’

Andthenhewasin,hisleg

atthewrongangle,andthe

doorsslammedbehindme.

Crack!Somethinghitthe

topoftherig.Iscreamedand

ducked.Somepartofme

thoughtabsently,Isthisit?Is

thishowIdie,inmybad

jeans,whileafewmilesaway

myparentsargueabout

birthdaycakeswithmy

sister?Theboyonthegurney

wasscreaming,hisvoice

shrillwithfear.Andthenthe

ambulanceskiddedforwards,

steeringrightasthemen

approachedusfromtheleft.I

sawahandrise,andthoughtI

heardagunshot.Iducked

againinstinctively.

‘Bloodyhell!’Donna

sworeandswervedagain.

Iraisedmyhead.Icould

makeouttheexit.Donna

steeredhardleft,thenright,

theambulancealmostontwo

wheelsasshehurleditaround

thecorner.Thewingmirror

clippedacar.Someonedived

towardsusbutDonna

swervedoncemoreandkept

going.Iheardthethumpofan

angryfistontheside.And

thenwewereoutontheroad,

andtheyoungmenwere

behindus,slowingtoa

furious,defeatedjogasthey

watchedusgo.

‘Jesus.’

Thebluelighton,Donna

radioingaheadtothehospital,

wordsIcouldn’tmakeout

throughthethumpinginmy

ears.IwascradlingSam’s

face,greyandcoveredwitha

finesheen,hiseyesglassy.

Hewascompletelysilent.

‘WhatdoIdo?’Iyelledat

Donna.‘WhatdoIdo?’She

screechedarounda

roundaboutandherhead

swivelledbrieflytowardsme.

‘Findtheinjury.Whatcan

yousee?’

‘It’shisstomach.There’sa

hole.Twoholes.Thereisso

muchblood.Oh,God,there’s

somuchblood.’Myhands

cameawayredandglossy.

Mybreathcameinshort

bursts.Ifelt,briefly,asifI

mightfaint.

‘Ineedyoutobecalm

now,Louisa,okay?Ishe

breathing?Canyoufeela

pulse?’

Ichecked,feltsomething

insidemesagwithrelief.

‘Yes.’

‘Ican’tstop.We’retoo

close.Elevatehisfeet,okay?

Pushuphisknees.Keepthe

bloodnearhischest.Now

makesurehisshirtisopen.

Ripit.Justgettoit.Canyou

describethewound?’

Thatstomach,whichhad

lainwarmandsmoothand

solidagainstmine,nowared,

gapingmess.Asobescaped

mythroat.‘Oh,God…’

‘Don’tyoupanicnow,

Louisa.Youhearme?We’re

nearlythere.Youhaveto

applypressure.Comeon,you

candothis.Usethegauze

fromthepack.Thebigone.

Whatever,juststophim

bleedingout.Okay?’

Sheturnedbacktothe

road,sendingtheambulance

thewrongwayupaone-way

street.Theboyonthegurney

sworesoftly,nowlostinhis

ownprivateworldofpain.

Ahead,carsswerved

obedientlyoutofthewayon

thesodium-litroad,waves

partingonthetarmac.A

siren,alwaysasiren.

‘Paramedicdown.Irepeat

paramedicdown.Gunshot

woundtotheabdomen!’

Donnayelledintotheradio.

‘ETAthreeminutes.We’re

goingtoneedacrashcart.’

Iunwrappedthebandages,

myhandsshaking,andripped

openSam’sshirt,bracing

myselfastheambulancetore

roundcorners.Howcould

thisbethemanwhohadbeen

arguingwithmejustfifteen

minutesearlier?Howcould

someonesosolidjustbe

ebbingawayinfrontofme?

‘Sam?Canyouhearme?’I

wascrouchedoverhimnow

onmyknees,myjeans

darkeningred.Hiseyes

closed.Whentheyopened,

theyseemedtofixon

somethingfaraway.Iputmy

facedownsothatIwas

directlyinhisfieldofvision

andforasecondhiseyes

lockedontomineandIsawa

flickerofsomethingthat

couldhavebeenrecognition.

Itookholdofhishand,as

hehadonceheldminein

anotherambulance,amillion

yearsago.‘You’regoingto

beokay,youhearme?

You’regoingtobeokay.’

Nothing.Hedidn’teven

seemtoregistermyvoice.

‘Sam?Lookatme,Sam.’

Nothing.

Iwasthere,backinthat

Swissroom,Will’sface

turningawayfrommine.

Losinghim.

‘No.Don’tyoudare.’I

placedmyfaceagainsthis,

mywordsfallinghisear.

‘Sam.Youstaywithme,you

hear?’Myhandwasonthe

gauzedressing,mybodyover

his,judderingwiththe

rockingoftheambulance.

Therewasthesoundof

sobbinginmyearsandI

realizeditwasmyown.I

turnedhisfacewithmy

hands,forcinghimtolookat

me.‘Staywithme!Youhear

me?Sam?Sam!Sam!’Ihad

neverknownfearlikeit.It

wasinthestillingofhisgaze,

thewetwarmthofhisblood,

arisingtide.

Theclosingofadoor.

‘Sam!’

Theambulancehad

stopped.

Donnaleapedintothe

back.Sherippedopenaclear

plasticpouch,pullingout

drugs,whitepadding,a

syringe,injectedsomething

intoSam’sarm.Withshaking

handsshehookedhimuptoa

drip,andplacedanoxygen

maskoverhisface.Icould

hearbeepingoutside.Iwas

tremblingviolently.‘Stay

there!’shecommanded,asI

madetoscrambleoutofher

way.‘Keepthatpressure.

That’sit–that’sgood.

You’redoinggreat.’Herface

loweredtohis.‘Comeon,

mate.Comeon,Sam.Nearly

there.’Icouldhearsirensas

sheworked,stilltalking,her

handsswiftandcompetenton

theequipment,alwaysbusy,

alwaysmoving.‘You’re

goingtobefine,myold

mucker.Justhangoninthere,

okay?’Themonitorwas

flickeringgreenandblack.

Thesoundofbeeping.

Thenthedoorsopened

again,floodingthe

ambulancewithswinging

neonlight,andtherewere

paramedics,greenuniforms,

whitecoats,haulingoutthe

boy,stillcomplainingand

swearing,thenSam,lifting

himgentlyawayfromme

intothedarknight.Blood

swilledonthefloorofthe

ambulanceandasImadeto

standupIslippedandputa

handouttorightmyself.It

camebackred.

Theirvoicesreceded.I

caughtaflashofDonna’s

face,whitewithanxiety.A

barkedinstruction:‘Straight

totheatre.’Iwasleftstanding

betweentheambulance

doors,watchingastheyran

withhim,theirboots

clumpingacrossthetarmac.

Thedoorsofthehospital

openedandswallowedhim,

andastheyclosedagain,I

wasaloneinthesilenceofthe

carpark.

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

S E V E N

Hoursspentonhospital

seatinghaveastrange,elastic

quality.Ihadhardlynoticed

themwhenIwaitedforWill

duringhischeck-ups;Ihad

readmagazines,peckedout

messagesonmyphone,

strolleddownstairsfortoo-

stronghospitalcoffeeonan

overpricedconcourse,

worriedaboutcar-parking

charges.Moanedwithout

reallymeaningitabouthow

longthesethingsalwaystook.

NowIsatonamoulded

plasticchair,mymindnumb,

mygazefixedonawall,

unabletotellhowlongIhad

beenthere.Icouldn’tthink.I

couldn’tfeel.Ijustexisted:

me,theplasticchair,the

squeakylinoleumundermy

bloodiedtennisshoes.

Thestrip-lightingoverhead

wasaharshconstant,

illuminatingthenurseswho

walkedbrisklypast,barely

givingmeasecondlook.

SometimeafterIhadcome

in,oneofthemhadbeenkind

enoughtoshowmea

bathroomsothatIcould

cleanmyhands,butIcould

stillseeSam’sbloodinthe

dipsaroundmynails,rust-

colouredcuticlesthathinted

atanot-so-distantatrocity.

Piecesofhiminpiecesofme.

Piecesofhimwherethey

shouldn’tbe.

WhenIclosedmyeyesI

heardthevoices,thesharp

thwackofthebullethitting

theroofoftheambulance,the

echooftheshot,thesiren,the

siren,thesiren.Isawhisface,

thebriefmomentwhenhe

hadlookedatmeandthere

hadbeennothing–noalarm,

nothingexceptperhapsa

vaguebemusementatfinding

himselfthereonthefloor,

unabletomove.

AndIkeptseeingthose

wounds,notneatlittleholes

likegunshotinjuriesin

movies,butliving,pulsing

things,pushingoutbloodas

iftheyweretrying

maliciouslytoridhimofit.

Isatmotionlessonthat

plasticchairbecauseIdidn’t

knowhowtodoanything

else.Somewhereattheendof

thatcorridorwerethe

operatingtheatres.Hewasin

thererightnow.Hewasalive

orhewasdead.Hewasbeing

wheeledtosomedistant

ward,surroundedbyrelieved,

high-fivingcolleagues,or

someonewaspullingthat

greenclothupoverhis–

Myheadsankintomy

handsandIlistenedtomy

breath,inandout.Inandout.

Mybodysmeltunfamiliar:of

bloodandantisepticand

somethingsourleftoverfrom

visceralfear.PeriodicallyI

wouldobservedistantlythat

myhandsweretrembling,but

Iwasn’tsureifitwaslow

bloodsugarorexhaustion,

andsomehowthethoughtof

tryingtofindfoodwasway

beyondme.Movementwas

beyondme.

Mysisterhadtextedme

sometimeago.

Whereareyou?We’re

goingforpizza.Theyare

talking,butIneedyouhere

asUnitedNations.

Ihadn’tanswered.I

couldn’tworkoutwhatto

say.

Heistalkingabouther

hairylegsagain.Please

come.Thiscouldgetugly.

Shehasafearsomeaimwith

adoughball.

IclosedmyeyesandItried

torememberwhatitfeltlike,

aweekago,tolieonthegrass

besideSam,thewayhis

stretched-outlegswereso

muchlongerthanmine,the

reassuringscentofhiswarm

shirt,thelowrumbleofhis

voice,thesunonmyface.

Hisface,turningtowards

minetostealkisses,theway

helookedsecretlypleased

aftereveryone.Themanner

inwhichhewalked,set

slightlyforwardyethis

weightsocentred,themost

solidmanIhadevermet–as

ifnothingcouldknockhim

down.

Ifeltthebuzzandpulled

myphonefrommypocket,

readmysister’smessage.

Whereareyou?Mumgetting

worried.Icheckedthetime:

10:48p.m.Icouldn’tbelieve

Iwasthesamepersonwho

hadwokenthatmorningand

droppedLilyatthestation.I

leanedbackinthechair,

thoughtforamomentand

begantotype.I’mattheCity

hospital.There’sbeenan

accident.I’mfine.I’llbeback

whenIknow

Myfingerhoveredoverthe

keys.Iblinkedand,aftera

moment,pressedsend.

AndIclosedmyeyesand

prayed.

Icametowithastartatthe

soundoftheswingdoors.My

motherwaswalkingbriskly

downthecorridor,hergood

coaton,herarmsalready

outstretched.

‘Whatthehellhappened?’

Treenawasclosebehind,

draggingThom,inhis

pyjamaswithananorakover

thetop.‘Mumdidn’twantto

comewithoutDadandI

wasn’tgoingtobeleft

behind.’Thomlookedatme

sleepilyandwavedadamp

hand.

‘Wehadnocluewhathad

happenedtoyou!’Mumsat

downbesideme,studyingmy

face.‘Whydidn’tyousay?’

‘What’sgoingon?’

‘Samhasbeenshot.’

‘Shot?Yourparamedic

man?’

‘Withagun?’saidTreena.

Itwasthenthatmymother

registeredmyjeans.She

gazedattheredstains,

disbelieving,andturned

mutelytomyfather.

‘Iwaswithhim.’

Shepressedherhandsto

hermouth.‘Areyouokay?’

Andthen,whenshesawthe

answerwasyes,atleast

physically,‘Is…isheokay?’

Thefourofthemstood

beforeme,theirfaces

immobilizedbyshockand

concern.Iwassuddenly

utterlyrelievedtohavethem

there.‘Idon’tknow,’Isaid,

andasmyfatherstepped

forwardtotakemeinhis

arms,Ifinallybegantocry.

Wesatforseveralyears,my

familyandI,onthoseplastic

chairs.Orsomethingcloseto

that.Thomfellasleepon

Treena’slap,hisfacepale

underthestrip-lights,his

batteredcuddlycatpressed

intothesilkysoftspace

betweenhisneckandchin.

DadandMumsatoneach

sideofmeandatanytime

oneofthemwouldholdmy

handorstrokethesideofmy

faceandtellmeitwasgoing

tobeokay.Ileanedagainst

Dadandletthetearsfall

silently,andMumwipedmy

facewithherever-present

cleanhandkerchief.

Periodicallyshewouldhead

offonareccetriparoundthe

hospitalforhotdrinks.

‘She’dneverhavedone

thatbyherselfayearago,’

Dadsaid,thefirsttimeshe

disappeared.Icouldn’ttell

whetheritwassaid

admiringlyorwithregret.

Wespokelittle.Therewas

nothingtosay.Thewords

repeatedinmyheadlikea

mantra–Justlethimbeokay.

Justlethimbeokay.Justlet

himbeokay.

Thisiswhatcatastrophe

does:itstripsawaythefluff

andthewhitenoise,the

shouldIreallyandthebut

whatif.IwantedSam.Iknew

itwithastingingclarity.I

wantedtofeelhisarms

aroundme,hearhimtalking,

andsitinthecabofhis

ambulance.Iwantedhimto

makemeasaladwiththings

hehadgrowninhisgarden

andIwantedtofeelhis

warm,barechestriseandfall

steadilyundermyarmwhile

heslept.WhyhadInotbeen

abletotellhimthat?Why

hadIwastedsomuchtime

worryingaboutwhatwasnot

important?

Then,asMumcame

throughthedoorsatthefar

end,bearingacardboard

holderwithfourteasinit,the

doorstothetheatresopened

andDonnaemerged,her

uniformstillsmearedwith

blood,trailingherhands

throughherhair.Istood.She

slowedinfrontofus,her

expressiongrave,hereyes

red-rimmedandexhausted.

ForamomentIthoughtI

mightpassout.Hereyesmet

mine.‘Toughasoldboots,

thatone.’

AsIletoutaninvoluntary

sob,shetouchedmyarm.

‘Youdidgood,Lou,’she

said,andletoutalong,shaky

breath.‘Youdidgood

tonight.’

Hespentthenightin

intensivecare,andwas

transferredtoahigh-

dependencyunitinthe

morning.Donnacalledhis

parents,andsaidshewould

stopbyhisplaceaftershe’d

hadsomesleeptofeedhis

animals.Wewentintosee

himtogethershortlyafter

midnight,buthewasasleep,

stillashen,amaskobscuring

mostofhisface.Iwantedto

moveclosertohimbutIwas

afraidtotouchhim,hooked

upashewastoallthose

wiresandtubesandmonitors.

‘Hereallyisgoingtobe

okay?’

Shenodded.Anurse

movedsilentlyaroundthe

bed,checkinglevels,taking

hispulse.

‘Wewereluckyitwasan

olderhandgun.Alotofkids

aregettingholdofsemi-

automaticsnow.Thatwould

havebeenit.’Sherubbedat

hereyes.‘It’llprobablybeon

thenews,ifnothingelse

happens.Mindyou,another

crewdealtwiththemurderof

amotherandbabyonAthena

Roadlastnight,soit’s

possibleitwon’tbenewsat

all.’

Itoremygazefromhim,

andturnedtoher.‘Willyou

carryon?’

‘Carryon?’

‘Asaparamedic.’

Shepulledaface,asifshe

didn’treallyunderstandthe

question.‘Ofcourse.It’smy

job.’Shepattedmeonthe

shoulderandturnedtowards

thedoor.‘Getsomesleep,

Lou.Heprobablywon’twake

upuntiltomorrowanyway.

He’sabouteighty-sevenper

centfentanylrightnow.’

Myparentswerewaiting

whenIsteppedbackintothe

corridor.Theydidn’tsay

anything.Igaveasmallnod.

DadtookmyarmandMum

pattedmyback.‘Let’sget

youhome,love,’shesaid.

‘Andintosomecleanthings.’

Itturnsoutthereisa

particulartoneofvoicethat

emanatesfromanemployer

who,severalmonths

previously,hadtolistento

howyoucouldn’tcometo

workasyouhadfallenoffthe

fifthfloorofabuilding,and

nowwouldliketoswapshifts

becauseamanwhomayor

maynotbeyourboyfriend

hasbeenshottwiceinthe

stomach.

‘You–hehas–what?’

‘Hewasshottwice.He’s

outofintensivecarebutI’d

liketobetherethismorning

whenhecomesto.SoIwas

wonderingifIcouldswap

shiftswithyou.’

Therewasashortsilence.

‘Right…Uh.Okay.’He

hesitated.‘Hewasactually

shot?Withanactualgun?’

‘Youcancomeandinspect

theholes,ifyoulike.’My

voicewassocalmIalmost

laughed.

Wediscussedacouple

morelogisticaldetails–calls

thatneededtobemade,a

visitfromHeadOffice,and

beforeIrangoff,Richard

grewsilentforamoment.

Thenhesaid,‘Louisa,isyour

lifealwayslikethis?’

IthoughtofwhoIhad

beenjusttwoandahalfyears

ago,mydaysmeasuredinthe

shortwalkbetweenmy

parents’houseandthecafé;

theTuesday-nightroutinesof

watchingPatrickrunningor

supperwithmyparents.I

lookeddownattherubbish

baginthecorner,whichnow

containedmybloodstained

tennisshoes.‘Possibly.

AlthoughI’dliketothinkit’s

justaphase.’

Afterbreakfast,myparents

leftforhome.Mymother

didn’twanttogo,butI

assuredherthatIwasfine,

andthatIdidn’tknowwhere

Iwouldbeforthenextfew

dayssotherewouldbelittle

pointinherstaying.Ialso

remindedherthatthelast

timeGranddadwasleftalone

formorethantwenty-four

hourshehadeatenhisway

throughtwopotsofraspberry

jamandatinofcondensed

milkinlieuofactualmeals.

‘Youreallyareallright,

though.’Sheheldherhandto

thesideofmyface.Shesaid

itasthoughitwasn’ta

question,althoughitclearly

was.

‘Mum,I’mfine.’

Sheshookherheadand

madetopickupherbag.‘I

don’tknow,Louisa.Youdo

pickthem.’

Shewastakenabackwhen

Ilaughed.Itmighthavebeen

leftovershock.ButIliketo

thinkitwasthenthatI

realizedIwasn’tafraidof

anythinganymore.

Ishowered,tryingnottolook

atthepinkwaterthatran

frommylegs,andwashedmy

hair,boughttheleastlimp

bunchofflowersIcouldfind

atSamir’s,andheadedback

tothehospitalfortena.m.

Sam’sparentshadarrived

severalhourspreviously,the

nursetoldme,assheledme

tothedoor.Theyhadheaded

overtotherailwaycarriage

withJakeandJake’sfatherto

fetchSam’sbelongings.

‘Hewasn’tverywithit

whentheycamebuthe’s

makingmoresensenow,’she

said.‘It’snotunusualwhen

they’rerecentlyoutof

theatre.Somepeoplejust

bouncebackquickerthan

others.’

Islowedaswereachedthe

door.Icouldseehimnow

throughtheglass,hiseyes

closed,astheyhadbeenlast

night,hishand,strappedupto

variousmonitors,lying

motionlessalongsidehis

body.Therewasstubbleon

hischinandwhilehewasstill

ghostlypale,helookedalittle

morelikehimself.

‘YousureI’mokaytogo

in?’

‘You’reLouise,right?

He’sbeenaskingforyou.’

Shesmiledandwrinkledher

nose.‘Giveusashoutifyou

gettiredofthatone.He’s

lovely.’

Ipushedthedoorslowly

andhiseyesopened,hisface

turningslightly.Helookedat

methen,asifheweretaking

mein,andsomethinginside

meweakenedwithrelief.

‘Somepeoplewilldo

anythingtobeatmeonthe

scarfront.’Iclosedthedoor

behindme.

‘Yeah.Well.’Hisvoice

emergedasacroak.‘I’ve

gonerightoffthatgame.’He

gaveasmall,tiredsmile.

Istood,shiftingmyweight

fromonefoottotheother.I

hatedhospitals.Iwoulddo

almostanythingneverto

enteroneagain.

‘Comehere.’

Iputtheflowersonthe

tableandwalkedovertohim.

Hemovedhisarm,motioning

formetositonthebedbeside

him.Isat,andthen,because

itfeltwrongtobelooking

downathim,Ilayback,

positioningmyselfcarefully,

waryofdislodging

something,ofhurtinghim.I

placedmyheadonhis

shoulderandfeltthewelcome

weightofhisheadcometo

restagainstmine.Hislower

armlifted,gentlyhookingme

in.Welaythereinsilencefor

awhile,listeningtothesoft-

shoeshuffleofthenurses

outside,thedistant

conversation.

‘Ithoughtyouweredead,’

Iwhispered.

‘Apparentlysomeamazing

womanwhoshouldn’thave

beeninthebackofthe

ambulancemanagedtoslow

mybloodloss.’

‘That’ssomewoman.’

‘Ithoughtso.’

Iclosedmyeyes,feeling

thewarmthofhisskinagainst

mycheek,theunwelcome

scentofchemicaldisinfectant

emanatingfromhisbody.I

didn’tthinkaboutanything.I

justletmyselfexistinthe

moment,thedeep,deep

pleasureofbeingtherenext

tohim,offeelingtheweight

ofhimbesideme,thespace

hetookupintheatmosphere.

Ishiftedmyheadandkissed

thesoftskinontheinsideof

hisarm,andfelthisfingers

tracetheirwaygentlythrough

myhair.

‘Youscaredme,

AmbulanceSam.’

Therewasalongsilence.I

couldhearhimthinkingthe

millionthingshechosenotto

say.

‘I’mgladyou’rehere,’he

saideventually.

Welaythereforabit

longer,insilence.Andwhen

thenursefinallycameinand

raisedaneyebrowatmy

proximitytovarious

importanttubesandwires,I

climbedreluctantlyoffthe

bedandobeyedher

instructionstogetsome

breakfastwhileshedidher

medicalthing.Ikissedhim,a

littleself-consciously,and

whenIstrokedhishairhis

eyesliftedslightlyatthe

cornersandIsaw,with

gratitude,somethingofwhatI

wastohim.‘I’llbebackafter

myshift,’Isaid.

‘Youmightbumpintomy

parents.’Hesaiditasa

warning.

‘That’sfine,’Isaid.‘I’ll

makesureI’mnotwearing

myFuckDaPoliceT-shirt.’

Helaughed,thengrimaced,

asiflaughingwerepainful.

Ifussedaroundalittle

whilethenurseswereseeing

tohim,doingthethingsthat

peopledoatpatients’

bedsideswhenthey’resimply

lookingforanexcusetohang

around;Iputoutsomefruit,

disposedofatissue,

organizedsomemagazines

thatIknewhewouldn’tread.

Andthenitwastimetogo.I

hadmadeitasfarasthedoor

whenhespoke.‘Iheardyou.’

Myhandwasoutstretched,

readytoopenit.Iturned.

‘Lastnight.WhenIwas

bleedingout.Iheardyou.’

Oureyeslocked.Andin

thatmomenteverything

shifted.IsawwhatIhad

reallydone.IsawthatIcould

besomebody’scentre,their

reasonforstaying.Isawthat

Icouldbeenough.Iwalked

back,tookSam’sfaceinmy

handsandkissedhim

fiercely,feelinghottearsfall

uncheckedontohisface,his

armpullingmeintightlyas

hekissedmeback.Ipressed

mycheekagainsthis,half

laughing,halfweeping,

oblivioustothenurses,to

anythingexcepttheman

beforeme.Then,finally,I

turnedandwalked

downstairs,wipingmyface,

laughingatmytears,ignoring

thecuriousfacesofthe

peoplewhopassed.

Thedaywasbeautiful,

evenunderstrip-lights.

Outsidebirdssang,anew

morningdawned,people

livedandgrewandgotbetter

andlookedforwardtogetting

older.Iboughtacoffeeand

ateanover-sweetmuffinand

theytastedlikethemost

deliciousthingsIhadever

had.Isentmessagestomy

parents,toTreena,to

Richard,tellinghimIwould

beinshortly.ItextedLily:

Thoughtyoumightwantto

knowSamisinhospital.He

gotshotbuthe’sokay.Iknow

he’dloveitifyoudropped

himacard.Orevenjusta

textifyou’rebusy.

Theanswerpingedback

withinseconds.Ismiled.

Howdidgirlsofthatagetype

soquicklywhentheydid

everythingelsesoslowly?

OMG.Ijusttoldtheother

girlsandI’mbasicallynow

thecoolestpersontheyknow.

Seriouslythoughgivehimmy

love.Ifyoutextmehisdetails

I’llgethimacardafter

school.OhandI’msorryfor

showingofftohiminmy

pantsthattime.Ididn’tmean

it.Likenotinapervyway.

Hopeyouguysarereally

happy.Xxx

Ididn’twaittorespond.I

lookedatthehospital

cafeteriaandtheshuffling

patientsandthebrightblue

daythroughtheskylightand

myfingershitthekeysbefore

IknewwhatIwassaying.

Iam.

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

E I G H T

Jakewaswaitingunderthe

porchwhenIarrivedatthe

MovingOnCircle.Itwas

rainingheavily,denseclouds

thecolourofheatherabruptly

unleashingathunderstorm

thatoverwhelmedguttersand

soakedmeinthetenseconds

ittooktorunacrossthecar

park.

‘Aren’tyougoingin?It’s

filthyout–’

Hesteppedforward,and

hislankyarmsenfoldedmein

aswift,awkwardhugasI

reachedthedoor.

‘Oh!’Iliftedmyhands,not

wantingtodripalloverhim.

Hereleasedmeandtooka

stepback.‘Donnatoldus

whatyoudid.Ijust–you

know–wantedtosay

thanks.’

Hiseyeswerestrained,and

shadowed,andIrealized

whattheselastdaysmust

havebeenlikeforhim,so

closetohavinglosthis

mother.‘He’stough,’Isaid.

‘He’sbloodyTeflon,’he

said,andwelaughed

awkwardly,inthewayBritish

peopledowhenthey’re

experiencinggreatemotion.

Inthemeeting,Jakespoke

unusuallyvolubly,aboutthe

factthathisgirlfrienddidn’t

understandwhatgriefwas

likeforhim.‘Shedoesn’tget

whysomemorningsIjust

wanttostayinbedwiththe

coversovermyhead.Orwhy

Igetabitpanickyabout

thingshappeningtopeopleI

love.Literallynothingbad

hashappenedtoher.Ever.

Evenherpetrabbitisstill

aliveandit’s,like,nineyears

old.’

‘Ithinkpeoplegetboredof

grief,’saidNatasha.‘It’slike

you’reallowedsome

unspokenallottedtime–six

months,maybe–andthen

theygetfaintlyirritatedthat

you’renot“better”.It’slike

you’rebeingself-indulgent

hangingontoyour

unhappiness.’

‘Yes!’Therewasa

murmurofagreementfrom

aroundthecircle.

‘Isometimesthinkitwould

beeasierifwestillhadto

wearwidows’weeds,’said

Daphne.‘Theneveryone

couldknowyouwerestill

grieving.’

‘Maybelikelearnerplates,

so,youknow,yougota

differentsetofcoloursaftera

year.Maybemovefromblack

toadeeppurple,’said

Leanne.

‘Comingupallthewayto

yellowwhenyouwerereally

happyagain,’Natasha

grinned.

‘Oh,no.Yellowisawful

withmycomplexion.’

Daphnesmiledcautiously.

‘I’llhavetostayabit

miserable.’

Ilistenedtotheirstoriesin

thedankchurchhall–the

tentativestepsforwardover

tiny,emotionalobstacles.

Fredhadjoinedabowling

league,andwasenjoying

havinganotherreasontogo

outonTuesdays,onethat

didn’tinvolvetalkingabout

hislatewife.Sunilhad

agreedtolethismother

introducehimtoadistant

cousinfromEltham.‘I’mnot

reallyintothewhole

arranged-marriagethingbut,

tobehonest,I’mhavingno

luckwithothermethods.I

keeptellingmyselfshe’smy

mother.She’shardlygoingto

setmeupwithsomeone

horrible.’

‘Ithinkit’salovelyidea,’

saidDaphne.‘Mymother

wouldprobablyhavespotted

whichtreemyAlanbarked

uplongbeforeIdid.Shewas

eversuchagoodjudge.’

IviewedthemasifIwere

ontheoutsideofsomething

lookingin.Ilaughedattheir

jokes,wincedinternallyat

theirtalesofinappropriate

tearsormisjudgedcomments.

ButwhatbecameclearasI

satonmyplasticchairand

drankmyinstantcoffeewas

thatIhadsomehowfound

myselfontheotherside.I

hadcrossedabridge.Their

strugglewasnolongermy

struggle.Itwasn’tthatI

wouldeverstopgrievingfor

Will,orlovinghim,or

missinghim,butthatmylife

seemedtohavesomehow

landedbackinthepresent.

Anditwaswithagrowing

satisfactionthatIfound,even

asIsattherewithpeopleI

nowknewandtrusted,I

wantedtobesomewhereelse:

besidealargemanina

hospitalbedwhoIknew,to

myuttergratitude,would

evennowbeglancingupat

theclockinthecorner,

wonderinghowlongitwas

goingtotakemetogetto

him.

‘Nothingfromyoutonight,

Louisa?’

Marcwaslookingatme,

oneeyebrowraised.

Ishookmyhead.‘I’m

good.’

Hesmiled,perhaps

recognizingsomethinginmy

tone.‘Good.’

‘Yes.Actually,IthinkI

don’tneedtobehereany

more.I’m…okay.’

‘Iknewtherewas

somethingdifferentabout

you,’saidNatasha,leaning

forwardsandeyeingme

almostsuspiciously.

‘It’stheshagging,’said

Fred.‘I’msurethat’sthe

cure.IbetI’dhavegotover

Jillymuchfasterwithallthe

shagging.’

NatashaandWilliam

exchangedastrangelook.

‘I’dliketocomeuntilthe

endoftheterm,ifit’sokay,’I

saidtoMarc.‘It’sjust…I’ve

cometothinkofyouallas

myfriends.Imightnotneed

it,butIwouldstillliketo

comeforabitlonger.Justto

makesure.And,youknow,to

seeeveryone.’

Jakegaveasmallsmile.

‘Weshouldprobablygo

dancing,’saidNatasha.

‘Youcancomeforaslong

asyouwant,’saidMarc.

‘That’swhatwe’reherefor.’

Myfriends.Amotley

group,butthenmostfriends

are.

Orecchiettecookedaldente,

pine-nuts,basil,home-grown

tomatoes,olives,tunaand

Parmesancheese.Ihadmade

thepastasaladtotherecipe

Lilygavemeoverthephone

asshewasfedinstructionsby

hergrandmother.

‘Goodinvalidfood,’

Camillashouted,fromsome

distantkitchen.‘Easyto

digestifhe’sspendingalot

oftimelyingdown.’

‘I’djustbuyhima

takeaway,’mutteredLily.

‘Poorman’ssuffered

enough.’Shecackledquietly.

‘Anyway,Ithoughtyou

preferredhimlyingdown.’

Iwalkedalongthehospital

corridorlaterthatevening

feelingquietlyproudofmy

littleTupperwareboxof

domesticity.Ihadmadethis

supperthenightbeforeand

nowcarrieditinfrontofme

likeabadgeofhonour,half

hopingsomeonewouldstop

meandaskwhatitwas.Yes,

myboyfriendisrecuperating.

Ibringhimfoodeveryday.

Justlittlethingshemight

fancy.YouknowIgrewthese

tomatoesmyself?

Sam’swoundswere

beginningtoheal,theinternal

damageclearing.Hetriedto

getuptoooften,andwas

grumpyaboutbeingstuckin

bedandworriedabouthis

animals,eventhoughDonna,

JakeandIhadsetupa

reasonablygoodanimal

husbandryschedule.

Twotothreeweeks,the

consultantsreckoned.Ifhe

didwhathewastold.Given

theextentofhisinjurieshe

hadbeenlucky.Morethan

oneconversationhadtaken

placeinmypresencewhere

medicalprofessionalshad

murmured,‘Acentimetrethe

otherwayand…’Isangla-

la-la-la-la-lainmyhead

duringthoseconversations.

Ireachedhiscorridorand

buzzedmyselfin,cleaning

myhandswiththe

antibacterialfoam,asI

pushedatthedoorwithmy

hip.

‘Evening,’saidthenurse

withglasses.‘You’relate!’

‘Hadtogotoameeting.’

‘Youjustmissedhismum.

Shebroughthimthemost

delicioushomemadesteak

andalepie.Youcouldsmell

itallthewaydowntheward.

We’restillsalivating.’

‘Oh.’Iloweredmybox.

‘That’snice.’

‘Goodtoseehimtuckin.

Theconsultantwillberound

inabouthalfanhour.’

Iwasjustabouttoputthe

Tupperwareintomybag

whenmyphonerang.I

pressedanswer,stillwrestling

withthezip.

‘Louisa?’

‘Yes?’

‘It’sLeonardGopnik.’

Ittookmetwosecondsto

speak,thenstoodverystill,

glancingaroundmestupidly

asifhecouldbesomewhere

nearby.

‘MrGopnik.’

‘Igotyouremail.’

‘Right.’Iputthefood

containeronthechair.

‘Itwasaninterestingread.

Iwasprettysurprisedwhen

youturneddownmyjob

offer.AswasNathan.You

seemedsuitedtoit.’

‘It’slikeIsaidinmy

email.Ididwantit,Mr

Gopnik,butI…well…

thingscameup.’

‘Soisthisgirldoingokay

now?’

‘Lily.Yes.She’sinschool.

She’shappy.She’swithher

family.Hernewfamily.It

wasjustaperiodof…

adjustment.’

‘Youtookthatvery

seriously.’

‘I’mnotthekindofperson

whocanjustleavesomeone

behind.’

Therewasalongsilence.I

turnedawayfromSam’s

roomandgazedoutofthe

windowatthecarpark,

watchingasanoversized4x4

triedandfailedtonegotiate

itswayintoatoo-small

parkingspace.Forwardsand

backwards.Icouldseeit

wasn’tgoingtofit.

‘Sohere’sthething,

Louisa.It’snotworkingout

withournewemployee.

She’snothappy.For

whateverreasonsheandmy

wifearenotreally

comfortablewitheachother.

Bymutualagreementshe’s

leavingattheendofthe

month.Whichleavesmewith

aproblem.’

Ilistened.

‘Iwouldliketoofferyou

thejob.ButIdon’tlike

upheaval,especiallywhenit

involvespeopleclosetome.

SoIguessI’mcalling

becauseI’mtryingtogeta

clearpictureofwhatitisyou

actuallywant.’

‘Oh,Ididreallywantit.

ButI–’

Ifeltahandonmy

shoulder.Ispunaround,and

therewasSam,leaning

againstthewall.‘I–er–’

‘Yougotanotherposition?’

‘Igotapromotion.’

‘Isitapositionyouwantto

stayin?’

Samwaswatchingmy

face.

‘N-notnecessarily.But–’

‘Butobviouslyyouhaveto

weighitallup.Okay.Well,I

imaginethatI’veprobably

caughtyoubysurprisewith

thiscall.Butonthebackof

whatyouwroteme,ifyou’re

genuinelystillinterestedI’d

liketoofferyouthejob.

Sameterms,tostartassoon

aspossible.That’saslongas

you’resurethatit’s

somethingyoureallywant.

Doyouthinkyoucanletme

knowwithinforty-eight

hours?’

‘Yes.Yes,MrGopnik.

Thankyou.Thankyoufor

calling.’

Iheardhimclickoff.I

lookedupatSam.Hewas

wearingahospitaldressing

gownoverhistoo-short

hospitalnightshirt.Neitherof

usspokeforamoment.

‘You’reup.Youshouldbe

inbed.’

‘Isawyouthroughthe

window.’

‘Oneill-timedbreezeand

thosenursesaregoingtobe

talkingaboutyoutill

Christmas.’

‘WasthattheNewYork

guy?’

Ifelt,oddly,busted.Iput

myphoneinmypocketand

reachedfortheTupperware

container.‘Thepositioncame

upagain.’Iwatchedhisgaze

slidebrieflyawayfromme.

‘Butit’s…I’veonlyjustgot

youback.SoI’mgoingtosay

no.Look,doyouthinkyou

canmanagesomepastaafter

yourepicpie?Iknowyou’re

probablyfull,butit’ssorare

thatImanagetocook

somethingthat’sactually

edible.’

‘No.’

‘It’snotthatbad.You

couldatleasttry–’

‘Notthepasta.Thejob.’

Westaredateachother.He

ranhishandthroughhishair,

glancingdownthecorridor.

‘Youneedtodothis,Lou.

YouknowitandIknowit.

Youhavetotakeit.’

‘Itriedtoleavehome

before,andIjustgoteven

moremessedup.’

‘Becauseitwastoosoon.

Youwererunningaway.This

isdifferent.’

Igazedupathim.Ihated

myselfforrealizingwhatI

wantedtodo.AndIhated

himforknowingit.Westood

inthehospitalcorridorin

silence.AndthenIsawhe

wasrapidlylosingcolour

fromhisface.‘Youneedto

liedown.’

Hedidn’tfightme.Itook

hisarmandwemadeourway

backtohisbed.Hewincedas

helaybackcarefullyonthe

pillows.IwaiteduntilIsaw

colourreturntohisface,then

laydownbesidehimandtook

hishand.

‘Ifeellikewejustsortedit

allout.Youandme.’Ilaid

myheadagainsthisshoulder,

feelingmythroatconstrict.

‘Wedid.’

‘Idon’twanttobewith

anyoneelse,Sam.’

‘Pfft.Likethatwaseverin

doubt.’

‘Butlong-distance

relationshipsrarelysurvive.’

‘Soweareina

relationship?’

Istartedtoprotestandhe

smiled.‘I’mkidding.Some.

Somedon’tsurvive.I’m

guessingsomedo,though.I

guessitdependshowmuch

bothsideswanttotry.’

Hisbigarmloopedaround

myneckandpulledmeto

him.IrealisedIwascrying.

Hewipedatmytearsgently

withhisthumb.‘Lou,Idon’t

knowwhatwillhappen.

Nobodyeverdoes.Youcan

setoutonemorningandstep

infrontofamotorbikeand

yourwholelifecanchange.

Youcangotoworkona

routinejobandgetshotbya

teenagerwhothinksthat’s

whatittakestobeaman.’

‘Youcanfalloffatall

building.’

‘Youcan.Oryoucangoto

visitablokewearinganightie

inahospitalbedandgetthe

bestjobofferyoucan

imagine.That’slife.We

don’tknowwhatwillhappen.

Whichiswhywehavetotake

ourchanceswhilewecan.

And…Ithinkthismightbe

yours.’

Iscrewedmyeyesshut,

notwantingtohearhim,not

wantingtoacknowledgethe

truthinwhathewassaying.I

wipedatmyeyeswiththe

heelsofmyhands.Hehanded

meatissueandwaitedwhile

Iwipedtheblacksmears

frommyface.

‘Panda-eyessuityou.’

‘IthinkImightbeabitin

lovewithyou.’

‘Ibetyousaythattoallthe

meninintensivecare.’

Iturnedoverandkissed

him.WhenIopenedmyeyes

againhewaswatchingme.

‘I’llgiveitago,ifyou

will,’hesaid.

Ittookamomentforthe

lumpinmythroattosubside

enoughformetobeableto

speak.‘Idon’tknow,Sam.’

‘Youdon’tknowwhat?’

‘Lifeisshort,right?We

bothknowthat.Well,whatif

you’remychance?Whatif

youarethethingthat’s

actuallygoingtomakeme

happiest?’

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y -

N I N E

Whenpeoplesayautumnis

theirfavouritetimeofyear,I

thinkit’sdayslikethisthat

theymean:adawnmist,

burningofftoacrispclear

light;pilesofleavesblown

intocorners;theagreeably

mustysmellofgently

moulderinggreenery.Some

sayyoudon’treallynotice

theseasonsinthecity,that

theendlessgreybuildings

andthemicroclimatecaused

bytrafficfumesmeanthereis

neverahugedifference;there

isonlyinsideandout,wetor

dry.Butontheroofitwas

clear.Itwasn’tjustinthe

hugeexpanseofskybutin

Lily’stomatoplants,which

hadpushedoutswollenred

fruitforweeks,thehanging

strawberrypotsprovidingan

intermittentarrayof

occasionalsweettreats.The

flowersbudded,bloomedand

browned,thefreshgreen

growthofearlysummer

givingwaytotwiggystalks

andspacewherefoliagehad

been.Upontheroofyou

couldalreadydetectthe

faintesthintinthebreezeof

theoncomingwinter.An

aeroplanewasleavinga

vapourtrailacrossthesky

andInotedthatthe

streetlightswerestillonfrom

thenightbefore.

Mymotheremergedonto

theroofinherslacks,gazing

aroundherattheguests,and

brushingmoisturedroplets

fromthefireescapeoffher

trousers.‘Itreallyisquite

something,thisspaceof

yours,Louisa.Youcouldfita

hundredpeopleuphere.’She

wascarryingabagcontaining

severalbottlesofchampagne,

andputitdowncarefully.

‘DidItellyou,Ithinkyou’re

verybravegettingupthe

confidencetocomeuphere

again?’

‘Istillcan’tbelieveyou

managedtofalloff,’observed

mysister,whohadbeen

refillingglasses.‘Onlyyou

couldfalloffaspacethis

big.’

‘Well,shewasdrunkasa

lord,love,remember?’Mum

headedbacktothefire

escape.‘Wheredidyouget

allthechampagnefrom,

Louisa?Thislooksawful

grand.’

‘Mybossgaveittome.’

Wehadbeencashingupa

fewnightspreviously,

chatting(wechattedquitea

lotnow,especiallysincehe’d

hadhisbaby.Iknewmore

aboutMrsPercival’swater

retentionthanIthinkshe

wouldhavebeenentirely

comfortablewith).Ihad

mentionedmyplansand

Richardhaddisappeared,asif

hehadn’tbeenlistening.I

hadbeenreadytochalkitup

asjustanotherexampleof

howRichardwasstill

basicallyabitofawazzock,

butwhenhere-emergedfrom

thecellarsafewminuteslater

hewasholdingacrate

containinghalfadozen

bottlesofchampagne.‘Here.

Sixtypercentoff.Lastofthe

order.’Hehandedmethebox

andshrugged.‘Actually,sod

it.Justtakethem.Goon.

You’veearnedthem.’

Ihadstutteredmythanks

andhehadmuttered

somethingaboutthembeing

notagreatvintageandthe

lastoftheline,buthisears

hadgoneatell-talepink.

‘Youcouldtrytosounda

bitpleasedthatIdidn’t

actuallydie.’IpassedTreena

atrayofglasses.

‘Oh,Igotovermy“Iwish

Iwasanonlychild”thing

agesago.Well,maybetwo

yearsorso.’

Mumapproachedwitha

packetofnapkins.Shespoke

inanexaggeratedwhisper:

‘Now,doyouthinkthesewill

beokay?’

‘Whywouldn’ttheybe?’

‘It’stheTraynors,isn’tit?

Theydon’tusepapernapkins.

They’llhavelinenones.

Probablywithacoatofarms

embroideredonthemor

something.’

‘Mum,they’vetravelledto

theroofofaformeroffice

blockineastLondon.Idon’t

thinkthey’reexpectingsilver

service.’

‘Oh,’saidTreena.‘AndI

broughtThom’sspareduvet

andpillow.Ithoughtwe

mightaswellstartbringing

bitsandbobsdownevery

timewecome.I’vegotan

appointmenttolookatthat

after-schoolclubtomorrow.’

‘It’swonderfulthatyou’ve

gotitallsortedout,girls.

Treena,ifyoulike,I’llmind

Thomforyou.Justletme

know.’

Weworkedaroundeach

other,settingoutglassesand

paperplates,untilMum

disappearedtofetchmore

inadequatenapkins.Ilowered

myvoicesothatshecouldn’t

hear.‘Treen?IsDadreally

notcoming?’

Mysistergrimaced,andI

triednottolookasdismayed

asIfelt.

‘Isitreallynobetter?’

‘I’mhopingthatwhenI’m

gonethey’llhavetotalkto

eachother.Theyjustskirt

aroundeachotherandtalkto

meorThommostofthetime.

It’smaddening.Mum’s

pretendingshedoesn’tcare

thathedidn’tcomedown

withus,butIknowshedoes.’

‘Ireallythoughthe’dbe

here.’

Ihadseenmymothertwice

sincetheshooting.Shehad

signedupforanewcourse–

modernEnglishpoetry–at

theadulteducationcentreand

nowgrewwistfulatsymbols

everywhere.Everyblownleaf

wasasignofimpending

decrepitude,everyairborne

birdasignofhopesand

dreams.Wehadgoneonceto

alivereadingofpoetryonthe

SouthBank,whereshehad

satraptandapplaudedtwice

intothesilence,andonceto

thecinema,thenontothe

loosatthesmarthotel,where

shehadsharedsandwiches

withMariainthetwoeasy

chairsofthecloakroom.Both

times,whenwehadfound

ourselvesalone,shehadbeen

oddlybrittle.‘Well,aren’twe

havingalovelytime?’she

wouldsayrepeatedly,asif

challengingmetodisagree.

Andthenshewouldgrow

quietorexclaimaboutthe

insanepriceofsandwichesin

London.

Treenapulledthebench

across,plumpingupthe

cushionsshehadbroughtup

fromdownstairs.‘It’s

GranddadIworryabout.He

doesn’tlikeallthetension.

Hechangeshissocksfour

timesadayandhe’sbroken

twoofthebuttonsonthe

remotecontrolbyover-

pressing.’

‘God–there’sathought.

Whowouldgetcustody?’

Mysisterstaredatmein

horror.

‘Don’tlookatme,’wesaid

inunison.

Wewereinterruptedbythe

firstoftheMovingOnCircle,

SunilandLeanne,emerging

fromthecast-ironsteps,

remarkingonthesizeofthe

roofterrace,theunexpectedly

magnificentviewoverthe

eastoftheCity.

Lilyarrivedattwelveon

thedot,throwingherarms

aroundmeandlettingouta

littlegrowlofhappiness.‘I

lovethatdress!Youlook

completelygorgeous.’She

wassun-kissed,herfaceopen

andfreckled,thetinyhairson

herarmsbleachedwhite,clad

inapalebluedressand

gladiatorsandals.Iwatched

herasshegazedaroundthe

roofterrace,clearlydelighted

tobethereagain.Camilla,

makingherwayslowlyupthe

fireescapebehindher,

straightenedherjacketand

walkedovertome,an

expressionofmild

admonishmentonherface.

‘Youcouldhavewaited,

Lily.’

‘Why?You’renotsome

oldperson.’

CamillaandIexchanged

wryglances,andthen,almost

impulsively,Ileanedforward

andkissedhercheek.She

smeltofexpensive

departmentstoresandher

hairwasperfect.‘It’slovely

thatyoucame.’

‘You’veevenlookedafter

myplants.’Lilywas

examiningeverything.‘Ijust

assumedyou’dkillthemall.

Oh,andthis!Ilikethese.Are

theynew?’Shepointedto

twopotsIhadboughtatthe

flowermarkettheprevious

week,todecoratetherooffor

today.Ihadn’twantedcut

flowers,oranythingthat

mightdie.

‘They’repelargoniums,’

saidCamilla.‘Youwon’t

wanttoleavethemuphere

overthewinter.’

‘Shecouldputfleeceover

them.Thoseterracottapots

areheavytotakedown.’

‘Theystillwon’tsurvive,’

saidCamilla.‘Tooexposed.’

‘Actually,’Isaid,‘Thom’s

comingtolivehereandwe’re

notsurehewouldbesafeon

theroof,givenwhat

happenedtome,sowe’re

shuttingitoff.Ifyou’dliketo

takethosewithyou

afterwards…’

‘No,’Lilysaid,aftera

moment’sthought.‘Let’s

leaveit.Itwillbenicetojust

thinkofitlikethis.Asit

was.’

Shehelpedmewitha

trestletable,andtalkedalittle

ofschool–shewashappy

therebutstrugglingslightly

withthework–andofher

mother,whowasapparently

makingeyesataSpanish

architectcalledFelipe,who

hadboughtthehousenext

doorinStJohn’sWood.‘I

feelalmostsorryfor

Fuckface.Hedoesn’tknow

what’sabouttohithim.’

‘Butyou’reokay?’Isaid.

‘I’mfine.Lifeispretty

good.’Shepoppedacrisp

intohermouth.‘Granny

mademegoandseethenew

baby–didItellyou?’

Imusthavelookedstartled.

‘Iknow.Butshesaid

someonehadtobehavelikea

grown-up.Sheactuallycame

withme.Shewasepically

cool.I’mnotmeanttoknow

butsheboughtaJaegerjacket

specially.Ithinksheneeded

moreconfidencethanshelet

on.’Sheglancedoverat

Camilla,whowaschattingto

Samoverbythefoodtable.

‘Actually,Ifeltabitsadfor

mygrandfather.Whenhe

thoughtnobodywaslooking

hekeptgazingather,likehe

feltabitsadathowithadall

turnedout.’

‘Andhowwasit?’

‘It’sababy.Imean,they

alllookthesame,don’tthey?

Ithinktheywereontheirbest

behaviour,though.Itwasall

abit“Andhowisschool,

Lily?Wouldyouliketofixa

datetocomeandstay?And

wouldyouliketoholdyour

aunt?”Likethatdoesn’t

soundcompletelyweird.’

‘You’llgoandseethem

again?’

‘Probably.They’reall

right,Isuppose.’

IglancedoveratGeorgina,

whowastalkingpolitelyto

herfather.Helaughed,

slightlytooloudly.Hehad

barelylefthersidesinceshe

hadarrived.‘Hecallsme

twiceaweektochatabout

stuff,andDellakeepsgoing

onabouthowshewantsme

andthebabyto“builda

relationship”,likeababycan

doanythingexcepteatand

screamandpoo.’Shepulleda

face.

Ilaughed.

‘What?’shesaid.

‘Nothing,’Isaid.‘It’sjust

goodtoseeyou.’

‘Oh.AndIbroughtyou

something.’

Iwaitedasshepulleda

littleboxoutofherbag,and

handedittome.‘Isawitat

thistotallytediousantiques

fairthatGrannymademego

toandIthoughtofyou.’

Iopenedtheboxcarefully.

Inside,ondarkbluevelvet,

wasanart-decobracelet,its

cylindricalbeadsalternatejet

andamber.Ipickeditupand

helditinmypalm.

‘It’sabitoutthere,right?

Butitremindedmeof–’

‘Thetights.’

‘Thetights.It’sathank-

you.Just–youknow–for

everything.You’reaboutthe

onlypersonIknowwho

wouldlikeit.Orme,forthat

matter.Backthen.Actually,it

totallygoeswithyourdress.’

Iheldoutanarmandshe

putitonmywrist.Irotatedit

slowly.‘Iloveit.’

Shekickedatsomethingon

theground,herfacebriefly

serious.‘Well,IthinkIkind

ofoweyousomejewellery.’

‘Youowemenothing.’

IlookedatLily,withher

newconfidenceandher

father’seyes,andthoughtof

everythingshehadgivenme

withoutevenknowingit.And

thenshepunchedmequite

hardonthearm.‘Right.Stop

beingallweirdand

emotional.Oryou’retotally

goingtoruinmymascara.

Let’sgodownstairsandfetch

thelastofthefood.Ugh,did

youknowthere’sa

Transformerspostergoneup

inmybedroom?Andoneof

KatyPerry?Whothehell

haveyougotasanew

flatmate?’

TherestoftheMovingOn

Circlearrived,makingtheir

waywithvaryingdegreesof

trepidationorlaughterupthe

ironsteps–Daphnestepping

ontotheroofwithloud

exclamationsofrelief,Fred

holdingherarm,William

vaultingnonchalantlyover

thelaststep,Natasharolling

hereyesbehindhim.Others

pausedtoexclaimatthe

bundleofwhitehelium

balloons,bobbinginthethin

light.Marckissedmyhand

andtoldmeitwasthefirst

timesomethinglikethishad

takenplacethewholetimehe

hadbeenrunningthegroup.

NatashaandWilliam,I

noticedwithamusement,

spentalotoftimetalking

alone.

Weputthefoodonthe

trestletableandJakewason

barduty,pouringthe

champagneandlooking

curiouslypleasedatthe

responsibility.HeandLily

hadskirtedaroundeachother

atfirst,pretendingtheother

wasinvisible,asteenagersdo

whenthey’reinasmall

gatheringandconsciousthat

everyonewillbewaitingfor

themtospeaktoeachother.

Whenshefinallymadeher

wayovertohimsheshoved

outherhandwith

exaggeratedcourtesyandhe

lookedatitforamoment

beforegivingaslowsmile.

‘Halfofmewouldlike

themtobefriends.Theother

canthinkofnothingmore

terrifying,’Sammurmured

intomyear.

Islidmyhandintohis

backpocket.‘She’shappy.’

‘She’sgorgeous.Andhe’s

justsplitupwithhis

girlfriend.’

‘Whathappenedtoliving

lifetothefull,mister?’

Heletoutalowgrowl.

‘He’ssafe.She’snow

tuckedawayinOxfordshire

formostoftheyear.’

‘Nobody’ssafewithyou

two.’Heloweredhishead

andkissedmeandIlet

everythingelsedisappearfor

aluxurioussecondortwo.‘I

likethatdress.’

‘Nottoofrivolous?’Iheld

outthepleatsofthestriped

skirt.ThispartofLondon

wasfullofvintage-clothes

stores.Ihadspentthe

previousSaturdaylostinrails

ofancientsilksandfeathers.

‘Ilikefrivolous.Although

I’mabitsadthatyou’renot

wearingyoursexypixie

thing.’Hesteppedbackfrom

measmymotherapproached,

bearinganotherpackofpaper

napkins.

‘Howareyou,Sam?Still

healingupnicely?’Shehad

visitedSamtwiceinhospital.

Shehadbecomedeeply

concernedattheplightof

thoselefttorelyonhospital

cateringandbroughthim

homemadesausagerollsand

egg-mayonnaisesandwiches.

‘Gettingthere,thanks.’

‘Don’tyoudotoomuch

today.Nocarrying.Thegirls

andIcanmanagejustfine.’

‘Weshouldprobablystart,’

Isaid.

Mumglancedagainather

watch,thenscannedtheroof

terrace.‘Shallwegiveit

anotherfiveminutes?Make

sureeveryonegetsadrink?’

Hersmile–fixedandtoo

bright–washeartbreaking.

Samsawit.Hestepped

forwardandtookherarm.

‘Josie,doyouthinkyou

couldshowmewhereyou’ve

putthesalads?Ijust

rememberedIdidn’tbringthe

dressingfromdownstairs.’

‘Whereisshe?’

Aripplepassedthroughthe

smallcrowdbythetable.We

turnedtowardsthebellowing

voice.‘JesusChrist,isit

reallyuphere,orisThommo

sendingmeonanotherwild-

goosechase?’

‘Bernard!’Mymotherput

downthenapkins.

Myfather’sfaceappeared

abovetheparapet,scanning

therooftop.Heclimbedthe

lastoftheironstepsandblew

outhischeeksashesurveyed

theview.Alightfilmof

sweatshoneonhisforehead.

‘Whyyouhadtodothedamn

thingallthewayuphere,

Louisa,Ihavenoidea.

Jaysus.’

‘Bernard!’

‘It’snotachurch,Josie.

AndIhaveanimportant

message.’

Mumgazedaroundher.

‘Bernard.Nowisnotthe–’

‘Andmymessageis–

these.’

Myfatherbentoverand

withexaggeratedcarepulled

uphistrouserlegs.Firstthe

left,andthentheright.From

mypositionontheotherside

ofthewatertankIcouldsee

thathisshinswerepaleand

faintlyblotchy.Therooftop

fellsilent.Everyonestared.

Heextendedoneleg.

‘Smoothasababy’s

backside.Goon,Josie,feel

them.’

Mymothertookanervous

stepforwardandstooped,

slidingherfingersupmy

father’sshin.Shepattedher

handaroundit.

‘Yousaidyou’dtakeme

seriouslyifIhadmylegs

waxed.Well,thereyouare.

I’vedoneit.’

Mymotherstaredathimin

disbelief.‘Yougotyourlegs

waxed?’

‘Idid.AndifI’dhadany

ideayouweregoingthrough

painlikethat,love,Iwould

havekeptmystupidmouth

shut.Whatfeckingtortureis

that?Whothehellthinksthat

isagoodidea?’

‘Bernard–’

‘Idon’tcare.I’vebeen

throughhell,Josie.ButI’ddo

itagainifitmeanswecanget

thingsbackontrack.Imiss

you.Somuch.Idon’tcareif

youwanttodoahundred

collegecourses–feminist

politics,MiddleEastern

studies,macraméfordogs,

whatever–aslongaswe’re

together.Andtoprovetoyou

exactlyhowfarI’dgofor

you,I’vebookedmyselfin

againnextweek,foraback,

sackand–Whatisit?’

‘Crack,’saidmysister,

unhappily.

‘Oh,God.’Mymother’s

handflewtoherneck.

BesidemeSamhadstarted

toshakesilently.‘Stopthem,’

hemurmured.‘I’mgoingto

bustmystitches.’

‘I’lldothelot.I’llgothe

full-pluckedruddychickenif

itshowsyouwhatyoumean

tome.’

‘Oh,mydays,Bernard.’

‘Imeanit,Josie.That’s

howdesperateIam.’

‘Andthisiswhyourfamily

doesn’tdoromance,’

mutteredTreena.

‘What’sacrack,backand

wax?’askedThomas.

‘Oh,love,I’vemissedthe

bonesofyou.’Mymotherput

herarmsaroundmyfather’s

neckandkissedhim.The

reliefonhisfacewasalmost

palpable.Heburiedhishead

inhershoulderandthenhe

kissedheragain,herear,her

hair,holdingherhands,likea

smallboy.

‘Gross,’saidThomas.

‘SoIdon’thavetodothe

–’

Mymotherstrokedmy

father’scheek.‘We’llcancel

yourappointmentfirstthing.’

Myfathervisiblyrelaxed.

‘Well,’Isaid,whenthe

commotionhaddieddown,

anditwasclearfromCamilla

Traynor’sblanched

complexionthatLilyhadjust

explainedtoherexactlywhat

myfatherhadplannedto

endureinthenameoflove,‘I

thinkweshoulddoonelast

checkofeveryone’sglasses,

andthenmaybe…weshould

start?’

Whatwiththemerriment

overDad’sgrandgesture,

BabyTraynor’sexplosive

nappychange,andthe

revelationthatThomashad

beendroppingegg

sandwichesontoMrAntony

Gardiner’sbalcony(andhis

brand-newreplacement

Conranwicker-effectsun

chair)below,itwasanother

twentyminutesbeforethe

rooftopgrewsilent.Amid

somesurreptitiousscanning

ofnotesandclearingof

throats,Marcsteppedintothe

middle.HewastallerthanI’d

thought–Ihadonlyever

seenhimsittingdown.

‘Welcome,everyone.First,

I’dliketothankLouisafor

offeringusthislovelyspace

forourend-of-term

ceremony.There’ssomething

ratherappropriateaboutbeing

thismuchclosertothe

heavens…’Hepausedfor

laughter.‘Thisisanunusual

finalceremonyforus–for

thefirsttimewehavesome

facesherewhoaren’tpartof

thegroup–butIthinkit’sa

ratherlovelyideatoopenup

andcelebrateamongfriends.

Everyonehereknowswhat

it’sliketohavelovedand

lost.Sowe’reallhonorary

membersofthegrouptoday.’

Jakestoodbesidehis

father,afreckle-faced,sandy-

hairedman,who,

unfortunately,Icouldn’tlook

atwithoutpicturinghim

weepingaftercoitus.Nowhe

reachedoutandgentlypulled

hissontohim.Jakecaught

myeyeandrolledhis.Buthe

smiled.

‘Iliketosaythatalthough

we’recalledtheMovingOn

Circle,noneofusmoveson

withoutabackwardlook.We

moveonalwayscarrying

withusthosewehavelost.

Whatweaimtodoinour

littlegroupisensurethat

carryingthemisnotaburden

thatfeelsimpossibletobear,

aweightkeepingusstuckin

thesameplace.Wewanttheir

presencetofeellikeagift.

‘Andwhatwelearn

throughsharingourmemories

andoursadnessesandour

littlevictorieswitheachother

isthatit’sokaytofeelsad.Or

lost.Orangry.It’sokayto

feelawholehostofthings

thatotherpeoplemightnot

understand,andoftenfora

longtime.Everyonehashis

orherownjourney.Wedon’t

judge.’

‘Exceptthebiscuits,’

mutteredFred.‘Ijudgethose

RichTeas.Theywere

shocking.’

‘Andthat,impossibleasit

mayfeelatfirst,wewilleach

gettoapointwherewecan

rejoiceinthefactthatevery

personwehavediscussedand

mournedandgrievedover

washere,walkingamongus

–andwhethertheywere

takenaftersixmonthsor

sixtyyears,wewereluckyto

havethem.’Henodded.‘We

wereluckytohavethem.’

IlookedaroundthefacesI

hadgrownfondof,raptwith

attention,andIthoughtof

Will.Iclosedmyeyesand

recalledhisface,hissmile

andhislaugh,andthoughtof

whatlovinghimhadcostme,

butmostlyofwhathehad

givenme.

Marclookedatourlittle

group.Daphnedabbed

surreptitiouslyatthecorner

ofhereye.‘So…whatwe

usuallydonowisjustsaya

fewwordsacknowledging

whereweare.Itdoesn’thave

tobemuch.It’sjustaclosing

ofadooronthislittlebitof

yourjourney.Andnobody

hastodoit,butifyoudo,it

canbeanicething.’

Thegroupexchanged

embarrassedsmilesand,

briefly,itseemedthatnobody

wouldsayanythingatall.

ThenFredsteppedup.He

adjustedhishandkerchiefin

hisblazerpocketand

straightenedalittle.‘I’djust

liketosaythankyou,Jilly.

Youwereasmashingwife

andIwasaluckymanfor

thirty-eightyears.Iwillmiss

youeveryday,sweetheart.’

Hesteppedback,alittle

awkwardly,andDaphne

mouthed,‘Verynice,Fred,’

tohim.Sheadjustedhersilk

scarf,andthenshestepped

forwardstoo.‘Ijustwanted

tosay…I’msorry.ToAlan.

Youweresuchakindman,

andIwishwe’dbeenableto

behonestabouteverything.I

wishI’dbeenabletohelp

you.Iwish–well,Ihope

you’reokay,andthat–that

you’vegotanicefriend,

whereveryouare.’

FredpattedDaphne’sarm.

Jakerubbedthebackofhis

neck,thensteppedforward,

blushing,andfacedhisfather.

‘Webothmissyou,Mum.

Butwe’regettingthere.I

don’twantyoutoworryor

anything.’Whenhefinished

hisfatherhuggedhim,kissing

thetopofhishead,and

blinkedhard.HeandSam

exchangedsmallsmilesof

understanding.

LeanneandSunilfollowed,

eachsayingafewwords,

fixingtheireyesontheskyto

hideawkwardtearsor

noddingsilentencouragement

ateachother.

Williamsteppedforward

andsilentlyplacedawhite

roseathisfeet.Unusually

shortofwords,hegazed

downatitbriefly,hisface

impassive,thensteppedback.

Natashagavehimalittlehug

andheswallowedsuddenly,

audibly,thenfoldedhisarms

acrosshischest.

Marclookedatme,andI

feltSam’shandclosearound

mine.Ismiledathimand

shookmyhead.‘Notme.But

Lilywouldliketosayafew

words,ifthat’sokay.’

Lilywaschewingherlipas

shesteppedintothemiddle.

Sheglanceddownatabitof

papershehadwrittenon,then

appearedtochangehermind

andscreweditintoaball.

‘Um,IaskedLouisaifIcould

dothiseventhough,you

know,I’mnotamemberof

yourgroup.Ididn’tknowmy

dadinpersonandInevergot

tosaygoodbyetohimathis

funeralandIthoughtitwould

benicetosayafewwords

nowthatIsortoffeelIknow

himabitbetter.’Shegavea

nervoussmile,andpusheda

strandofhairfromherface.

‘So.Will…Dad.WhenI

firstfoundoutyouweremy

realfather,I’llbehonest,I

wasabitfreakedout.I’d

hopedmyrealdadwasgoing

tobethiswise,handsome

man,whowouldwantto

teachmestuffandprotectme

andtakemeontripstoshow

meamazingplacesthathe

loved.AndwhatIactually

gotwasanangrymanina

wheelchairwhojust,you

know,killedhimself.But

becauseofLou,andyour

family,overthelastfew

monthsI’vecometo

understandyouabitbetter.

‘I’llalwaysbesadand

maybeevenabitangrythatI

nevergottomeetyou,but

nowIwanttosaythankyou

too.Yougavemealot,

withoutknowingit.Ithink

I’mlikeyouingoodways–

andprobablyafewnot-so-

goodways.Yougaveme

blueeyesandmyhaircolour

andthefactthatIthink

Marmiteisrevoltingandthe

abilitytodoblackskiruns

and…Well,apparentlyyou

alsogavemeacertain

amountofmoodiness–that’s

otherpeople’sopinion,bythe

way.Notmine.’

Therewasalittlerippleof

laughter.

‘Butmostlyyougavemea

familyIdidn’tknowIhad.

Andthat’scool.Because,to

behonest,itwasn’tgoing

thatwellbeforetheyall

turnedup.’Hersmile

wavered.

‘We’reveryhappyyou

turnedup,’Georginacalled

out.

IfeltSam’sfingers

squeezemine.Hewasn’t

meanttobestandingsolong

but,typically,herefusedto

sitdown.I’mnotabloody

invalid.Iletmyheadrest

againsthim,fightingthelump

thathadrisentomythroat.

‘Thanks,G.So,um,Will

…Dad,I’mnotgoingtogo

onandonbecausespeeches

areboringandalsothatbaby

isgoingtostartwailingany

minute,whichwilltotally

harshthemood.ButIjust

wantedtosaythankyou,

fromyourdaughter,andthatI

…loveyouandI’llalways

missyou,andIhopeifyou’re

lookingdown,andyoucan

seeme,you’reglad.ThatI

exist.Becausemebeinghere

sortofmeansyou’restill

here,doesn’tit?’Lily’svoice

crackedandhereyesfilled

withtears.Hergazeslid

towardsCamilla,whogavea

smallnod.Lilysniffed,and

liftedherchin.

‘Ithoughtmaybenow

wouldbeagoodtimefor

everyonetoreleasetheir

balloons?’

Therewasabarely

perceptiblereleaseofbreath,

afewshuffledsteps.Behind

methehandfulofmembersof

theMovingOnCircle

murmuredamongthemselves,

reachingintothegently

bobbingbundleforastring.

Lilywasthefirsttostep

forward,holdingherwhite

heliumballoon.Sheliftedher

arm,then,asanafterthought,

pickedatinybluecornflower

fromoneofherpots,andtied

itcarefullytothestring.Then

sheraisedherhandand,after

thebriefesthesitation,

releasedtheballoon.

IwatchedasSteven

Traynorfollowed,saw

Della’sgentlesqueezeofhis

arm.Camillareleasedhers,

thenFred,Sunil,then

Georgina,herarmlinkedwith

hermother’s.Mymother,

Treena,Dad,blowinghis

nosenoisilyintohis

handkerchief,andSam.We

stoodinsilenceontheroof

andwatchedthemsail

upwards,onebyoneintothe

clearbluesky,growing

smallerandsmalleruntilthey

weresomewhereinfinite,

unseen.

Iletminego.

C H A P T E R T H I RT Y

Themaninthesalmon-

colouredshirtwasonhis

fourthDanishpastry,

wedginggreaticedwadsofit

intohisopenmouthwith

chubbyfingers,andsluicing

periodicallysluicingitdown

withapintofcoldlager.

‘Breakfastofchampions,’

mutteredVera,asshewalked

pastmewithatrayofglasses

andmadeafakegagging

noise.Ifeltafleeting,

reflexivegratitudethatIwas

nolongerinchargeofthe

Gents.

‘So,Lou!Whatdoesaman

havetodotogetsome

servicearoundhere?’Ashort

distanceaway,Dadhad

perchedhimselfonastool

andwasleaningoverthebar,

examiningthevariousbeers.

‘DoIneedtoshowa

boardingcardtobuya

drink?’

‘Dad–’

‘QuicktriptoAlicante?

Whatdoyouthink,Josie?

Fancyit?’

Mymothernudgedhim.

‘Weshouldlookintoitthis

year.Wereallyshould.’

‘Youknow,it’snotabad

aul’placethis.Onceyouget

pastthedaftideaofactual

kidsbeingallowedinan

actualpub.’Dadshuddered

andglancedbehindhimto

whereayoungfamily,their

flightevidentlydelayed,had

spreadamixtureofLegoand

raisinsalloverthetablewhile

theyekedouttwocoffees.

‘Sowhatdoyourecommend,

sweetheart,eh?What’sgood

ontheoldpumps?’

IeyedRichard,whowas

approachingwithhis

clipboard.‘It’sallgood,

Dad.’

‘Apartfromthoseoutfits,’

saidMum,eyeingVera’stoo-

shortgreenLurexskirt.

‘HeadOffice,’said

Richard,whohadalready

enduredtwoconversations

withmymotheraboutthe

objectificationofwomenin

theworkplace.‘Nothingtodo

withme.’

‘Yougotanystoutthere,

Richard?’

‘WehaveMurphy’s,Mr

Clark.It’salotlikeGuinness,

althoughIwouldn’tsayas

muchtoapurist.’

‘I’mnopurist,son.Ifit’s

wetanditsays“beer”onthe

labelit’lldoforme.’

Dadsmackedhislipsin

approvalandtheglasswasset

downinfrontofhim.My

motheracceptedacoffeewith

her‘social’voice.Sheusedit

almosteverywhereinLondon

now,likeavisitingdignitary

beingshownarounda

productionline:Sothat’sa

lah-tay,isit?Well,thatlooks

simplylovely.Andwhata

clevermachine.

Myfatherpattedthebar

stoolbesideher.‘Comeand

sitdown,Lou.Comeon.Let

mebuymydaughteradrink.’

IglancedoveratRichard.

‘I’llhaveacoffee,Dad,’I

said.‘Thankyou.’

Wesatatthebarinsilence,

asRichardservedus,andmy

fathermadehimselfathome,

ashedidineverybarheever

satin,noddingagreetingto

fellowbardwellers,settling

onhisstoolasifitwerehis

favouriteeasychair.Itwasas

ifthepresenceofarowof

opticsandahardsurfaceon

whichtoresthiselbows

createdaninstantspiritual

home.Andatalltimeshe

keptwithininchesofmy

mother,pattingherleg

appreciativelyorholdingher

hand.Theybarelylefteach

otheralone,thesedays,heads

pressedtogether,giggling

liketeenagers.Itwasutterly

revolting,accordingtomy

sister.Shetoldmebeforeshe

setoffforworkthatshehad

almostpreferreditwhenthey

weren’ttalking.‘Ihadto

sleepwithearplugslast

Saturday.Canyouimagine

thehorror?Granddadlooked

quitewhiteoverbreakfast.’

Outside,asmallpassenger

planeslowedontherunway

andtaxiedtowardsthe

terminal,amaninareflective

jacketwavingpaddlesto

guideitin.Mumsat,handbag

balancedonherlap,and

gazedatit.‘Thomwouldlove

this,’shesaid.‘Wouldn’the

lovethis,Bernard?Ireckon

he’dstandatthatwindowall

day.’

‘Well,hecancomenow,

can’the,nowhe’sjustupthe

road?Treenacouldbringhim

hereattheweekend.Imight

cometooifthebeer’sany

good.’

‘It’slovelywhatyou’ve

done,lettingthemcomeand

stayinyourflat.’Mum

watchedtheplanedisappear

fromview.‘Youknowthis

willmakeallthedifferenceto

Treena,withherstarting

salaryandall.’

‘Well.Itmadesense.’

‘Muchaswe’llmissthem,

weknowshecan’tlivewith

usforever.Iknowshe

appreciatesit,love.Evenif

shedoesn’talwaysshowit.’

Ididn’treallycarethatshe

didn’tshowit.Ihadrealized

somethingthemomentshe

andThomwalkedthrough

myfrontdoorwiththeircases

ofbelongingsandposters,

Dadbehindthembearingthe

plasticcrateofThom’s

favouritePredaconsand

Autobots.Itwasatthatexact

pointthatIfinallyfeltokay

abouttheflatWill’smoney

hadpaidfor.

‘DidLouisamentionthat

hersisterismovingdown

here,Richard?’Mymother

nowoperatedonthebasis

thatprettymucheveryoneshe

metinLondonwasher

friend,andthereforekeento

hearalldevelopmentsinthe

Clarkhousehold.Shehad

spenttenminutesthis

morningadvisingRichardon

hiswife’smastitis,and

couldn’tseeanyreasonwhy

sheshouldn’tpopalongand

seehisbaby.Thenagain,

Mariafromthehoteltoilets

wasactuallycomingforteain

Stortfoldintwoweeks’time,

withherdaughter,soshe

wasn’tentirelywrong.‘Our

Katrina’sagreatgirl.Smart

asawhip.Ifyoueverneed

anyhelpwithyouraccounts,

she’syourwoman.’

‘I’llbearitinmind.’

Richard’sgazemetmineand

slidaway.

Iglancedupattheclock.A

quartertotwelve.Something

insidemefluttered.

‘Youallright,love?’

Youhadtohandittoher.

Mymothernevermisseda

thing.

‘I’mfine,Mum.’

Shesqueezedmyhand.

‘I’msoproudofyou.You

knowthat,don’tyou?

Everythingyou’veachieved

thesepastfewmonths.I

knowithasn’tbeeneasy.’

Andthenshepointed.‘Oh,

look!Iknewhe’dcome.

Thereyougo,sweetheart.

Thisisit!’

Andtherehewas.Ahead

tallerthaneveryoneelse,and

walkingalittletentatively

throughthecrowd,hisarm

bracedslightlyinfrontof

him,asifhewerewaryeven

nowthatsomeonewould

bumpintohim.Isawhim

beforehesawme,andmy

facebrokeintoaspontaneous

smile.Iwavedvigorously,

andhesawme,andgavea

nod.

WhenIturnedbacktomy

mothershewaswatchingme,

asmallsmileplayingaround

herlips.‘He’sagoodone,

thatone.’

‘Iknow.’

Shegazedatmeforthe

longesttime,herfacea

mixtureofprideand

somethingalittlemore

complicated.Shepattedmy

hand.‘Right,’shesaid,

climbingoffherbarstool.

‘Timetohaveyour

adventures.’

Ileftmyparentsatthebar.It

wasbetterthatway.Itwas

hardtogetemotionalinfront

ofamanwholikedtoquote

sectionsofthemanagerial

handbookforLOLs.Samhad

abriefchatwithmyparents–

myfatherkeptbreakingin

withoccasionalnee-naw

noises–andRichardasked

afterSam’sinjuriesand

laughednervouslywhenDad

mentionedthatatleasthe’d

donebetterthanmylast

boyfriend.Ittookthreegoes

forDadtoconvinceRichard

that,no,hewasn’tjoking

aboutDignitas,andaterribly

sadbusinessithadallbeen.

Thatmighthavebeenthe

pointatwhichRichard

decidedhewasactuallyquite

gladIwasleaving.

Iextricatedmyselffrom

Mum’sembrace,andwe

walkedacrosstheconcourse

insilence,myarmlinkedin

Sam’s,tryingtoignorethe

factthatmyheartwas

thumpingandthatmyparents

wereprobablystillwatching

me.IturnedtoSam,faintly

panicked.I’dthoughtwe

wouldhavemoretime.

Helookedathiswatchand

upatthedeparturesboard.

‘They’replayingyourtune.’

Hehandedovermylittle

wheeledcase.Itookitand

triedtoraiseasmile.

‘Nicetravellingthreads.’

Ilookeddownatmy

leopard-printshirt,andthe

JackieOsunglassesIhad

tuckedintomytoppocket.‘I

wasgoingfora1970sjet-set

vibe.’

‘It’sagoodlook.Forajet-

setter.’

‘So,’Isaid.‘I’llseeyouin

fourweeks…It’smeantto

beniceinNewYorkinthe

autumn.’

‘It’llbenicewhatever.’He

shookhishead.‘Jesus.

“Nice”.Ihatetheword

“nice”.’

Ilookeddownatour

hands,whichwereentwined.

Ifoundmyselfstaringat

them,asifIhadtomemorize

howhisfeltagainstmine,as

ifIhadfailedtorevisefor

somevitalexamthathad

cometoosoon.Astrange

panicwaswellinginsideme,

andIthinkhefeltitbecause

hesqueezedmyfingers.

‘Goteverything?’He

noddedtowardsmyother

hand.‘Passport?Boarding

pass?Addressofwhere

you’regoing?’

‘Nathanismeetingmeat

JFK.’

Ididn’twanttolethimgo.

Ifeltlikeamagnetgone

awry,beingpulledbetween

twopoles.Istoodasideas

othercouplessteppedtowards

Departurestogether,towards

theiradventures,orextracted

themselvestearfullyfrom

eachother’sarms.

Hewaswatchingthemtoo.

Hesteppedbackfromme

gently,andkissedmyfingers

beforereleasingmyhand.

‘Timetogo,’hesaid.

Ihadamillionthingsto

sayandnoneIknewhow.I

steppedforwardandkissed

him,likepeoplekissat

airports,fullofloveand

desperatelonging,kissesthat

mustimprintthemselveson

theirrecipientforthejourney,

theweeks,themonthsahead.

Withthatkiss,Itriedtotell

himtheenormityofwhathe

meanttome.Itriedtoshow

himthathewastheanswerto

aquestionIhadn’teven

knownIhadbeenasking.I

triedtothankhimforwanting

metobeme,morethanhe

wantedtomakemestay.In

truthIprobablyjusttoldhim

I’ddrunktwolargecoffees

withoutbrushingmyteeth.

‘Youtakecare,’Isaid.

‘Don’trushbacktowork.

Anddon’tdoanybuilding

stuff.’

‘Mybrother’scomingto

takeoverthebrickwork

tomorrow.’

‘Andifyoudogoback,

don’tgethurt.Youaretotally

craponthenot-getting-shot

thing.’

‘Lou.I’mgoingtobefine.’

‘Imeanit.I’mgoingto

emailDonnawhenIgetto

NewYorkandtellherI’ll

holdherpersonally

responsibleifanythingelse

happenstoyou.OrmaybeI’ll

justtellyourbosstoputyou

ondeskduty.Orsendyouto

somereallysleepystationin

northNorfolk.Ormaybe

makeyouwearbulletproof

vests.Havetheythoughtof

issuingbulletproofvests?I

betIcouldbuyagoodonein

NewYorkif–’

‘Louisa.’Hepushedalock

ofhairbackfrommyeyes.

AndIfeltmyfacecrumple.I

placeditagainsthisand

clenchedmyjawand

breathedinthescentofhim,

tryingtoembedsomeofthat

solidityintomyself.And

then,beforeIcouldchange

mymind,Iletoutastrangled

‘Bye’thatmighthavebeena

soboracoughorastupid

half-laugh,I’mnotsureeven

Icouldtell.AndIturnedand

walkedbrisklytowards

security,pullingmycase

behindme,beforeIcould

changemymind.

Iflashedthenewpassport,

theESTAthatwasmykeyto

myfutureatauniformed

official,whosefaceIcould

barelymakeoutthroughmy

tears.AndthenasIwas

wavedthrough,almoston

impulse,Ispunonmyheel.

Therehewas,standing

againstthebarrier,still

watching.Welockedeyes,

andheliftedahand,hispalm

open,andIliftedmineslowly

inreturn.Ifixedthatimageof

himinmyimagination–the

wayhetiltedforward,the

lightonhishair,thesteady

wayhealwayslookedatme–

somewherewhereIcould

drawituponlonelydays.

Becausetherewouldbe

lonelydays.Andbaddays.

AnddayswhenIwondered

whatthehellIhadjustagreed

tobepartof.Becausethat

wasallpartoftheadventure

too.

Iloveyou,Imouthed,not

sureifhecouldevenseethe

wordsfromhere.

Andthen,holdingmy

passporttightinmyhand,I

turnedaway.

Hewouldbethere,

watchingasmyplane

gatheredspeedandliftedinto

thegreatblueskybeyond.

And,withluck,hewouldbe

there,waiting,whenIcame

homeagain.

Acknowledgements

Thankyou,asever,tomy

agent,SheilaCrowley,and

myeditorLouiseMoore,for

theircontinuingfaithand

endlesssupport.Thanksto

themanytalentedpeopleat

PenguinMichaelJosephwho

helpturnarawdraftinto

somethingglossyonlegions

ofbookshelves,particularly:

MaxineHitchcock,Francesca

Russell,HazelOrme,Hattie

Adam-Smith,Sophie

Elletson,TomWeldon,and

alltheunsungheroeswho

helpgetusauthorsoutthere.

Ilovebeingpartofyour

team.

Hugegratitudetoeveryone

whoworksalongsideSheila

atCurtisBrownforyour

support,especiallyRebecca

Ritchie,KatieMcGowan,

SophieHarris,NickMarston,

KatBuckle,RaneetAhuja,

JessCooper,AliceLutyens,

SaraGadandofcourseJonny

Geller.IntheUS,thankyou

totheinimitableBob

Bookman.It’sinthebox,

Bob!

Thankyouforfriendship,

adviceandwisdom-filled

lunchesonrelatedstuffto

CathyRunciman,Maddy

Wickham,SarahMillican,Ol

Parker,PollySamson,

DamianBarr,Alex

Heminsley,JessRustonand

allatWritersblock.Youall

rock.

Closertohome,thankyou

toJackieTearne(Iwillbeup

todatewithemailoneday,I

promise!),ClaireRoweth,

ChrisLuckley,DrewHazell,

andeveryonewhohelpsme

dowhatIdo.

Thankyoualsotothecast

andcrewofMeBeforeYou.

Tobethereasmycharacters

weremadefleshwasan

extraordinaryprivilege,and

oneIwillneverforget.You

wereall,uniformly,brilliant

(butespeciallyyou,Emilia

andSam).

Thanksandlovetomy

parents–JimMoyesand

LizzieSanders–andmostof

alltoCharles,Saskia,Harry

andLockie.Myworld.

Andafinalthankyouto

thelegionsofpeoplewho

wrote,viaTwitteror

facebookormywebsite,

caringenoughaboutLouto

wanttoknowwhathappened

toher.Imightnothave

consideredwritingthisbook

ifshehadn’tcontinuedtolive

sovividlyinyour

imaginations.I’msogladshe

did.

‘MeBeforeYou,atitsheart,

isabouttwopeoplewho

properlylistentoeachother;

itissomethinggood’

IndependentonSunday

‘Utterlyabsorbingand

blissfullyromantic’

DailyTelegraph

WhereLou’sstory

began…

Availabletodownload

now

‘Raw,funny,realandsad,

thisisstorytellingatitsbest’

MarieClaire

‘Moyesdoesamajesticjobof

conjuringacastofcharacters

whoarecharismatic,credible

andutterlycompelling’

IndependentonSunday

Availabletodownload

now

‘Anotherheart-stoppingly

brilliantnovelfromJojo

Moyes’

MarieClaire

‘Wonderfullywell-written

andcompletelyengrossing’

DailyMail

Availabletodownload

now

THE

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MICHAELJOSEPH

UK|USA|Canada|Ireland|Australia

India|NewZealand|SouthAfrica

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whoseaddressescanbefoundat

global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

Firstpublished2015

Themoralrightoftheauthorhasbeen

asserted

ISBN:978-1-405-90908-2